AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 6 months ago

Russell S. at the 12 Step House 12/4/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at the 12 Step House Old Timers Meeting Fort Lauderdale FL December 4th 2021

So my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and haven't found it as Sarah drink since January twenty one, nineteen eighty one, I think. I think that's right. Well, I can tell you this. I have a cardinal rule. I never drink at least forty eight hours before a meeting. So I can tell him I don't have my memory shot. I'm seventy two years old. It's Ober for me. I'll talk about the senility in a second. I've been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. So I'm my wife, my lovely wife is is remember the Celtixia Group? By the way. That's my lovely one. Stand up for a second, Sweetie, stand up, stand up, stand up. Let me see the Babe I married. I've been married for what? I'm in my forty one year is probably I've been married for over forty years. My sponsor said, raised four kids, got seven, soon to be eight, grandkids. My sponsors said I got married Wi ste months ober. So don't don't talk to me about relationships raining. So my sponsor said, he said, I don't want you to make any major decisions during the first year. So I didn't think it was a major deal. But I may have been mistaken in that. She said to me the other day, she's so cute. She said, remember, violent on our ladies, of perpetual revenge. You know when there's a great almand ten step. When I'm wrong, she'd probably admits it. So, oh, she said to me the other day, you said, honey, are we going to be together in heaven? I said, sweetie, it's still deaf to US part. Don't be looking for me, I'll be looking for me. You know, I read the contract. I'm an attorney, you know. But now, listen, this is true. This is what happens. I'm going, can I mean? She says, I don't want to hear she never goes everyone's one. When I'm speaking at a convention. She'll go to a convention just because it's like a trip. She doesn't care. And so, but she says, I don't want to hear that Horse Sho I don't want to hear any of your bullshit anymore. I'm sick and tired of your story, your bullshit. I so we're coming here tonight. She says, I don't want to hear any of that bullshit. I'm sick and tired. Of Your freaking story. I'm tired of that stuff. I don't want to hear about your story. I don't want to hear about your ex wife and how beautiful she was and all that bullshit. You know, I don't want to hear about that. It's true. She knows it's true. So he doesn't want to hear J that's true. It's she's telling me. So I so I'm gonna have to start about I'll probably start at what happened. And Look, I'm not gonna do only junk the logs. You know, we got any this is an old any old timers? Anybody? I mean I'm looking you guys. You know most of guys look like you're you've been around too long, but anybody here with over thirty years raise your hand. Okay, look at this. Look at that table over there. You know, it's always good to be in a room where you never know what the guys that are going there are actually going to be able to go out vertical, you know, and it's it's a good deal here. So I'm going to talk about something. We're going to talk so, so well, this is good. I know a lot of the people here. I mean I have old friends here that I've been around for like twenty, thirty years and everything and that not a new friends and everything like that. And if you've never been a meeting where I've been speaking, I feel sorry. Yeah, I have pabut let me apologize from whatever I'm about to say. It's you know, what, can I tell? It's I don't mean to hurt people's feelings, I don't mean to Piss people off. You know, it's just it's just a natural thing that happens whenever I fucking talk. You know, I can't help it. It's just, you know what I mean. That's just so. I was so I'm not going to say the drunk lot I drank because I like the effect of us by Aldo, you know I mean I'm I drank. Was No woman, no car, no, not amount of money, no nothing ever. Worked just as well and just as fast. That's just a few drinks, and so that's why I drank it. If you drank, if it did for you what it did for me, you drink it to him, you know, and and that's the bottom line. If it did for me today, what Diff for me? When I was eighteen years old, I'd be out there drinking it, you know, and that's the bottom line. But in my life alcohol stopped working for me. So I don't drink it anymore than the sad news about my life as it stopped working for me about ten years before I realized it's not working for me and I heard a lot of people and screwed up a lot. But and so I don't drink it anymore. So, but then I came in here and years later, you know, because of all the shit you go through in life, life, you know, somewhere along your third some of you, after you been soaked for about three months and the initial you know, I can't believe I'm not drinking, and the obsession leaves and all that bullshit happens and you're happy and you found a new fellowship. Somewhere along the line. For some of us it's the first month, sometimes a third amount, sometimes to the third year, you realize you're fucking crazy. You're not drinking. You realize you're crazy and you don't know what the crazy is and you realize then for the first time. Maybe you see in the book alcohol's just the symptom of our disease. Are Real disease centers in our mind, not our body, and that the real alcoholism you've always had, even before you started drink. As not fact, that's why you drank.

