AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. at the 12 Step House 12/4/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at the 12 Step House Old Timers Meeting Fort Lauderdale FL December 4th 2021

So my name is Russell spats.I'm an alcoholic and haven't found it as Sarah drink since January twenty one,nineteen eighty one, I think. I think that's right. Well, Ican tell you this. I have a cardinal rule. I never drink atleast forty eight hours before a meeting. So I can tell him I don'thave my memory shot. I'm seventy two years old. It's Ober for me. I'll talk about the senility in a second. I've been rocking in thefourth dimension of existence. So I'm my wife, my lovely wife is isremember the Celtixia Group? By the way. That's my lovely one. Stand upfor a second, Sweetie, stand up, stand up, stand up. Let me see the Babe I married. I've been married for what? I'min my forty one year is probably I've been married for over forty years. My sponsor said, raised four kids, got seven, soon to be eight, grandkids. My sponsors said I got married Wi ste months ober.So don't don't talk to me about relationships raining. So my sponsor said,he said, I don't want you to make any major decisions during the firstyear. So I didn't think it was a major deal. But I mayhave been mistaken in that. She said to me the other day, she'sso cute. She said, remember, violent on our ladies, of perpetualrevenge. You know when there's a great almand ten step. When I'm wrong, she'd probably admits it. So, oh, she said to me theother day, you said, honey, are we going to be together inheaven? I said, sweetie, it's still deaf to US part. Don'tbe looking for me, I'll be looking for me. You know, Iread the contract. I'm an attorney, you know. But now, listen, this is true. This is what happens. I'm going, can Imean? She says, I don't want to hear she never goes everyone's one. When I'm speaking at a convention. She'll go to a convention just becauseit's like a trip. She doesn't care. And so, but she says,I don't want to hear that Horse Sho I don't want to hear anyof your bullshit anymore. I'm sick and tired of your story, your bullshit. I so we're coming here tonight. She says, I don't want tohear any of that bullshit. I'm sick and tired. Of Your freaking story. I'm tired of that stuff. I don't want to hear about your story. I don't want to hear about your ex wife and how beautiful she wasand all that bullshit. You know, I don't want to hear about that. It's true. She knows it's true. So he doesn't want to hear Jthat's true. It's she's telling me. So I so I'm gonna have tostart about I'll probably start at what happened. And Look, I'm notgonna do only junk the logs. You know, we got any this isan old any old timers? Anybody? I mean I'm looking you guys.You know most of guys look like you're you've been around too long, butanybody here with over thirty years raise your hand. Okay, look at this. Look at that table over there. You know, it's always good tobe in a room where you never know what the guys that are going thereare actually going to be able to go out vertical, you know, andit's it's a good deal here. So I'm going to talk about something.We're going to talk so, so well, this is good. I know alot of the people here. I mean I have old friends here thatI've been around for like twenty, thirty years and everything and that not anew friends and everything like that. And if you've never been a meeting whereI've been speaking, I feel sorry. Yeah, I have pabut let meapologize from whatever I'm about to say. It's you know, what, canI tell? It's I don't mean to hurt people's feelings, I don't meanto Piss people off. You know, it's just it's just a natural thingthat happens whenever I fucking talk. You know, I can't help it.It's just, you know what I mean. That's just so. I was soI'm not going to say the drunk lot I drank because I like theeffect of us by Aldo, you know I mean I'm I drank. WasNo woman, no car, no, not amount of money, no nothingever. Worked just as well and just as fast. That's just a fewdrinks, and so that's why I drank it. If you drank, ifit did for you what it did for me, you drink it to him, you know, and and that's the bottom line. If it did forme today, what Diff for me? When I was eighteen years old,I'd be out there drinking it, you know, and that's the bottom line. But in my life alcohol stopped working for me. So I don't drinkit anymore than the sad news about my life as it stopped working for meabout ten years before I realized it's not working for me and I heard alot of people and screwed up a lot. But and so I don't drink itanymore. So, but then I came in here and years later,you know, because of all the shit you go through in life, life, you know, somewhere along your third some of you, after you beensoaked for about three months and the initial you know, I can't believe I'mnot drinking, and the obsession leaves and all that bullshit happens and you're happyand you found a new fellowship. Somewhere along the line. For some ofus it's the first month, sometimes a third amount, sometimes to the thirdyear, you realize you're fucking crazy. You're not drinking. You realize you'recrazy and you don't know what the crazy is and you realize then for thefirst time. Maybe you see in the book alcohol's just the symptom of ourdisease. Are Real disease centers in our mind, not our body, andthat the real alcoholism you've always had, even before you started drink. Asnot fact, that's why you drank.

