AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 3 months ago

Russell S. at Cape Atlantic Intergroup 6th International Workshop 6/13/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. at Cape Atlantic Intergroup 6th International Workshop June 13, 2021 

I'm very honer to be here with you guys.My name was Russell Spes, I'm an alcoholic stuff, Miami Florida and itis wonderful to be here and I love listening to everybody already spokeand and I'm looking forward to listening to polly, to know if he's onhere, I I want to tell you a few things: I'm going to share some stuff with youand I don't mean to Piss anybody off. It just happens. Naturally, when I talkso I can't help it don't lat me, I feel obligated, I have to say causeI'm deal with alcoholic, so I know you all of sensitive that this is just myopinion. You understand it's just my opinion. Okay, although I'm absolutelyconvinced him right, but I have to say this is just my opinion. It's based onover forty years of recovery, my own personal experience in what I'vewatched them, people and I hope to God. It's scripturally correct that bysaying that I mean it's based on my readings from the big book fromcompendre material and some other material. That may be be conferences onapprove, but I know they have n't disapproved them for sure and here's adeal you guys are well most Yo adults, I suppose, but not as adult as analcohol, an De and and so you're going to make your own judgement you're goingto make it hey. Here's the great note this ain't, a dress for Ursel, wherejust going to get to the end of our lives, so we're going to say holy,should I should have done it that way. Why didn't I listen to that guy or I'mglad I get you're going to make your own judgement? Don't don't do somethingjust because I tell you to do what you think about think about a lot. I cantell you this everything I'm going to say is based upon line knowledge of theBig Book and based upon the experience that happened to me because many timeswhat happens is you don't really digest the Big Book and let set in the big butin what they mean to the big book? And so you personally experience thetroubles and the problems and the solutions and the victory that comesfrom giving your life to God that flows out of your own personal life. That'swhy they said. Let's let me let's suggest this during this short talk,I'm going to read you a few things for reason. I'll, TAK, you a second, let'ssuggest this in the short fall. Let's make believe that the big book iscorrect, just for laughs and gets. Let's make believe that the twelve andtwelve is correct in what they say. You know just just for this me, okay andand let's make leave that when they say half there is a value us nothing! That's true, not that you know I mean, I know whatwe think. We think well, half measures at least give you a fifty percent right,I'm not drinking. But let's say it's true that actually doesn't give youanything. Let's, let's say there really isn't anymiddle of the road solution. Let's say there is a let's say: that'strue. Let's say you either utterly utterly abandon yourself to God or you don't and there's no middle of the roadsolution. Let's say it gets to the point in yourlife, where you actually have to make a decision. Do you proclaim God and hisglory and what he s done in your life, either outside a or inside a a or d.You keep quiet because you're worried about what other people will thinkabout you. If you use the word God, let's say, there's no middle of theroad solution. Let's say Bill Wilson when he told whenhe told a bill dots and these words when Gilda Oxon said to Bill Wilson in our assumes nones number three. Iknew there was something more something I hadn't got some sort of release, somesort of some sort of incredible release of rocket ship drive that I was so red.He was so Verdad, something I didn't have something a person ought to have,and then I heard Bill Wilson said to my wife and we had a the Lord God has beenso wonderful to me. Turn me of this term of disease that I got to keeptalking about it and tell in death to other people, and I realized that whatBill Vilson had was. Is Such profound Conconino G in his mind that God wasdoing for him, but he couldn't do for anybody else, and he was convinced. Youknow that this was happening. That God was limited, is hard her mind in a waywhich is a deep Iracoson that he had to tell other people that he was convincedthat God was a centerpiece of his life that he was being rocky in the FortDimension that he has experienced much of heaven and that his great fact wasthis and nothing less than God exists. He is that the t, the Ateste anos tic,that that sort of thing it had to be abandoned. That God either is, iseverything or he's nothing and they had come down on the side of everything youunderstand and that in order to really really get this thing, not just the notdrinking thing, but to be rocking to the fourth dimension of distance, toget things that a person had that most Poplo had you had to abandon yourselfentirely to God, you had to be on a new basis, a new situation that git neverapologize for God, even in a meetings...

