AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 125 · 3 months ago

Russell S. Talk 2 Bal Harbour Group 8/31/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Talk 2 - Russell S. at the Bal Harbour Group, Boulevard Club, North Miami FL step series started August 2022.

My name is runs spats. I'm an alcoholic, so I don't know. I'm confused. Paul, you said if what is that? You are, if you've had a few drinks, retaining from speaking. I'm saying, were like Big Daddy's cup. You know, you're always funny. You always probably be a little fortified before you do something like this the start of loosen up your nerves. You know what I'm talking about. And then you're telling me I'm supposed to speak on step two and I'm saying like, I'm telling you. I said, who knew? I can't wait to hear what I have to say. excited. You know, I've been doing this. I've been so I'm one of my forty Second Years Society and I've been doing this Um whatever, whatever this turns out to be. Actually I actually, I used to actually do step. We came step series, but I don't even call him steps anymore. Calm talks about I'm doing this stuff for like thirty five years and since I had five years, you know, or six years, something like that. And Uh and uh so, and it's always good to be here. And when I when I used to, there was a time when I did these things that. Uh, I mean, I'd come to meetings, I'd be so prepared. I'd be so prepared. I'd have the big book, I'd have the twelve and twelve later on. I had talked about the good old timer's. I had like three or four books. They'd be marked and underlined. I'd like to have tabs and each one and I'd be opening them up and reading them and everything like that. You know that I can't do that now because of the you know dimension. But UH, now it's true. I can't. I wouldn't be able to figure that out, you know, and it wouldn't be so that's when I actually used to do the steps and actually help people out. But you know, what happens is, uh, you know, I tell me, he said you do the steps. I said, Um, I don't know. I think so. I don't know. I've been doing it for like forty two years, you know. I mean, you know, after a while it's like wax on, wax off it with me. I mean, I'm just telling you, uh, you know, I'm I'm sort of thinking that it's possible that if you do these things, you know, inventory, fifth step, confession, making amends, finally making amends so many times that maybe your ten, fifteen, twenty years over that you don't really make that many amends anymore because you because you don't screw up. You know, they say one of the one of the one of the results of doing a tent step over and over again, besides the fact that you get sick and tired of making amends, is you you come to the realization, at least I did after fifteen, twenty years, if you don't do do stupid ship or selfish it, you don't have to make amends. And then you work on not doing stupid, selfish ship. And they call that restraint of tongue and pen. So when you restrain your tongue and you restrain your pen and you don't have to are you or get the last word in, and you avoid crazy people and crazy stuff, if you can managed to do that, because you can see them coming. Actually, you know, especially if you have sponsored hundreds of that you can see them coming. You know, if you do that, you find that you find that after quite a few years of sobriety that Um, it doesn't seem like you're doing the sets. It just seems like you're living your life, you know, like they say, your alcoholic life seems the only normal one. You Get up in the morning, you drink like a fish, you screw up people, you hurt people, you're it's tornado going through people's lives. You're going freaking crazy. You're hating yourself, you're hating other people, you're mad, you're angry, upset. Every day. I can't believe this bullshit that I have to go through. Why is this always happening to me? Your brain is all full with with a craft that's filled with you know, every day it's just a battle of the you know, between you and the assholes out there. And you know what I mean. And and you just get mad and you get piste off and if somebody, God forbid, says you, what are you so mad about? Say if it happened to you, you feel the same way too, and you know...

