AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 11 · 2 years ago

George G @ Easy Does It AFG Group 1st Anniversary Boca Raton FL 12-8-2019

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Hey everybody, this is eric from rocketed dot org. I hope you enjoyed today's recording. I'm a grateful alcoholic. My name is joyge. My sobriety date in January the nineteenth, nineteen ninety four. By the grace of God, could sponsorship a lot of meetings and a lot of help from a lot of people, a lot of fellowships. So far, and I'll say it that way, I haven't deemed it necessary to change my sobriety date. This is Alan on, and so I don't have to tell you about my drinking history because if and if you are Alan on, you guys have lived through it. So you don't have to hit my insanity of getting him. I want to talk about them, magnificent reality of alcoholics, anonymous and the solution, because we always talk about the problem. And I also want to touch on the family, because we do the most damage in the family, and I'll do it through my journey. I came in here in nineteen ninety four. I was going to meetings, got a sponsor, doing the deal, argue with everybody, trying to prove my terminal uniqueness, that I was different. You guys didn't understand and I had a man who carried the message to me. I had a bunch of men that carried the message me and a bunch of women, and I don't want it to get that this is my fellowship as a fellowship and men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each each other. I was taught really on it's not a fellowship of men, with the men and when with the women. But there's a reason for that and I understand it today. Thank God for the women of Alcoholics, anonymous. When I got here, and I can name the few because they've gone, little Phyllis and Mary and Shay and there's some people around Cathy Tea, all those people. When I got here and I was sober for a very short time, about six months into my sobriety, I walked out of an AA meeting and I served with papers to give my children up and I flipped that. I got angry, that real angry. I got violent. And the man who carried a message to me was a guy by the name of Bob Wells. She's Long God, they used to call him. Came Out, bought he liked when he was doing nothing to go to, came out and walk around. I don't know. He was a big brawling man. He was six foot six by six foot six by six foot six and nobody bothered with him. He was just a gentle giant. And when I first came into a meeting, and it was down in Browie County, I came in through the bottom line, fly bottom lines ago, six bottom lines now. And when I walked into that meeting it was on a second floor and he was the first guy that came to me and started talking to me about getting there a little early. There's a long table like this, and he said at the head of that table and he said I want you to save that seat for me and you sit at the corner of the table because I can get up to stay it's very easily. And I started saving the seat for him and then he would say, listen, you're here fifteen minutes earlier to save the seats for me. Once you come five minutes earlier and stand by that door and welcome everybody into the ten am meeting.

Started doing that and then he said, well, being you here that early, why don't you come here a little earlier than that and start making coffee? So now I'm greeting, making coffee and and saving a seat for this guy. And I still don't even know if I want to be here, but I just didn't want to go back to where I came from. That much I knew. And then I was asked later on. He said, well, that being you here, why don't you stay after the meeting clean up? In those days we had cups and we had ash tray. So I came in on the ABC's of the program has trays, brooms and cheers, and that's how I learned and that man became a general giant. Do you use the when I first walked in here, he's the first person that showed me any kind of respect and gave me dignity, which I had then when I got here. And through him I met a guy by the name of Dennis Oh, Dennis sopped him. A lot of people know that name. I know that Dennis so became every morning we sit outside. We sit first at the New York Tilly in those days, and then I moved into his his halfway house, and I would sit outside by the pond and we talked about life, we talked about my kids and and but every Thursday at four o'clock. Bob would come and pick me up and we go to Bruce Bruce goes and have pizza and talk about life. I originally didn't do the steps the I want to say, the conventional way. I did the steps by talking about life the way Bob got it, and I became a big book person. I was giving a book and somebody told me to read the book. The answer in the book. Blah, blah, Blah Blah, and I was about six months right. Yes, I had to take as to give my kids up, and I'm fighting with everybody still because I came in here. I thought I come in, my kids would come back, the job would come back, everything be okay. It's not my experience. It was really rough for me and I struggled for quite a while at the beginning and I'm fighting with this thing whether I want to be here or not. But we talked about my kids and we've talked about life and the family damage and I never realized how bad I had it. And then I was talking one day to to Bob and I was real angry because I clean. Every time I call, I would jump through hoops and I wouldn't be allowed to talk to my children, and that's really the lie I told myself. You know, wasn't a lie. It was partly true that I came in to alcoholics and I'm just going to my kids back. The truth is I really wanted my kids back. I never to be head the way I did and I wouldn't have lost them in the first place. It's a direct result the way I behaved. I own that today. I could known that when I got here and I'm sitting in I'm talking and Bob said, I want you to go over and I want you to talk to a guy by the name of ventee. A lot of people know him too, and Ben asked me a question. I'm six months sober. I just just got papers to give my kids up. Now what do I do? I turned around and they said, Ben, I don't know what he asked me to talk to you, because I don't think you have anything to tell me. He said, well, listen, George, I got a quiet one question for you. What kind of Custodian with those kids? So I said, well, I gave her this much money. Said, I ask you what you gave her. I said, well, I send you this. I gave you...

