AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 124 · 3 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 Bal Harbour Group 8/24/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Talk 1 - Russell S. at the Bal Harbour Group, Boulevard Club, North Miami FL step series started August 2022.

My name is Russell, I'm an alcohol hey, I you know this must be. I gotta tell you something. I Um, you know what I'm seeing. All. Well, that's another story. I'll get into that in a second. But, uh, but I can pass it, doesn't you know? You wouldn't know unless year, if I'm around me. But this I see a lot of people that I've known for the last thirty, forty years in this deal. And Uh, it's this must be what a is like, uh, in century village, like like in an assistant living in facility. You know what I mean? All this is what a must this is what it must look like, you know. So it's over for us. You know, it's like, I love talking. This is great. You know, I'm talking to people. You know where you you really don't have that much time left. You know what I mean. You know, because the great thing about I'm seventy three I've been sober for you know, I'm in my forty second year of sobriety. And and well, I you say that. You say stuff like that, you know, to let people know that you can actually do it. But yeah, I always feel kind of it's not a big deal. I feel kind of always feel kind of crazy about doing them plaudes. I appreciate it, you guys. You know, I had nothing to do with it. If I had my way, I'd be dead a long time ago. But in any event, um so, I mean I just love sort of sharing uh my deal. This is what we're supposed to do. We share stories and stuff like that, and so it's great to be here and uh be with you guys, and I do see, God, I see a lot of people that I've known over the years. And I am seventy three. I'm married. The facts, you know, this is the factful stuff, and I've been married for like forty two years or something like that. My Wife's going up, I'm going up with her to the alanin convention. Our ladies have perpetro movie avenge, you know, the Alani handshake. You know, uh, she doesn't right and she doesn't mean an often step when I'm wrong, she probably admits it. So I'm gonna be going up there. Were speaking at the one on one club and I'm going up there. I'm I'm gonna do a like a little something at the convention. But uh, it's uh, but she's hard to work at all and she does a lot of that stuff. Now I want to apologize for the people at home on zoom. There is something wrong with the Internet here. I I noticed, because I'm looking at it, that I appear, I'm sure at home, to be an over uh and overweight old guy. You know that's there is a problem with the underdend of this room. We're gonna try to screen it out. You guys in the back that can't see me. I have silver blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and we about a hundred and eighty pounds. I'm sick foot ball. Okay, so it's I know. We got that out of the way. So I'M gonna share a couple of things. We're gonna see out fast I can get ticked out of this room. I'm going for a ret, get have a little room or after four talks. You know, I think I'm engine Jesus or something and I don't know what I did. But the good thing about talking to older people, you know, and uh, I don't see any young people here. I mean I'm sure there's I think young here is like forty five or something, but the good thing about talking to people that listen. I gotta you gotta excuse me. I have no social graces. I just say what's on my heart. You understand. I don't need to have the books here or anything like that. I'm just gonna talk about my experience. You know, my sponsor once told me the way you have a good aim and he should just you just sincere and once you learn how to fake that, you've got made. And I'm just gonna the great thing, saying what's on your heart. There's nothing canned here anything like that. Is Is. You know, I always pray. I didn't pray yet I always. I'm gonna have to Lord me, the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, my Lord, my savior, and thank you very much. And so that's the deal. I gotta give credit to God, because he's the reason I'm here. He's the reason for everything. We've got four kids and eight grandkids, raise them all sober and uh, you know, and we're gonna talk a little bit about that. And I know you guys are sort of expected. I know what you're expecting. Who knows? But you know, these steps series. I've been doing it for like thirty three or five years there, you know, and I used to do it I used to be really good at it. I mean no, I used to actually do it the way you're supposed to be done. But you get old, they don't really do. I don't really do the steps, and I mean I don't like can say I don't do them, but it's like wax on here. Here's where the story is. When you first come into alcoholics anonymous, the steps, steps are so different and so weird and you so don't understand them and they still don't make that sense and you don't understand why you have to do them or how you do them, what you do. When I agonized over the fourth step, how do I do this? A fit. And then then you do them and then you realize that they're sort of like templates, their tools to get to a place, and the only thing I want to share with you here is really the place I've gotten too. I want to share the destination. There's too many people that are that are you know, see, I go off on these tangents. I'm gonna let's go off at the time tree. One of the...