It's nothing works so well on your alcoholism. Then the drinking. So it was there before you drank, during your drinking and after your drinking, and you realize that the real problem is you're fucking crazy, but you don't even have a clue as to how crazy you are. And that's why they have the second step, which will restore you to sanity. And you ultimately, after you have ten years sobriety, realize that you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're insane in the first place. And so you spend the next ten fifteen years going through all sorts of bullshit and getting a new perspective by by pain and humiliation, the final question of it self sufficiency, slowly but surely, day after day, learning how fucking crazy you are. And that's how it works. And you say somewhere around ten years, if fits in your sobriety, if you even make it that far. Most people don't. Only one to have a one per sent one into a hundred make it over to twenty years, and half of them are still thumb sucking crybabies and living lives of quite desperation and they're not rocking in the fourth dimension of distance. I know because the guy's I sponsor. These days, when you get old like me, you don't sponsor to many newcomers. They're scared and you're the don't talk to you and we'll talk to me, you know. But I mean it's not that I'm not available. I love everybody. I Love Newcomers, but you get the sponsor guy said have thirty, thirty five years, who are ready to commit suicide. You wouldn't know because they not had hide it. But every once in a while you run into him. They say, I don't know what the hell that guy has, but I want it because I got thirty years and I'm a thumb sucking crybaby. And then working for me. So you get the sponsor to those guys. So you understand that that's just because you're physically sober doesn't mean you're sober. It's Bill Wilson learned when he was twenty three years sober and he was once again going down into depression and he wrote an essay called emotional sobriety and said the real problem with alcohol, sir, is unhealthy dependencies. And then you find out that you're not only you're not only addicted to alcohol, but that's really the least of your addictions. I mean that they don't arrest are for driving all fat and they don't arrested for driving my lusting. But you'll altimately find out that you're addicted to women. You're the to man, your Tak, the Romanger Dick, the the prestige. You're addicted to money. It's not that important, it's just right up there with oxygen. You're ejected to everything in this entire world and that the entire world is all too and you wake up every morning it's saying, if only this and if only that, if I only had this, I only had that, if I only I finally had this girl, that girl, this guy, that guy, I was only married, if I only had a car, but only had a house, they only paid any more money, I'd be okay. You know, realize that every day, five times a day, you're saying to yourself, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, because the one consequent and less until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and alts consequences to brought to be precarious, and one of the consequences of being an alcoholic is you realize without any question, fundamentally, deep down inside, that you're not okay, you're not worthy, you're unworthy to be in alive. So you're constantly comparing your inside for other people's outsides. You're running after shit to get like new cars, new women. Know knew this, knew that, in order to make yourself okay, because, for the God, if anybody knows anything, you ain't okay by yourself. You are so much less than okay, and you tell yourself things like you don't give a shit what other people think about you. You say that sometimes, you'll say that why, I don't give a shit what they think about me. And ultimately down the road, ten or fifteen years down the road, you realize that any human being who keeps on telling themselves they like the a shit with they people think about them. All they do is think about what other people think about them, because people that really don't give a shit what other people think about I'm never say I don't give a shit what people think about me. They say things like Piss the sugar, but they don't say that Shit. You know, every once in a while, when you're not watching TV, you're not going out, you're not any leg you I on the movies, you're not going to doing something, you just sort of along with your thoughts. You hear the Voy, I'll hear you. Hear a voice in the voice says you're worthless, piece of Shit, you ought to kill yourself, and you turn around, seems telling you that Shit and you're the only one in the room. That's coming from it's not coming from Mars, it's not being that's basically you telling you what you really think about yourself and you can run around distract yourself. That's the real alcoholism. The real alcoholism is not the drinking. The drinking is easy. Shit in the world. I go to thousands and thousand and eight and even this last forty years old. I do is speak to people who are on drinking and they're all fucking crazy and they're all living lives are quite desperation because they're all suffering from alcoholism. I had a guy call me up today. I could give his name, does important because it could be one of the million people, and he says to me, he said to me. After I spoke them for a while, I realized a little bit something about them. I'm even listen to people tell me. I listen to what they're not telling me. If you listen real carefully people, you can hear what they're not telling you. They'll tell you a whole bunch of things, but they won't tell you what they just speak. Don't listen to what an alcohol he says about himself. Listen to what he's not saying. It becomes very clear...

...as to what they're not saying. And he finally said to me he's got like three days to Brian. And he says to me, I said, I said, I said how for? I said how much time you have? He says, well, I've been around a for thirty two years, so I know I'm talking to a guy as three or four days. I said, no, I didn't ask you that. Said how much time you have. Now he says, say three days. I said so you've never been sober? He Says No, no, I was sober, sober eight years. I said no, you've never been sober. Is No. I was sober eight years. He says, no, you've never been sober. This is no. I was sobered eight years. I was sober and I felt somebody didn't ask at you felt. I said how long you been sober? You said eight years, but now you have three days. You've never been sober. He says what you what you were is you were on the wagon for eight years, but you weren't sober, because people who are sober don't drink again. People who are sober don't usually happy about that because that means you didn't really slip, because you were never sober. Because when my sponsors, when I say, when I say that guy is sober, I don't mean you're not trink it. Most people in a are not drink. It doesn't mean they're sober. They're not being rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. Then I experiencing much of heaven. They're not convinced that God is working their lives in such a way that they are able to do incredible things. They're not that God is not the central fact of the life, even if they had met that God exists. You is, his existence is barren to them because they haven't utterly abandoned themselves to God. They haven't been separated out. There's a big separation and a then you hear it's the sixth step. It's not the third step, it's the sixth step. It's a step that separates the men from the boys. They you know, definition of that is the men of the ones who are repeatedly trying, repeatedly trying for a lifetime, for a lifetime, to shape themselves into the image and likeness of God. Those people don't drink. Those people don't drink. They've got something called permanent sobriety. Don't tell me it doesn't exist, because it does. I've seen it, I've been in the presence of people are in about involved in it. I know what the old timers were doing the first ten years of sobriety and a A. I've read Dr Bob. The good old times wasn't it? Don't drink good means it was the not drinking club. You know, there's a definition of what's I met what it takes to a member and a a all takes me a members, a desire to stop drinking. It doesn't have to be an honest desire. Used to be an honest desire to stop drinking. They took that out because I was too high a bar. We're talking about a fleeting throught. What the fuck, I think I'll go to a might as well. I got nothing better to do tonight. That's why so many people drink. After five, ten, fifteen, twenty years their drink as they were never sober. They drink because you can actually you. One of the things they in than nine SIS is great essay. I have it in my email, if you get my email, called strong Tup of Cup of tea. When, ultimately, people start coming in with a higher bottom and they learned that you could actually stay sober, sober not drinking, and you didn't have to do the steps. Are Believe in God. That's what everything changed today, because basically you're dealing with people that don't want to talk about God. They don't want to leave, they don't want to give their lives to God, they don't want to hear about God. So when they came in, they realize that you can just not drink, go to meetings and go to the fellowship and hang around people that say shit like don't worry about the God thing. You'll scare about the newcomers and downplay the God thing. What happened? What do you think most alcohols did? That didn't want to believe in God anyway and don't even like being talking about. They didn't do it. They just didn't drink and go to meetings. In the incredible discover they found out is you can not drink go to meetings to do half this shit. You don't mean stay so for ten or fifteen years, but then you're drink and you drink this. You were never emotionally sober. You know. So we so we have this wonderful so we have this big book that says if you want to be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of Heaven, the great fact is this, and nothing less, make God the central fact of your life. Be Convinced that he lives in your heart of mind in a way which indeed miraculous. He's doing for you what you can do for yourself. or it says, you're on a new base, is the base of trusting and believe in God. We never apologize for believing God. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God, they let him demonstrate in their lives what God can do for them. At once they begin to outgrow fear, it says, but we will not know you. We can't be sure of that. God will determine that, and your real realize has to be on him. He will...