It's nothing works so well on youralcoholism. Then the drinking. So it was there before you drank, duringyour drinking and after your drinking, and you realize that the real problem isyou're fucking crazy, but you don't even have a clue as to how crazyyou are. And that's why they have the second step, which will restoreyou to sanity. And you ultimately, after you have ten years sobriety,realize that you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're insane in the first place. And so you spend the next ten fifteen years going through all sorts ofbullshit and getting a new perspective by by pain and humiliation, the final questionof it self sufficiency, slowly but surely, day after day, learning how fuckingcrazy you are. And that's how it works. And you say somewherearound ten years, if fits in your sobriety, if you even make itthat far. Most people don't. Only one to have a one per sentone into a hundred make it over to twenty years, and half of themare still thumb sucking crybabies and living lives of quite desperation and they're not rockingin the fourth dimension of distance. I know because the guy's I sponsor.These days, when you get old like me, you don't sponsor to manynewcomers. They're scared and you're the don't talk to you and we'll talk tome, you know. But I mean it's not that I'm not available.I love everybody. I Love Newcomers, but you get the sponsor guy saidhave thirty, thirty five years, who are ready to commit suicide. Youwouldn't know because they not had hide it. But every once in a while yourun into him. They say, I don't know what the hell thatguy has, but I want it because I got thirty years and I'm athumb sucking crybaby. And then working for me. So you get the sponsorto those guys. So you understand that that's just because you're physically sober doesn'tmean you're sober. It's Bill Wilson learned when he was twenty three years soberand he was once again going down into depression and he wrote an essay calledemotional sobriety and said the real problem with alcohol, sir, is unhealthy dependencies. And then you find out that you're not only you're not only addicted toalcohol, but that's really the least of your addictions. I mean that theydon't arrest are for driving all fat and they don't arrested for driving my lusting. But you'll altimately find out that you're addicted to women. You're the toman, your Tak, the Romanger Dick, the the prestige. You're addicted tomoney. It's not that important, it's just right up there with oxygen. You're ejected to everything in this entire world and that the entire world isall too and you wake up every morning it's saying, if only this andif only that, if I only had this, I only had that,if I only I finally had this girl, that girl, this guy, thatguy, I was only married, if I only had a car,but only had a house, they only paid any more money, I'd beokay. You know, realize that every day, five times a day,you're saying to yourself, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, because the one consequent and less until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism andalts consequences to brought to be precarious, and one of the consequences of beingan alcoholic is you realize without any question, fundamentally, deep down inside, thatyou're not okay, you're not worthy, you're unworthy to be in alive.So you're constantly comparing your inside for other people's outsides. You're running aftershit to get like new cars, new women. Know knew this, knewthat, in order to make yourself okay, because, for the God, ifanybody knows anything, you ain't okay by yourself. You are so muchless than okay, and you tell yourself things like you don't give a shitwhat other people think about you. You say that sometimes, you'll say thatwhy, I don't give a shit what they think about me. And ultimatelydown the road, ten or fifteen years down the road, you realize thatany human being who keeps on telling themselves they like the a shit with theypeople think about them. All they do is think about what other people thinkabout them, because people that really don't give a shit what other people thinkabout I'm never say I don't give a shit what people think about me.They say things like Piss the sugar, but they don't say that Shit.You know, every once in a while, when you're not watching TV, you'renot going out, you're not any leg you I on the movies,you're not going to doing something, you just sort