AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 141 · 2 months ago

Dion D. at the Westside Men's Group 18th Annual Fellowship Breakfast 2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Dion D. at the Westside Men's Group 18th Annual Fellowship Breakfast, Plantation, FL, November 13, 2022

I'm an alcoholic in an attic. My name is Dian. I saw a beautiful young girl this morning, WHOA, And I'm thinking our grandmother must be hot. When I when I came into A, I was on fire. I was on fire. I was a menace to serenity of his critical, synical resistant, defiant laws. I was. I wasn't connected. I was just I don't know. I was just lost. And I was telling you, Adam yesterday at lunch before I ate this uh whatever that was, I said, you know, I'm talking tomorrow and I we like to talk about being open, uh, you know, talking about you know, a friend here just mentioned that his sponsor mentioned light. You know, Jesus said, I am the light of the world. I had sponsors that went from my juggler van. They went right after me, you know, and they, uh, I'll tell you about it. It just I was all over the place, you know. I was thinking in my life, if I could get this together, if I could get that together, if this my wife, the house, the job, the thing, the friends that and and you know they said, look, if you find God, you can't you can't. Because I told my sponsor the day I came and I said I could do this. I thought. I was like, I'm a man, I'll handle this. He walked away from me. He walked away. I said, what are you going. I want to get well. He said, you mean you want to well? You want to get well. I said, yeah, I want to get well. I said I could do this. Then he walked away again. Every time I said I could do this, he walked away, and he looked at me said, listen, look at me. If you want to get well, you're gonna have to turn your back on what's making you sick. And I went, oh, I have to. You know, I wanted to dictate the terms of my own recovery. I thought, you know, I could do this. But and he would say stuff like I'd go out to how I should. I'll tell you how old I am. I I used to go to Howard Johnson's with him. They discontinued my flavor. You know that's how old I am. He is to tell me, said they, your philosophy is perfectly designed to get the results you're getting in life. And I wanted to argue with him, what do you mean by that? He says, the way you're thinking is perfectly designed to produce the result you're getting in life. It's it's perfectly designed for And I wanted to argue with him, But I love this guy. I just because I went to his house. I saw the way he treated his wife and kids. I was a menace to serenity. I I just didn't not understand I I I wanted to be connected to people by the way I got cards. You know, if if I didn't, if I didn't put anything on the cause, I wouldn't even know why I'm here, like a three by any show up. Like Adam told me yesterday at lunch, she said, you know the difference between God and me? I...

...said, no. He said, God doesn't think he's at him. I said, I said, I said, that's good. I like that. Well, you know, you hear things in a like our friends said that they knew the new and the words surrender. I'm from the Bronx. You don't surrender. I don't care if somebody's banging your head on the concrete, you do not surrender. And my sponsor said, no, we're not talking about that kind of surrender running away from anything. We're not talking about running away from anything. We're talking about running to someone who loves you unconditionally, unfailing love and unending loan an unconditional loan. So I started, like our friend said, what do your name? My friend like Fred any three? You know what I mean. I don't attain anything. I'm like. Uh, I asked my wife, but what your name? I'm married. I'm married sixty years. Uh. She's lovely, She's from Vermont, She's always been the same, you know, Like it's not alcoholic, so far from alcohol you know. And you know what I'm talking about, because you know, in life, the way people do life, the pope, the president, any ceo worth his weight in salt, has somebody he runs ideas by. The pope has the magistarian. I mean, the president has the happening or is you know, advises and not alcoholics. Here's alcoholics. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know with the hand in your face, I know. And that's why I told that on the Isnday at once I said I'd like to talk. I'd like not to tell my story. I'd just like to talk about how I opened up because I was closed. I was cynical, critical, argumented, irritable, restless, discontent. I was I was ready to argue at a drop of a hat because I felt in control when I argued. You know, So, here's what happens. I'm suffering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind embody. You know, it's an obsession of the mind. It's a physical allergy, and it's a spiritual illness. So this is what I'm suffering from. And I don't know. I don't know that. All I know is, you know in the book says it's a soul sickness. Were resentful. We we have shame, we have guilt, we have remorse. We you know, the way alcoholics do life, they blame everybody. Why don't you you know what you should do? You never? You always you you? You? You know? Could it be me? No, it's not me. I know. So I came into the blackest, darkest emotional period of my life. I was like in hell, right and uh, my wife Susan and I moved to Florida and we move in with my father in law, who happens to be an a a. For fourteen years, I didn't...