...show you how to create the fellowship you crave. Above every day, your selfish, your self centered, you're driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, self seeking. You step on the toes of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation. We learn you made decisions based upon self, which puts you in a position to be heard. So in alcoholic his self own riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness. How do you do that? You don't even know you're selfish. You just think you're bad. Breaks misunderstand you're basically a good boy. How can you even understand that? How can you get rid of the selfishness when you don't even see how fucking selfish and self so I asked my sponsor, what does that mean? That whole paragraph he says it mean you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. I said, I don't know, I like the way they say in the big book better. Like I said, I'm sensitive. He says no great artist as sense if you're just touching and it says above everything, we want to get rid of selfishness. God makes that possible. See you do it. That your and then it says later on, it says if you, if you sincerely, sincerely turn your self over to him, all sortsort of you want to do something here. Yeah, get rid of him. What is this? Is it? Was It an alcoholic? Is it an alcoholic not following directions and defiant? What a fucking shocker. But the right New York about this. There's a selfish alcohol in the room that can't keep his fucking mouth shut. Unbelievable. He's texting his girlfriend. Where was the God? I hope they won't draw me out of the core. But it says, it says when you sincerely make such a decision. Also, it's remarkable things happen to be an all powerfully gives just everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work. Well, so I guess you better know who he is. Yes, that's true. A is not alive with any sect denomination of religion, but you better get your ass alide. I can tell you that he's not alive, but you better find some sort of alliance, because when you got cancer and it's three o'clock the morning and there's no money in the bank and you're going to be for closed on. Let me tell you something. This roommate going to be here with you. Your spots not to be there with you, and some fluffy bullshit God that you just make up in your bond ain't going to be there with you. You know, I can tell you what. You're going to be scared shitless and Abbe. If you don't know what it's like to have sober, non drinking fear, you just haven't been here long enough. If you've been here longer than the year, you know what's like to be waking up at three o'clock the morning stark waiver, Start Raven away and be scared as shit as to what's going to happen to you and not being able to get rid of that. That's the real alcoholism that centers in your mind, not your body. That's the real deal. How do you get rid of that? That's what it says. It says God it. You know it says in Chapter God. Here's what Dr Bob said. Dr Bob said. If you're an atheist, you know. I don't know what you guys know this because they don't teach you this in Aa, the fellowship. I love the fellowship, but just remember our fellowship. That ain't well. People's anonymous. You understand that. It ain't well. People's anonymous. A A says the whole thing. Everything we're talking about, the steps and everything is all about God and form of relationship with God's suit your relationship with him. It's right and great events will come, will become come to you and to other people. That's what Aa says. That's what the whole problem is about. The fellowship says don't, don't talk too much about God. So remember you're in a schizophrenic fellowship. You're in a fellowship of huge amount of believers that don't want to hear this shit, and a lot of guys would five and ten years that they don't want you talking about it because then they may have to do it. Nobody's doing this shit except for a few people. Okay, and you got a book that says God's everything or he's nothing. You Got Dr Bob says if you're an atheist and Agnosticra have some sort of intellectual pride that teacher from understanding this. I feel sorry for you. I pity you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. God is your father, you're the children. You have a new employ here. You know what I mean. He's the principle. You're his agent. You know, that's what your book says. You're on a new basis, the basis in a trusting relying upon God. Job Or no, job, wondering, whatever it is, it means nothing as long as you trust in God. You know. That's what it says. Growing the image and likeness. That's what the big book at that's what the program is, and you gotta you got a thousand pn every and you sit there in a a room and people are scared to call God God. See like HP. Turn over to the HP. You know, because you know why? Because there comes the time where you get to make a choice between whether or not you believe in God or you're cool and, above everything, alcoholics, if there's any, if they're alcoholics, is not just alcohol, we call it out, but alcohol, if where, please love me a halo's don't laugh at me, at a Hallock, don't loose, don't roll your eyes at me, a Halo, don't talk behind my backcoholic, please let you know I walk into that Bar, I look at all those people are say, man, I hope I can join the group. I can't take...

