AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 130 · 2 months ago

Russell S. Talk 5 Bal Harbour Group 9/21/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Talk 5 - Russell S. at the Bal Harbour Group, Boulevard Club, North Miami FL step series started August 2022.

My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcohol and it is a privilege to be here with you guys, half my guys. I haven't found necessary to have a drinking, or have I had a drink since uh, you gotta have you gotta add that thing. Nor have I had a drink because, you know, the guy in Texas said I haven't found nests to have a drink in forty years and his funny said, I saw you your ship faced last night. He says, yeah, but it wasn't necessary. But I haven't. I haven't found drinking. Nor have I had a drink since Daniel to my fifth nineteen eighty one. So I'm like forty seven years of sobriety. I came here when I was thirty one and I'm seventy three years old now and I've raised sober four children and eight grandchildren. And my sponsor said don't do any major things during your first year. So when I was three months ober I got married and think it was a big deal I made. I may have made a mistake there. It's right, man, it's two right now, because so I've been married for forty one years and self supporting through my own contributions most of the time and and it's great to hear. And I'm just gonna tell you a little bit about my experience. Strength to hope. Now, I used to do I've been doing steps series. Uh Uh, and I'm I'm a I'm a lawyer by trade. And Uh so, I'm a I'm a paid bullshit artist. I do this for a living. But so I've been doing this sort of like stuff for ever since I was about six or seven years ober and, Um, I've had the privilege of speaking around in different places and and doing these steps series. And when I used to do them, I mean most of you guys know what I'm talking about. Those are heard me of seeing me before. I used to actually stick to the steps, step one, two, three, four. You know, I have ten books and all bookmarked and everything. We go through a whole you know, like it was a college course or something. This is how you do the Ford Step. And you know I've been anybody knows me knows I'm intensely you know, is like a giant toolbox, is a wrench to fit every nut that walks through the door and we all go through phases and it's like a great symphony there are incredible guys that are good at drunk a logs, and I used to do a lot of drunk a lot. You know, because you're five, eight, nine years sober, all you got is a drunk a log, a great drunk a log, then a few years of talking about how crazy you are, because the first ten years is is basically you're discovering how the real nature of the disease, because the disease is not the drinking. You know, look, all I'm saying, I'm giving you my opinion based upon my life, based on my experience in the program and based upon my reading of the literature, which I'm into, uh, and the literature itself. I say something you can pretty much assume, but you're not to assume, you can look for yourself, that it's in the literature. Drinking alcohol is but a symptom of our disease. Our real disease centers in our minds, not our body. I was an alcohol before I started drinking, during the drinking and after the drinking. I drank alcohol because no woman, no car, no matter, no matter money, no nothing in this world that I lusted after worked quite as well or quite as fast as just a few drinks and if it worked for me today the way it worked for me when I was seventeen and eighteen years old, I'd still be drinking it. But alcohol stopped working for me. And the real sad part about my life is it stopped working for me about ten years before I realized it was not working for me and I heard a lot of people and I hurt myself. So I don't drink it anymore. But once you stop drinking the alcohol, then you get to see what this disease is really all about. As it says in the book, by repeated humiliations over a period of time you get a new perspective, repeating humulations of the final question of our self sufficiencies. There are more than one first step in this deal. There's more than one surrender if you're gonna do it right, and you may wind up like I wound up, like the also wound up in twenty three years. Took him twenty three years and then he wrote about emotional surpride. Me Ten years. You get to that point, that invisible deal, where you're sober, you're doing everything you're supposed to do an a and you're not happy and you're doing it by the numbers, like serving jail time. How you're doing? I'm hanging in there. That sounds like rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. You know, and and somewhere along the line, you know, hope and those people that you hear of all the time that stopped going to meetings, start drinking, stop continuing, stop doing that, don't have the glue. The Glue, the cement they talk about right before the sixth step, so they have a solid foundation. Those people they drink after fifteen years. They're not drinking because they crave alcohol. Craving of alcohol. Happens with the first step, when you're sober, pertaking. He said. Well, that guy, obviously I was anten the first step really really a guy sober for twenty years drinks? He hasn't taken the first...