...and you don't think there's anything wrong with you, because it's normal for you. And you know and you can't separate the truth from the false. You don't even know because you believe you are absolutely right. And and UH, and you're you're you're not actually doing the steps. You're doing, like you're doing the alkey thing right. You're doing your outkey thing. You're, you know, drunk or sober. You're acting like an alcoholic. You're not emotionally so, you're acting like does anybody here remember when they used to act like an alcoholic? I mean, actually, I'm not. I mean, I know you're all alcoholics now and I know you're all alcoholics now and you have your you have your moments. You understand what I'm saying, but do you have do you remember when you actually live the life of an alcoholic? I mean to be an alcoholic it's more than the drinking. You're an alcohol Y when you're not drinking, you're you have these obsessions with booze, with women, with men, with sex, with yourself. Everything is a problem. You know, it's all bullshit. You know what. You know. That's a deal. You only get upset when you're not getting your own way. You know, when people you know, and yeah, you guys don't remember that. Remember that? Well, when that happened, did anybody said you, well, are you doing the alkay thing? He's well, he's well, the alky thing, and they mapped out not steps, but if you you know, they did what I did. You know, you know, like you're mad at people. When people are asking, you always call them names, you're thinking bad things about it, and then they say, I'm not doing it. That's that's my wife, man, that's the way I live, you know. And so you're coming here and you go through this training period, you know, like this boot camp. So you don't drink and slowly but surely, you keep on doing these step things and you do the written for you do all this stuff, and then so somewhere around fifteen years, twenty years, they're somewhere along the thing. You know, you just start feeling, what do they say, rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, experience too much of heaven. You'RE gonna know Pete, you're gonna know peace. It's now that they say you lose fear of people and that cannot have been security. Hey, what if they're not lying about that? Hey, what if? What if they're notlining? What if? What if that's the truth? What if that actually happens down the walls? Maybe not in the first ten or fifteen years or twenty years or thirty years or but what if that actually happens to a few alcoholics? Every once in a while they get to the point, you know, and so you you go up to one of them alteas and you say, uh, so, how do you do the steps? And they they I said, well, it's in the book, they'll tell you how to do it and everything like that. But they said, well, how do you do it? I say, I don't know, I just live it. I just live my life, because when you do the steps over and over again, when your whole life turns in, whenever I'm disturbed, there's something wrong with me, and you say why, I'm up saying you pin it down and to make them, and you do, and your restraint, when you do it that way, it's not it's not like you're mechanically, mechanically, you know, like some sort of puppet, mechanically forcing yourself to not hurt people. You know, you're not forcing yourself not to do super things, forcing yourself not to hurt people, forcing yourself to do service, forcing yourself to love people, forcing yourself to pray for people you don't like. You're not forcing yourself to believe that there's a power riding yourself and restores you said. You're not, for you're not forcing yourself to turn your life over to God. You're living a turned over life. You wake up believing in God and loving God. The whole day all you're doing is thinking about God. You go to sleep thinking about God. Maybe you listen to him is on the radio, like I do all the time. You hang out with people that are talking about God, you go to meetings to talk about God because you never apologize for it, because you're you've lost fear of people in economic insecurity and you want to just share the message that you've shared. You become like Bill Wilson. He...

...can see I know Bill Wilson. I know who he is, I know what he was. I know all about it. I even know who is God is. I know who is. I know who Bill Wilson's God was. Of his understanding. I happen to have the same God, but you don't have to have the same guy. I know because because you have to be dumb as ship not to understand whose God is. And read the book and read all the books. But if it got me down in your mind, an alcoholic, Stony Sumber three, this a line where we're Bill Dotson. The man on the bed said there was I was missing something. I knew there was something. I was missing. Something or a person want to had a piece, a release, something a person want to have, and then one day I was sitting in my I was sitting in my kitchen with bill and my wife and Henrietta, not Henrietta, cyberling, Bill Dotson's wife, and Bill said this. This is in the book. Check it out. This is confidence approof stuff. I wouldn't even ship it wasn't. It's definitely found his route, but its conference room, because in the book and it says, and this is what Bill Wilson said, he said he said, you know, he said Henrietta, the Lord has been he didn't say the higher power, he didn't say HP, you know what I mean, or God. Am I understanding? You know? And he said Henrietta. He said the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I have to keep talking about it and telling other people. and Bill Dotson said, he said that changed my life. He said. I can see that. Bill Wilson gave all credit to God, all credits to God, and that's how he lived his life. And by the way, I happen to know Dr Bob and I know who his God was and I got the same guy. I know I got the same guy, because Clarence, uh and and and in, uh Dr Bob and good old timers, clarence the brewmaster. Uh, when he was twelve step by Dr Bob. It went like this, and you can check it and read it out. By the way, this is conference approved, conference aproves, you know. And Uh, it's not approved by a ready in a though, you know. But you know, this isn't exactly what people is anonymous, isn't? There's conference, a group. So Clarence the Brewmaster, who founded the Acron Group, and uh, he said this is how my twelve step went, he said. Dr Bob came in to see me. He says I was a hundred thirty five pounds. I was like thirty years old. He said you look kind of young. He said, I don't think you're ready yet. Clarens said I was a hundred thirty five pounds, I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money. I didn't know how much more ready I could be. And then Bob asked him this. He said, do you believe in God, Young Fella? And Clarence said this is what Clarence said. You ready for this? You don't like this is really important, Clarence said. What does that have to do with it? And you'll be interested in what you know. What you know? What Dr Bob said, everything, everything. God either is or he isn't. What's your decision gonna be? It's gonna be for God. Are you gonna Utterly Abandon Your Helping God? He said everything. He said, well, I guess I do. I guess nothing. You either believe in God or you don't believe in God. Half measures, a Vailue, nothing. So so Clarence said. Well, I do. He says, good, now we're getting somewhere. Get down on your knees, off the hospital bed, we're gonna pray. I guess. He didn't care about killing newcomers. Nobody told me he was killing Clarence, who states over until day died. He said. Clash...