...where it was written all over the ballthat all men a fate that courage they trusted their God that you never apoise.For God that we even encourage church membership because we all go to churchand we go to Sinigang those places because one when provocantes contact itdie and we let him demonstrate in our lives, but he could be. Let's say theseguys. Let's say they were really certainstout the shit, I'm. What? If that's true? Well, that's a scary thing! Then I mean it's to be an interesting deal.Yet you sit around and you'll listen to the promises, and you say man I wish Icould lose far people and then you make sure when you're talking use wereHPOONGYI. Whatever word, you want to use to make sure youdon't use the word. God cause you may for somebody's feeling, because youworried, because you're actually more worried about other people's feelings and whether they'll roll your eyes inyou or look disparagingly you. Then you are about your relationship with God,because, as it says, in the twelve and twelve, even though you say you believein God you haven't really entirely uly turned your life over to God, becausejust like it says in Chapter Seven of the Felinae, it says you can even say you've,leaving God that believe barren that because she's not really a working partof your life having sefere life of one around him. Let's say that's true: Let's sit allthat stuff is trip that you really have to ultimately makea choice. Baby in the beginning of day, then theyen't make that much for ice. They so have a horite to make it to us. Soweren't any suggestions- I don't know, but you had to make that choice. If youreally going to get this thing and if you didn't make that choice somewherealong the line, you would get something, but you wouldn't get that they hadbecause you hadn't thoroughly turned your life, haven't thoroughly done whatthey did, and so maybe you'd stay sober for manyyears. But you'd live a life of quiet desperation. Maybe you stay so for many years, butthe world e clavers would just plowed out any happiness like that, maybe say so. For Ten years, thenyou're drink for twenty years, and then you break for thirty years and then youtreat, but eventually you would drink or drug or do some stupid, stuff orhurt people, because you never really done the whole thing to full on. You really try with a lot of alcohols,drive in middle of the world solution. What of all that is true? What if thiscomes down to more than just lip service, but actually doing more thanjust accepting God in your life or believe it in God, but proclaiming himbefore other people? You know you know, how would you, how would youfeel about somebody who told you to their face? They liked you and then you found out they rent otherplaces, saying that they laughed at you and they hated you. They didn't thinkyou that big deal. I think it's an interesting to ask Godto be remove relieve of the fear of other people's judgments and then hangout in this, rather in a room scared of other people's judgments,because you don't want to mention God. That's that's an interesting. You knowhere's my theory on just after ponty one years, you know almost what I fortyand a half years whatever it is. My theory is: Is that if you're not readyto tell the world what God has done for you, how incredible he is and talk aboutthat you shouldn't, because you worry about other people's judgments, youshould never ever ever expect have the fear of other people's judgment. ListenPony! It's just like a little Herie, but ofcourse this is all my opinion. I can be wrong about T, so I want to read it. Ioften what I usually do is I don't write down stuff. I never preparereally, but in this case I have some stuff I want to get to so I've writtenout a few things as cold things, I'm going to read and I'm gonna pay yousomething. There may be a connection here between everything I'm reading. Iknow they've told me I'm soposed to about nine and ten. You know I don'tlike being told what to do. I'm an alcoholic I'm going to try to by promise youeverything I read here. Everything Digest is somehow gonna have somethingto do with step. Ten and therefore step nine, be that is continuing to doeverything before that, and so it's going to have something to do with it. Maybe or I'm lying it doesn't matternobody's going to drink or have the time and of these prices. You shouldn'texpect that much anything okay. So I'm going to read a couple of things and Ido like you connect the dots, may you're going to hear what you're goingto gear anyway. You're not necessarily going to hear what I say: That's okay,I'm just here to try to care message. I even a power to guidea mess right. Youknow, I don't know if you're going to...

...hear I mean some of looking togetherserves that some people living together first that some people going to hearthe text that some people are going to errand. They at all they've alreadyturned me off. You know they go ethe kitchen. You got to pay the ship, so Idon't know it don't matter the matter. The point is that when I leave here, Idon't have to worry whether you drink or you don't think em with you like. I,you don't like me, because I'm not concerned about your judgment, I'mconcerned about how I am doing before my God and I can say I left nothing onthe table because it was all about you. Okay, so that's the deal and that's therocket ship in the fourth dimension. That's the new free actin freedom inthe new happy. So let me because I don't want to live a life of whitedesperation. You know I want the real deal. I hang around here for fortyyears that that that other crap you know like I-have a sign of my office, you from the movie of how good men the truth you canhandle the truth. You know- and I know I'm a still- an alcohol, because everyonce in a while one at a Blumber, I do a meeting a little doubt flows through my mind,just a second, but it's an alcoholic. It's an alcoholic thought. It's thereal alcoholism, it's not the drinking, it's not the drinking drinking, that'sbullshit! No! But everybody stops striking in a they stop for a week.They stopped for a month. They shot in Fengers they sop in twenty years.That's not that I was an alcoholic wabe pride ran for years before I drankevery every problem, every fear every difficulty, everything that I gothrough in the last forty years. I was through before the age of fifteen. Iwent through as a teenage. I went through before I drank and I went to aduring the drink and I went to an after the drink of the alcohol is a drinkinga symptom. You know the Horrigan is a symptom. The peanut people fleecers asin. I mean I got so many symptoms. You can imagine the real disease. Centersof my mind on my body, is about my entire personality. Sober. My problemis not altum as now drinking I drink, because I'm restless earful anddiscontent to a million other adjective type of book behind there. I'M RESTLESSDUBLIN IN CON discontent sober. My problem is sobriety. My problem is alack. I suffer from alcohol deficiency, Valium, deficients, drug deficients,woman deficiency, sex, defficient, money deficiency, Mazerai deficiency. Isuffer because I need something that I can't seem to find. So I can feel goodabout Hisen and I am convinced that I can find her out there in the world aclavers of the world. I suffer from something so much greater than just thedrinking problem. I probably run into two to threethousand people in a a all the time that have stopped drinking for ten years, fifteen years twentyyears, thirty years and drank again or the thousands of people that are in a aTatar that are so restless Erga discontent sober to every one person Irun into that has over thirty years and has been continuously sober, and I said,peace with himself and his pet and knows a true freedom in his apiece. This is not about the drink of that youknow. Ah, you got to get rid of drinking thing before you get here.This is about the live in life with the joy of living. This is this is aboutenthusiast enthusiasm of it God and making them the centerpiece of your life. I know whatthis is a stuff, so let me reach about three things and then I'm going to getto the meeting to tevis thing. So I'm going to read something that you knowthere's so many here. You know what the WHYAH, because every once in a whileand say what I do before I do a meeting there'll be ahundred people. I don't Tink, I think you convention it. Two sand, peopledoesn't matter a little voice comes in my mind. This is what the boy says itsays. Should I tell him the truth? What should I hedge my bet? Should I give them the meat and treat them like a dog? What should I give them baby? For me, no mean if I give them the meat some people are going to not like somepeople are going to hate some people going to say, and you knowone of my problems was. Is I'm a I'm a I'm a please love me a Alan, I'm aplease, don't reject me a Halley. I'm please, don't think badly of me. I holeso that peer pressure, that desire to be accepted by you and for people tosay how wonderful I am, and everything like that is so seductive to me a and it killed me all my life, all mylife. I did things you madee decisions...

