AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. at Cape Atlantic Intergroup 6th International Workshop 6/13/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. at Cape Atlantic Intergroup 6th International Workshop June 13, 2021 

I'm very honored to be here with you guys. My name is Russell Stats. I'm an alcohol and stuff Miami Florida and it is wonderful to be here and I love listening to everybody who already spoke and and I'm looking forward to listening to polly to I know she's on here. I want to tell you a few things. I'm going to share some stuff with you and I don't mean to Piss anybody off. It just happens naturally when I talk, so I can't help it. Don't blame me. I feel obligated, I have to say because I'm dealing with alcoholics. I know you all are sensitive that this is just my opinion. You understand, it's just my opinion. Okay, although I'm absolutely convinced I'm right, but I have to say this is just my opinion. It's based on over forty years so recovery, my own personal experience and what I've watched the people and I hope to God it's scripturally correct. That by saying that I mean it's based on my readings from the big book, from conference approved material and some other material that maybe the conference has UN improved, but I know they haven't disapproved it, for sure. And here's a deal. You guys are, well, most of you adults, I suppose, but about as adult as an alcohol can be. And and so you're going to make your own judgment. You're going to make hey, here's the great note. This ain't address for hearthsl were. He's going to get to the end of our lives and we're here to say, Holy Shit, I should have done it that way. Why didn't I listen to that guy? Or I'm glad idea. You're going to make your own judgment. Don't. Don't do something just because I tell you to do it. You think about it. Think about it. I can tell you this. Everything I'm going to say is based up online knowledge of the Big Book and based upon the experience that happened to me, because many times what happens is you don't really digest the big book and what's said in the big book, then what they mean in the big book, until you personally experience the troubles and the problems and the solutions and the victory that comes from giving your life to God that flows out of your own personal life. That's why they say let's let's let me let's suggest this during this short talk. I'm going to read you a few things for a reason I'll tell you in a second. Let's suggest this in the short talk. Let's make believe that the big book is correct, just for laughs and gidness. Let's make believe that the twelve and twelve is correct in what they say, you know, just just for this, mean, okay. And and let's make believe that when they say half measures of value US nothing, that's true, not that you know. I mean, I know what we think. We think we'll half measures at least give you a fifty percent right. I'm not drinking. But let's say it's true that it actually doesn't give me anything. Let's let's say there really isn't any middle of the road solution. Let's say there isn't. Let's say that's true. Let's say you either utterly, utterly abandon your Salf to God or you don't, and there's no middle of the road solution. Let's say it gets to the point in your life where you actually have to make a decision. You Proclaim God and his glory and what he has done in your life, either outside a or inside a a, or do you keep quiet because you're worried about what other people will think about you if use the word God. Let's say there's no middle of the road solution. Let's say Bill Wilson, when he told, when he told a Bill Dotson, these work. When Bill Dotson said to Bill Wilson in alcoholics and Numb is not a snumber three, I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got, some sort of release, some sort of some sort of incredible release, some rocket ship drive, that I was sober and he was so but they had something I didn't have, something in person ought to have. And then I heard Bill Wilson say to my wife, Henrietta, the Lord God has been so wonderful to me, sure me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about it and telling this to other people. And I realized that when Bill Wilson had was this such profound convincing in his mind that God was doing for him but he couldn't do for anybody else, and he was convinced, you know, that this was happening, that God with limited his art of mind in a way which is a deep miraculous that he had to tell other people that he was previnced that God was the center, he's of his life, that he was being rocket in the fourth dimension, that is experienced much of heaven and that his great fact was this, and nothing less than God exists. He is that the that he ate this and the agnostic that that sort of think it had to be abandoned, that God either is, is everything or he's nothing, and they had come down on the side of everything you understand and that in order to really really get this thing, not just to not drinking thing, but to be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence, they get things that a person had, that most people go had. You had to abandon yourself entirely to God, you had to be on a new basis, a new situation, that you never apologized for God,...