...knew exactly what he was getting involved in. He said, get out of the bed and get on your knees. We're gonna pray. Then he prayed the way they did before they go into all meetings. He gave his life to God and, as as Clarence said, I did what I was told to do. There were no suggestions. When Dr Bob was asked the question, what does his first things first mean? Dr Bob said it means seeky first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things will be added. Unto You, I actually know where that quote comes from in the Bible, because that's what they used. You know, when they say really have seen Kirk Dale has thoroughly followed our path. I even know what their path is because I read the book Dal about because I didn't want to be ignorant and I wanted more, and I know what the book Dr About. I know what the book says. It says the books that they found absolutely essential were first corinthians thirteen, sermon in the mouth and the book of James. At least the way. That was the way. That's the way was before the conference got Ahold of it. And I don't even know those freaking guys in the conference. You know what I mean. I don't even know him. I don't even think. I don't even think I liked him, to tell you the truth. You know the conference God saved us from committees. You ever? You ever been to a business meeting? Can you imagine what like a pure a, pure a a, the pure a a was given to this group to go through it and have a business meeting about it. What? What kind of crap would pop out of that? You know what I mean, but I don't know. I should. I don't even worry. You don't get mad at this ship, you know, because you're freethinking individuals. You can do whatever. We can walk out of your so don't believe any of that crap. You know, I'm just telling you stuff I've learned the last two years. Yeah, it's just the way my mind works, you know, and you know, but watch out, you may start thinking about this crap. You know, and that'd be dangerous. You know, and you know. Everything comes out of the wash, doesn't it? It really, you know, forget about the right or wrong our opinions we are. It all really comes out. And whether or not you can stay sober for over twenty years. Only one in two hundred. You know that. Basically only one in two hundred stays sober, and there's a huge gap between twenty and forty years. You talked about that last time. You know, the A is strewn with bodies, strewn with bodies of people saying, well, I've been around for twenty five years and I'm working on ninety days now or I had eleven years and then I drank. I had seven years, then I drank. Had six years when I drank. You know, see, we're like a giant. It's it's you know, we're like a giant self cleaning oven. Every three or five years the alcohol comes through and clears out all the fucking bullshit, m all the well, I would have done that if I came in and I don't believe that. I think you do it that way and all the people that are defiant and don't want to surrender and don't want to give in and want to do it their way and want to continue to play God of love reason. We must stop playing God and not even knowing they're playing God by making up ship in their mind. That has nothing to do with God or anything. It's just it's. It's life as they understand it. The alcoholic it's like the alcoholic it's like the alcoholic life without the alcohol, the alcoholic life without the alcohol. You don't have to go to a bar, just come here and drink coffee. You know what I mean? It's just stay and you must be doing it right because you're not drinking yet. But all I know is is rezillions of people that make it up to twenty years and they fall into that that Crabas, that Steep Canyon between twenty and four years, I called them. You know,...