...step. I don't think so. I wish that was the truth. I wish I could say you take the first step and you'll never drink again. You know what I mean? That ain't the deal, because there's there. They're the first step is about becoming really realizing your palace over alcohol and your life is unmanageable. When you realize your palace over sets and lust and cars and women and men and people, when you realize that you really have to abandon yourself to God, and they were serious, when you realize God is everything or is nothing, when you realize that if you really want to get rid of the selfishness, we must or it kills us. God makes that possible. You have to not only give your life over, like in the third steps, which is the mere beginning in our spiritual kindergarten, but, as they say in the big book, once you sincerely decide to take this deal, that happens around the sixth step. If you're actually doing the sixth step, once you sincerely try to do this deal, that means you are what that means is God will give you everything you need and things will become remarkable. He'll give you everything you need you stay close to him, and performers works well. If you're gonna stay close to him, you better have a real solid idea of who he is and what he is, not one of these sort of flimsy ideas, because sometimes, I can tell you this, if you don't know who god is and understand who he is and what he wants you to be and what he has in store for you, and what his work is. Then when you're talking to God, you may actually be talking to yourself. You may actually be talking to your remember it. Sometimes my understanding of who God is is really the God who tells me things I want to hear. You know what I mean, and the next thing you know you're you're doing what they say. First of all, we had to quit playing God. Well, how does a guy with ten years or twenty years play God? Is it possible? Is it possible to be a naming and hold hands and say the Lord's prayer and say this erenny prayer and even say that you believe in God? Is impossible to be doing that and actually be playing God and not really making God the centerpiece of Your Life? Because they say we could be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, we're experiencing much of heaven and we will know peace. And they say the great fact is this, and nothing less than this, that God has become the centerpiece of our life, that we're convinced that he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is indeed miraculous, doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. That's not me, that's not my opinion. That's our text book and I can tell you the founders were really into the God thing. There's a reason why they said we encourage church membership. Most of US belong to those churches. You may not like me saying it, but you have to tell them to take it out of the big book. And they said it because that's what they all did, except for one or two guys. That's what Bill Wilson did with Sam Shoemaker and ED dowling. That's what Dr Bob did. Dr Bob said to Clarence the broom master, when he first encountered him in the hospital. He said, Clarence, the first question, what do you think about God? Clarence says, what does that have to do with it? and Dr Bob said everything, everything. And as you go along you find out that you know they're not drinking. Thing can come really fast and really happen. For maybe a while you can be not drinking, but the people that drink after long term sobriety, they're drinking because they haven't handled the actual alcoholism. And you may, you may spend ten, twenty years trying to understand what the consequences of alcoholics are. Unless en until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences. Is Sobriety. Be Precarious and have true happiness. Will find none at all. How would you like that? Unhappy Sobriety? They talk about it in the big book. They say here and there, once in a while a former drinker says feel better, look better, I'm having a better time. We laugh at that kind of crap. We know he'll try the old game again because he's not happy with this idea soon. No, no, loneliness is if you do, I'll tell you with loneliness is if you do. If you do, do it. Loneliness if you do, because when you've been sober five or ten years and you're unhappy and you start drinking again, and then what are you gonna do? You've tried a and it hasn't worked for you, which you've never really done a a. you've just joined the not drinking club. You didn't join the rocket in the Fourth Dimension Club. You didn't do you didn't. You didn't join the club that's separated out from there, not training the club. Nothing wrong with the not draining club. I was in it for many years, you know. I was in it for five, six seven, eight years. They're not drinking club, you know, don't drink, even if you ask, falls off. Don't drink and go to meetings, you know, them dallions, the whole bit, and the parties. I was in the not drinking club. Nothing wrong with that, you know, it's like it's a it's a spiritual kindergarten. But then there comes along something called the six step where you've got to stop fooling around, stop being a Dilettante, you know, not be one of the spectators. We gotta be down on the field, fifty people as spectators. This like eighteen guys...

...on the field. You know, you gotta do the real thing, and that's when you have to start being coming, entirely ready to have God remove all these defective characters so you can be closer than now. Okay, Oh, outside, yeah, I have that. I have that problem. I start speaking, that dogs starts coming. I don't know, no, but that's what that's what happens. The bottom line is is that you start getting serious about this field. You know, you start getting serious and you stop with a not drinking, going to means and all that stuff, and you start getting becoming entirely ready and the book alcoholics anonymous defines that and the twelve and twelve defines being entirely ready. You know what the entirely ready means? According to the book? This is the book's definition. It says the man and women who was entirely ready, that this is the one that separates the men for the boys. This is the men and this is the women, not the girls and the boys. The people that are entirely ready are those who are trying these things repeatedly so they can grow in the image and likeness of their creator. And you know who isn't entirely ready? The people that don't like people talking about God, the people that roll their eyes when people talk about God, the people that say, well, if they talk about God where I came from, when I came in, I wouldn't be here. You want to know some time, you wouldn't have been here because between N and nineteen thirty nine, unless you got on your knees and professed that you were going to turn everything over to God, they wouldn't let you in the meeting. Read Dr Bob, and you definitely would not have been here. You know, because they were serious. And the bottom line is, you may think that sort of attitude is intolerant. And now we're kinder and we're easier. You're softer, but I can only tell you based upon my experience it's not. I'm not the guy who's longest time, but forty years, forty one year and saying it's all time. I can tell you my experience that fellowship and that separation still exists. Maybe one half of one percent of people to come into a a stay sober for more than twenty years and maybe, maybe not many after that have contented sobriety have been rocking on. Not many at after that have lost all. Fewer people in an economic and security you know there's a big gap. You look at the meetings. Sometimes the he's been around for like ninety years. If everybody stayed sober in a and and was serious about this program and like Bill Wilson was serious, Bill Bill, this is how Bill Wilson was serious. They asked Still Wilson, what do you think about people that a sober and don't go to meets? He said I had no use for him because they have no gratitude. How could somebody WHO's sober and has lost all selfishness not stick around and try to help other people and go off and say I'm off to the races. You know, he's been around ninety years. If everybody stayed sober, this room should be packed with guys with thirty, forty, forty, fifty years. Maybe you'll have one guy in here, two guys in there with forty years, a couple of people with thirty years. And there's this huge gap between over thirty and twenty years where everybody sort of disappears. I've been around it. Everybody disappears. They saw to say things, well, I've been around for thirty years, I've been at a round day for twenty years. Well, I was sober for fifteen years, but now I'm back again. I got six months and stuff like that. How does that happen? Because the cements not there, the blue is not there. They talked about right before the sixth step, where we check the mortar whether it's built with sand or whether it's built with cement, and it's solid. The foundation is solid. The arch to which we walked through for freedom is solid. These steps are tools that I do remember. Remember the movie. What is in the movie karate kid? He says wax on, the latch off wax sign. These steps are like wax on, wax off. You do them over and over. You're turning your life over and over and over and to God. You're you're you're praying to God, you're doing him over and over and over. You fake it until you make it, maybe, which I did, but eventually you're actually supposed to make it. You really are supposed to make it at some point. And once you make it and you're doing it over and over again, try doing it over and over. Try hanging around with the guys that I hung around by the time I had ten or fifteen years, because I wanted more, where you go out to dinner with him, you know what I mean, and you go out to dinner with him, before you start eating, he says, what are you doing? They said, well, I'm I'm eating, we're in the denny's, I mean. He Says No, no, we have to give his thanks first. You're tying that we got to pray about it. Sit Down with at a table of guys with fifty and sixty years and all of a sudden they you bow their head and they start praying for like five minutes and you're looking around to see what everybody's whether people are looking at yet, at in Denny's or wherever you're eating. And you know why you're worried about what people what people are looking at yet, because you still have that fear of what other people think about you and you know the other people thinking. By the way, I wish...