...things I've seen in the last forty one and a half years is I got a gazillion people that are have under twenty years. A gazillion people that have under twenty years. I mean I'm like that farmer's commercial. I know a lot because I've seen a lot and uh, I don't know everything, but I know a few things. And Uh, there's a gazillion people with less than twenty years. Um, a lot of people. And you've probably heard this. I had eleven years and then I dry. I had five years and then I drank. I had three years and then I dry. I've been around eight for forty years and now I've got ninety days. There are a lot of people that get time. It's it's interesting to come to meet. You know, at first, when I used to hear of a guy who had thirty years or twenty years or fifteen years who drank, I said, well, he obviously, because I'm so smart, he obviously didn't do the first step. You know, I'm saying, waits and did. Some guy hangs around here for fifteen years since day sober and he didn't do the first time. I mean if it was only the first step, I mean this, we wouldn't have we wouldn't have a big book. You'd have like a bumper sticker or something. I don't know what it is. It's and then I realized that there's something going on here that's mysterious that you can't clean. There's a lot of things going on here that you can't clean with your mind. In the First Act, act one, scene one of Hamlet, hamlet says to her ratio, after he's describing seeing his father's ghost. He says, you know, there are more things than having on the Earth to meet with your philosophy, which is to say, we think in inside of a little box and we think we're smart and the important stuff we don't know. We just don't know, you know, and that's the deal, and we can't accept the fact we don't know and we so want to really understand this stuff because we're sure that if we're because all our folks are brilliant, they know everything, which shows sure that we understand and do the perfect for step, the perfect is to do this, will everything will work out like a rolling eased in the big book says it all where he says he goes to the greatest psychiatrist in the world, he's sober for six months, six whatever the hell it is in Europe, and then he says this, he gradually says. Now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, drinking was impossible. Next line is nevertheless, he was drunk in a few weeks he went through Paris and that was the end of that, you know. And so this conception that are thinking our brain can get us well, when that's the reason, that's the reason we're so sick. We never quite understand what the second step really said. You see people read the big book but they don't really understand the big book. You know, you can see something for nine, Ninety nine times and then see it for the thousand time and understand it for the first time. And that's the way it works. You're ten, fifteen years sobering to read a line of a big book they've read a many times to say, holy sh it, now I know what they're saying. Most people don't understand the second step. They think it had something to with open mindsedness and they talked about here's let me let me explain. Well, and I may not be listen, it's like a kaleidoscope. I mean there's different means. At Different Ages you see different things. It's like growing up. You're three year old. You understand what the three year old understanding. You're ten years old. You had to stay with a ten year old. You're twenty five years yeah, you're you're sixty, seventy years old. You see things differently because you've experienced things differently and experiences everything. Well, the man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. We're talking about the experience. And so a has been around for over ninety years. I want you to think about this. It's been around for over ninety years and something happens. I'M gonna use the twenty year period. You know, it's could be loosened some withine. Happens between twenty years and forty years? Twenty years and thirty five years, there's there's this giant Grand Canyon. Ralcohols fall into the abyss and they're not around. So Ralph Bolics are not around. Doesn't happen before twenty years. Happens after twenty years. Nobody is sober until somewhere around forty years, and then you've got two guys. Since he's been around for ninety years and I understand what it means to be sober in a a a sober man, an a a, a man who is grateful for God, to God, like Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me hearing me of this stemble disease that I gotta keep talking about until on the other people, the man who is identicated not only ungrateful for his sobriety, but his his only purpose in life is to is to get close to God and perform his works, well, knowing his works are, to be the good Sumaritan and to be where he has planted and trying to help the next guy, because he's not no longer selfish, he's unselfish. And men like that who get to that point, we're rocking him. The fourth dimension of existence, who are experiencing much of them, who know peace, who aren't just members of the not drinking club, which ninety people in the are, but their members of the...

...rocket and Fourth Dimension Club, men who have their entire life is that trying to humbly ask God to remove any defective character that keeps them from becoming like him. Men, men who are basically in the sixth step, are trying for their entire life to change so they can grow in the image and likeness of their creator. Those men, those men, they're not around because somewhere between twenty years and forty years is this giant can Ganyon, and it's called the six step gang, where everybody's talking about drunken logs and nobody's talking about faithful logs and everybody gets mad when you talk about God and nobody quite understands that the sickness that one of the symptoms. UN Let's enuntil an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism in all its consequences, his sobriety will be precarious. In the true happiness will fund not at all. And one are the consequence of being in alcoholic as you hate God and you hate people that talk about God and you hate people to talk to you about God, that's a sign that you're not so, not emotionally sober. If that bonds you what I just said, because I'm here to bother people. If I'm not pissing off people, if then I'm walking out here and say who divide that asshole? What does he think he is, then I'm not saying anything that's worthwhile, because now you've a sending of the real stuff. I learned in hear was learned by listening to guys that and telling me stuff that I hated him. You know, if you knew how much I how how happy it makes me feel that you're walking out. If you're hating me and you can't get me out of your mind and I'm I don't even remember who you are, but you're hating me. You would not hate me because you want to. Wouldn't want to give me the satisfaction. You understand, because I know what happens. You hate somebody because of what they said. And you know the spiritual axiom said whenever you're the certain no matter what the cause or something wrong with you. So you gotta look something keep inside me. Why do I hate that guy? What does that pound at this person out whatever? And if you're a sober person, you work on that thing real hard to see what disturbs you. Do you think it's me? It's not me, but if you work real hard you'll ultimately come to the conclusion. You might come to the conclusion. You know, that asshole was right. And then any years now, if I'm still alive, will come up and he says, you know what, used to hate you, but now I love you, and here's a good part. I won't disturb you anymore, but everybody in your life that has traits like me who is now disturbed you, won't disturb you either. And