...to try to get that deal and and the bottom line is you liveyour life trying to please everybody and be something else to everybody. Youdon't even know who you are. You can't be yourself, but at least I'm satisfied to say thatup until this moment in time, I always when I speak- try to give out the realdeal, knowing that it's go, O piss off some people, like you, know something.It's like my old sponsor said when I said you get resented, he said get him.I give some people need to be pissed off and angry at you before they getthe truth. Sometimes you got to be more concerned about telling people thetruth and saving their lives than your own personal motives. To havethem like you. Sometimes, in order sense, spade set save a sponsing. Yougot to tell him something he doesn't want to hear and sped O, instead of andrisking the possibility that I may walk away and Fri. Sometimes you just haveto do that. You know. Ah, it comes down to the fact as to whetheryou want to save lives and help people and telling the truth wor you just wantthem to like you and speak highly of you know, I mean that's what it reallycomes down to. You know alcoholics of the things you are Tan says it's notonly we subtone set with delusion. We can't separate the truth of the hallsor alcohol thinking and life exes, the Ole normal one. We do things to peoplethat hurt for harmful on the guys of well, we want to be nice and time whenit doesn't call to me Nicene appalls, to say the tough stuff. Sometimes soI'll tell you this, I can't tell you how many times I've learned val lessons.My sponsors that told me once you just shut up and listen who treated me poorly who's, told methings or was sarcastic me and totantis. I D want to hear I don't know manytimes. I walked out of the medicating, a sponsor or hating somebody who wasspeaking, and you know what it is. If you don't want to drink, if you don'twant to drink and you hate somebody, you got to give very that exact. Yougot to write down. I ar resent this guy, why you say this? Who just don't me andI write it down and then you pray for him, and then you put the list. Okayforget what he did. What did I do and ever like that? And then you talk tohis pons about him and a week Langy ou say: Oh Shit, that I was right and you'll learn something aboutyourself and then you got people come up to say. You know I used to hate younow. I love because you've taken the risk becauseyou're more concerned with telling them truth better. Not So let me read a couple ofthings to do real fast, okay, and this is from page e N N, sixty fivein the big ball and I've got. I got the surface on her Yoscow and then aserious drinker being dry at the moment. Now that a serious drinker of being dryat the moment, who are they talking about you know whothey're talking about now and that a serious thrink or being dry the momentbeen talking about you, the talk, I used to think that we'retalking about new card all they were talking about guys like inten days,Rahtore talking about you, a talk about me now and then a serious drinker beingdry at the moment says I don't miss it at all. I feel better. I work better on having a better time. Everything'swonderful hen sounds good to be right. This is what they say in the Boobo.This is the baffling stuff. As ex alcoholics we smile at such aSAUND. We know our friend is like a boylistening in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself inwardly evengive anything to take a half dozen drinks to get away with them. Then youwill presently try the old game again for years and happy about his surprit.He cannot picture life without alcohol some day. Who would be unable toimagine like you the wither without Altho, then he will know loneliness. IsYou do he will be at the jumping off place? You will wish for the now. Maybe you can explain to me how a guy who's an alcohol who's dry atthe moment, who's, not drinking, how we could say to his sponsor, Hey, I'mdoing great, I'm not worried at all. I feel better look better. Having abetter time. I don't even want to drink how you can date that and make theprediction that soon he'll try the old game again. That he's got a pro. How doyou make that prediction? It's almost impossible lacelle to make thatpedition I'll tell you. I understood that I understood that when I startedmeeting people in Aa that told me they were never going to drink again when I started people be getting peoplein a saying. Don't worry about me! I I went tod me yesterday. I need to begone. I don't worry about. I already...