of along with your thoughts. You hear the Voy, I'll hear you. Hear a voice in thevoice says you're worthless, piece of Shit, you ought to kill yourself, andyou turn around, seems telling you that Shit and you're the only onein the room. That's coming from it's not coming from Mars, it's notbeing that's basically you telling you what you really think about yourself and you canrun around distract yourself. That's the real alcoholism. The real alcoholism is notthe drinking. The drinking is easy. Shit in the world. I goto thousands and thousand and eight and even this last forty years old. Ido is speak to people who are on drinking and they're all fucking crazy andthey're all living lives are quite desperation because they're all suffering from alcoholism. Ihad a guy call me up today. I could give his name, doesimportant because it could be one of the million people, and he says tome, he said to me. After I spoke them for a while,I realized a little bit something about them. I'm even listen to people tell me. I listen to what they're not telling me. If you listen realcarefully people, you can hear what they're not telling you. They'll tell youa whole bunch of things, but they won't tell you what they just speak. Don't listen to what an alcohol he says about himself. Listen to whathe's not saying. It becomes very clear...

...as to what they're not saying.And he finally said to me he's got like three days to Brian. Andhe says to me, I said, I said, I said how for? I said how much time you have? He says, well, I've beenaround a for thirty two years, so I know I'm talking to aguy as three or four days. I said, no, I didn't askyou that. Said how much time you have. Now he says, saythree days. I said so you've never been sober? He Says No,no, I was sober, sober eight years. I said no, you'venever been sober. Is No. I was sober eight years. He says, no, you've never been sober. This is no. I was soberedeight years. I was sober and I felt somebody didn't ask at you felt. I said how long you been sober? You said eight years, but nowyou have three days. You've never been sober. He says what youwhat you were is you were on the wagon for eight years, but youweren't sober, because people who are sober don't drink again. People who aresober don't usually happy about that because that means you didn't really slip, becauseyou were never sober. Because when my sponsors, when I say, whenI say that guy is sober, I don't mean you're not trink it.Most people in a are not drink. It doesn't mean they're sober. They'renot being rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. Then I experiencing much ofheaven. They're not convinced that God is working their lives in such a waythat they are able to do incredible things. They're not that God is not thecentral fact of the life, even if they had met that God exists. You is, his existence is barren to them because they haven't utterly abandonedthemselves to God. They haven't been separated out. There's a big separation anda then you hear it's the sixth step. It's not the third step, it'sthe sixth step. It's a step that separates the men from the boys. They you know, definition of that is the men of the ones whoare repeatedly trying, repeatedly trying for a lifetime, for a lifetime, toshape themselves into the image and likeness of God. Those people don't drink.Those people don't drink. They've got something called permanent sobriety. Don't tell meit doesn't exist, because it does. I've seen it, I've been inthe presence of people are in about involved in it. I know what theold timers were doing the first ten years of sobriety and a A. I'veread Dr Bob. The good old times wasn't it? Don't drink good meansit was the not drinking club. You know, there's a definition of what'sI met what it takes to a member and a a all takes me amembers, a desire to stop drinking. It doesn't have to be an honestdesire. Used to be an honest desire to stop drinking. They took thatout because I was too high a bar. We're talking about a fleeting throught.What the fuck, I think I'll go to a might as well.I got nothing better to do tonight. That's why so many people drink.After five, ten, fifteen, twenty years their drink as they were neversober. They drink because you can actually you. One of the things theyin than nine SIS is great essay. I have it in my email,if you get my email, called strong Tup of Cup of tea. When, ultimately, people start coming in