you've got to figure out why you're disturbed by everything and everybody in your life, and if you can knock those pins down, you'll be at peace with the world and no person will ever be able to hurt you. So listen, you've got to be anybody who disturbs you has given you a spiritual M R I and telling you there's something separating you from God. You know that's the deal. So this is the canyon, I'll call it. I call it a six step Tangon and uh, and they just sort of fall into it, because if they has been rount for ninety years and people are staying sober and they're growing in the image and likeness of their creator, who's just a servant that serves us, loves us and we're unselfish, then there should be about forty people or forty years in this room. You got a lot of old people in this room. You got may there may be some people with a lot of people forty years, but most of them so I go there's nobody and this maybe two people with thirty years maybe, and there's like between twenty and forty. It's like a vast forget, hardly anybody. And then all of a sudden you get to between twenty and down, all of a sudden they start popping up. One year a lot of people, two years, a lot three or four or five, a lot of people doesn't. But Man, I'll tell you, after twenties audios and they really should be here. And I was talking to Andy t up in and up when we were up in MIL walk. I was doing a banking up there and H he was I don't know what the statistics statistics where. You heard that the statistics I once was told and I saw, I read it was one and a half of one percent. One in two hundred makes twenty years and more. And he said, you know, they really can't sort of boil. The way they do it is they figure out in any section how many people are ordering battalions and there's a gazillion one years and a gazillion two years and five years and tenure. And when you get to twenty and twenty five and thirty, you know that kind of thing it's like nothing. It's like one half of one percent or something twenty, like nomadawians. You know. Now you could think, well, they're all dead, and that's not true. You could say, well, they're they're sober, but they're someplace else. But you know that's not true, because sober people who have gotten to there, you know, are doing this thing. You know, what they live for is to help other people. Don't leave here, they stay here. There may be one or two they leave, but they stayed here because they don't don't say I'm now, I'm gonna get my something up,...

...because that's not emotionally sober, you know. And Yeah, so and and you know, sometimes somebody will say, I used to think this. The GUY would say everybody would slip. And said, well, why did you say? Well, I stopped going to meetings. I said, Oh, I got it, I got it. I'm never gonna stop going to meetings. I'll never slip. But I forget. I never asked the next question because I forget that ten years before this, that guy was sitting in a meeting saying I just never stopped going to meetings. You know, he was saying the same thing. And the real question is not that just stopped going to meetings, not that he stopped speaking to his sponsors, stopped helping people. Real question is, why did he do that? And the reason he did that is because this disease is more than just drinking. Drinking is not even the disease. If you're sober, listen, I I have recovered from a hopeless sense of mind and body. Here's all the sense of mind and body. You Get up in the morning and you after ten years, fifteen years of drinking, I don't give a crap how long you've been drinking. You got up in the morning and you say to yourself sincerely, I'm not gonna drink today, and by five o'clock you're drinking and you're drunk. So you get up the next one you say I'm not gonna buy a looker today and by five o'clock you're drunk and you're buying liquor. And if you get up the morning and say I'm not gonna go to bar today, by five o'clock at the Bar, and it happens over and over again, you know, I'm not gonna buy a booze today and you're search of four o'clock, you're searching with dives, nickels and quarters so you can buy a court bottle of Carlos Russi Gente sit at your photograph at that time and play your alcay songs like only the lonely Ramas. They're blue or rads and Sundays, and think about that girl and those girls and what they did and why they did it and who they're with and why. You think about your funeral a little bit. You know all the people are there and you feel so guilty because of the way they treated you and you feel sorry for yourself and you know, and yeah, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like, and that's a hopeless state of mind the body, when you can't when you can't stop drinking. You know, that's how I came into alcoholics anonymous. I came into alcoholics anonymous on the symptom. I didn't come in on the disease. I didn't understand the disease. I came in on the symptom. There's nothing I'm gonna say here that is not I think you can check, not put forth in the big book about Bolics, and obviously know what it says the big book. It says our alcohol conception is but a symptom. And in almost every a room in the country, which is why we have a big problem in a nobody's really staying sober pissed twenty years. In every room in the country, all they do is they talk about the symptom. Don't drink, even if your ask falls off, you know, don't drink and go to meetings. You know you can have you know you can do funk up the whole day. You know what I mean. But if you haven't had a drink, your success and you know all those things are good, because I stayed sober on a lot of those things for five years of TAME years. But the problem is those things just deal with the so it's all all the conventions. Everything is about drunk a logs, and I used to love drunken logs. I think it's possible maybe that I can still do my old drunk logs. They were great, I'm telling you. I did some great drunk logs, you know, and then I drank and then I drank and then I drank it then I drank. They're great for conventions. What it was like, what happened when it's like now, you've spent about twenty thirty minutes on what it's like. It's so crazy. People are laughing. That what happened then, when it's like now and and it's all drunk a logs. And somewhere around u there's no faith a logs. There's no faith a lot, just drunk a lot. Because don't you know, if you talk about God, you're gonna kill a newcomer. You're murdering newcomers. And you think, you think if there as many faith a logs as that we're drunk logs, would have list people with eleven, twelve, fifteen years to drink it, because you get to a point where you have this glass fealing and you've got fifteen years and you've got eighteen years and you've got twenty years and you're going to meetings and all to do is talking about problems and they're talking about drunk logs and they're talking about not drinking and that isn't your problem. The meetings start becoming irrelevant. You go to the meetings, but it's almost like going to jail. The excitement, you know, the enthusiasm that you first had when you came in is gun because what you have you don't even know and you can't even explain it. All you know is, once again you're worried about the money and once again you're worried about being lonely. And all you know was, once again, you know, you're you're worried about your wife, if you're, your children or the things in your life, or you're anxious or you're board or you feel like you're failure or you're talking to yourself, like Alki's talk to themselves. I'm such a piece of ship to kill Mymselves, you know, and you turn around to see who's saying that crap too, and you're the only one in the show. And you know you got this committee going on in your head and there's a million...