...know. I didn't know him. I couldn't kill less he showed up at the wedding. But you know, I was said, yoke together, and uh, but I didn't. I didn't know anything about a A you know. In fact, she thought he was a Communist. She said, my father goes to secret meeting when she was fifteen, and you know, I'm talking about nineteen fifty five. When I met him, she said, Uh, I think my parents are Communist. Was a secret and I said as him. And then he came home and she asked and and he told her. But you know, we didn't understand that. But it was nineteen sixty eight. We moved down to Florida. I've been uh. Susan and I got married nineteen sixty three. I was twenty three. At twenty eight, we moved. I moved down to Florida and we moved in with Jack, her father, and he knows the deal, so he tells Susan he takes it to an al Anon meeting that that could disturb your life anyway. She meets a woman at Alani and the woman tells us I want you saying these four things to your husband all week until I see you next Friday. Don't say anything else but these four things. Tell him you love him, tell him you can't help him. Your powerless. Tell him this a group of people that know the solution. They could help him, and then excuse yourself. So she comes home from the meeting. I said, well you've been what have you been talking about? You've been talking about me. She said, I have problems. I do it. You know there's nobody, nobody is allowed to have problems in this room other than me, unlike the most And you know, I didn't even know somebody else in the room could have be frustrated. That's how self centered I was. So I said, what have you been talking about? And she comes open and looks at me in the face and she says, Dion, I've been trying to help you for five years. First, I love you, two, I found that I'm powerless. I can't help you. That's so frustrating. I thought I could help you. But thank God, there's a fellowship that knows the answer to you. They understand your problem. They can help you. Excuse me. I gotta get the orange juice. And I ran after, and I said, well, what have you been saying about me? And she turned around she said, honey, I'm not the enemy. I adore you number two. I thought that what I said, I thought you could actually understand what I was saying. I found now that I can't help you. I don't have the power to make you understand what I'm saying. But thank God, there's a fellowship that could. Like if you're locked up and check they can get you out. They got the key and the door opens from the inside. They'll give you the key. Excuse me, I gotta get the A. And that happened all week. All weeks, she repackaged the four things,...

...and uh so then it's like it was right, because you know, alcoholics say they want to feel connected, but they don't know how to do life like in a positive way. They they just make people mad and they feel connected in a certain sick, toxic toxic. You know what they call a toxic it's poison in a toxic way. So you know her father Jack, he has these light blue eyes. And I get up in the morning and I go into the kitchen and there he's sitting with the picture with them behind and with these light blue eyes and his little prayer book, Good morning day, listen to those birds. My head's like there's like a bowl of mush my head. As I said to Susan, I run back in the room, I said, if your father mentioned those birds one more time, I'm gonna jump across to the table and strangling the son of a bitch and all his life. So now he asks me, after oldest, these four things she's telling me. You're away, he says, DEVI, would you like to come to a meeting? Now, I gotta tell you the way I came into a I knew nothing about God. I didn't know God from the whole of the world. Twelve steps, I didn't know twelve steps from beans, you know what I'm saying. I didn't know anything. But I went to a meeting with Jack, and we went to City Hall and we come up on the second floor on fifty North Miami, nineteen April one walk out one you guys, Irish guys, Jewish guys, Italian guys, Asian and they're all telling each other jokes, you know, like you guys, and they've fallen on the floor. They laughing so hard, And I knew it was real. It was beautiful. There was something beautiful in the room, something I felt it. I knew it was real. I was so full of crap. I knew what was real because I for fifteen years. I laughed like this. I wasn't even connected, you know what I'm saying. So I walked into the room to a meeting and they're talking about their fears and they're laughing, and they're talking about stuff that was going to the grave. I was. I was raised in the Bronx. You're not gonna hear that coming out of my mouth. I'm afraid, what are you kidding me? M you know you've got to die and say that. But these guys are talking about their fears, their divorces, there the worst defects, and they and they were identifying with each other and laughing. I never I never experienced anything like that in my life. So I'm coming home with Jack and Jack starts telling me about a A and he says, you know A He says, took a corporate voul of poverty. You can't leave your will to a or you can't give them more than two hundred dollars a year. Now that this was, you know, So I'm thinking, it's not much, you know, it's but but what I'm trying to pass, What I'm trying to say to you is that being open was very difficult from me because...