with a higher bottom and they learned thatyou could actually stay sober, sober not drinking, and you didn't have todo the steps. Are Believe in God. That's what everything changed today, becausebasically you're dealing with people that don't want to talk about God. Theydon't want to leave, they don't want to give their lives to God,they don't want to hear about God. So when they came in, theyrealize that you can just not drink, go to meetings and go to thefellowship and hang around people that say shit like don't worry about the God thing. You'll scare about the newcomers and downplay the God thing. What happened?What do you think most alcohols did? That didn't want to believe in Godanyway and don't even like being talking about. They didn't do it. They justdidn't drink and go to meetings. In the incredible discover they found outis you can not drink go to meetings to do half this shit. Youdon't mean stay so for ten or fifteen years, but then you're drink andyou drink this. You were never emotionally sober. You know. So weso we have this wonderful so we have this big book that says if youwant to be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of Heaven, the great fact is this, and nothing less, make God the centralfact of your life. Be Convinced that he lives in your heart of mindin a way which indeed miraculous. He's doing for you what you can dofor yourself. or it says, you're on a new base, is thebase of trusting and believe in God. We never apologize for believing God.All men of faith have courage. They trust their God, they let himdemonstrate in their lives what God can do for them. At once they beginto outgrow fear, it says, but we will not know you. Wecan't be sure of that. God will determine that, and your real realizehas to be on him. He will...

...show you how to create the fellowshipyou crave. Above every day, your selfish, your self centered, you'redriven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, self seeking. You stepon the toes of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation. We learn youmade decisions based upon self, which puts you in a position to be heard. So in alcoholic his self own riot, though he usually doesn't think so.Above everything, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness.How do you do that? You don't even know you're selfish. You justthink you're bad. Breaks misunderstand you're basically a good boy. How can youeven understand that? How can you get rid of the selfishness when you don'teven see how fucking selfish and self so I asked my sponsor, what doesthat mean? That whole paragraph he says it mean you don't give a shitabout anybody except yourself. I said, I don't know, I like theway they say in the big book better. Like I said, I'm sensitive.He says no great artist as sense if you're just touching and it saysabove everything, we want to get rid of selfishness. God makes that possible. See you do it. That your and then it says later on,it says if you, if you sincerely, sincerely turn your self over to him, all sortsort of you want to do something here. Yeah, getrid of him. What is this? Is it? Was It an alcoholic? Is it an alcoholic not following directions and defiant? What a fucking shocker. But the right New York about this. There's a selfish alcohol in the roomthat can't keep his fucking mouth shut. Unbelievable. He's texting his girlfriend.Where was the God? I hope they won't draw me out of thecore. But it says, it says when you sincerely make such a decision. Also, it's remarkable things happen to be an all powerfully gives just everythingwe need if we stay close to him and perform his work. Well,so I guess you better know who he is. Yes, that's true.A is not alive with any sect denomination of religion, but you better getyour ass alide. I can tell you that he's not alive, but youbetter find some sort of alliance, because when you got cancer and it's threeo'clock the morning and there's no money in the bank and you're going to befor closed on. Let me tell you something. This roommate going to behere with you. Your spots not to be there with you, and somefluffy bullshit God that you just make up in your bond ain't going to bethere with you. You know, I can tell you what. You're goingto be scared shitless and Abbe. If you don't know what it's like tohave sober, non drinking fear, you just haven't been here long enough.If you've been here longer than the year, you know