...there's there's two fellowships here, it's true, STU fellowships. There's the not drinking club, which we're all members of, you know, we're sort of all members of. We all come in there not drinking club. We've had the diets for not drinking. We clapped for people that down. Oh Yeah, you know. We tell people you know no about how big your day is if you you know. It could have killed fifteen people in rape them on. It doesn't matter. If you haven't had drink, your success, you know, and that's you know, listen, new comers need that stuff. You need that kind of stuff if you know, and it's very important, and that sort of stuff. And then there's some sort of club, some sort of deal, where they talk about being rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. They talk about experiencing much of Heaven, experiencing joy in your life and knowing peace, and they say the great fact for us that reached that level is this, that God has become the central factor of our lives. And you have people where God has become the central factory of their lives. And you have people that don't like when people who talk about God and the Nami and people who say things like well, well, you know, if they had said that to me, you know you're killing newcomers and criticize people that talk about God. And you have people that have lost all fear of people in economic and security. And you have people that are not drinking, but their thumbsucking cry babies, they still live a life of it. They still live a life of anxiety, anxiety and envy and fear and loneliness and blaming and anger and yeah, and UH, and they're upset able. They're upset able. You can always tell somebody's sobriety by what's what upsets them and how how often they get upset because, you know, we have a spiritually accident whenever you're disturbed. Amount of what the cause is something wrong with you. And it's clear to see this, this canyon, this crevas this huge crevas that's where I call that Crevasse, the place where people who are in the not drinking club go to die. That huge crevass is talked about in the book. It's called the six step crevass. It's the step, it's the crevasse that separates the men from the boys. It's the crevasse were on the other side of that are men who are repeatedly trying to grow in the image and likeness of their creator, because they become entirely ready to have God remove all their defects of character. This is the this is these are the men that lived their life for God. God is the central fact of their lives and they be I'm convinced that God is real and lives in their lives in a way which is deed miraculous, doing for them what they can't do for themselves. They understand that, even though it's like they stay in the book. They may not meet Bill Wilson and Dr Bob, although we do when we read their material. It says God will be in charge of that, because your real reliance must be on him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave, and those people. They crave spiritual fellowship of people who are focused on God. Those are the people when they read the book. Above everything, must get rid of this selfishness. We must at kills US understands how selfish they are. They appreciate how selfish they are, no matic how sober they are and how long they've been sober. And they know, though, that says God will remove it. Seems no way of removing this. God will do that. And then it says the way we do it is like this. We made a serious decision. It's not a third step decision. A...

...third step decision is not a serious decision. You know, I made my decision when I was my third step decision when I was a few months sober and I locked myself in the bathroom and got down on my knees so nobody would see me, just kissed it, walked into my house off the street and said and said the third step prayer and then got up and eight. I made a decision for God. You know, I've got a rabbits for now. You know I did it. I did the third step. I guess that must be it. I turned to all the God and then went out, you know, thinking about women and sex and money and cars and all that sort of stuff. But hell, I'd say the eleven, I'd say I'd say the surrendy step. I'd say the prayer of surrendy prayer, I'd say, the Lord's prayer. You know, I was like right on top of this stuff, and then spend, I'd spend most of my life thinking about the things of this world. Why don't I have this and why don't I have that? If I only had this and I only had that, if I only lost way and if only, you know whatever, if I only lived in Chicago, if I only did if I only had a new card, if I only this. Is this? The voted to God. I didn't make no decision for God. Now, I'm not saying the decision isn't important, but when you live a life, an alcoholic life, which seems normal, which is not about the drinking, which is only a get this, listen to me. Drinking is a symptom of the disease. You got it. Drinking is only a symptom of the disease. The real disease exists in your mind, not your body. It's your insanity. Sober, you don't experience alcoholism. When you're drinking, you experience something called drunk. It's a different thing. Alcoholism is why you do stupid ship and why you hurt people and why you feel like a piece of crap. Why? Why? Deep down inside you know you're worthless. So you've got to prove yourself to everybody else. You've got to blend in. You can't stand the fact that people might not like you. You're associating yourself with toxic, stupid people that will never like you, but you gotta make them like you. You worry about crap that you should never worry about. That's the real you spend money. You don't have the bi crap. You don't need to impress people you don't like. You're constantly living a crumby, crumby life. But you're five years older and you think you're doing great, and you are doing great. And listen, you are doing great. You aren't. Listen, you aren't. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank you for that. You aren't. What's your what's your name? Sweetheart, Kelly, I'm so glad you're here. God bless you. I'm glad you're here. I know I needed here. I need you here. You know, help me out, help me out here, but sometimes I get lost, you know what I mean. So let's see how this thing works. So the bottom line is is that you know. That's the real disease and and and that disease. You know how that disease leaves, that disease lead. It tells you in the book. It says if you make a serious decision for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, he'll give you everything indeed, if you stay close to him and perform his works well, and whatever his works, his works are his job for you. He has a job for everything, everybody. Just stay close to him and help other people. Help other people do what. Find Him. That's what it's about, to find him, you know, and that's the deal. So I don't know. I don't have any power to listen. The only thing I can do is give my witness. This is what we call it. I'm giving my witness, my testimony. That's all I got. So I was about five years older and I went to my first so why is it important to come to believe that a power them greater than yourself, to restore you to insanity, to to sanity, I mean, if you've got to be you know, the bottom line is what the big books telling you is you will come...