I could do that. I wish I could leave like that instead of living this crumby life for these crumby people, in this crumby situation. I wish I could have faith like that, faith that works in tough situations, even when you have cancer or whatever. And I'm sitting around looking I'm worried because I'm worried about what some clown is thinking about me at an a meeting who isn't even paying my visa bill. You know what I mean, because I am so caught up and worried about myself because I had that one consequences, you know, that consequence of being in alcohol, and that is that incredible feeling of being unworthy to even being alive and knowing that if everybody knew me the way I knew me, they think I was a piece of ship, because I know I'm a piece of ship, even though I'm sober, because I tell myself that all the time. I'm in the shower, I'm driving to my car and all of a sudden I hear this voice or an ass all you how to kill yourself. It comes out of nowhere. I look around. Who the hell is tell me that I'm the only one in the car. I'm a loser, I'm an Asshole, I'm a work I'm an idiot, I'm a piece of crap. I want to kill myself. Where's that voice coming from? You know what that voice is. That's that's the real committee. That's not the committee that you're talking about in your reign with the ten thousand voice, the same Ben ship about yourself and other people that everybody has. Don't worry about that committee because you're invited to the meetings. The real committee is the the the executive committee that throws that ship up and tells you're a piece of ship. That's the committee. That's the committee, that's the that's who you actually think you are, not the bullshit you put up front. Not to spending money. You don't have to buy ship. You don't need to impress people you don't like, not the name droppers, not the big shot that's the real you want to know who you really are. You you want to listen to what you think about yourself and what you say about yourself to yourself all the time. That's who you really are. I'm a loser, I'm an Asshole, I don't deserve to lift. I'll never be able to get this. Just listen to yourself. Then you'll know who you really are, not the bullshit you put in front of other people. Then you'll know why you can't share openly at a means, why you can't talk, why you can't even be yourself. And I want to say something. If you could be yourself, you'd be incredible, because you don't know how incredibly wonderful you are, because he only made one of you. You know want you wanted something. I used to have people hate me. They don't even hate me, they just hate who I pretended to be. I run and he said no, no, I know you think I'm this, but I'm really that. You know what I mean. You know, at least I have people that hate me. They don't want my personality. That's okay, but at least they hate me. They're hating me. But you wanted some of my friends who like me, who loved me, you wanted something. They love me. They don't love the guy that I'm trying to make believe I him, because nobody does me better than me. You know, I'm just telling you, Um ain't nobody could do me like me. You know, God means me to be me and I'm about following him his will. It's all gonna be wonderful. I'm Gona lose that fear of economic and security. I mean, what kind of pride you want? You want to sobriety of faith and hope. You want to sobriety of fear. You know, I mean that's that's the deal. That's what this thing is all about. So I'm drowning online and I'm not even getting to the point where. So listen. So the point is, people ask what I do with steps. I'm living the steps, and I'm not saying this just to be gliber anything that you do this thing for thirty or forty years over and over again. You don't saying, I used to hold that was step three. Oh, I just do a step four. I just I wake up thinking about God. I don't know what six am even thinking about God at Seven Day. Mean think about God at twelve way o'clock, meeting with people that where they're talking about God. You know something God says. You know what it says. It says, well, we won't hang around you with this big book. He says we cannot be sure. God will determine that. So your real reliance has to be on him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you create. You know what the fellowship I create, the fellowship of Believers. Do you want to know something? I'Ma tell you a little the story. There is a fellowship of believers and hey, there are people that get together. I get together and all the time, twelve o'clock, I'm with like ten and twenty men. All we're doing is talking about God. You know why they joined churches back then? Why? Bill Wilson said we encourage church, we encourage church membership. Imagine as the founders saying, we encourage you to join religious organizations. So you've got two attitudes. You're you're gonna thoroughly do the things they do, even the extra credit, because you're either gonna do the extra. Let me tell you something. To get the things that most people and they will never have, you gotta be prepared to do the ship that most people will never do. So you can either say, I know they're just saying it's optional, but if they didn't, I'm gonna do it. They're encouraging it in the book. The reason they have in the books because that's what they did, or you're gonna say, well, I know the founders are encouraging it, but now pass. I'll pass because you're a defiant, arrogant alcoholic who doesn't know how to follow directions and hasn't that surrendered? And let me tell you something. I'll tell you something. Nobody gets away with anything around here. Where's my coffee? Okay, the way, nobody gets away with anything around this deal.