...went to a main today when I started medeeming people a day they kept on telling me how fantastic they are, howgreat they're doing. Oh, you know, then they got to bring it out of control andevery single one of them drinking, and I started understanding that peoplethat have accepted the have accepted the first step and understood theiralases and understood also that not only are they powerless powerless, butwhatever power they can somehow get in their lives to help them live theirlives, how to come from their allegiance and their connection withGod never spoke like that. Never talk like I got it now on the control. They honestly believe that their lifewas UNAGA. They could not mage it. No human being can magic, only God couldhave and would be with thought and their entire life was devoted to God.They were never cocky about their surprise whenever they spoke somehow some waythey always into over the fact they were sober through the grace of God,and they either talked about God or God working through other people in theirlife. It was always part of their story. It was never I'm doing that Ar imfeeling better on the Havin a better time. They always understood what the storyloves with alcohol. You know I'm going to read somethingout of the twelve and I out of talk about the good old timers. I suggest,if you really want to see, what's going on here, you get this book it's aboutalcoholics and I was ritten between it's about a a bet: one thousand ninehundred and tirty five, one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine a startedin one thousand, nine hundred and thirty nine, the big thirty five. Thebig book was written, one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine you ready nowlisten. This is this is like post graduate a awas started in thirty five. The Big Book was written in onethousand nine hundred and thirty nine and in the big book that they wrote inOne thousand nine hundred and thirty nine. They said this rarely have we seen a person fail whohas thoroughly followed our half, which I believe, asa Word Smith, on the Lard. It means you do thoroughly what we did. You will get. What we got I mean. Hopefully I can get a a a andthey may for that, but in order to understand what they did prior to that time, when they wrotethat you actually have to read exactly what they were doing between onethousand nine hundred and thirty five in one thousand nine hundred and thirtynine, the devil can use my language he's in the details and what they did was the books thatthey found absolutely essential. That's not my words. That's in our topics routthe books that they found absolutely essential. That means essential, whichmeans essential means. I looked up in editional. It means essential unless you're an alcohol and then youcan figure out some other me essential means essential. Absolutely essentialmeans you're better! Well, do it! If you want what they have the Bush, theyfound essential, absolutely assensionis, Corinthens, thirteen sermon on theMount and the book of James. No I'm just saying I'm just saying: Don't getter me call up New York. Tell him not to publish this thing any more. I meanyou're in time it your own opinion just on to your own facts, and I can tellyou if you read, if you ever get to the phone, you actually start studying thebooks. They were reading and understand, the context of which they read at thebig book is going to go from black and life to technicality, because I all ofa sudden you're, going to discover words and meanings and means with thewords that you never even thought of in concepts. When you read you have to bethe Good Samaritan every day, and you say what is a good Arab have to do.It's not really an Arab, but what is a good Arab have to do with what I haveto be every day, you're going to read in the bocal what they were reading.What the Good Samaritan is, it would have men and when the good American menin terms of relationship with God, you're going to read some stuff- that'snot even in the big book, but they were reading it before they wrote it. You'regoing to read some wereld stuff you're going to read servant on the map,you're going to read the part at sermon on Mount that where it says, if youwant anything from God, you need to go with him. Without doubt, there could beno doubt as to man as doubt you're Goin, to read this in the Oven James, whichthey're reading will can expect to receive nothing. Nothing if you have doubt you're goingto find out about this middle of road you're, going to find out that in someErenow says, if you, if you want to go to Tegot, you want a better relationwith God and you want to improve your relationship with God, and you have aproblem with your neighbor and you did something wrong with your neighborbefore you come to God. You've better...