...that. Said, I ask what you did for them. I asked you what kind of custody you up and for the first time in my life I woke up and I realized I was an absolute pair, emotionally not available for my own children. Thing I saw I'd never do because that's how I felt. I was raised when I could before I came in there. Probably know that's not true. That's a that's a false perception of what was going on. It's was my truth when I got here, but that wasn't a truth either. So I lived in a lie in my whole life. So I so I sat down and then I went after that and I realized that I had to do things differently. So I kind of really made my really first surrender. And very shortly after that I was at a meeting. Guy was talking about anger and I'm sitting next to bother. It was a it was about five hundred and thirty meeting, I guess, and a guy was really angry about something, I don't even remember what it was, and I turned around to him and I say, you know, because I was reading the Big Book and it was right in front of me, the fourth step, prayer on anger, and said this was our course although we like the way somebody behave, they, like herself, was sick to we show them the same tolerance kindness we would chaffy, grant, grant a sick friend. When someone offender, we said this is a sick man. God saved me from being angry. How can I be helped with them? Amen. So that I so I said that to me. He says, you little snot nosed punk. I have thirteen years in this program and you'ren't telling me. Yada, Yada, Yadda, Yada, Yada. Well, I let it go. Botch it pass you on the backs to keep to what you're doing. So I started getting in the book more and more and six months later I walk into a meeting and this guy's chairing the meeting. I'm with one of my sponseees and he says, and I says to he says from the chair I owe somebody here in amend I turned my spie is what did you do to them? I said I don't even know and I didn't remember. He says, you know, I called him a snot nose punk, big book George. But the truth is it wasn't for him and I didn't have the resentment I had at thirteen years I never would open that book, I never would have gotten a sponsor and I never would have done the steps. So today, when I say big book George, I say it with love and that's how my name stuck with me. From that point I'm still trying to get my children back. I'm fighting with the courts, I'm fighting with myself. I go to meetings and I raised my hand. I said, well, who had children and how to give them up, and what did they do? NOT TO DRINK? And I hear all kinds of things. Flight for them, don't fight for them, do this, do that. It took me about a year to make a decision to give my children up legally, because it was the right thing for me to do as a parent, because I was not capable emotionally, spiritually, or financially or in any other way to take care of them in a manner they did deserve. So I signed those papers. I was it was I, but I was toys something when I got here. Whatever I was feeling, I was to write, let us to them and send them to myself to care care of myself within names on it. So I started that in one thousand nine hundred and ninety four is when I started that. And in two thousand and six I got...

...a call on January the nineteen, which was my anniversary day, from a little gig girl named cassie Marie. She wanted to know what faught was. We started through emails, we started conversating, we started talking, we started writing and she came down to visit me in two thousand and eight. I will tell you that that journey has been one of the most beautiful and brightest spots of my whole life and everything to go could happen. When she came down here I had a box with letters and cause little gifts, all kinds of statements of things that were going on, and she took that home with a I got a phone call very shortly after she went home for my ex wife. First Time I heard from husband's ninety four, and she said I didn't know you felt that way. And, rather than getting into the argument of all the Times I called and all the troops I jumped through, I guess I had a little bit of an hour and our program going on there. I said that was then and this is now, and how can we work things out? I will tell you. I speak to her on occasion. It's usually when my son is in trouble or she needs something, but I call regularly. It doesn't matter what she does. I've learned in the program, matters what I do now. That's the good side of that story. The other side of that story is my son, my son. I've reached out to him, been reaching out to him. When my daughter came down, she reached out to him. I've been to New York, I guess, about five times in my recovery now. The first time I went was four years ago and I went and I met with him. I went from my high school my fifty at high school reunion. I met with him for dinner one night. I met with my daughter three times in the four days I was there and I went with my son once. We went out to dinner. It was very cordial. It was very nice. I'd keep reaching out to him. He was in trouble at one point I sent money. The communication is not there. I still call, I still want to know what's going on and let to last year. Yeah, a year ago in August was his birthday and I spoke to my daughter and I spoke to my exmother and Laura and I went to go visit the family again on my own to be there for his birthday and it was very cordial. I took him his sister, which is my daughter, his step sister, is fiance, my daughter's wife, the grandkids, everybody. We all went out and I took him out to dinner. My wife didn't show up. She was invited as well, and who was our cordial, very nice and I've been trying to reach him ever since I knew he was going to get married. I was not invited. I didn't expect to be invited. I told him, you know, they'd be okay no matter what he decides. I'm okay...