I was I was. I wasn't open but the beauty, and and they weren't trying to sell me anything. I would have spotted it a mile away if they wanted something from me. And then they were trying to manipulate me in any kind of way, if they were coming around this way or that way or this way. No, they couldn't care less. You want to donut. They couldn't care if I had a donut or not. Once I'm coffee, what do you want? You know, sit here, don't worry about him. And they couldn't care less. They just they made the move. Just be a part of it, you know. So the next day Jack invites me down to the ball Morale club that he was running. He had forty people working for him. Jack, my father was like John, Wayne and uh I have lunch down there, and uh he We finished lunch and we walk out onto the steps of the bell Morale Club. Private, you know, private club in my on Miami Beach has a long driveway with royal ponds, and this white Lincoln Continental comes driving up. You know, back in sixty eight they had the Lincoln Continental with the wheel in the back and the mark four right at the real pretty card they drive up in this young couple. I was twenty eight years old. This couple gets out of the car and they come over to the steps and they said Jack, Jack, Jack, thank you for what you did for Michaels and Jack. Thank you so much. Jack, Michaels and College. He's doing so well, he's so pright, he respects us, he's helping people. Jack did crying, and they hand him the keys to the car and they said, we got this car for you, just a token of our appreciation. Please take it. We went shopping today and we we love you to have this, and they had him you know, the keys are coming this way to Jack, and I'm like, take the keys, want me to all of them? He says, I can't take that car. He says, no, this is this this gift is freely given. We freely give it away. If you want to give it to the you know, the landscaper, you know, give it to my friend Bill there. So I don't know what he's said, but I'm like, hey, son in law four son in law put in no way. So this is another thing. You know, you can only give a two hundred dollars a year, and they don't take cars new Cars. I'm thinking, what the hell, what is this? I never heard anything. So I go to a meeting with Jack and they got four books on the table. A Comes of Age, Alcoholics, Anonymous, The twelve and twelve, and as Bill season. I pick up A Comes of Age. I don't know anything. I don't know the book I should pick up. I pick up A Comes of Age the History of a A. I go home and I read it, and I read that Bill Wilson is off at the cover of Time or The New Yorker. They want...