what's like to be wakingup at three o'clock the morning stark waiver, Start Raven away and bescared as shit as to what's going to happen to you and not being ableto get rid of that. That's the real alcoholism that centers in your mind, not your body. That's the real deal. How do you get ridof that? That's what it says. It says God it. You knowit says in Chapter God. Here's what Dr Bob said. Dr Bob said. If you're an atheist, you know. I don't know what you guys knowthis because they don't teach you this in Aa, the fellowship. Ilove the fellowship, but just remember our fellowship. That ain't well. People'sanonymous. You understand that. It ain't well. People's anonymous. A Asays the whole thing. Everything we're talking about, the steps and everything isall about God and form of relationship with God's suit your relationship with him.It's right and great events will come, will become come to you and toother people. That's what Aa says. That's what the whole problem is about. The fellowship says don't, don't talk too much about God. So rememberyou're in a schizophrenic fellowship. You're in a fellowship of huge amount of believersthat don't want to hear this shit, and a lot of guys would fiveand ten years that they don't want you talking about it because then they mayhave to do it. Nobody's doing this shit except for a few people.Okay, and you got a book that says God's everything or he's nothing.You Got Dr Bob says if you're an atheist and Agnosticra have some sort ofintellectual pride that teacher from understanding this. I feel sorry for you. Ipity you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. God is yourfather, you're the children. You have a new employ here. You knowwhat I mean. He's the principle. You're his agent. You know,that's what your book says. You're on a new basis, the basis ina trusting relying upon God. Job Or no, job, wondering, whateverit is, it means nothing as long as you trust in God. Youknow. That's what it says. Growing the image and likeness. That's whatthe big book at that's what the program is, and you gotta you gota thousand pn every and you sit there in a a room and people arescared to call God God. See like HP. Turn over to the HP. You know, because you know why? Because there comes the time where youget to make a choice between whether or not you believe in God oryou're cool and, above everything, alcoholics, if there's any, if they're alcoholics, is not just alcohol, we call it out, but alcohol,if where, please love me a halo's don't laugh at me, at aHallock, don't loose, don't roll your eyes at me, a Halo,don't talk behind my backcoholic, please let you know I walk into that Bar, I look at all those people are say, man, I hope Ican join the group. I can't take...

...a couple of shots of that shitand I feel like I hope the fucking group. That's the problem. That'sthe solution. What's going to get me in a place where people will likeme, because I'm a please like me and love me, a halic mywhole life is scared of people and what they're going to think about me.And I sit there in a room where the whole things about God. It'son the wall and I don't want to say the word God. You know, you go to an a meeting with you're going to say, let's talkabout relationships. You better believe it's all about having sex romance. It ain'tabout God. And maybe one day you want to say something about God,but you don't say it and you catch yourself because you start going through yourmind this sort of bullshit, sort of stuff we do. If I saythis, what they think about me? If I say that, what willthey think about me? If I mention God, what would think about me? or Dr Dr Bob Basically said I feel sorry for you if you haveintellectual pride. You know what intellectual pride is. I graduated with talk departmentalhonors in mathematics. I was going for my PhD and Algebreak topology. Instead, I want to law school become a division chief, saates terns off thedrying murder cases. I was a law professor. You know, I wasin a stupid guy. I had something called intellectual pride. You know that'smeans. That means that you believe everything you tell yourself. You think there'ssmarter than you. You're the smartest guy in the fucking room. Nobody cantell you anything. And let me tell you something. You Ain't doing shitunless you understand it. You Ain't going to do shit unless you understand less. It makes sense to you. That's intellectual pride. Now let