...even in a meetings where it was written all over the fall that all men of faith, that courage, they trusted their God, that you never apologize for God, that we even encourage church membership, because we all go to church and we go to synagog go those places because one would prove our conscious contact with God and we let him demonstrate in our lives. But he could be let's say these guys, let's say they were really certain it's about this shit. I'm what, if that's true, well, that's a scary thing then. I mean it's to be an interesting deal. Yet you sit around and you're listen to the promises. You say, man, I wish I could lose fear of people, and then you make sure when you're talking, you use the word hp or whatever were you want to use, to make sure you don't use the word God, because you made her somebody feelings, because you're worried, because you're actually more worried about other people's feelings and whether they'll roll their eyes at you or look disparagingly at you then you are about your relationship with God because, as it says in the twelve and twelve, even though you say you believe in God, you haven't really entirely ugly turned your life over to God because, just like it says in Chapter Seven of the devolve and twelve, it says you can even say you've leave in God that believes baring, baring, because he's not really a working part of your life, having centered life upon him, around him. Let's say that's true. Let's set all that stuff. Is True, that you really have to ultimately make a choice. Maybe in the beginning of a didn't. They didn't make that much rechoice. They sort of ordered you to make the choice. The weren't any suggestions, I don't know, but you had to make that choice if you're really going to get this thing. And if you did make that choice, somewhere along the line you would get something, but you wouldn't get what they had because you hadn't thoroughly turned your life. You hadn't thoroughly done what they did. And so maybe you'd stay sober for many years, but you'd live a life of quiet desperation. Maybe you stay sober for many years but the worldly clamors would just plowed out any happiness you might that. Maybe say so for ten years and then your drink. Or twenty years and then you drink. The thirty years and then you drink. But eventually you would drink or drug or do some stupid stuff or hurt people because you never had really done the whole thing, the full monty. You really tried with a lot about mobs dribe in middle of the roads, which what if all that is true, what if this comes down to more than just lip service but actually doing more than just accepting God in your life, or believe it in God, but proclaiming him before other people in Agg you know, how would you how would you feel about somebody who told you to their face they liked you, and then you found out they were in other places saying that they laughed at you and they hated you it they didn't think you that big deal? I think it's an interesting to ask God's reremote, relieved of the fear of other people's judgments, and then hang out in this world there, Nay Room, scared of other people's judgments because you don't want to mention God. That's that's an interesting you know, here's my theory on this. After forty one years, you know, almost forty, but forty and a half years, whatever it is. My theory is is that if you're not ready to tell the world what God has done for you, how incredible he is, and talk about that, you shouldn't because you're worried about other people's judgments. You should never ever answer expect have the fear of other people's judgment lifted from you. It's just like a little theory, but of course this is all my opinion. I could be wrong about this. So I want to read you. I often, when I usually do is I never write down stuff. I never prepare really, but in this case I have some stuff I want to get through. So I've written down a few things as couple things. I'm going to read and I'm going to taste something. There may be a connection here between everything I'm reading. I know they've told me of those. Come on, nine and ten. You know I don't like being told what to do. I'm an alcoholic, but I'm going to try to. But I promise you everything I read here, Everything Digest, is somehow going to have something to do with step ten and therefore step nine. But then is continuing to do everything before that, and so it's going to have something to do with it. Maybe, or I'm lying. It doesn't matter. Nobody's going to drink or half of the time, and at these prices you shouldn't expect that much anybody. Okay, so I'm going to read a couple of things and I don't let you connect the dots. Maybe you're going to hear what you're going to hear. Anyway. You're not necessarily going to hear what I say. That's okay. I'm just here to try to carry the message. I don't even on a power to cary the message right.

You know, I don't know what you're going to hear. I mean some people going to get a third step, some people you can get the first step, some people can hear the test that, some people aren't going to hear anything at all. You've already turned me off. You know they're going to the kitchen. You got to pay the JIB. So I don't know, it don't matter. The matter. The point is that when I leave here, I don't have to worry whether you drink or you don't drink or what. You like me, you don't like me, because I'm not concerned about your judgment. I'm concerned about how I am doing before my God, and I can say I left nothing on the table because it was all about you. Okay, so that's the deal and that's the rocket ship in the fourth dimension. That's the new freedom, that's the new freedom of the new happiness. So let me because I don't want to live a life of quite this spration. You know, I want the real deal and hang around here for forty years that get that other crap, you know, like I have a sign in my office you from the movie a few good men. The truth. You can't handle the truth. You know, I know I'MOUs throwing alcoholic because every once in a while, one set of Blueloom before I do a meeting, a little doubt flows through my mind just a second. But it's an alcoholic it's an alcoholic thought. It's the real alcoholism. It's not the drinking. It's not the drinking drinking. That's bullshit. No, but everybody stopped drinking an air. They stopped for a week, they stopped a month, they stopping ten years, they stopped twenty years. That's not that. I was an alcoholic way before. I drank for years before I drank. Every every problem, every fear, every difficulty, everything that I go through in the last forty years I went through before the age of fifteen. I went through as a teenager. I went through before I drank and I went to it during the drink and I went to it after the drinking. The alcohol is a drinking to a symptom, you know, the whourrying around is a symptom. The being of people pleasers, a slim. I mean, I got so many symptoms you can't imagine the real disease, centers of my mind, on my body, is about my entire personality. Sober. My problem is not out them as now drinking. I drink because I'm restless. You're both discontent and a million other adjectives type behind there. I'm restless, dear will, an income, discontent. Sober. My problem is sobriety. My problem is a lack. I suffer from alcohol deficiency, Valium Deficiency, drug deficiency, woman deficiency, sex deficiency, money deficiency, Mazzarotti deficiency. I suffered because I need something that I can't seem to find so that I can feel good about myself, and I am convinced that I can find they're out there in the worldly clamors of the world. I suffer from something so much greater than just a drinking problem. I probably run into two to threezero people in Aa all the time that have stopped drinking for ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, thirty years and drank again, or thousands of people that are in a a that are that are still restless, ear gold, discontent, sober. To every one person I run into that has over the thirty years and it's been continuously sober and it's a peace with himself and his be and those are true freedom and his the peace of himself. This is not about the drink of that, you know. Yeah, you got to get rid of the drinking thing before you get here. This is about living life with the joy of living. This is this is about enthusiastic enthusiasm over God and making him the the centerpiece of your life. I know what this is about. So let me read you about three things and then I'm going to get to the meeting. Tavis this thing. So I'm going to read something that you know. There's so many here's you know what? The why? Norman? Alcohol? Because every once in a while, let me tell you what I do before I do a meeting. There'll be a hundred people, I don't care. I could be a convention, but two thousand people doesn't matter. A little voice comes in my mind. This is what the voice says. It says should I tell him the truth? Where should I hedge my bet? Should I give them the meat and treat them like adults? Where should I give them baby formula, knowing if I give them the meat, some people are going to not like, some people are going to hate, some people going to say and you know one of my problems was is, I'm a, I'M A, I'm a, please love me, a hauling. I'M A, please don't reject me. A hauling, I'm please don't think badly of me. A hauling. So that peer pressure, that desire to be accepted by you and for people to say how wonderful I am and everything like that is so seductive to me and it killed me all my life. All my life I did things, you make decisions,...