...with you, but just let me know. I found out indirectly from my daughter, who I will not put her in the middle of all that, that his wife is pregnant. Next week sometime, I think I'll be a grandfather again, but I'm not supposed to know about it because he hasn't told me yet. And I called my wife, because my toy has been keeping me in the loop towd about the family dynamics that we go through. And No, and I quote my ex wife, and a week later should call me back. So what's wrong and said, you know, would have been nice if you were to let me know that Robert's going to be a father. She said, well, your daughter told you. I said, yeah, my daughter told me, but it's not her place to tell me that. You know, she's he's our son and regardless of what's going on, I'd like to be in a loop because he doesn't acknowledge anything from me and that's his journey, not mine, and I and we talked for a while. listen, I don't want to put my daughter in the middle of any of that. We have a relationship, her or not, and that's our relationship. You and I have a relationship, you know, it's the way it is, and that's okay. I can deal with that. And my son and I have a relationship, which is and I'm relationship, and that's okay too, because it's not my business. That's God's business, I said, but the bottom line is we are his parent and it would be nice if you let me know. That's where I left that. I still haven't heard from him. I sent him birthday president. I don't get acknowledgement and that's okay. I know, I understand where he's is. He's the old me. I I'm looking at me as a child. So I get to watch me develop all over it and that's one of the gifts this program has given me, both programs who give him. And so as as time went on and I'm seeing this go on, I'm seeing the behaviors of him and I'm seeing me, whether he's sober, whether he's not sober, I love him where he's at. I've just like to do that here, but that is part of the family dynamics that we all have and if I really look at all the things that I own in that I was an absolutee parent. I understand how he feels. I wasn't there when I should have been, but that I can't change that. I can only live for where I am today with that and those are some of the gifts that I got in here. I can accept him where he is. Do I like it? No, and I've learned a long time ago acceptance does not mean approval. A lot of behaviors that other people have I don't like. I can accept it, but I don't have to like it, but I don't have to feed into it anymore, and that was something I've learned about setting boundaries and that's one of the gifts at this program is given me along the way. To tell you what it was like for me personally and I and I have a I had a lot of things happened in my recovery. I came in in one thousand nine hundred and ninety four, in in two thousand. Well, I came down with a moving blake. Flight Ninety six. I had my first surgery and they did a vein stripping and I couldn't get on my knees anymore.

You know, you know way we talked to prey on our knees. So I got real nervous real quick and you know, I and myself, I was told to make a little spot and pray. I've got a bunch of sponsors. I buried three of them so fart to of them from Alzheimers and they've all been a blessing because each wanted them. Has Given me something special. I was with Bob and for three and a half years I was with John Edwards Sixteen. I mentioned John Edwards because John Edwards demand, who taught me something at six years when I asked him to spots, to me. I didn't want what he had. I asked him to a hands what I already learned and that was the gift John Edwards gave me. I have a fellow by the name of Dick S now who's now has all zhims. This is my third sponsor that I'm dealing with with Alzheimers. I have a support group and I have other men that I speak to you, but I don't believe in letting sponsors go, because they didn't let me go and I will stay with him until the end and I speaking with other people and I have a shortlist. You know whether they'll take me on and not, I don't know. I'm not that important, but I know I don't do this alone. So you know so that that's my sponsorship pot of this. But, like I saying, I came down with a blood clot. I had that done and around two thousand and six I was living with the young lady at the time and I was putting up shells and I took a circular sore and I cut my hand almost completely off and they reattached it and I had all kinds of surgeries going on at the same time. I had a back surgery I've had sixteen back surgeries, nine hand surgeries, all in the process for a half years. While that was going on, I came down with hepatitis, seeing cancer. Year six and a hit for recovery. From yes six and a half to ye at ten, I spent on a psychiatrist couch, that's for sure. Gave them a whole new look. I prospected what I was going through. I don't know if I got anything from it, but I got a lot of relief. It's not true. There it's important not to belittle the good doctors like I interest. I needed to help a lot of it that time. And then I got well again and then I got sick again and I had a spinal in plant. So I walk around with electricity. I have had to knee replacements and not once did I ever think of turning my back on the fellowship. But not once did I ever take a medicine the wrong way. I've taken my medicine. Some people tell you to watch that. I'm not going to get into that, that whole controversy of should you, we shouldn't you? I have a very simple plan on that. And then I was told to do this real early on. Call Your sponse talk to another person, listen to your doctor. What is your motive? And that's what this AL comes down to. This whole fellowship for me is about what is my motive? If my motive is to do the wrong thing, I'm going to end up with a bad result. I know that old man once told me when I do good, I feel good. You know what I do good, and some days I just don't feel good, but I know I'm okay. I don't know why I'm okay or how I'm okay, I just know I'm okay and I'm on the you know,...