...fix up that problem with your neighborbecause he doesn't like talking to liars. He doesn't like t talk to liarsand Bullshit Artists and temperit. He wants ethe want. He wants to have arelationship with you, but what you want you to do is if you know you havea problem, you did some wrong. You fiss that thing first, so you're notsuffering from you're going to find out where this Ted step came from you'regoing to plan over the nine steps came from you're going to finding where allthese steps come from and then you're going to listen in your leadings topeople that want to put down God you're, going to listen to your meetings thatare basically people that are going to put down religion. I don't know, I'mnot schizophrenic enough, you don't listen. I know they told me once yousaid you know, since you got to split a personality, I said I wish I could getdown to do. I'd be okay, but I know you can have a split personality, may a youcan say of the ones that and you're sober and you believe in God, and ofthe other hand, you say the at religion react like religion is bullshit. I justdon't know how you do it and say: you're open minded and then you'retolerant. I don't know how you do it when you have a book where it says thatsober people lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. We begin tosee what they're right. I don't really know how you count yourself as beingemotionally sober, emotionally sober if you sitting there and acting likereligious people are stupid and that you're just so at such a higher planeas a matter act, I'm not wont Tell You not people say I'm spirit withoutreligious, like they're like the better than everybody else he just like in ahigher one. Let me tell you something the one thing I learned about my lifeafter forty years. I am anything but spiritual. I am a material mindedperson. You take me away from from focusing on God on Reading GoleMaterial, I'm hanging out with Doido, I'm doing all this stuff, I'm lookingat every woman's rest. You understand what I'm saying, I'm looking I'mthinking about romance. I'm thinking about finest. You may be spiritual. Youare probably at a higher plane, I'm one of these guys. I suffer from graveUMVOTI and mental dispar. I'm like Bill Wilson. Okay, these worldly cloud. I amnot a spiritual person. I've never earned any land on that abrace. Okay, Iam what I am is. I am a material person, a material man just like Bill Wilsonwas, and the only good I have in me now that there's anything you see me that'sdecet good has nothing to do with me is because you didn't know me before Istarted believing it done it has to do with God. It's because it's just likewhat do young said when he said to ron as you of the mind of a chronic alcohol.I've never been successful in that state of mind exist. Is there no hole?Yes, there is hope. It's since ancient times, it's a pedometer, it's a miraclehere and there once in a while. I talks about the profound personality change.The psychic, profound personality that only comes only comes around throughspiritual means through belief, and did you know that's that's what he's out.He said ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding forces of theseMES lives. GIME in force of these are push the one side and they becomedominated by a whole liset of ideas. Emotions on that tod, that's the realkicker, whether you went my futon say. Why do you think you do? Why do you saythe things you said? Why do you act? I ANY WAY SOBER! That's a that's just myfirse, your personalities filling well, that's great, and I just stopdrinking. How do you stack the personality? So, let's go to? You knowthis book that they were talking about how they did twelve steps. How did theytwelve step people? How do they talk of me? What do they do? Be t one thousandnine hundred and Tirty five years Doctor Bob Twelve Stephen Clarence, theBrod re master in Akron, Ohio, it's in the book. It said why you need to justread this whole book and Sit. I just want to read this one part dockside nowclarence is like thirty five years old he's in the hospital he hostwise presenalcoholism, he's on his death bed. He case like a hundred and thirty fivepounds he's got nothing and he dor and Clarence's wife bag stock, the Bob togo, see him. So Dr Bob goes and sees Clarence, and this is the conversationthis is on page one hundred and forty three of Doctor Bob, the good old timedost came in later and took o. He sat on the edge of my bed. Well, what doyou think about this? He paused and looked at me doubtfully. I don't knowif you're ready, I don't know if you're ready, I you'rekind of young Clarence says I was down to a hundred a D. thirty five pounds:No job, no clothes, no money. I didn't know how much more ready I could beclarence. We call flare still I had to convince them. I was ready. You getthat I had to convince them. I was ready. We run all over the place,begging people not to drink bigging people not to do the to do the portstep, begging people to come a DA, a you know they did back. Then you had a convinced value. You theywouldn't allow to go to be the Qustor that an ned, the first Atrin Fono. Youhad a convinced them. You were ready.

So then here's what here's the firstquestion. Dorada there's the first question he asked. Then he asked do youbelieve in God, Young Fellow? I love all those guys that say youmight scare something where you going to scare him to Benemereti away. Whereare you going to scare him to where it going? I on the going out to the bottle,they'll be back in, don't worry about it. You'll be back in an they'll die Imean. Don't worry about alcohol time were about is common dirt. You know wewere the one will listen. We survive we're the ones that get into a hang oncrash with a bar kill a family of four and we walk away with bruises. You knowwhat I mean after the thumbend nuclear blast after the world comes to it a theonly two things that will be left for cockroaches and alcoholics. Don't worryabout us, you know, I mean we're survivors, okay, where they going to go.If they get this Teton they're going to run out the door, get arrested, go tojail, crawl back in again come on, then he asked do you believein God, young fellow, he always called the young fellow and called me clouds.I knew I was in trouble, so this is what Clarence says ready listen. Thisis not my opinion, I'm reading from our, but it says it says this is what hesays is what I says you believe in God want call it. This is what Clarencesays: What does that have to do with it? What does that have to do with it? Thisis what Doctor Bob says: Everything everything I want you smart eyes tolook up the word, everything in the dictionary and webster, because sometimes one of the thingsI've learned that about out. My first line said to me: If you come throw onwhat I was sober as I am right now, I was a division chief of the statesturneys office before I left my house with this beautiful life. In mybeautiful house, and everything like that, she said to me, she looked at mesaid I want you to know if you come home drunk one more time on leaving youtwelve words as clear as clear to me. If you come on drunk more time, I'mleaving you I drove away from there. I got to the first light and this is whatI said to myself. What the Hell did she name by that? You