...to try to get that to you and and the bottom line is you live your life trying to please everybody and be something else everybody you don't even know who you are. You can't be yourself. But at least I'm satisfied to say that up until this moment in time, I always, when I speak, try to give out the real deal, knowing that it's going to piss off some people. But you know something, it's like my old sponsor said when I said you get resentancy, said get them, I give them. Some people need to be pissed off and angry at you before they get the truth. Sometimes you got to be more concerned about telling people the truth and saving their lives then your own personal motives to have them like you. Sometimes, in order to sense spated set save a Sponsee, you got to tell him something he doesn't want to hear and instead of instead of and risking the possibility that he may walk away and Friday. Sometimes you just have to do that. You know, there it comes down to the fact as to whether you want to save lives and help people and tell him the truth, or you just want them to lie as you and speak highly of you. Know I mean, that's what it really comes down to. You know, alcoholics are are one of the things you are and says. It's not only we subsition self setting with Ilusional we can't separate the truth from the false or alcoholic thinking and life, it seems the only normal one. We do things to people that are hurtful and harmful under the guys of well, we want to be nice and kind, when it doesn't call to be nice and the call and calls to say the tough stuff. Sometimes it's I'll tell you this. I can't tell you how many times I've learned valid lessons by sponsors that told me once you just shut up and listen, who treated me poorly, who's told me things or with sarcastically and totally things I didn't want to hear. How many times I walked out of me hating a sponsor, or, hating somebody who was speaking. And you know what it is if you don't want to drink, you don't want to drink and hate somebody. You got to get rid of that respt. You got to write down. I read. Are you sent this guy? Why do you say this? Who Do know me? And I write it down and then you pray for me. Then you put the list. Okay, forget what he did. What did I do? Whatever like that, and then you talk to his thoughts about it and a week lady, you say, Holy Shit, that guy was right and you learn something about yourself. And then you you got people come up to say, you know, I used to hate you, but no, I love because you've taken the risk, because you're more concerned with telling them the truth. That not. So let me read a couple things that you real fast. Okay, and this is from page one hundred and sixty five and the big book, and I've got I got the surface book here. You know, he says now and then a serious drinker being dry at the moment now and then a serious drink. Are being dry at the moment. Who are they talking about? You know who they're talking about. Now and then a serious drink of being dry the moment. He did talking about you. The talk. I used to think they were talking about new cards. I usually they were talking about guys like eighteen days rateum that they're talking about you and talk about me now and then. A serious drink of being dry at the moment. Says, I don't Miss it at all. I feel better, I work better, I'm having a better time, everything's wonderful. Hey, sounds good to me right. This is what they say in the big book. This is the baffling stuff. As ex alcoholics, we smile at such a salad. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself inwardly. He would give anything to take a half dozen drinks to get away with him them. He will presently try the old game again for us and happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some Day, who would be unable to imagine life be the with them without alcohol? That he will know loneliness is you just do he will be at the jumping off place. He will wish for the end. Now, maybe you can explain to me how a guy who's an alcohol who's dry at the moment, who's not drinking, how he could say to his sponsor, Hey, I'm doing great, I'm not worried at all, I feel better, look better, having a better time, I don't even want to drink. How you can date that and make the prediction that soon he'll try the old game again, that he's got a pry. How do you make that prediction? It's almost impossible logically to make that prediction. I'll tell you how I understood that. I understood that when I started meeting people in the a that told me they were never going to drink again. When I started people meeting people in a saying don't worry about me, I went to meet yesterday, I need to be going. I...