...to put him on the cover, and he goes, no, I can't, I can't get on the cover. That we can't do that. This is a none in this program. You know, in my world, if you do something and people don't know about it, it don't exist. It don't exist. You you gotta get a press agent to tell everybody what you just did. No, this book is totally the opposite way, totally the opposite ego deflation at depth, you know, And and then he talks about and then they have rabbis in there. They have priests, they have they have u you know, reverends, and they they have they have conferences and they have invocations. And addictions before and after the meal, and they're talking about the God of the scriptures. Dr Bob. And you know this is this is back in sixty Now You've got people, some people they're over thirty years and they want to argue with you. They want to tell you what A isn't I'm trying to tell them what A is. No, they want to like they wanna. They're still resentful. I'm saying, they're resistant, they're they're like the way I came in, I came in like that. I tell them that's what got me here, the way you're thinking it got me here, you know. So I'm trying to tell them what my sponsor told me. You know when I when I started working the steps, he says, Dion, it doesn't say God as you make him up. It says God as you understand in him. So you know, I just and these guys were these guys were amazing. They like when I went out for um, when I went out to Howard Johnson with them, you know, we would talk freely and it wasn't an a a kind of toll. You know, I'd say, what are you talking about? God? You know, what are you talking about? Is that some kind of the supreme, you know, like I thought it was some kind of They were talking about some kind of supreme being, like hopping around the universe like big Foot, you know, like you go up and do do a scraping and put him under a pea tree distion. You go, hey, we got him. You know, we got him. That's God. They're gonna know. They gave me the twenty four Hour Book, which A doesn't give our anymore because they got into the publishing business. But they used to give the twenty four Hour Book. And in May one it tells you right there, God is outside of space and time. He created space and time. He's evident in everything, but he's not subject. He's not contingent on anything. Everything is contingent on something. Everything, you know, Patent fran got together one night and here I am, but God, No, he's I am. That I am, And he's the sheer act of being itself, always was, always will be being go He's can. All things are possible with God. I said I could go with that. They were my sponsors. You know, these guys were trying to help me. They were fine. They look fine to me. I said, I'm gonna go with you, I believe, so I rolled with it. I didn't know what they were talking about, you know, I mean I really didn't get it. After a while, they know, talking and talking. I started getting some because I learned...

...from like images. You know, I'm like a like a picturesque learned. I can't. I don't learn with words too much. You know. I love words, but I'd rather get a picture of it in my head, you know. Like if I had dinner with you when your children, I remember it. But if you tell me I have four kids, you know, two boys to guy, I don't remember it. You know, I need a picture in my hand. So where am I? What time is it is? Yeah? I'm good? Uh you know I learned. I tell you, I'm gonna tell you some things I learned, and a I opened up and I learned wonderful, beautiful things, Like I learned what love is. I didn't know what love. You asked a hundred people what lovers. They'll tell you, and they don't come close. A lot of people don't come close. You know. I saw it, Matt, I saw it. Larry King one night he married, He got married seven times. He was on doing an interview with Matt Lown and he said, Matt, because Matt said, you're married seven times. He said, I'll tell you the truth, Matt, I only love two with her. And I thought, this guy don't have a clue. He don't have a clue what lovers love is a decision, it's a choice, It's an act of you will. It feels good to love, but it's not a feeling. Love is not a feeling. Because you know, you meet somebody in a a and you're in love, and then three weeks lady and not getting what you want, you're not in love. You know what I right? So I learned what love is, you know? And I think that because I'll tell you the truth how I learned this stuff. A guy comes running up to my sponse. He says, I'm divorcing her. I don't love her anymore. And my sponsor says, well, then love her. I said, what the hell is going on? You know? What do you know it's doing? He said no, I just said I don't love her anymore, and the sponse said, well, didn't you hear me? I said, then love her? And they this went on until the guy blew up and said, what are you death? And then he told him. He said, love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Love is an act of your will. It's a decision you choose to love. And man, does it feel good? Because I'm so glad I heard him say that, because I love my wife, you know, I I'm so you know, we meant when we were kids, were married sixty years, you know, And if I didn't know that, I would have I've been, you know, I'm a selfish so sendate guy. I would have been like, I got a guitar and a credit card. F you, I'm out of here. You know that's me, you know. But uh so I'm opening up. I'm hearing things I never heard before. They're making sense. I'm i start to open up. I started learning about forgiveness, which is really fading away in this country. They don't even know what it is anymore. There's some perfect people out there that like to take a rument or they don't even know how like damage or floor they are. You know, they actually think that they're they're perfect. It's crazy anyway, anyway, Uh you learned that forgiveness is giving up the right to get even or to get take revenge.