So the bottom line is is that I woke up one day. You have to go in the Bible study just some guy told me. You gotta go to Bibble Start and start reading the source of material, because the Dr about the goodle Times said they said the books say found absolutely essential, the first Corinthians, thirteen sermonar amount and the book of James. So that's what I did. You don't have to do it. You do whatever you want to do. You know, and he's good to order. The direction good enough for you. You know, you just figure out what your order, the direction is. Do the next right thing. You just do that deal. You know what I mean. You're so good at it. You know I mean, you'll do fine, but I want to you know this is, this is I just followed directions to the people. Let me tell you something. God will show you to create the fellowship be created with creative the fellowship. I crave every meeting. I go to a field if I don't have anybody in my means that are rolling their eyes and saying, wow, okay, talked about gotten. None of those that, none of that crap. You know, I come to meetings where that happens, where they're whining about where the thumbsucking cry babies and worried right and we're worried about the car and all that crap. They're worried about in the world and everything like that. They haven't they haven't experienced any of the promises or if they have, their fleeting like that and they go away. So I go to those meetings too. I go to you know why I go to those means? Because the god of my understand says I have to go to those meetings and I have to talk about my story. Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of this double disease that I gotta keep talking about it and telling other people, and that's the way I feel. You know, that's the work that he has me. But he says, go out there and you tell them them about me and what's happened to your life, because it says we're on a new basis based of trust and relying upon God. We never apologize for God, can anybody, and they all better faith, have courage. They trust their God instead, where you let them demonstrate what he has done for them in their lives, and at once they began to outgrow fear. So I don't shy away from this stuff. In alcoholics anonymous, you know, when I walk out in a room, the only thing I think about is that I do that, I talk about God and what he's done for me. I don't think of about with some guy in the back road here doesn't like me because I talk too much about God. I don't worry about that stuff. You know what I mean. And if you're worried about that stuff, then you ought to think of yourself. Why you're so scared about what other people think about you and you've got to decide. You've gone through your entire life. There's no youngsters in here. You guys are forty, fifty and sixty years old. You live your entire flipping life worried about what other people think about you. You ought to really think about that and go home and vomit, you know, really you ought to think about what it's like to live a life where you're scared to talk about anything or really delve into this stuff and make him believe that you're emotionally sober, because I met people in alcoholics anonymous, like Al Kennedy, who had their ship together and he was dying of cancer and he's out there trying to help people. They never even mentioned it, you know, line because he was one of those people that got robbed in the Fourth Dimension Existence. Yeah, they asked Mother Teresa while say why they followed her around, and they followed her around and the slums some got in New York Times while he was he was talking to all these people about God and everything like that, and he said to her one day, the reporter said there he says, yeah, he says, I wouldn't do what you're doing for a million dollars. He said, neither would I. She was doing it because, she tell him that's what God wanted her to do. People believe in God. They stay sober for forty years, they stay sober for fifty years. They carry a message, a message of life, not a message of death. You know, not too many of people. Okay, so I'm gonna read a couple of things to you and then I'm gonna talk about something and it's gonna be something to do with the fifth step. But you know, because this is top five. But I'm not gonna tell you how to do the fifth step. You don't read the book tells you how to do it. WHO TO PICK OUT? I mean, I didn't. I did the fourth step. I knew how to do the fifth step. I went to my psychiatrist because I liked the guy. Is Close amount frod. Went to my psychiatrist. I read him the fourth step. He out out his old notes from me that he saw me three years acas on. It's funny. Didnt say anything about drinking back then. It doesn't matter. I told him the whole ship, you know, the whole thing. That was my the fifth step is all these steps are basically telling you. This is how you live your life from now on. You do it once. You do the fifth step once and then you do it for the rest of your life. You do the fourth step once, then you do it forever. You do the third step once and then you do it forever. You do the first step once and then you do it forever. You understand, say, you do the sixth step once and then you do it forever. There's no step that you stopped. You continue to take a personal Tory until you get it right. You understand this is the new life, this is the way of life. That is a way of life. It's different than the way of life I had before, chasing women all around barrooms and stuff like that. It's a different deal. Okay, so I'm in the top. I've been around. You're you're around long enough, you get repeatedly beat up enough times. You you you start connecting dots. You see with a third step is connected...