...different voices telling you all sort of different things and they're all bad things about yourself and other people. And nothing has and it has nothing to do with alcohol, nothing to do with drinking alcohol, except it has everything to do with drinking alcohol. And all you do is you go to a meeting to see whether the meeting is going to help you or something like that, and all you hear is people talk about don't drink for their problems or stuff like that, and nobody is talking about the problem that you have and you've got ten years and you're not talking about it because you wouldn't even know what to talk about, because everybody knows you're the guy with ten or fifteen years and you're doing the steps that night. They're gonna tell them that you feel like blowing your brains out and you're not rocking in the fourth dimension of existence because, well, you don't even know why you're not gonna tell but because of fear of what, what they're going to think about you. And so obviously you know you haven't gotten to that point where they you that promised when they said you will lose fear of people and other than who lose fear of people and of economic and security? And you've been doing this stupid thing for ten years and fifteen years and you've been doing it by the numbers and you're nowhere. You're in a vast rate and you don't even realize you're about to drink. It's not gonna happen now, it's gonna Happen Ten years down the road, because you're running around, you're doing all the stuff you were told to do that would keep you sober and you know what it's doing. It's actually keeping you. So that's why you're not drinking, because you're still sponsored people, going up to people, but you're doing it by the numbers. You're not doing it because you're happy about it. You're not a happy guy. And so it says in the big book. You're in there once in a while a former drink that says feel better, look better, having better time to laughing. Such a sally. We noble will try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety sooner no, loneliness is if you do, and it's only because you don't have any friends. You don't if anybody who can find it, and nobody's telling you what's really wrong with you. And the newcomers are doing okay because they're just trying to stay sober, drinking one day at a time. But the guys at Eleven, twelve and fifteen hears they're drinking or they're or they're leaving meetings because there's nothing in the meetings and all of a sudden the world is picking them off, the world they clamors, because the bottom line is you don't even realize this, but it says in the big book and the last page he says God will show you how to get the fellowship. You pray and you don't even know you need fellowship. You Crave Fellowship, Spiritual Fellowship. But if you can't get spiritual to fellowship, you'll hang out with the guys at the Bar, you'll hang out with somebody that's gonna give you another type of crop fellowship, the central fellowship, Romantic Fellowship, Money Fellowship. It'll be the worldly stuff like Bill Wilson talks about, the fudge. Next thing you know you're trying to gain satisfaction by the same thing you were doing when you were before you even got solder. You're just trying to get more money, more things and more stuff. And then you're back in an a meeting maybe, if you're lucky, you know, five years down the road, saying, you know, I had ten, fifteen years, I stopped going to knees going back again, and you like that guy. You know, and you just don't really understand, because you never understood, because you never utterly surrender. You understand what I'm saying. And so what you have to understand is you say you've got the symptom of the disease, which is drinking, and then you've got the DIS ease that centers in your mind on your body. And so you got the second step, which everybody thinks it has to do with open mindedness, which that's good the way. That's a good place to start. But you understand you're in a spiritual kindergarten. You're in kindergarten. For God's says, you're in kindergarten as a spiritual kindergarten. You know what it means. It means. Let me say what it means. It means you're in a spiritual kindergarten. Here, like this is a kindergarten class for three year olds. You understand, three or four year olds, you're in a kindergarten. But some people want to get to the first grade, of the second grade, or maybe even high school or guests say college or maybe post graduate. They want to go out, but they can't. They can't leave m they can't grow up, they can't become the man. They have to stay the boys. You know why? Because of the crabs, of course, of the crabs, because if you've ever been crabbing and you catch a crab and you put it in the bucket, the crab will crawl out of the bucket. But the only way to keep the crab in the bucket is you catch another crab and you put it in the bucket. Two. So you got two crabs in the bucket and as soon as the first crab tries to crawl out of the bucket, as long as he tries to crall it, the second crab grabs him and pulls him back. Then so somebody, somebody, read something in the book about utterly, you know, utterly abandon yourselfing God. Obviously that everything or he's nothing. Great. Facts is this and nothing less. God has to become the centred fact in their life. You have to be convinced that he lives in the hard mind which you be miraculous, doing for you what you can't do for yourself. Above everything, we must getting...