...don't worry about I already went to a meeting today. When I started meeting being more people in they a, they kept on telling me how fantastic they are, how great they're doing. How you know? Then they got the drinking out the control and every single one of them drinking again, and I started understanding that people that have accepted the have accepted the first step and understood their powerlessness and understood also that not only are they powerless, powerless, but whatever power they can somehow get in their lives, they help them live their lives, had to come from their allegiance and their connection with God. Never spoke like that. Never talk like I got it now, I'm in control. They honestly believe that their life was unmagable. They could not manage it. No human being can manage it. Only God could have and would be. was sought and their entire life was devoted to God. They were never cocky about their surbriet. Whenever they spoke, somehow, some way, they always interwove in the fact they were sober through the grace of God and they either talk about God or God working through other people in their minds. It was always part of their story. It was never I'm doing better, I'm feeling bet around the haven a better time. They always understood what the story was with alcohols. You know, I'm going to read something out of the twelve and twel out of Dr Bob and the good old timers. I suggest if you really want to see what's going on here. You get this book. It's about alcoholics and I was written between it's about AA, between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine. A A started in nineteen thirty nine. The big thirty five, the big book, was written nineteen thirty nine. You ready know. Listen, this is this is like postgraduate. A AA was started in thirty five. The big book was written in Nineteen thirty nine and in the big book, the they wrote in nineteen thirty nine. They said this rarely how we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path, which I believe as a Wordsmith, I'm a lawyer, means you do thoroughly what we did, you will get what we got. I mean hopefully I can get an a and Amaen for that. But in order to understand what they did prior to that time when they wrote that, you actually have to read exactly what they were doing between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine. The devil, excuse my language, is in the details. And what they did was the books that they found absolutely essential. That's not my words. That's in our topics group, the books that they found absolutely essential. That means essential, which means essential means. I looked it up in the dictionary. It means essential, unless you're an alcohol and then you can figure out some mother me. Essential means essential. Absolutely essential means you better Welldo it if you want what they had. The books they found essential, absolutely essential for first Corinthians, thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. Now I'm just saying. I'm just saying, don't get mad at me, call up New York tell him not to publish this thing anymore. I mean you're in talent. Your own opinion just not incount your own facts. And I can tell you if you read, if you ever get to the Phem, you actually start studying the books they were reading and understand the context in which they were reading it, the big books going to go from black and light to technicol because all all of a sudden you're going to discover words and means and means within words that you never even thought of in concepts when you read. You have to be the Good Samaritan every day and you're saying, what is a good Arab have to do? It's not really an Arab. But what does a good Arab have to do with what I have to be every day. You're going to read in the Book Alou what they were reading, what the Good Samaritan is it, what it meant and what the Good Samaritan meant in terms of relationship with God. You're going to read some stuff that's not even in the big book, but they were reading it before they wrote it. You're going to read some wild stuff. You're going to read servant on the Mount. You're going to read the part about servant on the mouth, that where it says if you want anything from God, you need to go with him without doubt. They can be no doubt, because the man who has doubt, you're going to read this in the book of James, which they're reading, will can expect to receive nothing, nothing if you have doubt. You're going to find out about this middle of the road. You're going to find out that in sermon a mount says if you if you want to go to God and you want a better relationship with God and you want to improve your relationship with God and you have a problem with your name Amor and you did something wrong with your neighbor before you come to...

God, you've better fix something. That problem with your neighbor because he doesn't like talking the liars. He doesn't like talk to liars and Bullshit Artists and tempo prits. He wants you, he wants he wants that a relationship with you. But what he wants you to do is if you know you have a problem, you did something wrong, you fix that thing first so you're not suffering from you're going to find out where this ten step came from, you're going to find out with a night step came from, you're going to find out where all these steps come from, and then you're going to listen in your meetings to people that want to put down God. You're going to listen to your meetings that are basically people that are going to put down religion. I don't know, I'm not schizophrenic enough. You know, listen. I know they told me once. I he said, you know, he says you've got a split personality. I said, I wish I could get it down to two. I'd be okay, but I know you can have a split personality. Maya, you can say are the ones stayand you're sober and you believe in God, and of the other hand you say the hate religion, or act like religion is bullshit. I just don't know how you do it and say you're open minded and that you're tolerant. I don't know how you do it. When you have a book where it says that sober people lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. We begin to see where they're right. I don't really know how you count yourself as being emotionally sober, emotionally sober, if you sitting there and acting like we religious people are stupid, and then you're just such at such a higher plane as not that I'm not. Let me tell you down. People say I'm spiritual, not religious, like they're like the better than everybody else did, just like in a higher plane. Let me tell you something. I'm the one thing I learned about my life after forty years. I am anything but spiritual. I am a material minded person. You take me away from from focusing on God, on Reading God, the material, on hanging out with Godly people, doing all this stuff. I'm looking at every woman's breasts. You understanding I'm saying? I'm looking. I'm thinking about Romance, I'm thinking about finance. You may be spiritual, you are probably at a higher plane. I'm one of these guys. I suffered from grave emotional and mental discord. I'm like Bill Wilson. Okay, these worldly cloud I am not a spiritual person. I've never earned any land on that apron. Okay, I am what I am is I am a material person, a material man, just like Bill Wilson was. And the only good I have in me now, and if there's anything you see me that's decent of good, has nothing to do with me. It's because you didn't know me before I started believing in God. It has to do with God. It's because it's just like what Dr Young said when he said the role and has you up the mind of our chronic alcohol. I've never been successful in that