...to the sixth step, which is connected the seventh. You see where these things are all connected. You know, they seem like that. What do they have to do with surpride? What do they have to do it in and you know, you go through it. You know it's like my sponsor said, when the man with experience it's a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will walked away with an experience. I mean, you've got to go through this stuff. You know the IT. You've got to go through the pain and the agony and everything you go through, because that's what pushes you. You know, that's what the book of James Says. That was one of the books they found absolutely essential. Rejoice when you go through trials of every time, because if you go through the trials and and you stick with God, you focus on him, you will get through the trial and your faith will grow. And this is all about faith. And what does it say in the twelve and twelve? And says you're leaving God and have an earnest religious belief and your faith remains barring because he's not the centerpiece of your life. And why would you make it the centerpiece of the life? Why would you even talk like this, like the way I'm talking about? You know why? Why would you do that? People will laugh at you, people will think you're stupid, people will talk about you behind your back. Isn't that what you hate us? An Alcoholic? Please love me. You want everybody to love you. Please don't reinject me. Please tell me you like me. Please don't say bad things about me. What a crappy life. Crappy Life, you know, unbelievable. You know. You know, if you really want to be honest with yourself, to think about all the things you never do well, you can never see yourself doing, and why? Because you live a life of fear. Asks me back to doing this thing for twenty years or thirty years and still living that kind of life. Okay, this is paid. This is he sold himself short. Is the story. He sold himself short. I'm gonna read you the last paragraph. Somebody read the other day. I used to. I used to read this all the time when I was doing meetings, and then I stopped a few years ago. I stopped reading and somebody read the other said I gotta read this thing. L sline, last paragraph, page to sixty seven, fourth condition. It's called from the story, from the story he sold himself short. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. I'm gonna read this slow because I want you to Doggestin. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. This is this man's story. You know. It says if you want we haven't, you want to go to any length together, that you reready takes certain steps. I don't know who your we is. You can develop a weed in here if you want what we have and are ready to go to willing to go to any length to get you gray to take chense. You're not even reay to take it if you develop a week. I don't know who your weed is. I don't even know what you have. Are We? I don't even know. I don't even know what you want. What we have, whoever we is. I may just want what you used to have, the big house or a husband, whatever it is. But I developed a weed and my wee with guys like this, my way, where guys like this is my way. You See, this guy, Bill Wilson was my weight. Dr Bob was my way. This guy, you know, Dr Bob was my way. You know Dr Got Bob, the guy was in the last paragraph. If you're an atheist, that nostographs some sort of intellectual pride, intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what we're saying here, I feel sorry for you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. He's part of my weed. He was a part of my bill. Wilson was part of my Wei. This guy is part of my we. I wanted what he had. I was wanting to go to any length to get it. I didn't want this mere physical sobriety. I wanted this. I rate it. As a modestly successful man, my stock of material goods isn't great, but I have a fortune in friendship's courage, self assurance and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. Above all, get this, above all, above all, I have gained the greatest thing, according to any man. What do you think? That is what any think. The greatest thing is the love and understanding of a gracious God. Am you go to meetings where they don't even like to talking about God. You can stand up and say you're an atheist and they'll pack you on the back and they'll say you know, they'll be tolerant. You can say you're an agnostic, they'll be tolerant. When the big book says this sort of thing, it has to be abandoned. They can say things and shout things, that are completely against the big book about box anonymis and nobody will say a word. And you know why? Nobody will say a word? We're scared that the person might not like them. Man, you guys ought to go to Alan on deals with codependency. You know what I mean. While they stand up and say, listen, Pal this is the deal. You want to be an atheans agnostic, that's fine, don't talk about it in an a a meeting. You want to do something, because that's not what's in our big book. Where about something else? But nobody's gonna say that because they're all chicken ship. But if you say the God thing, they'll come up to you and tell you you're killing fucking newcomers. You're murdering newcomers if you talk about God, Jesus, man and a well, people's an honest. I can tell you that, above all, I have gained the greatest thing according to any man, the love and understanding of a great sin God, who has lifted me from...

...the alcoholic scrap heat to a position of trust where I've been able to reap the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can after I saw that psychiatrist and did my fifth step, probably the worst fifth step in the world, but it was the best one I could do that day. There's a lot of reasons why you do so, many reasons to do a fist step. I couldn't do a fist step before the fourth step because I didn't have any anything to share that made me sense. Because I'm an alcoholic, I'm delusional. I can't separate the truth from the false. My alcoholic life needs the only normal one. I think I'm right and I'm wrong. I think I'm selfless and I'm selfish. I have no idea. I do a fourth to May have some inkling. At least I run apply somebody else, you know, I run it by somebody else and they give me a new way of looking at things. You know, sometimes they use love. Sometimes my sponsors and the people I talked to were loving, sometimes they were well, whatever the opposite of loving is, but sometimes they were tough, sometimes they were sarcastic alcoholics. I don't know about you, but I'm one of these alcoholics that I thrive on sarcasm. You know, I asked some guy once, who was an a hero on mine, where he give me his number and he said it's unlistened just look it up in the book and I said to him your number is unlisted, and I had three years. I said your number is unlisted and he looked at me and he could have said yes, it's unlisted. That's not what he said to me. He said this. He said, Russell, I don't know what fellowship you're in, but I'm an alcoholics anonymous. I'm available. He had to give me the shot. He had to give me the shot. I don't know what fellowship you're in, but I'm a you know what happened when he gave me that shot. Because I'm an alcoholic, I don't pay attention to anybody or anything unless it makes some sort of dentimus old, and sometimes that that has to be paying. You know what happened when my hero told me, I don't know what fell should you're in, but I'm an alcoholics anonymous, I'm available. That's a story that was told me when I had three years. I've never forgotten that story. I share it all the time. Somebody asked me to share I say I'm available. Changed my entire life because he gave me a shot. He loved me another. So he wasn't worried about what I thought about him. He was more worried about my soul. He was more worried