...rid of the sulpicious, who must sort kills us. God makes that possible. It seems no other way of getting rid of it. You know they read that part about the book. It says God will once we sincerely make a decision, not just make a decisions, sincerely do it, and you'll nobody sincerely do it by how you act. You know and if you apologize for God and you're scared of God, you're not sincerely doing it because because we never apologize for God. It says that twice. All all men of faith have courage. They trust their God, them demonstrating his life and they what he can do. So if you make that sincere decision for God, if you do that, then you know that God will give you everything you need if you stay close to your farmers work well, and his work is to help other people and to spread this message. But you're trying to find out about that and they would crawl out of the bucket and some guy in a room that looks like he has some time. He's got eleven years or something exactly. He says. You know, I heard you talk about the God thing. You know, you're killing newcomers. You know, we don't talk about that stuff. In the end, you're allowed to say you're an atheist. You can say you don't believe in God, you can say you're an agnostic. We won't criticize you for that. I mean, we welcome you, we applaud that ship, you know. You know, we we you know. Now I know the book says this sort of thing. It has to be abandoned, but we applaud that stuff. When you start talking about God, you're gonna get the shipping that and everybody name knows that. And so we all stay in the crap and the bucket of crabs. And a few people, everyone's while have the courage because for some reason they lose fear of other people. You know, I'd be scared. I'M gonna be scared of some guy who's sitting next to me a name meeting. There's n pay my Visa Bill. You know what I mean. Alcoholics are delusional. They sit around telling themselves ship like don't give a crap with other people think about me. Alcoholics will actually say stuff like that. They'll tell other people I say that doesn't I don't give a crap what they think about me. I don't give a crap. I can say that drunk, I can say that sober. Sometimes I say it to myself. I don't give a correct but everybody knows that people that say I don't give a probably live. People think about me. All they do is think about what other people think about it, because people that really don't give a crap what other people think about them don't say that ship. They say things like past and catch up, but they don't say that crap, you know. And so the bottom line is we are just so delusion of so say. And you know something, that stuff happens sober and that is something that centers in your mind, not your body. And so we got this book that says chapter to the agnostics and atheists and this is what it says. It says of a mere code of morals to the next right thing or a new philosophy of life. Ah, what's the new philosophy of life? Good, orderly direction. That's the philosophy of life, as that alcoholics know how to do. That ship would have saved us. We'd be so long time afore. But they didn't save us. Are Thinking. Didn't save us. Some rolls in the same loss. None of that stuff to save us. Lack of power is our dilemma. We don't really actend that lack of path of thing. We want to play God. They talk about you. We have to stop playing God. We want to play God. We're dying to play God. I don't like the God we had. Lack of power is our dilemma. We had to found the power greater than ourselves. That would help us with this, and that is why we wrote a book where, of course they use the word, of course we have to talk about God. And here's the next of God. Lets here isn't Ye, you're allows God and so and so we had to talk about God, and the next line, the next line, we had to talk about God. The next line is this. Here's where the problem arises, because alcoholics hate God, because one of the keys and one of the symptoms of alcoholics is they despise God. They despise the solution, than the solution. They don't say it exactly that way. They say something like the bristles in our neck roll up, you know what I mean? They'd say we happy and they give all the reasons because we were shoved into it and told bad things about God and whatever that means, it doesn't matter. The point is one of the symptoms of being an alcohol one of the consequences, sa Hate God. And so when people come up to you and say well and what they say, one of the one of the signs that you're emotionally mature and emotionally sober is you lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. You Begin to see where religious people are right. You know, you don't have contempt, you don't have a resentment. When your twenty years sober and you're still pissed off with the Catholic Church, what the Fund is wrong with you? You know I don't consider those people sober. I don't consider people sober. If you got a heart off of the guy, there's something wrong with you. You gotta figure that out. You know, I don't give a ship. When you have twenty or thirty years you're piste...

...off of the church. You want to say bad things about the church. I'm not just gonna say bad things about everything. We're all screwed up. There's something wrong if that's keeping you from God. I feel sorry for you. You know why? Because Bill, because Dr Bobb said, if you're an atheist agnostic, I have some sort of intellectual pride where you can't understand what the hell we're trying to tell you. I feel sorry for Your heavenly father will never let you down. I don't even crap. Have Conference approved. I talked about founders approved. I know what the founders approved because I read Dr Botten the good old time, because I know what they were doing. And so we come to this thing called the second step. I've already talked about the first step. You might have missed it because I don't talk about I don't. I really I drank myself into the first step. I don't know if any other way of doing I really don't. I don't know if any other way I'm doing the first step. And you can say I'm wrong, you can say where, you can say you could teach somebody the first step. I don't necessarily believe it, but you can say that. I just don't. I drank. I'm not saying it because you can have guys in a twenty years and say I learned the first step right. There's something about me that thinks that that somehow it's an experiential thing, if it's gonna last, if it's gonna make a real impression on you understand. I guess you could probably get to the point and say yes, I see, and you sort of accepted and all that sort of stuff, but there's nothing like the desperation in the pain, nothing like the desperation of the pain. You know what I mean? And if you you hate me for that, you just have to work on that. You have to talk to your sponsor about that ship. I'll tell you. Don't worry about you doesn't know what he's thought about. You know, and I probably don't. You know. I just say ship just to get your say. You know what I mean. sudden you're you're sitting there and, uh, all of a sudden you're sitting