know unless en to an alcoholic,septs alphosine all is consequences, sobriety be precarious and to have thisso funded at all one of the consequences of be an alcoholic, theirconsequence being alcohol, because when ef you hear something you don't like orhere's somebody telling you something you don't like it confuses you and youhate them and that's what you have to understand.You have to stand as clear as the big book is with clear, cut directions:Alcoholis, don't even understand what they're reading they don't evenunderstand what they're being invited to it says. What does that have to dowith it everything he said. I guess I do guess nothing o you do you? Don'tyes, I do that's fine dor Bob Reply. Now we're getting somewhere all right,get out of your bed and get on the knees we're going to pray. I don't knowhow to pray. I guess you don't that's all right, just follow what I say andthat will do for now. I did what I was ordered to do cloud said there were nosuggestions, then were no suggestions. Doctora was always positive, thout hisfaith. Clarence said: If someone asked him a question about the program is:Usually response was well. What does it say in the good but suppose he wasasked. What's all this first things first doctor Bob to be ready with anappropriate, a potation ct first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness,and all things will be added unto you did. You know that's what where firstthings first came from. You want to learn this stuff you on, to learn whatyou're actually getting involved it. But this thing was all about. You knowif you want to be rocked in the Fort Dimension Existence. Okay, so here we go. Let me tell you a lot about my disease.I made a list and it's not an all inclusive list, but I may be because Iwant to get through it than as we only have a few about fifteen more minutes.Sixty more minutes, you know, and so I want to get through this pass. Sohere's a list of my disease, probably not your disease. I have a pretty baddeal of it. You know, and you know, because this is a lot about the sixthand the cells, the know. What is this it? What do they say to the say stuff?It's the step that separates the metal. Did you know that in a a there's, aseparation between men and boys between whom didyou know, did you listen? I'm swear, I'm not kidding this. I know. I knowyou think everybody gets the promises everybody gets rocked in the fourth Ometon existence. Everybody gets the new freedom and that I know that's what youthink. But did you know an a there's? A separation between in the six step is with it. Doyou know what the definition of the of the men are or the women the men are.Those who are repeatedly trying- or I guess the people now the people arethose who are repeatedly trying to grow in the image and likeness of theircreator. Your entire life is focused on...

...growing in the image unlikeness of God.They think about God, all the time they worship, God they sing about God. Therewas the song that they do whatever they can to put themselves in. A positionare looking the people that are talking about God, think about God, knowingthat they want more God, not more sex, not more money, not more cars, but moreGod, that's the definition. So the thing that separates the menfrom the boys and the women from the girls are the people. That honestly,are true, believe is a believe in God, and the other people that are nevergoing to go there and all they're Goin t do is laugh atthem and say that's not my deal, you understand and think of ways to tryto ward it out the program and they believe they're doing it. They believe they're doing it suchbecause it sounds like they're doing it, but they really don't believe it. It's a form of AA without power, andit's been around for years. It's a form of a without power. It'll keep you sofor a while. You may be relatively happy just like it says. In the sixstep, you settle, you settle for being fairly okay, but in the long run youknow you're not to be rocking, but you're not going to get the promisesthat ain't going to happen to you, sweetie ain't going to happen, so letme say about mine, is it's good. Is The deal number one? I was a pictur. I was a rector number two. I M. I was neverappreciated number three. I was still with selfpity self, setting his self involved in I'm always saying. Why is this alwayshappening to me? Number four delusions of grandeur andrevenge. I'll show you you don't know who you're screwing with you'll. BeSorry, you have no idea what you're dealing. I was the bravest man in the world and Iwas a coward at the same time. I was scared of people in the judgment, yet Iconstantly told myself, I think, Youve a ship. What other people thought about.I never met anybody who could honestly understand me because I was sodifferent than you be. I was smarter. I was more sensitive than anybody. Inever saw anybody who loved like they ain't in in justice as much as I hateden other. No one ever looked as sensitive. Nobodyever looked on the outside of sense of, as I felt on means I create romance. Icrave sex. I craved detention. I created acceptance. I could not handlea rejection in any form from any person. I hate not know what was going tohappen to me and not having control. I hated those who didn't didn't like me,who I want didn't like me, but didn't agree with me. I always had a lininargument. Have the last word thought most people were stupid? I was incredibly great except what Ithought. I was a piece of Fran and here's an and unworthy, and he is theamazing thing- is an alcoholic. I'm able to think I'm great and a piece ofcraft that deserves to kill myself. At the same time. I don't know how you doall both thoughts at the same time, but I am a man who thinks I'm better thaneverybody and I want way and say I want to kill myself because I'm such a JesusPrat, I have a be building it. It's just some sort of weird at offbrilliance that I have I'm an if Olier, I'm a yes butter, I'ma you, don't understand her. I wake up every morning say if I only have thatwoman, if I only had that car, if I only had that job, my life is alwayssomething that's going to happen as soon as I get this and then I would getthat and everything as a half life of two weeks or six months, I get thatgown. I marry her. I love her I'm great for a year and then I look it for thenext Gal and I'm saying and I'm telling myselflies, I'm a liar. You know she doesn't understand me. Whatever it dies, I'm a needy guy. I need more ofeverything I'm never satisfied, I'm always complaining about life andpeople and Gossiping and talking badly about others be under that I'm alwaysblaming people. I'm obsessing, I obsessively taught to me about me andmy situation in other people. You know I m the only person I evertalked to honestly in this world and it's not really honest is me. I lovetalking to me about me whenever I, whenever I talk or think about anythingor talk about anything in my mind, I always talk to myself and they're, always bad shit aboutmyself and other people. I can tell you that's never good stuff and here's the real wolf thing and Iwalk around like that, and I don't even think I have a problem because thatsort of life and that sort of thinking is natural to me, it's the my alcoholiclife seems thee only normal ones, O it.