about me getting the right message than what I thought about him. So he didn't care. He just gave it to me straight. And I'm the kind of guy that I need that because I'm an arrogant son of a bitch and I think I'm gonna know it all and I think I know everything. So I need that kind of deal. That's the way. That doesn't mean you need it, you know. And the whole problem with the fifth step deal is the false pride. I was having a debate with somebody in the car. We were talking about someone is such a thing as real pride, actual pride, good pride. I'm not sure there is. I'm not sure there is. Uh Mean, I read scripture, I read stuff. I'm not even sure what there is about good pride, because every person I've known that is a hero of mind alcoholics anonymous. They never say things. I'm proud of my forty years, I'm proud of my fifty years. They say I've got forty years. Sobriety and feels of the grace of God. They give all credit to God. If somebody even says I want to introduce this guy and he's a good speaker, is this that? The other thing? Blah, Blah, Blah, my compulsion, my compulsion and mostly blind o saying I appreciate everything you've said to Meybe, I tell you something, I don't take credit for it. I point to him because he's just sent the use of my life, because that's what the big book says. You'll clear, your life will be barren if he's not the center piece of your life. And false pride is the problem. The false pride is that's the thing that keeps me in the secrets. So story time. I don't know how many you guys are TIKTOK guide. It's like I am your little bit story time. You know, true story it because I do believe what the big book says. And you're gonna talk about this stuff, you're gonna you gotta put some you gotta put some of your own flesh in the game. You gotta tell a little story on your show. So I told you already I'm an attorney. So one day I was about, Oh man, hold, hold, maybe I don't know. Ten twelve years sober or something like that at my own office at that time. and Um, I started off as a division states attorney's office, as the process in my own office. And this guy walks into my my office, true story, uh, named John, Young Kid, twenty one years old and uh with his wife and his little baby, and he just got arrested in Fort Laid Dell for cell delivery of a kilo of cocaine. Now you gotta understand something. Back then, even now, if you're quote with anything, porn grands cocaine, it's a fifteen human man minimum mandatory sentence. You understand? Fifteen years, no game time. You go to jail hand hand sale to NARC you know up in Fort Lauderdale. No defense, I mean...

...unless Jesus is defending you, and he didn't need to do good at his first trial. Yeah, unless something, the miracle happens, you're going away. And this falls but before the worst judge and for Blood Dale, Dan Fudge. Let me give me an idea of who Dan Fudge was. On his desk he had an electric chair that lit up. You know what I mean. But the guy offered me a lot of money. I mean this is what I do for a living. This is the stuff I do for a living. You know. I mean, if you're not gonna you're a serious litigators. So he offered me a bunch of money, at least at that time for me it was a lot of money. Uh, and he said one of these things, I have faith in you, I know you're gonna get me off. I said, well, let me, let me talk about the case, and he's no, no, no, you just do it. I have faith in you, I know you're gonna get me off. And then he introduced me to his parents. His father was a professor of the Massachusetts mother, like you know, Nice people. Thank you very much, Mrs Fatts. You know you're gonna do a great job. Blah, blah, we have full faith in you. Thank you very much. And then they leave, go back up to Massachusetts and I'm sitting here with this case with his four agents. is on videotape or something, and it's hand to hand, cell of a kilo around the table, everything like that. And I'm saying, and all they're saying is, I know you're gonna get me off, and all I'm thinking is they in no way I'm getting this guy off. This guy's going away for fifteen years, the thirty years, and they're gonna hate me, they're gonna report me to the bar. It's gonna be in the newspaper. Russell spat's phony attorney, you know, they never go to him. He's a liar and he's piece of wrap. And all I'm doing is and now you've gotta stand some of these cases they take like six, seven months. Every day for six months I'm thinking about what am I gonna do about this case? What am I gonna do about this? I mean imagine that. I don't know what you guys worry about. I know what you guys when you're snowbery. Have ever had anxiety? By the way, that's the same thing of fear. You know, just the case when guy was in my office. Want to talk about how he's worried. Word where. This is all fear. No, no, I'm just worried. It's fear. It's fear. Okay, you know, this is like real fear of being exposed, people being mad at you, stuff happening. You've probably had that in your life. They knew something, but this is this is the kind of thing that happens in the all in the open in front of people. You understand in a courtroom, you know with clients that it's serious stuff. You know, and we all have different types of years and I could not. I woke up thinking about this, I went to sleep thinking about this and all between that I was worried about this. It colored my entire sobriety great months and I couldn't tell anybody. I'm gonna tell my sponsor was a used car sales you know I'm gonna tell I'm gonna tell my sponsor. You know this story. Like. How's he going to help me? I'm a dead chicken. I took the money. I'm gonna tell my group. I'm gonna Tell my group that I don't know how to handle this kid. I don't know what's gonna Happen. To tell my group. You need the group that I'm doing the steps on that night. You mean to tell that group that I want to kill myself because I'm gonna no, I'm not gonna tell me. I'M gonna call it one of my lawyer friends. I'm gonna tell them I'm an incompetent piece of crap and I'm scared. I'M gonna call it a lawyer I'M gonna call it a lawyer. I know you know another division, Tief or something like that, and say, listen, I got this case. I'm sort of scared. Hey, what, who the hell am I? I don't I know. I'll just tell me. I'll just talk to myself about this thing. You know, you ever do that? Doesn't work real well. So one day my sponsor says, you want to go to the seminar? God is a miracle work. Go to the seminar. That's a retreat in a retreat. It was run by a guy named Father Alon grow who's who. He's passed away, bless his soul, and uh, just a wonderful guy, AL ground AL growl. Let me tell you about Alan grown. He had fifty five years sobriety. He was like seventy eight years old or eighty years old. He was a gentuite priest, you know. It was Jesuit's pretty high up the ladder and he was a PhD in psychology and he read the he ran the Palm Beach Institute for Drug Addiction. Okay, so you got a priest Jesuit free, Palm Beach Institute alcohol at fifty five years and he's running the retreat. So I look at this guy and I said that's the guy, that's the guy. I can tell this ship too, you know, I can tell this guy. That's I mean, I've been trying to take this ship for eight months and I had nobody to talk to. I am telling this guy this stuff. Okay. So we go through the whole retreat. I know how many people to retreat. At the end of the retreat you can make an appointment to see the retreat master. So I make an appointment to see oh, by the way, I can't take this. He was a war hero, certified warrior hero in the Batan March, you know, and whatever the thousand man march was, where people died. He was in that March with the Japanese everything. The Guy was like everything, you know. So as this is the guy, Um, finally, and he's got a direct linkage to God. I mean that's this is no, I'm gonna...