...and I'm and I just keep moving forward. To me, perseverance, awareness, consideration and love a very important and those are all pots, as some of the principles and some of those steps you know we took about character defects. I always like to say all my defects have character, and I have plenty of character when it comes to that, and it took me a long time to our find a lot of them. I still have one bad habit that I've been working on since one thousand nine hundred and ninety four is that I don't let people finish. I jump right in, because one of those bad habits of mine a lot better than it used to be. And I used to talk like this. I still do. My hands are always flaying, my mind is always going, but I've learned a lot of things and one of the things I learned, and I've get the pleasure and when I talked about the magnific the magnificent reality of alcoholics anonymous, it's about doing twelve step work. That's fun to me. Is One of the keys of this whole thing, whether it's an AA or whether it's an awl and on. I like the original Al and on twelve step, which is doesn't say it up there, says having had a spiritual experience of this course of action, we try to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and then to practice these principle in law of is. I use that because, whether you're an alcoholic and not, my job is to be available, to be of service, and that was very hot for me, for a selfish, selfcentered, selfseeking individual to be giving, considered UN kind, loving person. So I had to turn that all around and I learned to turn it around from the people in the program and the fellowship. You know, the fellowship was very key to me at the beginning. Kenny King was the name I couldn't think of earlier, who bought me my first Hamburg. I'll never forget that, my first cup of coffee. The people that love me when I was unlovable, the people that cared for me when I didn't care for myself, the people that came and pick me up and took me to meetings. I've learned to do that. I only learned to do that because I only emulate the people that gave that to me. So, no matter what I've learned. The one thing I've learned through this whole thing, and I said it early, because somebody asked me a question last night. They said, what did you learn this year? I said what I learned, what I think I know. I don't know what I think is going to happen. Never does. That's what I've learned this year. No matter what's going on, I'm going through a whole lot of new medical stuff now again. I'm not dying below. I was told that once already in my recovery, twice in my recovery, as going to lasted than a year to live. Twice since I've been here. Not this year. This year I have something new going on. I ended up with authritis. I couldn't hold a pain. I don't feel on my fingertips. I'm dealing with that. I've had, God, I don't want to talk, how many shots I'm getting in my hands on a every weekly basis and I'm dealing with that pain now. So physical pain. And we were talking before the meeting about chronic illness. I live with chronic illness and back in nine and two thousand and three there was...

...a woman named Nancy a. We used to go to the West Browle club and there's some people and people who remember bed from the Bronx who ended up with a disease. We started a meeting up they called chronic illness in the twelve steps is called Yana. You're not alone, because there's a lot of things that we go through reaching one of us in individual fellowships. It doesn't matter that we can't bring into the fellowship because people say you can't talk about that India or you shouldn't be taking that. We made a meeting so people could talk about it and it was based on the twelve steps. Or if of a woman in one thousand, nine hundred and eighty seven who was diagnosed with the disease they didn't know and she went to the mail clinic and she wrote a book and she's a therapist today and she stole alive and because of that we were able to help other people with all kinds of chronic illness. Is Cancer, scoliosis, all kinds of different diseases, that people can come in there and talk about what they dealing was with the medications in their life, but relating it to the twelve steps. So this is a solution and they're dissolution. Is I've learned is about God. It's my relationship with God. The thing I ask any of the people I sponsor when they come to me about something, it's two questions, and the two questions I ask myself whenever there's a problem. Why is it all about me, and where's God and all this? And if I can do that, then I'm learning to be selfless, because if it's not about me and I'm practicing consideration, that I'm practicing one of the greatest ones of lie love. I know, because if I'm consider you, I can't be thinking about me. So that I know, and if it's not about me and I know God's in it, then I know it's got to be coming from a loving place. I think your time in letting issue.

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