...a couple of shots of that shit and I feel like I hope the fucking group. That's the problem. That's the solution. What's going to get me in a place where people will like me, because I'm a please like me and love me, a halic my whole life is scared of people and what they're going to think about me. And I sit there in a room where the whole things about God. It's on the wall and I don't want to say the word God. You know, you go to an a meeting with you're going to say, let's talk about relationships. You better believe it's all about having sex romance. It ain't about God. And maybe one day you want to say something about God, but you don't say it and you catch yourself because you start going through your mind this sort of bullshit, sort of stuff we do. If I say this, what they think about me? If I say that, what will they think about me? If I mention God, what would think about me? or Dr Dr Bob Basically said I feel sorry for you if you have intellectual pride. You know what intellectual pride is. I graduated with talk departmental honors in mathematics. I was going for my PhD and Algebreak topology. Instead, I want to law school become a division chief, saates terns off the drying murder cases. I was a law professor. You know, I was in a stupid guy. I had something called intellectual pride. You know that's means. That means that you believe everything you tell yourself. You think there's smarter than you. You're the smartest guy in the fucking room. Nobody can tell you anything. And let me tell you something. You Ain't doing shit unless you understand it. You Ain't going to do shit unless you understand less. It makes sense to you. That's intellectual pride. Now let me explain something to you. Knowledge and intelligence is different than wisdom. Knowledge is fading away, knowledge is Bullshit. Wisdom doesn't fade away. Wisdom as a whole different thing. It has to do with something called inspirational thinking, Holy Spirit thinking. It's a whole different deal. It's a dangerous thing when you suffer from the disease of alcoholism. Like it says in the book, less until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and ALDs. consequences is the briety be precarious of true happiness will fund at all. It's a dangerous thing when you suffer from alcoholism. You have all these consequences. Besides drink, and drinking is the smallest. Drinking is bullshit. I've never been able to stop something from drinking. Ever. Ever, sometimes I'll be in a position where I'm saying something, somebody'll say you really help me and they'll stop drinking and I'll start thinking that has something to do with me. There is one who has all power. Only one, not fifty two one. It's God. It's not. God has ninety five percent. He gave me five percent, only one. If somebody's in here and he becomes entirely ready to stop drinking, entirely ready to stop drinking, and he hears me, something may snap and he may hear me and he may stop drinking, I understand. I have nothing to do it because I don't carry a message. The only thing I do is try to carry a message and if God's there, that message shall stick. So if if I go out of from this room tonight, you want to know something and and everybody drinks, is what the fuck did you do with that room. They all drank. I said, I don't feel guilty at all. So you want to know something, because whether you in a drink or not has nothing with what I said. You know because I've done exactly what, because all I care about is what God wants to do. What God wants to do is not carry a message. He wants to come in here and try to Kry the message. So this may be the worst meeting I've ever done in my life, but it's the best one I can do. To nine. That's all he asked me to do. He says I'll take care of the rest, and that's the way it works, and I understand that. God has everything you do with and I have really nothing to do with it. I just show up. And so the bottom line is should go through that book alcoholics, anonymous, and then you realize you have this chapter to the Agnostics, chapter to the Asnox that's in the book gets written to Agnostics and alcoholics. It's a chapter written to agnostics and alcoholics. Most people in a think atheism is okay, they think agnosticism is okay. Let me tell you something. As far as I is concerned, it is not okay. It's antithetical to the a program Aa is about believing fervently in God. Those are the ones that stay sober, that formed that relationship forever. The other ones drink eventually because they're never sober, because they may stop drinking, but then they're chasing after the women and the men. I remember when at first, when I was to I'M A, I'm allounge lizard. You know, I wanted what she had. I was when we go to any length to get it, I'm just looking for the back Dow because if it is in the booze. You know, if I walk in the let me tell you something. I get drunk off of the new car. I can get drunk off of a good looking Gal. I walk in the bar with goodlooking galther looking at me all side, feel like I'm on top of the world. The Guy Leaves, I feel like a piece of shit. I got a date on the Saturday night. I feel good. I don't have a date, I don't feel good. I got a girl. I'm getting late. I'm okay. I'm not getting late, I'm not okay. I got money in the bank. I'm okay. If I'm not going to I can get drunk on anything. I'm sitting there in the Bay and meeting. I say to my sponsor, said, look at that blond in the front row, because I'm looking at the blonds in the front row because that's far impartil my alcoholism, worshiping shit in this world that everybody else is thinking. That will make me okay, because...

God knows deep down inside I know I'm not okay. And I say that blond the front row, he says, drew us. What kind of what did you use to drink? I said he used to drink scotch. What kind of Scotch? Top Shelf? I drink, you know, cutty stark, J ANDB and I'm being like that and he says you see that doll in front row, that blond? He says yeah, he says for you, that's a bottle of Scotch. Would legs and I sort of chuckle like it's a joke. I look at her again, I see this green bottle forming around her. Sort of brainwashing as you go along and you get hit and hit and hit year after year after year, with depression, with anxiety, with sleekness night worrying over the money and the women and the men and the relationship somewhere along. Well, it took me about sixteen years to realize I may have a drinking problem. The first step of getting out of jail. He's got to know you're in jail the first place. Somewhere around the fifth or six or seventh or ten year after you stop drinking, you start realizing that the problem may be something to do with lusting after and trying to grab the things of this world to make you okay, and it's not working. So some guy bounces a five hundred doll to check on me. And and I'm telling and and I'm living because it caused me to bounce a check. And I know what it's ever happened to you. Something happened with money and everything like that. And so I'm telling everybody in the room with this asshole did for me and I can't believe it, and I'm I'm beating them up in my mind and I'm dipping them in a boiling water in my mind. And because we an alcoholic, you're at least murdering at least fifty people every freaking day. You know, and I mean all the assholes that know. My spots used to say how you doing? I said I'm doing, finds his own. You must be getting your own ways. So this guy bounces the five dollar checkup. I'm five year sober. I'm just going nuts after everything I did, from how they do this, we're going to jerk this, this and the whole day is ruined. I mean not, by the way, no matter how much you hate somebody, no matter how much you want to kill him, no matter how much you can't believe these, no matter how much you feel sorry for yourself. Let me tell you, I know this by personal experience. It ain't going to put five hut of dollars in your bank account. All it's going to do is room your day push. You're in excess, you're an obsessive, bullshit, crazy thinker in the problems in your mind like your body. And you're still you're still drunk with your own bullshit. So my sponsor says to me, after I've told everybody I can possibly, because I know. The one thing I know is I know what I know what the problem is. The promise this guy and he bounds five dollar check. That's the problem. And so I'm going to tell you about the problem. I'm going to tell you why I'm pissed off and you can't argue me out of it because if it happened to you, if you say, I said Yeah, well, if that happened to you, you'd feel the same way, because I believe that. I believe there's only one way to react to any different discomfort in this world or anything that goes, and that is to be mad or hate or feel sorry for myself. I don't believe this any other way to react, no other way to react. And if you don't react the way I react, it's cush you stupid or you don't know where it's that hasn't happened to you. And my sponsor says, well, how would you feel then bothering, and I look at him and I say, I'm sorry, I don't understand the question, because I really didn't understand question because I'm insane, remember, because if you are insane with alcoholism and you are constantly hanging around other people that are insane because of alcoholism in the bars and you walk into Aa, you will find a lot of insane people, but you will every once in a while bump into somebody who's actually emotionally sober. They're very dangerous because they sound stupid people that are sobering a will sound stupid, they'll ask stupid questions. So he says to me, my sponsors twenty years says, well, how would you feel it? Then body of us. I said, I'm sorry, I don' understand the question because that talking check the Slovakian or something. You know. I mean really, when you think about he says, why would you feel it didn't bother you? And I said I don't understand the question. I really, I honestly don't stand the questions. Suber bitch about five in the dollars and I said, I understand, I heard that. You've been telling everyone in the room. You just shared it. I said, I'm asking you. How would you feel it didn't bother you? I said, I'm sorry, I know this sounds crazy, but I don't understand the question. The question is simple. How would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said, how would I feel if it didn't bother me that he bounced five Hutar dollar check? And he says yes, how would you feel that didn't bother you, that he bounced the father of your dollar check on you? I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine, he says, there you go. He walks away and I still...