there and you're on the second step. Was the first step, which is in the second step. That's what happened in one day. One day after I the bore to my wife and everything like that, and less my kids and did all the damage I could possibly do because I was decided that they were holding me back and I was gonna become the UF the Miami and I and then I ended up being alone at three o'clock in the morning on Christmas morning, in one by myself, after everybody deserted me. I thought my life was over. I was thirty one years old and never got better again. I turned on the TV set. It was some pretty sure talking about, you know, the Gospel and sharing the Gospel message, and he was in and I'm a sucker for Testimon he was talking about how what it was like from what happened and he says you really want Your Life Change, you get down on your knees and it would come to your life. I was down on my knees in a shot. I asked Jesus to come to my life. And I'm a Jewish kid from great neck New York. You know what I mean. It's kind of how to how to be in at the time and I really had to be there. If you were there at the time you'd understand what the story was. I was, um, how lucky was a preacher and not Harry Christians. I'd be down at the airport night right now. You know of it and they may have something there for them, but I don't know. But the bottom line is is that, and I'm not saying that sort of thing. Last I didn't really think much happened because five guys, you know, five priests and rabbis, didn't come down with Duncan donuts saying we've got a name and can go here. I continue to drink for a month and then I almost died and almost killed myself and somebody else and I looked up and said God help me, and something happened. I don't know what, something happened. The best way I can explain it, nobody knows why they're sober. Nobody. Nobody knows why they're sober. If you know why you're sober, if you really know why you're sober, you're full of ship because you don't know why. You're saying you have no idea. One day you couldn't stop drinking, the next day you stop drinking. You don't have a clue. So I mean so I'm willing to accept the fact and stuff. I don't know. This has to do with drn it's a God thing, you know. And the bottom line is, so I'm giving a gift. But you know something, you can rip that gift up and you can throw it away. You can throw you can throw that what I ruined thing you can throw back up the way. And so then what happens is you come today and they talk about something called the second step. And Uh, and the second step, I think, correct me wrong, because I forget that, because what happens with the steps is you do them over and over and over and over and over and over again, over and over and over over again. You know the spiritual axiom. You finally accept that you're absolutely acceptance being true, you get, I don't know when it happens, in ten years for you accept his nature. Whatever. You're disturbed, no matter what the cause or something wrong with you. So the next person that disturbs you, that lasts for about five seconds and then the first thing you say is, what the Hell is wrong with me? Why does that bother me? And maybe you write it down, maybe you check it with the sponsor and you got you and after while you're just do it in your mind. Why is that guy said? And you're figure out. That's why, because I'm worried about the mind. Whatever it is you just it's not that you don't do the steps. They become second nature. They're always second nature. Your first nature is to get a machine Eddie and...

...chopping the heads off. You know what I mean. You know. But the second nature takes over and it's not that you're doing the steps, you're living the steps. You're leaving the big book, you're thinking for the step, you're thinking fifth step, you're talking fifth step. You're having conversations with people. It sounds like the fifth step. You know what I mean. The people are talking to you about there anymouey. You're you're helping people. You're not doing the twelfth step. This is just what you do. You just sit there and try to encourage people, help them or kick them in the ASID. It's just you just become the deal. You are the Good Samaritan. You don't go out and say how can I be the Good Samaritan? You are that guy. You know what I mean. You go to meetings, you don't go to meet same motions. You need a meeting, even though we all need to meet, but I needed this meeting. It's not that we don't need me. We need a meeting. You go to meets because that's where you can best help people. You're looking for you're sitting on an airplane and you're hoping that guys sit next to you as a drinking problem, because your whole life. Because you don't. You don't give a ship about going to Vegas. You don't give a crap about going on about you don't give a crap. All you care about is there a person I can help and get. This is where it gets really weird. It gives you a great deal of pleasure, man. You would rather help people then get laid. That's when you've really got over. The fucking time's coming. You Ain't coming back. You know what I mean? You just got such a kick out of doing God's work and helping people and God with God, that kind of thing. So, so so than you do this second sep so the second step says correct me. I from came to believe that a power greater than ourselves, ourselves, could restore us to sanity. And so did I get that? To Sanity, because I get that right. So came to the laby. That about, because it restore us to sanity, you know. But listen to me now, here's here's what you don't realize that you you that you don't need to be restored to sanity unless you're insane. Now people sort of sluff off that because in the second step read you're insane. You know, they wouldn't find into that because you know, alcohols are very well defended. You can't tell an alcohol you're insane, you're stupid or there's something wrong with you or anything like that, because they'll fight you. It's so well defended. You know, we don't have a story. When you come here. The story is like, well, it's not my fault, I'm not playing you don't understand. You know, Blah, blah, blah. You know how we get our stories in here. You know we learned about our disease. You're sitting in a meeting like this, you're listen to some guy talking. You sell the man that guy is crazy, and then all of a sudden the story comes a crush your mind. Holy Sh it, I was doing that last week. You know what I mean. It's like you gotta come at him at the side. You know, they hear some crazy stuff and they realize, man, I was doing that stuff, man, I'm crazy. You know what I mean. And and you start giving a sense that this, this disease, is more than just drinking. Drinking may only be the symptom of the disease and if people drink after eleven or twelve or fifteen years or five years, it's not. It's not because of the drinking disease. It's not because the craving. Craving is when you're drink and then you have another one, another one. But if you have any drinking five years, why do you pick up a drink? You pick up a drink because you're