My Spiritual Acium, is whatever I'mdisturbed, no matter what the cause there's something wrong with you. Imean it's so clear to me I mean you can argue me otherwise and I'll tell youwhat never criticized me. Never try to call me never try to tell me what youthink, because I don't need your evotomys. I don't want to. I don't wantto hear it and it's never my thought and next the way I was until I had myfirst drink and that's the way that wasn'tsomething that alcohol did to me. That's the way I was before I had myfirst drink and I had my first break and it all went away. It all went away. I define anybody todrink alcohol have to do for them. What it did for me, you're not going to stopyou ain't going to do it. No woman no card, no matter money, no clothes, no,no, nothing everywhere, quite as well, quite as fast as just a few drinks.Although I had come to learn that after the drinking was gone, you know thewomen, the car, all that other stuff work too, but maybe not as quickly. Ispent more money I didn't have by pro. I didn't need to crush people I didn'tlike and make myself you feel better than become. I can possibly imagine andthe black the carbal thing is when you need a new s class Mercedes to feelgood about yourself as soon as it gets old. You feel bad e at yourself or assoon as you lose. It can feel bad at that. So, even if you can't, if youcan't keep up with the pace and if having a woman are having a sess makes,you feel good about yourself as soon as you don't have her. You want to killyourself and if having a job makes, you feel good about yourself, then you're,absolutely skinned, shitless, your entire life of losing the job or thedon't like any with the job. There's nothing in this world that I could getit makes me feel good forever and doesn't come and doesn't have fear tolong with it. I have I got hangovers cause of women hang outis because of money. Hang on bill overs. Let me take some. I have moneydeficiency on an deficiency, ses efficiency card efficiency, alcoholdeficiency value efficiency. I mean there's nothing in this earth that Ican't do anything in you. Man I'll tell you every time I use anything. I useany time. I used the alcohol to help me to do something. I can never do thesame thing again without the alm. If I needed alcohol to talk to a girl,I couldn't talk to a girl without the a e o hold that ses can of sex withoutthe an you a cold to you, I mean every time I use alcoholic the drugs orsomething to be able to do something. I was thrown away part in my life and that's just the small hat. ListenI'm just man not! I am you know what I learnedabout guess what I learned somewhere around twenty years over that I wasinsane. You know that second step that says,God will restore you to Saturday. You know what I figured out after twentyyears and I have pretty good sobriety. I think, as things go, when I was doingall stuff, I figured out that the only way you could be restored to sanity isyou have to be insane first, so I spent the first I said spent. Let me see, I would say Ispent least ten to fifteen years in a a doing the whole Deo all the service andto grin back and trar two years. You know on the real late freight yoursponsoring people talking O, I would say I spent at least ten to fifteenyears sober and a a repeated humiliations and crushing of my selfproficiency and talking to sponsors who are not kind to me. I spent the firstten or fifteen years learning what alcoholism actually was and what itlooked like in my life. I had no idea what the cage really was.I thought the case was breaking. They spoke so much about alcoholism and thebook says the Book says: Riggar, you can't see it. The Hook says you can seethem o. It says alcoholics anonymous. It says it in the title. They talk somuch about alcoholism. They talk so much about don't drink them unless you,even if they ask, falls up think about ships for Alcolisati. How don't even Ithought this was about alcohol is. I thought it was back alcohol. It took mea dik ten fifteen years to realize what alcoholism really look like what this cage was. Iwas I was involved in that I was a bondage to and years and years and years and yearsand years of going through humiliation and all that sort of stuff. Until Ifinally somewhere around twenty years, that doesn't mean it's going to takeyou twenty years. I know it says you have to go for alifetime, but you guys will probably...