state of mind exists. Is there no hope? Yes, there is hope. It's since ancient times. It's a phenomena, it's a miracle here and there once in a while. It talks about the profound personality change, the psychic profound personality chase. That only comes only comes around through spiritual means, through belief in God. You know, that's that's what he thought. He said ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding forces of these men as lives guiding course of these are pushed one side and they become dominated by holding this set of ideas emotions in that attitude. That's the real kicker. Whether you with my spots, you say, why do you think you do? Why do you say the things you said? Why do you activate? You at sober? That's what that's just my personality is your personalities killing you. Well, that's great. At I to stop drinking. How do you start the personality? So let's go to you know, this book that they were talking about how they did twelve steps? How did they twelve step people? How do they talk to people? What do they do between one thousand nine hundred thirty five? Here's Dr Bob Twelve stepping, Clarence, the broke broom master and Acron Ohio. It's in the book. It's going to why you can just read this whole book and said I just want to read this one part, Doc Smith. Now Clarence is like thirty five years old, he's in the hospital, he's been hostilized because of alcoholism. He's on his deathbed. He's guys like I'm bean, thirty five pounds. He's got nothing and he dr and Clarence's wife Babs Dr Bob to go see him. So Dr Bob goes and sees Clarence and this is the conversation. This is on page one hundred and forty three of Dr Bobo. In the good old times. Doc Smith came in later and took over. He sat on the edge of my bed. Well, what do you think about this? He caused and looked at me doubtfully. I don't know if you're ready yet. I don't know if you're ready yet. You're kind of young, Clarence says. I was down two hundred thirty five pounds, no job, no clothes, no money. I didn't know how much more ready I could be. Clarence, we call Clarence still. I had to convince them I was ready. You get that. I had to convince them I was ready. We run all over the place begging people not to drink, banking people not to do the to do the fourth step, begging people to come a day a. You know they did back then. You had to convince them you were you. They wouldn't allowed to go to be the push that needs the third step right in front of him. You,...

...you, you had to convince them. You were ready. So then here's what here's the first question Dr Bob asked. Here's the first question he asks. Then he asked, do you believe in God? Young Fellow, I love all those guys that say you might scare some that. Where you going to scare him to? By the way, it's scare him away. Where you going to scare him to? Where are you going? There? Ohen the going out to the bottle. They'll be back in. Don't worry about it, they'll be back in a little die. I mean don't worry about alcoholics. I. We're about his common dirt. You know, we're the ones. We listen. We survived. We're the ones to get into a head on crash with a car, kill a family of for and we walk away with bruises. You know what I mean? After the thumbal nuclear blast, after the world comes to an a and the only two things that will be left for cockroaches and alcoholics, don't worry about us, you know I mean, we're survivors. Okay, where they gonna go? If they get pissed at you, they're going to run out the door, get arrested, go to jail, crawl back in again. Come on, then he asked, you believe in God, Young Fella? He always called me young fellow. When he called me clouds, I knew I was in trouble. So this is what Clowen says. You're ready listen. This is not my opinion. I'm reading from our buck. It says, it says. This is what he says. Is what he says. You believe in God, one felling. This is what Clarence says. What does that have to do with it? What does that have to do with it? This is what Dr Bob says. Everything. Everything. I want you smart eyes to look up the word everything in the dictionary and webster, because sometimes one of the things I've learned that about out. My first wife said to me you can come drop what I was sober as I am right now. I was a division chief of the state's Attorney's office before I left my house with this beautiful wife in my beautiful house and everything like that. She said to me, she looked at me said I want you to know if become home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you twelve words, as clear as clear to be. If you come home drup more time, I'm leaving you I drove away from there, I got to the first light and this is what I said to myself. What the hell did she mean by that? You know, unless until an alcoholic and sets his alcoholism all its consequences, sobriety me pre carries him to happen Wi funding at all. One of the consequences of being an alcoholic. There are consequence to be in alcoholic because whenever you hear something you don't like, or here's somebody tell you something you don't like, it confuses you when you hate them. And that's what you have to understand. You have to stay in. As clear as the big book is, with clear cut directions, alcoholics don't even understand what they're reading. They don't even understand what they're being invited to. It says. What does that have to do with it? Everything he said, I guess. I do guess nothing. Either you do or you don't. Yes, I do. That's fine, Dr Bob by. Now we're getting somewhere. All Right, get out of your bed and get on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't, but that's all. Righteous. Follow what I say, and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence said, there were no suggestions. There were no suggestions. Dr Bob was always positive about his faith, Clarence said, if someone asked him a question about the program is usually response was, what what does it say of the good book? Suppose he was asked what's all this? First Things First, Dr Bob, to be ready with an appropriate quotation. seeky first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things will be added. Unto you, did you know that's what we're first things first came from you want to learn this stuff. You want to learn what you're actually getting involved in. But this thing was all about, you know, if you want to be rocket in the fourth dimension existence. Okay, so here we go. Let me tell you a looking about my disease. I made a list, and it's not an all conclusive list, but I made it because I want to get through a fair because we only have a few about fifteen more minutes, sixty more minutes, you know, and so I want to get through this pass. So here's a list of my disease, probably not your disease. I have a pretty bad deal of it, you know, and you know, because this is a lot about the sixth in the seventh the you know what is this say? What do they say to the sixth step? It's the step that separates the MEM from did you know that in Aa there's a separation between men and boys, between when? Did you not? Did you listen? I'm swear I'm not kidding this. I know, I know, you think everybody gets the promises, everybody gets rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, everybody gets the new freedom that I know that's what you think. But did you know when a is a separation between, in the sixth step, between it? Do you know what the definition of the the men are or the women? The men are those who are repeatedly trying, or, I guess, the people. Now, the people are those who are repeatedly trying to grow in the image and likeness of their creative youir entire life is focused on growing in the image...