insane, because you have never dealt with the true disease which centers in your mind on your body, the disease where you spend money you don't have buying sheet, you don't need to impress people you don't even like. The DIS ease where you're worry about what people think about you. The Real, true disease where you tell yourself alsos to bullshit and lies and you heard other people and you make decisions based on self which put you in a position to be heard. Selfishness, self centerness. That, we think, is the real problem. Driven, driven it we're on automatic pilot. You don't make a decision. Driven. You know what by? By a thousand four it's a hundred forms of fear. If you even know two forms, you're missing an idea. A hundred forms of we're delusional, selfish. Yourself said that's the root of our trump and driven by a hundred forms and fear. Self delutions, helf seeking. We stepped on tolls others. They retaliates seemingly without provocation. But we learned that somewhere in the past we've made a decision based on oneself, selfishness, which puts us the addition to hurt. So in alcohol its itself. Over right, though, he usually doesn't think so. So most S alocoholics won't even see this stuff. Above everything, he must get rid of it self. We must, or kills us. Above everything, he must get yourself. And then it says God makes that possible. Oh, that's right, but you can't talk about that because the cramps will bring you down and tell you're killing new comers. And what's happening? Fill you guys who eleven years and you're telling him they can't talk about it age because, hey, it's not exactly. By the way, this fellowship, Great Fellowship. I love it. It's not wealth people's anonymous clean on that. It's not really. This is this is...

...let's get it's like get, let's get a whole bunch of insane people together, you know what I mean, and see how they're doing. Oh Jesus, this is unbelievable. Alcoholics, alcoholics. You know what can I tell you? We're we're we're great, you know, and it's amazing. So that's the deal. So so somehow, somewhere long and when you when you learn that, when you get sober, you get physically sober. And for years in Hey, I thought I was sober because I was sober because you know there's there's anybody on a white, red green birthday night. Uh the happy birthday to you. Here's your one year, here's your five years, or ten years or fifteen years. I'm sober. It's all important, it's all great. It's great for newcomer and you're sober and you know you're sober. Sober because you've got all these medallions. So you know, you know what I mean. You Work Your program all work my programs. You don't understand that every time you wake up, every mind you said, if I only had a new girlfriend, if I had any if I only had more sex, if I only had a new wife, I only had this, if I only had that, if I only had the car, if only this, and then you're on trying to get all that ship in your life and you find you don't get it and you're mad, or you do get it and then it wears off from five seconds off to the other one. And then if all the INF a only and you don't even realize that every time you say, if only I had this, I'd be okay, that you're really telling yourself this. I'm not okay, I'm not okay. I'm not okay over and over again, and you're never okay. And the truth of matter is is the man who has God is always okay. You're okay right now, but you don't realize you're okay because deep down inside you have this thing going on because like car, like, uh, what's your face? Of the doctors about his name? Already? No, no, manager, problem, manager said, he said alcoholics and men and women were out to destroy themselves. So somehow, deep down inside, even though you think the greatest to grow, when you really think it's your pieces year, as a matter FA when you call yourself names in front of the mirror and say I'm such a loser, I'll Nena be okay. I mean you look about, where is that coming from? That's coming from you. That's your reputation of you with you. That's what you really think about yourself, with all the cover ups and all the bullshit. You know without any question, if they really knew who you were, they'd hate your guys. And so you're trying to blend because if you're an alcoholic here, please love me, a haulic, please don't hate me, a Halk, don't lay it from me, a halic. Don't talk about behind your black halt, which is keeps you quiet. Today you're not gonna talk about God because you know they'll all laugh at you, and God forbid, and the last thing in alcoholic wants is people laughing at you, laughing at him. What a sorry life to live. Your entire life worry about whether you look good to other people and whether they accept you. You can't talk like this. You know you never do this stuff, because I never talked to a group. I only talk to him. The only thing I think about when I walked out of the door is like, did I did I do right by now? Did I say what he wants me to say? It's not about whether you like or not, because most people in a R can stay sober, but this we wanted to hear this thing and figure this thing out, you know. And so you start realizing over a period of time because because of repeated humiliations, and there's all big book stuff and twelve the time, because of repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our self sufficiency, what happens? You get a new perspective of your disease, because the first step in getting that jail is you got to know you're in jail in the first place. It's one thing to know you're in the alcohol jail. There's nothing to know that you're in the insanity jail and your brain is really the thing that's screwing you up. So that's the problem, because alcoholics think that's so smart they can figure this thing out. So it's difficult to get an alcohol who's the biggest pride is I'm smart and I'm smarter than you, and you're the ending yourself on that, to understand how insane they really are. And that's what's holding your back. And that's a hard thing to give up, because if you give up your brain, and the only way that, the only sign you give it up your brain, is if you start following us, following another man or another woman, and start doing what he tells you to do. And that's a difficult thing too. But I don't know many people and he doesn't get anywhere where. They can't point to a sponsor. But different people in life saying you told me to do this and I did it. And most of the time they tell you do something, you think they're crazy but you end up doing and then you find out they're right and if you're incapable of, if you're incapable of loving another man or another woman and putting yourself in their hands and doing what they say and follow the direction, how are you're ever gonna believe in a God or follow his directions or be disciplined by him? How are you ever gonna be Mature Enough? You'RE gonna be like children, you know, and that's the deal. And there's so much more to this deal. And over a period of time you learn more and more and more and more repeated humiliations over a lifetime. That gives you a new perspective.