...unstill with the fucking eyes, though, I still have no idea what he's talking about. And so now I'm ten years sober, ten years sober, and my wife, the lovely Digna, who's in the bathroom. You have a fight, you know, and and I go to my sponsor, said I'm getting a divorce, and I explained to him in detail, in details, exactly what she did and what she said. I'm not going to go into it now. You know what I mean. But believe me, I was right. I was outing right. If you disagree with me, you have to die. Is just so fucking stupid. You know. It was unbelief, I said in sign up for this shit, this is bullshit. You know, probably have something do with spending money, or about to spend money or doing so. Who knows what it was was bad. So I took about twenty minutes. I explained to him everything happened. I said, I'm out of you, I'm out of this deal. You know, it's over, man, I sign up for this shit, and he says, and then he he asked me one of those stupid questions. That's stupid guys for thirty years. Ask The stupid shit. He said. He said okay, and said I said so, why are you upset? I said what he's talking about? Talking checklist, a lock in again, I said, why are you are said. I said, what do you mean? Why? I'm I upset. He says why you upset, and I said, I said, Joe, I just spent twenty minutes telling you in freaking detail, which I think you're supposed to do, this for the step shit, in detail, and I've done all the steps and I've done I was into group back with chairman for two years in a row and eight years on real way and sponsoring everything inside and speaking of meetings, I said, I just told you. Indeed, let me tell you something. If there's one thing in alcoholic knows a special money sober, you know what makes you upset. You know it's. I mean it's like mathematical. You can tell how. You can't wait to tell people. What's that? You know what would fits you, what's making you upset. And so I thought. I said, I just told you, I spent twenty minutes. He says, that's not why you're upset. I got ten years sobriety. I'm not stupid. I'm doing stepneans all over the place. I'm speaking, you know. I said and I said that's not why I'm said he said, no, that's what I am upset I said that. He says, that's not why you're upset. Is that all that stuff? I think that's not why you're upset. That, he says, Russell, that's not why you're upset. Then he shuts up. That's not why you're upset. Well, you know why I'm upset, says, Oh yeah, I know what you're set. You know why I'm upset. Oh Shit, clear, it's crystal. Are you going to tell me why I'm upset? Well, I don't know. You really want to know? I said, I scored. I want to know why am I upset? He said, listen. This is exactly what he said. He's the exact words on them here. He says, listen, stupid is like the endearing thing. You know that. That whole part about love and Thomas is our code. None of my sponsors took that course. Okay, he said, listen, stupid, you're upset because you're upset able. I said, what is this? fucking zen AA or something said. And so I've been married forty years, and you know how you get married forty years, you somehow get to the point where, no matter what happens, it doesn't upset you, doesn't come on the raid of our screen. So my wife the other day, you know, I want to be rocked in the fourth dimension. My wife the other day, you know you did this. She can't. She won't even deny this. Most people think I'm kidding about this. She takes me to have my ears checked because she says she think there's something wrong with your hearing. And so I don't argue with me and I said sure, you know whatever, because, well, she stood in front of the TV set between the TV said like this, with her hands like the she says. Is exactly what she said. You never listen to a word I say. I'm thinking, what a weird way to start a conversation. You know what I mean. And so she takes me down to get to hear intest you moment you took me that nobody. You said there's nothing wrong with this hearing. He says, well, what's the promises? I think he has selective hearing. I'm not sure he helped me out with that one. You know what I mean. So then another the ear goes by and she says, I want you tested for demension, he says,...