...and likeness of God. They think about God all the time, they worship God, they sing about God. There was the song that they do whatever they can to put themselves in a position, all looking to people that are talking to that God, think about God, knowing that they want more God not more sex, not more money, not more cars, but more God. That's the definition. So the thing that separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls are the people that honestly are true believe is a believe in God, and the other people that are never going to go there, and all they're going to do is laugh at them and say that's not my deal. You understand and think of ways to try and to ward it out of the program and they believe they're doing it. May believe they're doing it, so it's because it sounds like they're doing it, but they really don't believe it. It's a form of AA without power and it's been around for years. It's a form of a without power. It'll keep you so for a while you may be relatively happy, just like it says the six step. You settle. You settle for being fairly okay, but in the long run you know you're not going to be rocking, but you're not going to get the promises. That ain't going to happen to you, Sweetie. Ain't going to happen. So let me tell you about my bus here. It's good. Is the deal. Number One, I was a victim I was a victim. Number two, I'm I was never appreciated. Number three, I was filled with self pity, self centering as self involved in I'm always saying, why is this always happening to me? Number Four, are delusions of grandeur and revenge. I'll show you. You don't know who you're scrolling with. You'll be sorry. You have no idea who you're dealing I was the bravest man in the world and I was a coward at the same time. I was scared of people in the judgment, yet I constantly told myself I didn't give a shit with other people thought about. I never met anybody who could honestly understand me because I was so different than you need. I was smarter, I was more sensitive than anybody. I never saw anybody who looked like they hated injustice as much as I hated injust no one ever looked as sensitive, no that ever looked on the outside of sensitive as I felt on the inside. I Create Romance, I created sex, I create detention, I created acceptance. I could not handle the rejection in any form from any person. I hated not knowing what's going to happen to me and not having control. I hated those who didn't didn't like me, who I thought didn't like me or didn't agree with me. I always had to win an argument, have the last word. Thought most people were stupid. I was incredibly great, except what I thought I was a piece of craft, and here's an and unworthy and he is the amazing thing. As an alcoholic, I'm able to think I'm great and a piece of craft that deserves to kill myself at the same time. I don't know how you can hold both thoughts at the same time, but I am a man who thinks I'm better than everybody and I'll walk away and say I want to kill myself because I'm such a JCENT BREAP. I have the ability. It's just some sort of weird, out off brilliance that I have. I'm an if Onlier, I'm a yes butter, I'm a you don't understand her. I wake up every morning say if I only had that woman, if I only had that car, if I only had that job. My life is always something that's going to happen as soon as I get this and then I would get that, and everything has a half life of two weeks or six months. I get that down. I marry her, I love her, I'm great for a year and then I'll look at for the next Gal. And I'm saying and I'm telling myself lies. I'm a liar. You know. She doesn't understand me. Whatever it is, I'm a needy guy. I need more of everything. I'm never satisfied. I'm always complained about life and people and Gossiping and talking badly about others behind their bath I'm always blaming people. I'm obsessing. I obsessively talk to me about me and my situation and other people. You know, I'm the only person I ever talked to honestly in this world, and it's not really honest, is me. I love talking to me about me. Whenever I whenever I talk or think about anything or talk about anything in my mind, I always talk to myself and they're always bad shit about myself and other people. I can tell you that's never good stuff. And here's the real wild thing. And I walk around like that and I don't even think I have a problem because that sort of life and that sort of thinking is natural to me. It's the my alcoholic life seems the only normal one of it. My spiritual axiom is whenever I'm disturbed, no...

...matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. I mean, it's so clear to me. I mean, you can argue me otherwise, and I'll tell you what. Never criticize me, never try to help me, never try to tell me what you think, because I don't need your emotion, because I'm defined and I don't want to I don't want to hear it, and it's never my fault. And that's the way I was until I had my first drink, and that's the way that wasn't something that alcohol did to me. That's the way I was before I had my first drink. And I had my first drink and it all went away. It all went away. I defy anybody to drink out. Will have to do for them what it did for me. You're not going to stop, you ain't going to do it. No woman, no car, no matter, money, no clothes, no, no, nothing ever work quite as well and quite as fast as just a few drinks, although I had come to learn that after the drinking was gone, you know, the women, the car, all that other stuff work too, but maybe not as quickly. I spend more money. I didn't have minecrap. I didn't need to impress peoplight in white and make myself feel better than you can. I can't possibly imagine. And the button, the carble thing is when you need a new s class Mercedes to feel good about yourself, as soon as it gets old, you feel bad about yourself, or as soon as you lose it, to feel bad about yourself, even if you can't, if you can't keep up with a pain, and if having a woman or having a set makes you feel good about yourself, as soon as you don't have her, you want to kill yourself. And if having a job makes you feel good about yourself, then you're absolutely scared shitless your entire life of losing the job. Or they're not like any with the job. There's nothing in this world that I can get that makes me feel good forever and doesn't come, doesn't have fear come along with it. I have, I have, I got hangovers. Course of women hang out of this because of money hang out over. Let me tell you some time. I have money deficiency, woman deficiency, sex deficiency, car deficiency, alcohol Defficiency, bounding deficiency. I mean, there's nothing in this earth that I can't do anything. I use. Man, I'll tell you. Every time I used anything, I use. Any time I used alcohol to help me to do something, I can never do the same thing again without the alcohol. If I needed alcohol to talk to a girl, I couldn't talk to a girl without the album net alcohol. Thatsess. Get off sex without the alcohol. Need alcohol. The do I mean? Every time I used alcohol and drugs or something be able to do something. I was thrown away parts in my life, and that's just the small hat. Listen, I'm just man. I am. You know what I learned about? Guess What I learned somewhere around twenty years sober, that I was insane. You know that second step of that says God will restore you to sanity. You know what I figured out after twenty years, and I am pretty good sobriety, I think, as things go, when I was doing all stuff, I figured out that the only way you could be restored to sanity is you have to be insane first. So I spent the first I said spent. Let me see, I would say I spent at least ten to fifteen years and AA doing the whole deal, all the service and to grom back the chair for two years. You know all the relay for eight years, sponsoring people talking to me. I was a spent at least ten to fifteen years sober, an Aa to repeated humiliations and crushing to myself proficiency and talking to sponsors who are not kind to me. I spent the first ten to fifteen years learning what alcoholism actually was and what it looked like in my life. I had no idea what the cage really was. I thought the cage was drinking. They spoke so much about alcoholism and and the book says. The book says Reggan, you can't see it. The book says you can't see the hope does it says alcoholics anonymous. It says it in the title. They talk so much about alcoholism. They talk so much about don't drink them unless you even, if they ask, falls off. Think about ships for alcoholism and how long you even I thought this was about alcoholism. I thought it was back alcohol. It took me a good ten fifteen years to realize what alcoholism really looked like, what this page was. I was, I was involved in that. I was a bondage and years and years and years and years and years of going through humiliation and all that sort of stuff until I finally somewhere around twenty years. That doesn't mean it's going to take you twenty years. I know it says you have to go for a lifetime, but you guys are probably got a bin Nimes Tuesday. You...