...tell him. So I uh, oh Lord, I love this story because it's so true, true one in vestling. So I'm making a point. I'm seeing. So what can I see him? And he says, uh, I introduced myself and I said well, father, and I'm not Catholic, you know, but you know. I said so Um. So he says, what's the problems? So I tell him the story. I rever said this guy took money and didn see a look. Callcaine, blah, Blah Blah. And I started telling my story and he goes like this. He Says No, no, he says I'm not the guy, and I say no, no, you're the guy. He said no, no, no, I am not the guy to hear the story. I said no, father, you are the guy. I am not the guy. No, you are the guy. So now I'm telling. Now I'm having an argue man with this guy's whether I he's even gonna hear me, but he's gonna hear me. It's gonna be that, it's gonna be a dead priest, he's gonna hear me. So he finally says okay, tell me. So I tell him the whole story and I don't know what to do. And what do they can think about me if I lose and Blah Blah Blah. It's in my life. And then I finished the story and I said so okay, so what do you what do you think? And he looks at me says you want to know what I think. I said, yeah, I want to know what you think. It says. I said, I'll tell you what I think. I think that you are full of ship. And then he spent twenty years telling me why I was full of ship in the way a judge, wit priest, a hey guy who was steeped in the truth and knew the deal could actually tell you stuff about yourself that you didn't sit and he told me the truth. You know, this guy goes to jail. He's going to jail because he's so cocaine. There's nothing to do with you. You know what this have to do with you? It has to do with him. And he saw, he went, he went to a hole. He had a check, check, check, check, check. So I w and then he did. After he started, after he beat the ship out of me, he then did one of these things. Now go in peace, my son. You know this Catholic thing, you know. So I walk out the door. I walk out the door and I'm Li in Shell Shock. I go to tell this guy pour my heart out of something that's farting me and he's telling me I'm full of ship, which I know. No, I'm not Roman Katholic but I know I've seen enough movies with confessions. You're supposed to say like, say three Hail Mary's or some sort of bullshit like that, you know. But I know I've never heard the pre say you're full of ship, you know what I mean? I know. So I'm I'm figuring, I'm writing the pope, I'm writing, I'm writing his superior. You gotta defract this guy and do something. I called through the alcohol thing with the fifteen voice in my brain. You know, let's get him, let's Lynch him. Who the hell is he and what's he doing? And I get into my little room and the retreat and it's like one bed, you know what I mean, a little desk, you know, the Bible on it and a cross over the bed and the little wooden cross, you know, and I sit down in the bed and I'm saying, he said this and I said that, and he said this and I said that and I should have said this, and I sat twisting, you know, and then all of a sudden, in a split second, all of a sudden, this voice goes across my brain, you know, the voice says it says maybe he's right. And the next voice I heard was he is right, and I thought of you and I heard every and he I said, he is right. Everything he said is right and something that had been bothered me, a defective actor that I had, which had to do about worrying about what people thought about me. I had to do with that worrying about what people thought about me or what they're going to think about me, that I had had all my life that didn't even know I had disappeared like that. My eight months gone, never to come back again. Maybe once in a while, a hand the mine, never to come up back again. Do you know what it's like to be able to handle yet? I'll tell you one thing. My whole attitude changed about how I dealt with people. Guy Says to me. He says to me, so what do you think is gonnappen? I said, I think you're gonna go away for a life. You Go away to life. I said it's a possibility. He says, we'll work on it, I'll do the best I can. There's always a possibility, but I don't sugarcoat it. I don't know that. He says. Well, yeah, I don't want to know everything. I trust you and I don't give a creat with it. When you trust me, you better learn your case and know what's going on, okay, because I canna tell you based on what I see and the evidence right here. Chances Are you're going away for a...