me explainsomething to you. Knowledge and intelligence is different than wisdom. Knowledge is fadingaway, knowledge is Bullshit. Wisdom doesn't fade away. Wisdom as a wholedifferent thing. It has to do with something called inspirational thinking, Holy Spiritthinking. It's a whole different deal. It's a dangerous thing when you sufferfrom the disease of alcoholism. Like it says in the book, less untilan alcohol accepts his alcoholism and ALDs. consequences is the briety be precarious oftrue happiness will fund at all. It's a dangerous thing when you suffer fromalcoholism. You have all these consequences. Besides drink, and drinking is thesmallest. Drinking is bullshit. I've never been able to stop something from drinking. Ever. Ever, sometimes I'll be in a position where I'm saying something, somebody'll say you really help me and they'll stop drinking and I'll start thinkingthat has something to do with me. There is one who has all power. Only one, not fifty two one. It's God. It's not. Godhas ninety five percent. He gave me five percent, only one.If somebody's in here and he becomes entirely ready to stop drinking, entirely readyto stop drinking, and he hears me, something may snap and he may hearme and he may stop drinking, I understand. I have nothing todo it because I don't carry a message. The only thing I do is tryto carry a message and if God's there, that message shall stick.So if if I go out of from this room tonight, you want toknow something and and everybody drinks, is what the fuck did you do withthat room. They all drank. I said, I don't feel guilty atall. So you want to know something, because whether you in a drink ornot has nothing with what I said. You know because I've done exactly what, because all I care about is what God wants to do. WhatGod wants to do is not carry a message. He wants to come inhere and try to Kry the message. So this may be the worst meetingI've ever done in my life, but it's the best one I can do. To nine. That's all he asked me to do. He says I'lltake care of the rest, and that's the way it works, and Iunderstand that. God has everything you do with and I have really nothing todo with it. I just show up. And so the bottom line is shouldgo through that book alcoholics, anonymous, and then you realize you have thischapter to the Agnostics, chapter to the Asnox that's in the book getswritten to Agnostics and alcoholics. It's a chapter written to agnostics and alcoholics.Most people in a think atheism is okay, they think agnosticism is okay. Letme tell you something. As far as I is concerned, it isnot okay. It's antithetical to the a program Aa is about believing fervently inGod. Those are the ones that stay sober, that formed that relationship forever. The other ones drink eventually because they're never sober, because they may stopdrinking, but then they're chasing after the women and the men. I rememberwhen at first, when I was to I'M A, I'm allounge lizard.You know, I wanted what she had. I was when we go to anylength to get it, I'm just looking for the back Dow because ifit is in the booze. You know, if I walk in the let metell you something. I get drunk off of the new car. Ican get drunk off of a good looking Gal. I walk in the barwith goodlooking galther looking at me all side, feel like I'm on top of theworld. The Guy Leaves, I feel like a piece of shit.I got a date on the Saturday night. I feel good. I don't havea date, I don't feel good. I got a girl. I'm gettinglate. I'm okay. I'm not getting late, I'm not okay.I got money in the bank. I'm okay. If I'm not going toI can get drunk on anything. I'm sitting there in the Bay and meeting. I say to my sponsor, said, look at that blond in the frontrow, because I'm looking at the blonds in the front row because that'sfar impartil my alcoholism, worshiping shit in this world that everybody else is thinking. That will make me okay, because...