So the only thing that's different about me really is, you know, I'm not. You know I mean, I'm in my forty second year of sobriety. You know what that means. That means I've had the ship pounded out of me for forty two years. You know what I mean. All that means is I've got a completely different perspective on things. That are different than the guy with ten years, eleven years. But so I'm gonna speak differently. You understand, my story has changed. My story used to be and then I drank and then I drank it down. I drank it was all about to drink it for five, ten years. Bill will said. Everybody gets this point. That gets time. Billi wasn't the twenty three years sobriety. The leader of the band everything. You know what I mean. Ten, ten years sobriety. You know what's going down to twos. Is gonna come into suicide. It was gonna drink. It was going crazy's gonna understand? He wrote an essay. He finally figured it out. He finally figured it out. He wrote an essay and the essay was about emotional sobriety. He said this physical surpriet mostly, and one of the things he said he said alcohols. The real problem is where where is? We're addicted on healthy dependencies. Is unhealthy dependency. Was a a. He is not my God. You know, my sponsor is not my God. The conference is not my God. You know what I mean? My God. There is one who has all power, one that one is God and made you find him now. My God has all power and the closer you get to get him, the more you realize that he really exists and he's in your life. You know, the bottom line is, the more things there up, very hard thing for alcoholics to grasp to do that deal. So I'M gonna I'M gonna end this with one thing. I don't know. I probably Oh, look, almost done. So I'm an end with London. I have. I have a bunch of people that I love. A lot of them are onto zoom and everything like that that I get to be with. I love the zoom I I gotta be honest with I'm very I go to do a lot of these meetings, but I love zoom meetings. Hey, you why? Because I can go on zoom. I am no longer geographically bound to go to meeting, meetings that are near me. I can hook up to a meeting where there's people from all over the planet. You're from, they're from Australia, you know, they're from France, you know, they're from England, they're from New York, they're from Las Vegas, and the only reason they're together besides being alcoholicist, they're like blinded. So I can go to a group where I can talk about God the way I want to talk about God. That is the central fact of my life and nobody's rolling their eyes, nobody's saying I don't want to hear that crafty killing news coming because they're all unified and on the same page. So I love the zoom thing, you understand. So with my my my people on on what's up and everything, I passed something to them today and I want to hear I'm gonna just I'm gonna ask you a question, and this is right out of the video. So I want to ask you the same question I wrote to them. So just give me a moment to find this baby, if I can. Actually had it up on my phone, but I, as all things, I lost them. Let me read you something that I wrote today because I wanted you to this is a this is a question that I just want you to think about it. Okay, thank you, super find it. Oh okay, so let me ask you this question. There's a question, right. There's a big book question. It's like you read the big book over and over again, Blob with flower and Dr about the good old time, and you were going in for a test, a big book test. Okay, and it's one question, and this is the question. If a man or a woman is living on a new basis of trusting and relying upon God, if his or her attitude is one of never apologizing for his faith in God, if he has the courage, as all men of God do, and instead of hiding his faith, he demonstrates what God has done for him in his life, if he indeed loses all resentment against God and organized religion, if he can see where religious people are right, if God is everything to him and he has abandoned himself utterly to God, if he has made a sincere decision where God and desires to grow in the image and likeness of God and have God remove any defect that separates him from God, if he needs to carry this message to others, what would that man or woman sound or look like? What would that man or woman sounder look like in the natural evolution of his character? What would he become? What would he become would you? Would he be a guy? Would it be a guy...

...in meeting saying well, if they had said that to me, I would have walked out of would you be a guy in meetings that's rolling his eyes every time? Would you be a guy meeting that just hates it? Well, what would then? What would you expect a guy who was like imbued with this a an to look like? What do you want to look like? You WANTA Youa you want to check that out because you wanted something that describes your destination. If you're looking for a different destination, you're in the wrong organization. If your destination is just don't drink and go to meetings, let me tell you something. You'RE gonna drink. I trust me. You'RE gonna drink. If that's your destination. That wasn't Dr Bob's destination. He said he wrote the thing. Think he wrote the thing. First things first, seeking first, the King of God and his righteousness, and all things will be all things will be given to you, added to you. I wasn't St Francis is. Everybody likes you in St Francis Prayer. That wasn't the St Francis's definition. What can'll tell you? It just wasn't. Yeah, well, it wasn't. Bill Dotson alcoholics out of the number three destination when he wrote the Golden Test. You know when they when they say we will surely meet some of you as we trudge the road to happy destiny, you might want to figure out what happy, happy destiny looks like, what happy destiny may look like for us for doing this thing. So thank you very much,.

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