...because there's a lot of steps that's going on around him, a lot of problem lever thing, and you don't seem to be concerned. You don't seem to be concerned about it before than stuff that's going on around you. And I so okay. So we go down to doctor make us. Remember when to dot. You remember when we went to Dr make us and he did the brain scan on me and all that Shit. If she thought I had to mania? And he came back and he said, he said he's fine. He doesn't have to Menia, he says, and she said he doesn't. He says, well, I do detect that he's thinking it maybe a lower level. At this point he's at the level of genius. She didn't like that. She he was laughing because apparently when you've stopped, when you when when you're not upsetable anymore and maybe when you get emotional, sobriety it looks like dementia because you figure out. You know, if it's one thing I can tell you about alcoholics is they're very aware of every fucking thing that's going on around them, the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real, Imaginary Shit, stay shit that isn't even happening, that they're sort of making other alcoholics are very aware of everything's going on around. You, around every time I have a sponsor or anybody comes up to me to talk to me, and they look excited or a little sad that we start off by saying the same thing. I've been thinking, okay, I was going to do this, but then my mind told me, and I, and I, and the first thing size is but you're insane. You understand that, don't you? And they after we have a little conversation, I explain to them how they're insane, how these are in the say. It says. So you understand that when you're insane, if you're listening to your brain, it's a bad thing. So the bottom line is is, so, how do you stop listening to a brain that's going to million that miles per hour telling you all sorts of Shit, most of which is unreal and it's never going to happen? But it's not even side presented. Things you think are going to happen aren't going to happen. And the one thing that's going to happen is going to happen differently than you think it's going to happen anyway. You know. I mean. So how do you stop that Shit? How do you how do you stop a situation with the mind? where? where? I mean, because really that's the truth. The truth is ninety five percent of everything that's going to your brain is unimportant and not necessary for your life, and the five percent that is going in through your brain, two and a half percent of that. Half of that you don't need, need to think about it. The other two and a half it's going to take care of itself and all you have to do is learn how to go to the bathroom one time, go to sleep when you're tied and eat when you're hungry and that's it and all sort of works out anyway. You know. But how did how does that work out when you're so scared and you have that corrosive threat of fear and you haven't lost fear of people in the economic insecurity and everything is just fucking terrorized in on the planet. And so they have this thing chapter to the agnostics. They say, I'm are code of morals, or better phossy of life, would help us with the okay, a long time ago, different help us because she lack the power. We lack the power, we have no power to be transformed and the transformation which is mapped out by Dr Young with Rowland Hassard, he said you have the mind or chronic alcoholic. I've never been able to help. Some beaus that say to mine exist. And he says you have to have a complete psychic change and that's put on by a belief in God, some sort of spiritual thing, some sort of God thing where you have to believe in God, and happens here in there once in a while and he describes it. He says ideas, emotions and attitudes which are the driving force of these men's lives. Ideas, emotions and attitudes, my sponsor said, why do you do the things you do? Why do you think the things you think? Why do you say the things you say? You know, he says, you know what your problem is. Rush you think everybody should think the way you think. You're fucking crazy. Why do you do the things you do? He's and I say that's just my personality. Says, well, your personalities killing you. I know how to get rid of the booze. How do you stop being you when you're a fucking nut? And I said, why could you be like your brother, Gary Will? How the Fuck Do you do gary? I don't know how to do that. I've been doing me all my life. Me feels comfortable, me feels guy. I'm Sun. Dr Carlmentager said, alcohol, Tire Menu. Women are out to destroy themselves. It is book on suicide and against himself. I'm out to destroy myself and I really don't think so. I really don't understand. How do you change? And the answer is you don't change. You can't change. It's impossible to change. You're trying to think yourself. I have guys coming to me. This time I'm really going to do what I'm going to do. The fourth step, I said. Let me get the straight. You're fucking insane. You've never been able to do anything. You never been able to change. Instead of coming in here and asking me for my help, you're telling me what you've diagnosed yourself and what you think you have to do. You think it has to do with a better fourth step. You think it has to do with a better ninth step. Has Nothing do with any of that Shit. All that shit is designed to get you into one place, and that is to abandon the entire world, all the blond's, Brunette's, the...

...redheads, all the money and focus on God. And you've never been able to do that because you're an alcoholic and you hate God and hate the idea of God. I know that because I've read chapter in the agnostics and one of the consequence of alcoholics is you're an alcoholic and you are told something or you hear something, you read something you don't like. The confuses you and you hate the person who told you so, even though you read the big book. They never really read the big book, but suppost stuff in the big book that it says, you discard it and says it doesn't apply to me, and then you worry about why you never get the thing and never rock it in the fourth dimension of existence. The big book says if we could do this thing, the problem is lack of power. That was our dilemma. We had to find a power. Of that wet me. That means you wrote a book about God. And then the next line is is here's with a trouble star with the alcoholics, because the hackles in their neck, like like cats, you know, stand up because they don't want to hear that Shit. And it's prevalent throughout every room. Every guy who says to you, don't talk about the God thing, you'll scare the newcomers away. Bull Shit, bullshit. The newcomers who are really serious want to hear a message of depth and wake. The guys were five years or ten years who have put God in the trunk of their car and maybe they'll bring them out of naming, but want to fuck around in their wives, have no integrity and don't have any intent of ever given their lives to God because it's too scary for them. They want to make sure you don't talk about it that much because then they might want to have to do it. And the guys that got scared out of here because somebody says God and says I'm leaving this place because he said God or Jesus what everything, they ain't staying anyway. They'll use any issues to get out because I'll tell you something. I came in here because I hit bottom and, more than anything, I didn't want to drink again and nobody was going to say anything to scare me away and I'm just looking at lucky that the Christians and come down to get me, because I be at the airport right now with a tambourine dressed in orange, you know what I mean. And the great thing about Aa, the great thing is alcohol, because every two years the alcohol comes through and wipes out all the fucking bullshit and all the eye ain't going to get on my knees and I don't believe in God shit and it's all a bunch of bullshit. They all got wiped out and they go to prison or they drink or they die or something like that, and they