...know, my problem was is I thought I was smart, I thought I was intelligent. When you think you're intelligent, it's a real it's a real problem because there's a big difference between intelligence and wisdom, sometimes wisdom. You know, there's a reason why they say we learned the value. You know, in the big book about Bols anonymously, did you know it says that we learned the value of suffering? Did you know it says that that we learned the value of something that is value? Do you know that in the book of James, which was the book with that, it says rejoice when you have trials of many kinds, because when you enjoy the trial and you consistently turned towards God and you consistently it makes your faith broke until you finally get at the point, maybe when you're twenty years sober, that you've actually not you you stopped turning your life over to God. And you actually start living a turned over life. You saw waking up in the morning think about God, you go to sleep thinking about God. Hey, listen, thank God. Thank you God. That happened by the time I'm seventy two, because I'm a short time. I don't have that much longer to go. Everybody who I hear about today, that's nine, is younger than me, ninety percent of them. You know, I could be I could be gone five years now, ten years now, an hour from it. Thank God I got to thank God, you know, not a moment to soon. You know, somewhere around two thousand and twenty five years I didn't get doing this stuff so much and came, I guess, open minded enough through pain. I learned the value of suffering that I started hanging around people that were talking about God. I got sponsors that were focused on God. I'd started going to Bible study for ten years, that none one for ten years, know, the same one for thirty years, and just reading all the books they were reading, where finally I got to the poem where not only was I focused on God and absolutely convinced that it works in my life and and talking about God and proclaiming you know, every time I proclaimed God, it to me like this. You know what I'm doing. I'm proclaiming them to myself. I'm telling me he exists, you know. And the bottom line is, right around the time I started proclaiming God and think about God and stop worrying about all these guys that were rolling their eyes that live in lines of quiet desperation, that's about a time I lost fear of your judgment. That's about the time I lost fear of your judgment. You know what it's like to live in a world without without worry about one of the people think about you. You can possibly in that? You can't. I wish I could take my brain for about a minute, two minutes, five minutes, just planting in your brain, if you want, of these people that worry about what you're going to say. It an a meaning. You know what people going to think of you, and I I wish I could plant my brain and you're brain for about two minutes and take it out. Well, I I say, I'm five minutes left, right. Well, are you four minutes? Sorry if I don't know. Well, in any events, had about nine. Well, about nine minutes to go, Russell. You're doing good. Nine minutes. So. So I'd love to tell you I went to a meeting. I should tell you, I'd like to say one a story, because I think that, I think our stories do dis close in a very important way of what used to be have when, I think you got to put it, I remember being brought to what a mean when I was ste month sober, the guy speaking with Ault Kennedy. Still remember him. There's some people I still remember. I remember. I'll never forget him. And he was, you know, about thirty five, thirty six years and he was speaking. He was an incredible speaker. I was sitting in the front road with my sponsor, Bob Sulivan, and and after he was just lifting up people and love it on people and talking about God and all that sort of stuff, talking about his life and what was going on. And when he was done, he was one of these guys that you know, you ever need anybody in a a that a. You see, it was some it's you know how it says, if you want when we have, there's a step before the steps, as in there says, if you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get then you're ready to picture and steps. He was one of these guys. I wanted what he had. He was one of these guys that I was attracted his program dry. I was attracted to what he had. I didn't even know what he had. He was a real man, but he wasn't like Argy, you know, he was a he was he was kind and he was soft and jet all with people, but he wasn't, I don't know how explained. He wasn't over one. He was he was you know, when you were in his presence you felt better for having been there. You know, and I and he was an alcoholic. I knew he was like me, buddy. He was like me blue, but he was not like me. It was like I play golf and Tiger Woods Place Golf. We're playing a different game, you know. I mean he was sober, but he wasn't sober like me. He was sober like, you know, like that guy build doctor. Was Looking to go Wilson and I turned them my sponsor and I said to my sponsor, where does he hang out? I want to hang out with this guy, like, you know, what group is he and my sponsor said this. You know, I'll never forget this is this is forty years ago I was doing so, but he said...

...he's dying. I mean, this is you got. You got understand my sponsor, to understand him. You say a lot of crazy stuff to me. One time I took my officie shot saw him, showed them all my degrees on the wall. I have like twenty degrees from all the place. The tested, the fact I've been educated, probably on my Pascity. Don't understand anything. I had all these reason I said. I said, Bob, these are my degrees, and he said, well, you don't rust reckeles. The moms have degrees and you know they do it though. So that's kind of sponsor I had. But in Anyvay, I said, I love to hang around with the style with what group is the end? He didn't give me an answer. He said, well, you know he's dying, and I said no, I'm talking about the guys. Just to the mean that guy, I'll Kennedy. What group does he go do? He says, well, he's dying. I said well, I said, you're not listening to me. I said what group does he go to? He says Russell. He's dying of cancer. He's got six months to live. I said what are you talking about? I mean the guy just did a meeting, I just started doing it in say anything about dying? I said, I know, he didn't say anything about it, but I'm telling he's got six months to live. You know, he goes out every once in a while. He's got six months to live. You know he's not really that strong. And I said, but he didn't say I said, I know, I said he's dying. I'm this. And six months later he was dead. And my my concession, my vision of what Aa Alcoholic, my vision of what sobriety, was completely changed from not drinking to having what Al Kennedy, I wanted to have. What out Kim. I wanted to have out and sobriety. And that's what I've been doing for the last forty years. I've been hanging around with me that that that evoke that kind of sure that show illustrate that type of survive. I don't tell. You know, there's nothing wrong with the good drop alog. I could do a drunkolog and put a gun to my head, I can do it. But I want to talk about the men that are overcoming this world. I want to talk about those guys that says be in the world but not up of world, that in this world you'll have problems, but be a good share you can over the I want to talk about the men that are going through shit, and it's in that just sort of living life with a sort of dignity and a way of living life, for they're helping people and, just like it says in the big book, above everything, we must get rid of this selfish sinst we mustard kills us. God makes that possible. Wants to make a sinceris desire for God, but give us everything we need if we stay close to him and performance work well, and because I'm an alcoholics anonymous and I'm interested in being close to him, I know what his work is for me, and it's not even work anymore. It's an incredible pleasure, pleasure to be a servant to God, and part of that pleasures to be do with you and talk about what God, what the Lord, has done for me in my life. So thank you very much. Good last year. That's all I have to say.

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