...to believe. Well, you'll even come to believe that, or you won't make it. You will come to believe that a power greater than yourself. It may be your sponsor. At first, it maybe the group at first, who knows what it maybe at first, okay, maybe love the trees, I don't care. At first you'll come to believe that. I'll tell you what you come to believe. You'll definitely come to believe that you ain't the power. You will definitely come to the end of yourself. You will definitely come to believe that your best thinking on your best day got you in here. You'll definitely come to believe that you need help, because you might even say to somebody, I need help, I can't stop drinking. You'll definitely come to believe that you need help with the drinking thing, which seems like a major thing, but really it ends up being the smallest thing in the end, because you will eventually stop drinking. That's the problem, the real problems. You will eventually stop drinking and if you stop drinking long enough, you will actually think that you're not drinking, not because of the grace God, but because you're doing something that you're you will start playing God without even know when you're playing God. You'll think you're perfectly okay because you're not drinking and you're going to meetings, because they tell you don't drink and go to meetings, and you will get into that. That that deal, the first and twelve step deal, they say, the two stepper, where you think you're doing great because, number one, you're not drinking and number two, you're going to meetings, number three, you're sponsoring people and you're talking about the steps and you're doing this. You're doing this, you're staying sober. But God won't be the central factor in your life because you won't need because you won't need because you don't need them. It'll be like a rabbit's foot that you're having a pocket. You'll have a rabbit's foot of here called God or HP or whatever. You have the rabbit's foot and when things get like really bad at three o'clock in the morning, you'll pull that rabbit's foot out. You know what I mean. So, God help me, every once a while you'll pull the rabbits foot out. You know, it's nice down the rappits. Rabbits for there can help you for a while, but it ain't gonna be the central fact of your life. It's not gonna be the central fact. Yeah, we're hoping that for you too. You know, it could be the central fact of your life, but whether or not you have completely devoted yourself. You know, it says in the seventh step. It says you can have earnest religious beliefs, believe that God exists, and the last will have remained barren, barren, a baron belief, you know, barren because he's not the central fact of your life. I don't know. It says something in the big book. You know, people may get bored by you're talking about God, but it says in the big book. You know it says. You know what it tells me in the big book. It says I never apologize for God. I never apologize for my faith or talk about God. It says all men of faith have courage. They trust their God instead, they let him demonstrate their lives that he can do for them. You know why I talk like this at any meetings? This is God's the most important thing in my life. You know why you never hear the shitty any means, because some of those people are scared to talk this way because Scott's not the center piece in their lives. They're more worried about what you guys think about me. I'm not worried about what you think about me. I'm not even talking to you, I'm really not. I'm talking to him. I know what he wants me to say and I'm saying it. I'm just sharing it. You want to, so I'll tell you what I'm talking to. I'm talking to the One guy who's actually listening. I'm talking to the one guy, one, the one goal Kelly, who's talking to you, I love. Well, I love you too. I love you too, sweetheart, and I'm and I'm talking to you, but I'm talking to I'm even talking to the guy who hates my guts for talking like this and saying who invites I'm I'm talking to that guy. You know why? Because that's the guy who's gonna walk out of here being piste off thinking about what I'm saying, and one day I'm gonna meet him, five years from now, he's gonna say, I used to hate you, but now I love you. Guys. You know why? The alcohol is gonna come right through and wipe them out. You know, a couple of...