keep on. Alcohol keeps. I'm wiping it out and wiping it out and wiping it out, and there's a few guys that are around for maybe thirty, forty, fifty years then have actually been forced by rapid humiliations and they've learned the value of suffering that all of a sudden they've been they let go of some of their old ideas that they didn't even know they had in the first place. It's not really doing this thing seriously and all of a sudden when they start talking about God and thinking about God and praying to God and proclaiming God to other people. They noticed that they've lost fear of the judgment of other people and fear of ECNOT insecurity. And it happens is as soon as they were able to take God out of the trunk of their car, next to the spare tire and let him do the driving, not even put in the passenger seat. Let him do the driving and you can be the copiler. That's the deal. And they're no longer sitting in a meeting worried about what they're going to say or whether they're going to talk about God because they're worried about some guys in next him or Gausson next them doesn't pay their reason bill. I think about what a crappy way to live life, what bondage. I didn't come into a a and stop drinking so I could worry about what people in Aa think about me. You know, I'm more concerned about what God thinks about me. And God is very simple. It says. It says, as long as you stay close to me and do my work well, and his work is I'm supposed to tell other people. And that's why in the big book all they do is talk about God. They put in a writing. That's what Dr Bobom Bill Wilson talked about. It's all right, it's all during the big book and a thousand things I haven't even mentioned. That's why, Dr Bottom, the good old times they said the books that we found absolutely essential in order to stay sober is first twins in thirteen summer, the amount in the book of James. That's not me talking, that's in your literature, you know. In one thousand nine hundred thirty five eight was started. In nineteen thirty nine they wrote the Big Book and the said, really, I would seen a person of fail who was thoroughly followed our path. You do what we did, you'll get what we got. You'll get what we got. This is what we did. You know, this is what we did. You know and you know what it says. It says we lose prejudice against organized religion. We begin to see where organized religion and people of that deal is right. We incur. You know, they say that. We said we encourage church membership. It's actual, but we encourage it. Then it says most of us do that. Ten Years Sobriety. I got to the point where it wasn't working anymore. Always working. I could have stayed sober, I think. I think I was doing a lot of Shit. You can do enough activity in here and work enough in here, and Di stratcher not solfing up in here, so you can hang on and not...

...drinking. But after while it seems like Yel time. It's just another fucking meeting. It's just one more day. It's like doing time in a a. You don't drink, so they'll give you the medallion. Eleven years, twelve years, fourteen years, fifteen years. You only think about suicide once in a while and all of a sudden everything you hear in a's the same old bullshit, same old stories, same old crap, same old bullshit. Nothing changes. But you're going to meetings because you don't want to drink. Let me tell you some people who are only going. I'm not saying this to newcomers, because when your newcomers first five or ten years, I'm tried that. I'm sure ninety percent of my motivation. I know it was for going to mean this because I didn't want to drink, because I was scared to drink. But I'll tell you something round ten, fifteen, twenty years. Sobriety or maybe even before that. If the only reason you're going to meeting is not but is because it's. If the only reason you're going to meetings is so you don't drink, you will drink. You will drink because after about ten or fifteen years this stuff gets fucking old and boring. Same Old Bullshit, same old story. You're not drinking and you're not happy with your sobriety. Here and there, once in a while and Alcoholic says feel better, look better, having a better time. We laugh at such sally. We know he'll try the old game again because he's not happy with this sobriety. Sooner he'll know loneliness is for you do he'll be at the jumping off place, you know. And so you come here and you say all the the key words. I'm spiritual, not really, I'm spiritual, not religious. Bull Shit, Bull Shit. I'm not spirit till I'm a selfish prick. That's what my big book says. I'm selfish. You want to see how spirit you are, I'll tell you what. You stop going to meetings, you stop talking to your sponsor, you stop praying, you stop breathing a literature and six months later we're going to see how fucking spiritual you are. You are selfish, self centered, only give a shit about yourself. That's what you are and that's what most of the world is. Quite frankly, they just don't have the drinking problem. If I do this stuff in here religiously, I started looking like I'm spiritual, I start acting like I'm spiritual, but only if I follow these rules, and after a while we're not really good at following rules. I'm going to tell you something. Alcoholics are not good for. They get bored. So what's the answer? The answer something around the sixth step. That's the launching pad. It's a step that separates the memforable. It's where it's where you don't like in a rocket that's going in the fourth dimension. It's like where it separates and the rest falls back to Earth, because there's a there's a gravitational pull of alcoholism back down to Earth. And then there's the rocket that goes what's called the scape velocity and escapes velocity of of the gravitational pull of alcoholism. And there's a step called the six step, and that's the step that separates them from the boys. And, as a well Lad Lord loved clergyman said. It said the man or those who are continually trying for a lifetime to grow in the image and likeness of their creator, with a capital say. Those guys are not here. Those men are no longer motivated because of a desire to stop drink. I don't come to any means because of a desire to stop drinking. Don't get me wrong, and I can't explain this to you, I happen to believe that if that an hour from now, after this meeting, I could be drunk, because I absolutely believe I'm paralacel over alcohol. I believe that anything that I have now that keeps it from drinking alcohol and puts me a position to safety has to do with the loving grasp and the grace of God, and that as long as I focus on him and try to do the things he wants me to do, I'll be within His grace and I won't drink. I believe it's nothing in me that will stop me from drinking, except there's nothing in any alcoholics, as in our book, that will come a time in any alcoholics life that he'll drink again and the only protection will be is the grace of God and it doesn't say that's not going to happen yet forty years, and so I believe that. I don't go to meetings, though, because I'm worried about drinking. I go to meetings because I want to help other people and I want to do what God tells me to do. And every person who comes in here is part of a ministry and as work cut out for him and my work, my job, is to try to help other people and share this message, and I'm fully capable of sharing this message because I don't give a shit what you think about me. I really don't. You know, all I care about is whether I'm sharing the message and being transparent and not holding back with this bullshit. Well, if I say this, they won't like me, or if they say that, because I know you won't like me, because the big book tells me once we start talking about God, once we talk to about God, that happens in that listen, if I ain't pissing off twenty five percent of if I don't have twenty five percent of the people in this room walking out saying who invited that Asshole to speak, I'm not saying anything that's...