...long time and you are gonna have to work on it. I don't accept that crap. I don't accept that bullshit. You know I trust you. I know everything's gonna be okay. I don't know if you wanted something. You know everything's gonna be okay. I'm practicing for forty years. I don't know everything's gonna be okay. As a matter of fact, from where I'm saying, everything's gonna be horrible. Do you understand what I'm saying? They ain't gonna be okay. You understand what I'm saying? You and I are gonna have to work hard on this deal. I don't accept that alone. Do you understand? I don't expect that sort of like addict, alcoholic, you know, fairytale bullshit. You know what I mean. Don't lay that crap on me. I don't accept it. You know they don't want to pay anybody. They will walk on and find a lawyer that tells them bullshit. Fine, God bless you don't let the door hit you in the ASS. Okay, but the guys who stay become real good clients and they understand what's going on and there's never any problems. Oh, by the way, in that case I want the case. The jury found him guilty of attempted trafficking cocaine, which wasn't a crime at the time. Went up to the fourth discourt appeal and their reverse whole thing. He did. He did two days in jail. God is Great. If you believe in him, he will prove himself to you. Over your lifetime he will prove himself to you. Things that are impossible will become possible and well, you'll have to sit there and say this can only be about he put that priest in my life. Things that you think is the worst thing becomes the best thing, becomes a story, becomes a story. For God's sake, that thing becomes a story. You know, sometimes you'll meet people in your life and you'll hate their guts. You know, they come up with me and say, he used to hate you, but now I love you. You know, you'll hate their guts because they are telling you the exact thing you need to hear. Although you don't realize that. You know, you gotta go do a little more pain, you know, and sometimes there's a time to be sweet and the time of the night, and there's time you use tough there's the time. I'm gonna be sarcastic. I said the Ray O'Keefe. You know, once I said I was a ten years sober. I was broken in, not because I don't make money, I was broken because apparently I learned this in ten years and I was a math major going for my PhD. How the Great Topology, and I'm passing US launch. You just get you to know, because I could't understand why I was broken in. And he said when you spend more money than you make, you go into something called debt. You guys are laughing because you you probably know this, but I was ten years sober and I didn't know that. I just kept on spending like a drunken sailor, you know, buying stuff, you know, make myself feel better and stuff like that. And I said Uh, I said what am I gonna lose? Economic, economic and security, because I was, I believe I was working to sting hard for ten years. I didn't understand why I wasn't a millionaire and he said, who told you? He says, when am I gonna make money and M and he said, who told you that was gonna happen? I said the book. It says lose fear of people and Economic Insecurity. Says that. When? When am I going to get economic security? He says, he says, what are you talking about? He said the book. He says the book doesn't say that. He said, does he said, read it to me. He said you will lose fear of people and of economic insecurity. Says yes, Russell, you'll lose the fear. He says you, unfortunately, will always be broke. It just won't bother you. Thanks. I appreciate that. You know, it's stuff like the truth, but you can't get the truth. You can't get the truth from other people. You'll never get the truth from yourself. Yourself will never tell you the truth. Will always be lying to yourself. You get the truth from putting yourself in front of other people and submitting to them, you know, and having some little bit of an I'd submitting to them and open yourself up even to the possibility, whether you want to call it a fifth step or continued fifth step, or even when you realize there's a possibility, they might tell you're full of Shit. They might tell you you're full of sh it. I mean if you're going up to somebody and you're gonna open yourself up and then you're gonna have to listen. Don't say you don't open yourself out. Saying people I want. I said, well, one don't you just tell me you're gonna tell me something, but you don't want to know the truth. You know, and then we can start off that way. You know what I mean, knowing that you might get hurt, you might be told something, but maybe you'll learn something and something to be fixed. That's all about that. That's all about the false pride that we all have. I still have it today. You still have to watch out for it. That that that that deal where you know you have something bothered with you, but you don't. You don't. It's not bad enough. It's bad enough to keep you feeling not good about yourself, but not bad enough where you'll actually tell somebody else this is what's going on with me, because you're so worried about what they're gonna think about you. So it keeps you sick it keeps you sick inside, and that's the...

...false pride that all alcoholics have, and that's the real not the drinking. That's the real alcoholism, which will keep you an everlasting nick and ignorance because you can't really share what's going on. I mean the fourth step at least tells you the inventory steps, where it gives you some idea of what you know, what's going on. But the fact that you can't even then share it with somebody else and you wanted something, I'm not so sure it doesn't get worse over period time, once you get like ten, twenty, forty year, you know what I mean. You want you're fig you could, you could fix it all yourself. You know what I mean. Luckily, I hang around with a lot of people that are, you know, in this fellowship and everything like that, where most of the ship comes out at lunch. You know, I mean we just this is because system comes a way of life talking instead of talking bullshit that we don't we don't say, well, Hey, I'd like them dolphins. You know, hey, did you? Hey, did you watch that golf game? You know, hey, look at that good looking blood. We don't talk about stuff like that. You're talking about problems and where we're going through and stuff like that, because when you're into the fifth step and you're doing that stuff, that's how you talk. That's the kind of relationships with having people the same relationship. You have a God. You're open with them. You try to be as oone as possible. They're either talking to you you're talking to them. There their relationships where that you. They nourish you, they build you up. They're balcony people. They build you up, and so you, you, you, you don't have time. that. That the whole thing. Gold up until you drink again or you drug again and feel crappy about your life. You get it make any sense? I've said You.

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