...times and he's gonna Change his attitude because I can't carry the message. The big book doesn't even tell me I should carry the message. You know that the big book never says we carried the message. Listen, let me tell you what the story is. I I when I was five years sober, I went to the homestead group to do made my first step serious. I was about to do a step series of the homestead group. So I go to the homestep group and there's a group like this and I'm I don't know, I was thirty one accounts, thirty six years old, and so I'm doing I'm doing a steps, I'm doing this deal. And back then I actually would actually talk about the steps. Now, by the way, I have a secret. I'm gonna tell you a secret. I'm gonna tell you a secret. Right, there's a secret, a deep secret. Some you mash. You understand this. I'm actually talking about the steps. I'm talking about all the steps mushed into one. Because you know why, I'm a product of alcoholics anonymous. My whole life is the steps. How I think is the steps, the principles of the steps. There's nothing. I can tell you that it isn't gonna have either step three involved, step eleven involved, step four involved, step twelve involved. You're getting fed the steps and you don't even know you're getting fed the steps. And some guy back there is saying I think he's talking about step ten. I think I heard him talking about step ten. I think he's talking about step one, I think he's talking about step three. You know, really, what you hear is based upon what's going on inside of you and what the Lord gives you. has nothing new with me. So I go to this homestead group and I'm speaking there at the group and uh, and I'm not getting any reaction. There's no laughs. I'm doing the and I am obviously doing the absolutely the absolute worst worst thirst step meeting in the history of alcoholics, anonymous the worst and uh, as a matter of fact, I believe it's in the book. Get this book of World Records. Worst Day meeting stepped into the history of alcoholics and on its so I leave that meeting and I say to myself self, I ain't going back there. I ain't going back. They didn't like me, they didn't love me. I wasn't feeling good. Apparently, at five years I was still worried. I know this is hard to leave. Five years I was still worried about what other people might think about me. That actually lasts for a long time. That will hang on, you know, that'll actually hang on. And Uh, I think one of the reasons thats it hangs on because we don't talk about God a lot. I think we had as many faithful logs as we had drunk locks and a we have more people staying sober in the twenty years ago. I think we don't really talk about God a lot. We talk a lot about drunk lots. We talk a lot about drunk locks. You know, we only hear people talking about drunk locks and did ten eleven years sober, twelve years sober, you start thinking to yourself, when nobody's saying anything, that's gonna help me. That's not my problem. My problem is not to drinking. My problem is I'm always worried about money, I'm always nervous, I always have anxiety, I feel lonely. Yeah, I get angry. Yeah, Kelly, you're not not too sorry at all. I know you listen, Kelly, next week you're going to do this. We're gonna have you up there. Okay, let me finish my story. I'm gonna give you a chance to talk at the end of the meeting. At the end of the meeting, I'm gonna let you, give you a chance to me, but I got...

I gotta, but I gotta finish the story. Can I finished the story? Thank you. So I go to the homested group. So I say, I'm never gonna come back again. Now. That's what I'm telling myself. I ain't not coming back to this group. And, uh, because they didn't like me, they didn't love me, and I but of course I'm going back because somewhere, my my sponsors trained me well enough. Whenever you say you're gonna do some today, you always say they asked me. Always say yes, and somehow, in my mind, I don't know how this happens to you when you're an alcohol I determined in my mind that if I didn't go back there and finish it, I was gonna drink. And one of the great things that was given to me is I so much didn't. Well, I may have been an idiot and I may have had a lot of things wrong with me. I can't tell how much I did not want to drink. I can't tell you how much I didn't want to drink. And Man, if I thought that if I didn't do something, I might drink. I was gonna do it, so I was gonna go back there. So I went back to this group the next week to do step forward to the to where I had done the worst meeting in the history of alcoholics, anonymous, and before I started, a guy walked up to me and he said, can I talk to you and I said I was true. Sorry, I said sure. He says, I just want you to know my name is John and you didn't see that I was in the back of the room, but I was going to drink last week and my wife left me, I lost my job, she took my child and I was gonna drink. But instead of drinking, I came into the room to see if anybody just think he just come into the room to see what was being said. And when you said the chicken was on the roof, the entire program came together for me and you saved my life and I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, I never said the chicken was on there. I said now, now, now, listen. I'M gonna listen. I knew what he was talking about. I was because I was talking a little poultry there at one point. You know what I had said is I said the Turkey was in the basement. He got the whole thing wrong. Now now listen. Maybe, no, no, no, no, now I took credit for it. I said, I said, I said checking on the roof. Yeah, one of my favorite deals. You know what I mean. I can't tell you how many means I got to where. I said, you know, as Russell says, checking out on the roof. I said, it's amazing, you know, and I but a man, I get. I get a lot of things you got attributed to me, but but so, so, so. You know, here's the deal. And then I realized something for the first time about the twelfth step. And I didn't know, I said here, here, I wasn't an a meeting. I had done the worst meeting in the history of alcoholics, anonymous, but I was doing the best meeting I could do that night. And I said at some point to that meeting Turkey in the basement, and it sort of floated across the room, Turkey the basement, Turkey in basement, and it went all the way the guy in the back wall, I got, Peter or whatever his name was, and it went in his ear and God knew exactly what he needed and it went to his ear. He knew what was missing in his heart and he heard chicken on the roof. And I got credit for it. And then I realized. I said, you know, Russell, we don't carry the message. The only thing God tells us to do is try to carry the message. Isn't that what it says? We tried to carry the message, you know. So. So this is probably the worst second step meeting in the history of alcoholics anonymous, but it's the best...