It's what would an awesome you know, forgive us our transpassers as we forgive those who trust messed against us. You know, I've been forgiven everything and I'm free. I'm free. Oh why hold it against somebody? They owe me this, they owe me that, they did that to me. I've been betrayed. Believe me, I've been deceived. You know, there's a lot of socio pass out there. They're good sociopaths. They're working on an advantage. They've got no conscience. Thank you, like, look at you to go. I love you, man. I want your money, that's all I want. You know, I live in Boca. People want other people's money in Boca. I don't know why. Strange thing to me, But so I'm at a meeting. I'm in a club room one day and Bill Whipple, who runs the club room, says to me, I'm sitting with a bunch of women. I'm I don't know, two years sober. It's like nineteen seven and I'm sitting in the club room. I'm sitting at a round table with a couple of women. I didn't like talking to men too much. I don't know. You know, my father was he was a case, you know, so you never had a real job, so I My mother had two jobs, so I kind of put more faith in women. I was sitting there talking to him, so Bill Whipple comes over to me, says, you are not celebrating your anniversary in this room. I said, who the hell are you? Who do you think you are? Do you mean I'm not celebrating my my anniversaries this month? I should be able to celebrate it. He said, no, you're not celebrating here. I said, why, you know? I was getting ready, you know, my bronx thing. I was getting ready just one shot. I could not this guy across the room, just one you know. And he said to me, you want to come over to the house and talk about it. I got your attention, didn't I. I didn't know you lived right near me. So I went over his house that night. It's it's really hard to talk about after old these years, it's freaking hard to talk about. I wanted this guy looked mode lawn lawns for a living. I went over there. I was piste off, but I went I was. I was willing, I was I had I had a spark of willingness. I had a little uh you know, yes, and me. I was open a little. I had a degreeably, you know, just a little, that's all God needs that opened. And I went over there and he found you know, I was I was behind a damn you know, I was locked up. My heart was like in a vault. And he found the crack and he shoved the screwdriver in and he just wiggled it and the whole freaking wall came down. Whoof I became real that night. I became real. You know what could I turn it? It's that defiance, that...

...cynical critical argument of contentious I rolling son of a bitch. I was when anybody mentioned anything that I didn't agree with, especially the man they mentioned Jesus. My eyes would roll to the back of my head. My head would almost come off because and I had no idea what they were talking about. But you know, I just I don't know what that was. It Uh. I felt threatened. I felt threatened this guy. So this guy's talking to me about Jesus one night, and I said, you know, I believe in God. I said, he took away my alcoholism. I got on my knees one night in nineteen sixty eight April first, I got on my knees and he took away my coalism. I have God in my life and he went Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. I said, no, no, you don't understand. That got God in my life. I go right to God. I don't need his uncles. And you know I had all those you know, I love to argue because I was in control. You know I could be in control. So so I did that and he looks at me, says, he says, something that changed my life. He said, Dion, I see that you believe in God. He said, uh, do you believe if you ask God for a tune for sandwich and give you a rock? I said no, oh, my God. And he says, oh, you believe God tells you the truth? I said absolutely. He said, ask him who Jesus is? You know he trusted me and that was it. I walked out. He didn't try to push again. Nobody and h You know I was going through the steps and you know I I had my uh funny thing. I went out for a job one day. I was very frustrated. I wasn't something was missing, and I said, God, it would be nice to be closer to you. You know, the Lord appeared to me on the street and I I've never been the same. I've never been the same. Uh. I ran home and I told my wife. I said, Susan, I said, Jesus is alive. And she looked at me like, you know, it was Moses. I came over the mountain like I was sweating too much of him. She was like, really suspicious, she's looking at me. I said, Susan, Jesus is really I just I just he appeared to me, Susan, I never felt so much love and forgiveness and peace and all these words became a reality to me. Are things became technicolor? I said, I feel a lie, Susan. She said, well, who doesn't know that? I said, well, why didn't you tell me? She said, yeah, like you're gonna believe me. So I had this, Uh that was my spiritual awakening. I go to a meeting and this is funny. I think it's funny. Um my friend Alex, he's Jewish. He's at the meeting and he says to me, I can't say you know, we get up and was saying the lords prass. I can't say the lords prayer. It's a Christian prayer. So Luckily I had a little you know, the little card with the prayer on it. So I gave him the prayer. I said, tell me what's Christian about it? So he takes...