...got to find Netta. You know my problemwas, as I thought I was smart. I thought I was intelligent when youthink you're intelligent, it's a real, it's a real problem, because there's abig difference between intelligence and wisdom, sometimes wisdom. You know there's areason why they say we learn the value you know in the big book about as anhonest I you know it says that we learned the value of suffering. You know it says that that we learnedthe value of something that this value. Did you know that in the book of James,which was the book with Estactic, says rejoice when you have trials of manykinds, because when you enjoy the trial- and you consistently turn towards Godand you consistently, it makes your faith rot until you finally get at thepoint, maybe when you're twenty years sober that you've actually not a you,stop turning your life over to God and you actually start living a turned overlike you saw waking up in the morning.Thinking about God, you go to sleep thinking about God: Hey! Listen! ThankGod! Thank you, God that I happened by time. I'm seventy two, because I'm ashort time. I don't have that much longer to go everybody. Why hear aboutto and that fine is younger than me. Ninety per cent of them you know I canbe. I could be gone five years now, ten years now, an hour from it. Thank God Igot to the thank God. You know not a moment too soon. You know some aroundtwo thousand and twenty five years. I didn't get doing this stuff. So muchand came, I guess, open minded, not through pain. I learned the value ofsuffering that I started hanging around people that were talking about God. Igot sponsors that were focused on God. I started going to Bible Site for tenyears that number month in ten years go to the same one for thirty years andjust read all the books they were reading where. Finally, I got to thepony, where not only was I focused on God and an absolutely convinced that eworse of my life- and I am talking about that aronce- you know every timeI proclaimed God in a me like this. You know what I'm doing, I'm proclaimingthem to myself. I'm telling me he exists, you know, and the bottom lineis right around the time. I started complaining God and think about God andstop worrying about all these guys are rolling their eyes that living lines of client desperation.That's about the time I lost Faro, your judgment, that's about a time I was are yourjudgment. You know what it's like to live in a world without withoutworrying about what other people think about on. Possibly in that you can't, I wish I could take my brainfor about a minute two minutes. Five minutes, just planting your brain. Ifyou're one of these people don't worry about what you're going to say it in aa you know. What are people going to think of you and I wish I could plantmy brain, your praying for about two minutes and take it out. Well, I guess I have five minutes, butI well yeah for minutes sor. I don't know well in an t about nine well got aboutnine minutes to go Russley you're, doing good nine minutes, so so I'd love to take it. I went to ame. I should tell you I like say one a story, because I think I think ourstores do disclosed in a very important way we used to wehave when I think you got to put, I remember, being brought to an a men.One of a Simon, sober, the guy speaking was out. Kennedy still remember him, the some people. Istill remember, I remember I'll, never forget, and he was I got about thirty five thirty six years and he wasspeaking. He was an incredible speaker. I was sitting in the front row with mysponsor Bob Solomon and and after he was just lifting up peopleand love it on Beka, talking about down and all that sort of stuff talking about his life and what wasgoing on and when he was done. He was one of these guys that you know you onme. Anybody a that, a soison how it says if you want me Y, have there's astep before the steps. Isn't there says if you want what we have and you'rewilling to go to a link to get, then your ready, Picterin steps. He was oneof these guys on water wadded. He was one of these guys that I was attractiveprogram R. I was attracted to what he had. I didn't even know what he had. Hewas a real man, but he wasn't like Arab. You know he was a he was, he was kindand he was soft and gentle with people, but he wasn't. I don't know how explainhe wasn't over one. He was he was you know when you were in his presence. Youfelt better for having been there, you know and I and he was an alcoholic. Iknew he was like me, but he he was like me blue, but he was not like me. It waslike I play golf and Tiger Woods Plays Golf we're playing a different game.You know I mean he was sober, but he wasn't sober like me. He was so ver,like you know like that. I build doctor was lo going to go losin and I turnedto my sponsor, and I said to my sponsor: Where does he hang out? I want to hangout with this dye. You know what group is he and my sponsor said this, that yeI'll never forget this is this is one...

...years ago I was still myself, he saidhe's dying, I mean this. Is You got you got to understand my sponsor understandhim. You sell it o crazy stuff. To me one time I took my off, I shot someshowed him all my degrees on the wall. I have like twenty degrees from a loneplace and tested, in fact a an educated, probably on my capacity to understandanything. I had only these weeks. I said I said Bob. These are my degreesand he said well, you know where US reclamas have a reason. You know theydo it, though so that's kind of sponsor I have, but an en. I said I love tohang around with this guy. What group is he in H, didnt, give me an answer.He said well, you know he's dying and I said no, I'm talking about the God.Just I mean that I all candy. What good does it do? Do he says well die. I saidwhat I said: You're not listening to me. I said what group does he go to? Hesays Rustle he's dying of cancer. Hes got six months to live. I said what are you talking about? Imean guy. Just did a May. I just started doing it didn't say anythingabout dying. I said I know I didn't say anything about it. I'm telling he's gotsix months to live. You know an he goes out every once in a while he's got sixmonths to live. You know he's not really that strong and I said, but hedidn't say I said I know I said, he's dying on this and six months later hewas thad in my my conception, my vision of whata a Alf my vision of what Sobrie completely changed from not drinking tohaving what out Kennedy I wanted to have without him. I wantedto have out and surprise and that's what I've been doing forlast, what years I've been hanging around with it that that that he feltthat kind of sure that show illustrate that type of survive. I don't tell you, there's nothing wrongwith good drunk along got to do drunk a log an put in on to my head. I can doit, but I want to talk about the man that are overcoming this world. I want to talk about those guys. It hasthe end o the world an not over that in this world. You'll haveproblems but be a good share. You can open them. I want to talk about the menthat are going through shit and I and they just low, live in life with a setdignity and a way of living life where they're, helping people and just like it says at the big bookabove everything, we must get rid the selfishness we must or kills us Godmakes that possible once to make a a sincere desire for God to give useverything we need to. We stay close to him and perform as work well andbecause I'm an alcoholics anonymous and I'm interested in being close to him. Iknow what his work is for me and it's not even working as an incrediblepleasure pleasure to be a servant to God and part of that pleasures to be dowith you and talk about my God look. The word is done for me in my life. Sothank you very much goblet! That's what I have to say.

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