...one I can do tonight and I don't have to worry because if, if you know something, if everybody, what do you say to that group? They all got in, they got drunk. I don't feel guilty about it, you know, because I came up and I fulfilled my responsibility. And if somebody stays sober and say you really helped me out, I don't even take credit for that because all I'm doing is trying to carry a message. Given a witness. You don't want to believe my witness, that's fine for you, but this is a true story and that's the deal with that thing. And all I can tell you is somehow, over a period of time, your belief in God and your faith in God and how much you choose to decide to cultivate that. We'll have a lot to do with whether or not you stay sober for forty years and whether or not you have joined your life. And and I want to and I'll put it you this way, I have eight grandkids and you know, they're little baby to like eight years old, like three eighteen year old gals. They don't you know. And you know if I don't see them for a long period of time, you know for a year or somebody like hey, it's like man, they've grown. But if I see them every day, they grow. They grow like incrementally, a little here, a little there, a thet'll need to hear a mill meeting there when you're in you know, here's there's there's one benefit, one major benefit, with staying sober for over forty one years. And let me tell you what a major benefit is. Well, you know, there's the farmer's commercial. I know a lot because I've seen a lot, not because I'm bright, I've just seen a lot of experience, a lot. You know, the way we get a new perspective is by repeating humiliations. I've been humiliated a lot. You understand what I'm saying. I've had a lot of crap happened to it. You know you've had crap. It happened to you right. This is a difficult world. In this world you will look trouble. There was no question about the fact. You know, listen, I was selfish, self centered. I didn't give a shit about any body except myself. Full of self pity, full of envy, full of entitlements, full of worry and fear, full of all that stuff, you know, full of all that stuff surrounded, surrounded by a world of people, many of which were exactly like me. This is not this is not a world that's UH conducive to make you feel at peace with yourself. I mean, if your idea of staying sober is you'RE gonna be sober as long as everything goes away and people act nicely, you might as well suck on the muzzle of a gun right now, because that ain't gonna Happen. Okay, you're gonna be trying to stay sober in a world where it's coming to get you. I love what the Bible says. It's like the devil's like a roaring lion, you know, looking to devour somebody, just them and around in this world, you're gonna go out there and a lot of craps is gonna Happen to you because of consequences were crazy acts, like John Wayne says this. Well, you know, life is rough and when you're stupid it's even rougher, you know, and sometimes you're gonna get the ship knocked out of you for nothing you did at all, just because you're just down there in the street and you get into the car accent where somebody dies or something happens that has nothing to do with you and you're just starting off. You're Great Day Day and all of a sudden, Bam you've got terminal cancer and Bam, you know your father's thought. Something happens and that's this world and that's the way it's gonna be, you know, unless you figure out a way how you can get you can be in this world, but not of this world and overcome this world, you know, in the situation of this world and not and not base your happiness and your joy on your circumstances. You'RE gonna have some problems here. You may actually be able because people can do this in a going to a lot of means and sort of...