...worthwhile. You know, if you're sponsoring pissing you off nine percent of a time. Look, I went up to my sponsor three months ober and I had no money and I was broke and I had a wife and a kid and I was three months behind the mortgage and I was scared and I didn't know what to do and I wasn't tell anybody. I wasn't going to tell my I wasn't going to tell my group that the big shot lawyer didn't have any money. It's broke. I mean, not that I give a shit going to tell him. So I forget. I out to tell my sponsor. That's what's funny. We will give me a thousand bucks, a couple thousand bucksers. I'm so I told my sponsor that. I mean, you know I mean. I need money. I'm taught. I'm not too about a bullshit. This is a real earth problem. I need money, I'm going to be evicted. I got a wife and a kid. And he listens to me. He says, Young Simba promises, yeah, I understand, and he says, I think I can help you. Says Really, says well, he says, well, I think it's about time you start making coffee for the group. Nam Three Months Ober I graduated the pubmical honors and mathematics. Some a smart son of a bitch. I got to be honest with you. I didn't think we're having a fucking conversation. I really didn't. You know what I mean. I didn't see any connection between me getting money and making caught for the group. And yet here's the magic thing. He walked me over the coffee machine and I followed him. You know some I now know, forty years later, that that's why I'm not drinking, one of the decisions that I made, one of the things I did. I guess it's because I had one thing going for it. I didn't want to drink and I thought he was part of my not drinking. So even though I knew he was crazy and it didn't make any sense whatsoever. See, with my intellectual pride, I knew he wasn't listening to me and it was bullshit. But what happened was I decided to do something that didn't make any sense to me rather than follow my own thinking, because he had told me so many times you're best thinking. Unless they got me in got got you in here. He had drilled it to me the fact that I was fucking crazy. So I didn't trust my own thinking. So I walked over and he showed me how to make the coffee and the next day I didn't want to go to the meeting because I was depressed. I was very depressed because nobody had come in. But I had to go to the meeting because I had to make the stupid coffee. I made caught for three months of that stupid group going to that meeting, you know, and somehow the money came in and everything worked out. Some guy came up me says I'll make the corfe sound the coffee maker. Who Tell a you, who made you the coffee maker? Go Get your own coffee group. You know what I mean? They cough right thing fucking months for that group and I'm soberday because I made coffee for that group and now I have someone. Now I have some understanding of what that's all I got because in God's economy, notwithstanding what I see and I believe in my brain logically, in God's spiritual economy, first things first, seeking first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things will be added unto you. And the first thing he wanted to do is not worried about the money, but make coffee for other people. And I made cough for other people and he supplied the money. I don't understand how it works, but then again he's all powerful, he has all power and I didn't drink. So when you have an alcoholic who's chief characteristic is definance, how do you teach him that? And you don't teach him that, because faith isn't taught, it's caught. And somehow you got to get to the point where you hit bottom and you're willing to go to any length to stay sober, in any any length may mean. They mean making coffee when you're dying. You see no reason to make coffee because you aren't to like it. You stop believing your own bullshit and you stop believing your old ideas. He just told do what you're told. How about that? How about that for a deal in AA one, why don't you just go get a sponsor and do what you're freaking told? Follow directions even though you don't understand. Isn't that? Well, I want a whacking mate with a major deal. That is shut up and do what you're told. Got A lot of guys call me up and they ask me for help and then they tell me what they need me to do and what they need to do. I said once you just shut up and ask me for help and tell and then do what I tell you. How about that deal? No, you don't want to do that. I may tell you to do something that you don't want to do. Makes some poking. So at ten years sober. Now I'm going to end because we're five minutes over and nobody stay sober after five minutes over the meeting. So ten years sober. They told me go to Bible study. I went to Bible study because that's what we're doing. Between Nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine I met my third sponsor, who had sixty years sobriety. Was a baptist preacher and he was the real deal. He really believes in God. I met about forty other men who were between seventy and eighty years old, sometimes ninety. They believe in God and they were reading the Bible and I start reading the source material of what...

...they would talking about when they were talking about the good, smart and all the other stuff in a when Bill Wilson said, an out ball. So down the stumber three the Lord has been someone's will meet curing me of this doubles. These I got to keep talking about and telling other people start getting alive with that start, and the more I started hanging out with people that were believers and we're serious about the shit, the more I the same thing that like to kill me out on the street. Because you see, what alcoholics do is we think we're selves's were leaders. Next time you think you're a leader, look around and see who's following you. You know what I mean. And so what happened was the same shit that used to tell me on the street where I wanted to blend in. I want you to like me, so I do whatever you told me to do. I use the cocaine, I do whatever, because that's what everybody else was doing. I wanted to be like these guys, so I mom with myself after them. The man and woman will be in this. Five years wipend upon people you hang out when the books you read and the books you read a depend on who you hang out with. And so I follow these guys five, ten, fifteen years, and next thing I know, slowly but sure that I started looking at God instead of looking at the redhead's, looking at God, instead of worrying about the money, looking at God and just focus on God. And and then all of a sudden, when I read that part in the big book it says we encourage Church membership. Most of us are involved in that because you want to get closer to God, like the eleven step says, like the sick seps down says, and I started doing that in my whole life. Change in the big book turned from Black and light to technicolor and I started discovering that if you really want the shit that most people never get in here, you got to be prepared to do the shit that most people won't do. And most people are just the kind of people they talk about in chapter the agnostics. If they hear about God, they say, I'm not going to do that stuff because they're scared to not going to have the money of the woman, whatever it is, or what they think they need, and then they're the ones that end up drinking again or falling back to Earth and never get in this thing. You know, that's the deal and that's how it works, and so that's the end of the month. Deal thank you very much.

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