...the prayer and he's going to al Father, who warn't in heaven hollowed be thy name, Thy kingdom, come, Thy will be done on earth. That he so he reads the whole thing. He says, I don't know. So I said, do you know where that prayer came from? He says no. I said, well, there was this rabbi and he was teaching these twelve Jewish guys. And the twelve Jewish guys asked them, Rabbi, teach us how to pray, and the rabbi said, pray this way, Alafa, who warn't heaven hallowed be thy name? I said, it's Jewish. Maybe I should get piste off about something I don't know. And so, you know, it's a funny thing. It's uh, you know, should I close because I'll be talking. I'll be talking until the next anniversary. You know what it is? Uh? In the club room I went through, there were three things on the wall behind the podium. Trust God, clean house, help others. Now, I want to tell you that is the pathway the same to it. And I know we're not saints, you know, but there's no why not try to be a saint? What's the big deal? Why not try to be? I think I think the day I meet the Lord, the only regret I have was not trying to be a saint. What other regret would I have? I don't know. I can't figure it out. That's the only thing I've come up with. So I thought, trust, trust God, clean house, help others. Now, my bishop, Bishop Barroon, my a guy, he's a friend of mine. He says, find the center. He says, no, that you're not. You know that you're floored and you have defects of character and you try to get rid of those things, and that life isn't about you. It's helping others. It's giving. That's what it is. Trust God, clean house, help ut same thing. It's it's the path wedding. It's very simple, and uh, you know, to be honest with you, you know, if I trust God. When I came in, I didn't know God from the hall in the wall, clean house. I didn't even know what they were talking about. I thought they meant get a broom or something. I didn't really know what they were talking about, you know. And then my sponsor said, it's better to be clean than to be clever. You know. He had all these words, he had all this stuff. He would tell me and help others who wanted to do that, you know, and see what a waste of time I was out for me anyway I can get it. You know, God is life good. We're so, We're so. You know what, everybody in this room, we found the privileged way to live. We found a trivileged way to live. There are people out there. I'm telling you it's barbaric to try to do life alone. And we have each other. We open up. I'm talking about being open. You guys know all my defensive character, my fears, my addictions. You know, uh, real quick, you know, to get to get the book right down into a nutshell. My sponsor used to say, if you don't have God, you gotta fill up with something, and you're gonna you've got to fill up on the four main addictions, the typical temptations, wealth, pleasure, power, honor. Without God,...

...you're gonna try to fill up on one of those things. Are all four of them? Money sex, drugs, rock and roll. Power. You're gonna become a politician, you know, you want some kind of power, control in your life and honor. I was big on honor. I won't say anything bad about me and get your face punched then, you know what I mean. I was big on on I don't know. I just grew up like that because people used to put my father down in another job. God forbid you'd say anything bad. But I learned all this stuff in the in the steps, and I got rid of it, you know, most of it. You know what I'm saying. You get you get aware of it, and you ask God to uh reverse some of those decisions you make when you were seven. When I was sevens God if anybody said anything bad about me, you know, and then you have like a seven year roll run in your life when your fifty. You know, so you go back then you say, you know, the first commandment is love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mine and strength. My first commandment was don't say anything bad about me. I'll kick your face him. You know. It's stupid way to live. It's not a good way to live. So um, but I thank Bobby, thank you, for asking me to come down. And got so many friends here, Stevie Fees here and Spike and I got Ellien Pete and Vinny's here some God, ADELI I want Vinnie Adam, thank you and home and God bless you guys have a great way.

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