...like being keeping busy and do what they tell you. Do. You can. You can stay sober for five, ten or fifteen years or twenty years, but it's not gonna be happy, joyous sobriety. Here and there, once in a while, person and alcohol being drive the moment says feel better, look better, having better time. You Laugh. It's like Sally. We know we're trying to hold old game again because he's not happy with the sobriety and he doesn't even know. What do you do when you're five, ten or fifteen years sober and you've done everything you've been told to do in the steps, you think you've done everything, and you're still not happy? What are you gonna do then, big shot? What do you do when you've been ordering this thing ten years and everybody's telling you sober and you're supposed to be? What are you gonna do when you're still worried about money? What are you gonna doing you're still worried about what people are gonna Think about you? What do you do when you live in fear and you've still you've been doing this thing for ten years or fifteen years. Who Are you? WHO ARE gonna call ghostbusters? What are you gonna do? You know what are you gonna do that? What are you gonna do then? Because I'm gonna tell you something. There's not a person in this room that is gonna hit that invisible ceiling. You'RE gonna hit it more than once. You think you're done with the first step. Hey, the first step ain't done with you. You think you've con in this outfall and something. Let me tell you something. It's like dancing with the gorilla. You stop dancing when the gorilla gets tired. Let me tell you something. You don't even know. You got shipped. You got shipped coming at you that you can't even imagine. You know what I mean? You can't even imagine. You know, one day at a time. Yeah, you keep on telling yourself it's gonna be okay. You'RE gonna find out a little bit about this deal to repeating humans. I don't care if you got ten years, fifteen years. I'm here to tell you crap is gonna Happen. Those eighty thousand, eighty seven thousand new I R S agents, they got you on the list. They're looking at you. Yeah, looking I do. There aren't the dangerous. You know, no, but you know that's that's that's the thing on on this steal. When I was going through this in a five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, twenty five years, and I don't know what this drives with. Why want you to think about this for a second. As I'm staying sober, one day at a time, and they're handing me medallion's thirty thirty day chip, Sixty Day chip, ninety day chip, six months, chip, one, one year chip, medallion, two year, Maday, three years medallian. In my mind I see where I'm getting better slowly. I can see I'm doing okay. I'm grateful because I'm not I haven't had a drink. Not having a drink is a big deal. Not having a drink when you're going through stuff is an even bigger deal. So I can see that. But you know what I you know what I can't see, because everything, all the other stuff, all the spiritual stuff, all the stuff that centers in your mind. The drinking is impressive and the drinking impresses you for a while, but what happens is this, all the other stuff in your brain that gets that changes slowly, slowly, incrementally. Five years sober, maybe you realize you're you're doing a little bit better, but you're still you're still you're still waking up at three o'clock and when you're worried about the money. Ten Years Sober, you haven't drinking. Ten years you're sponsoring people, but you know you're still worried about the money. Fifteen years sober, you're still worried about what other people are thinking about twenty years sober, you're still worried about the money. And you open up the book alcoholics anonymous and says you'll lose fear of people and of economic insecurity, and you say this to yourself. When is that going to happen to me? When is that going to happen to me? I haven't had a drink in fifteen years. I've been hitting this thing F hard for fifteen years and when, when am I going to lose fear that cannot get in secure...

...or what? Am I going to lose? Fear of what other people think about it? And you'll meet people in a a. You will meet other people in a like build, like that guy who built met Bill Wilson, and they'll seem to be. They'll seem to be different, like Bill Wilson. They'll seem to be at ease with themselves. I'm not worried about what other people think about and you'll try to figure out what's going on with them, what's happening to them, and you may even get an England that there's something going on with them, like I got an inkling with John Glenn and some people lying around with that, how to do with God being the central fact of their lives. And then you're sitting there and you're thinking this, how do you do that? Let's say I want to do that. Let's say I want to do that. You know what? What is the big book said? If you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready and you'll be at a point in your life and he'll be ten years ober, you'll be fifteen years over. I know one GALT was thirty five years sober and she realized that she's Solber, but she she's not happy. And then you're gonna be trying that, you're gonna be saying what can I how can I do this? I want it. How can I do it and then you're then that that's the deal you're gonna be in and you're gonna have to do what people do and you're gonna have to find other people and that person that has what you want and you're gonna have to latch onto them like a leash at the leash, because the bottom line is this. To get the things in this world that most people will never have or experience, you better be prepared to do the things that most people will never do. And let me tell you something. People not callus anonymous are not really working the program. They're doing everything in the big book. They think they're doing everything in the big book except the things they don't want to do, except the things they don't want to do. There is more, or, believe me, there is more in the big book that people don't do and refuse to do than they do. So you'll find that out down the road. You know. You don't have to hear it from me. You know one day, if you're sitting there at three o'clock money and you're trying to figure out what the Hell is the problem. I've been sober five years, ten years, for champion years, and you're realize you're realize it's like, you'll realize it's what it's always been. It's it's a Godfing, it's the GODFA. Thanks for coming. Tell me you come back. I want to see you next week. Okay, Sweetie, you're welcome to you helped me out a lot of God bless you. Okay, that's all I have to say.

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