God knows deep down inside I knowI'm not okay. And I say that blond the front row, he says, drew us. What kind of what did you use to drink? Isaid he used to drink scotch. What kind of Scotch? Top Shelf?I drink, you know, cutty stark, J ANDB and I'm being like thatand he says you see that doll in front row, that blond?He says yeah, he says for you, that's a bottle of Scotch. Wouldlegs and I sort of chuckle like it's a joke. I look ather again, I see this green bottle forming around her. Sort of brainwashingas you go along and you get hit and hit and hit year after yearafter year, with depression, with anxiety, with sleekness night worrying over the moneyand the women and the men and the relationship somewhere along. Well,it took me about sixteen years to realize I may have a drinking problem.The first step of getting out of jail. He's got to know you're in jailthe first place. Somewhere around the fifth or six or seventh or tenyear after you stop drinking, you start realizing that the problem may be somethingto do with lusting after and trying to grab the things of this world tomake you okay, and it's not working. So some guy bounces a five hundreddoll to check on me. And and I'm telling and and I'm livingbecause it caused me to bounce a check. And I know what it's ever happenedto you. Something happened with money and everything like that. And soI'm telling everybody in the room with this asshole did for me and I can'tbelieve it, and I'm I'm beating them up in my mind and I'm dippingthem in a boiling water in my mind. And because we an alcoholic, you'reat least murdering at least fifty people every freaking day. You know,and I mean all the assholes that know. My spots used to say how youdoing? I said I'm doing, finds his own. You must begetting your own ways. So this guy bounces the five dollar checkup. I'mfive year sober. I'm just going nuts after everything I did, from howthey do this, we're going to jerk this, this and the whole dayis ruined. I mean not, by the way, no matter how muchyou hate somebody, no matter how much you want to kill him, nomatter how much you can't believe these, no matter how much you feel sorryfor yourself. Let me tell you, I know this by personal experience.It ain't going to put five hut of dollars in your bank account. Allit's going to do is room your day push. You're in excess, you'rean obsessive, bullshit, crazy thinker in the problems in your mind like yourbody. And you're still you're still drunk with your own bullshit. So mysponsor says to me, after I've told everybody I can possibly, because Iknow. The one thing I know is I know what I know what theproblem is. The promise this guy and he bounds five dollar check. That'sthe problem. And so I'm going to tell you about the problem. I'mgoing to tell you why I'm pissed off and you can't argue me out ofit because if it happened to you, if you say, I said Yeah, well, if that happened to you, you'd feel the same way, becauseI believe that. I believe there's only one way to react to anydifferent discomfort in this world or anything that goes, and that is to bemad or hate or feel sorry for myself. I don't believe this any other wayto react, no other way to react. And if you don't reactthe way I react, it's cush you stupid or you don't know where it'sthat hasn't happened to you. And my sponsor says, well, how wouldyou feel then bothering, and I look at him and I say, I'msorry, I don't understand the question, because I really didn't understand question becauseI'm insane, remember, because if you are insane with alcoholism and you areconstantly hanging around other people that are insane because of alcoholism in the bars andyou walk into Aa, you will find a lot of insane people, butyou will every once in a while bump into somebody who's actually emotionally sober.They're very dangerous because they sound stupid people that are sobering a will sound stupid, they'll ask stupid questions. So he says to me, my sponsors twentyyears says, well, how would you feel it? Then body of us. I said, I'm sorry, I don' understand the question because that talkingcheck the Slovakian or something. You know. I mean really, when you thinkabout he says, why would you feel it didn't bother you? AndI said I don't understand the question. I really, I honestly don't standthe questions. Suber bitch about five in the dollars and I said, Iunderstand, I heard that. You've been telling everyone in the room. Youjust shared it. I said, I'm asking you. How would you feelit didn't bother you? I said, I'm sorry, I know this soundscrazy, but I don't understand the question. The question is simple. How wouldyou feel if it didn't bother you? I said, how would I feelif it didn't bother me that he bounced five Hutar dollar check? Andhe says yes, how would you feel that didn't bother you, that hebounced the father of your dollar check on you? I said, well,if it didn't bother me, I feel fine, he says, there yougo. He walks away and I still...

...unstill with the fucking eyes, though, I still have no idea what he's talking about. And so now I'mten years sober, ten years sober, and my wife, the lovely Digna, who's in the bathroom. You have a fight, you know, andand I go to my sponsor, said I'm getting a divorce, and Iexplained to him in detail, in details, exactly what she did and what shesaid. I'm not going to go into it now. You know whatI mean. But believe me, I was right. I was outing right. If you disagree with me, you have to die. Is just sofucking stupid. You know. It was unbelief, I said in sign upfor this shit, this is bullshit. You know, probably have something dowith spending money, or about to spend money or doing so. Who knowswhat it was was bad. So I took about twenty minutes. I explainedto him everything happened. I said, I'm out of you, I'm outof this deal. You know, it's over, man, I sign upfor this shit, and he says, and then he he asked me oneof those stupid questions. That's stupid guys for thirty years. Ask The stupidshit. He said. He said okay, and said I said so, whyare you upset? I said what he's talking about? Talking checklist,a lock in again, I said, why are you are said. Isaid, what do you mean? Why? I'm I upset. He says whyyou upset, and I said, I said, Joe, I justspent twenty minutes telling you in freaking detail, which I think you're supposed to do, this for the step shit, in detail, and I've done allthe steps and I've done I was into group back with chairman for two yearsin a row and eight years on real way and sponsoring everything inside and speakingof meetings, I said, I just told you. Indeed, let metell you something. If there's one thing in alcoholic knows a special money sober, you know what makes you upset. You know it's. I mean it'slike mathematical. You can tell how. You can't wait to tell people.What's that? You know what would fits you, what's making you upset.And so I thought. I said, I just told you, I spenttwenty minutes. He says, that's not why you're upset. I got tenyears sobriety. I'm not stupid. I'm doing stepneans all over the place.I'm speaking, you know. I said and I said that's not why I'msaid he said, no, that's what I am upset I said that.He says, that's not why you're upset. Is that all that stuff? Ithink that's not why you're upset. That, he says, Russell,that's not why you're upset. Then he shuts up. That's not why you'reupset. Well, you know why I'm upset, says, Oh yeah,I know what you're set. You know why I'm upset. Oh Shit,clear, it's crystal. Are you going to tell me why I'm upset?Well, I don't know. You really want to know? I said,I scored. I want to know why am I upset? He said,listen. This is exactly what he said. He's the exact words on them here. He says, listen, stupid is like the endearing thing. Youknow that. That whole part about love and Thomas is our code. Noneof my sponsors took that course. Okay, he said, listen, stupid,you're upset because you're upset able. I said, what is this?fucking zen AA or something said. And so I've been married forty years,and you know how you get married forty years, you somehow get to thepoint where, no matter what happens, it doesn't upset you, doesn't comeon the raid of our screen. So my wife the other day, youknow, I want to be rocked in the fourth dimension. My wife theother day, you know you did this. She can't. She won't even denythis. Most people think I'm kidding about this. She takes me tohave my ears checked because she says she think there's something wrong with your hearing. And so I don't argue with me and I said sure, you knowwhatever, because, well, she stood in front of the TV set betweenthe TV said like this, with her hands like the she says. Isexactly what she said. You never listen to a word I say. I'mthinking, what a weird way to start a conversation. You know what Imean. And so she takes me down to get to hear intest you momentyou took me that nobody. You said there's nothing wrong with this hearing.He says, well, what's the promises? I think he has selective hearing.I'm not sure he helped me out with that one. You know whatI mean. So then another the ear goes by and she says, Iwant you tested for demension, he says,...

...because there's a lot of steps that'sgoing on around him, a lot of problem lever thing, and youdon't seem to be concerned. You don't seem to be concerned about it beforethan stuff that's going on around you. And I so okay. So wego down to doctor make us. Remember when to dot. You remember whenwe went to Dr make us and he did the brain scan on me andall that Shit. If she thought I had to mania? And he cameback and he said, he said he's fine. He doesn't have to Menia, he says, and she said he doesn't. He says, well,I do detect that he's thinking it maybe a lower level. At this pointhe's at the level of genius. She didn't like that. She he waslaughing because apparently when you've stopped, when you when when you're not upsetable anymoreand maybe when you get emotional, sobriety it looks like dementia because you figureout. You know, if it's one thing I can tell you about alcoholicsis they're very aware of every fucking thing that's going on around them, thewrongdoings of others, fancied or real, Imaginary Shit, stay shit that isn'teven happening, that they're sort of making other alcoholics are very aware of everything'sgoing on around. You, around every time I have a sponsor or anybodycomes up to me to talk to me, and they look excited or a littlesad that we start off by saying the same thing. I've been thinking, okay, I was going to do this, but then my mind toldme, and I, and I, and the first thing size is butyou're insane. You understand that, don't you? And they after we havea little conversation, I explain to them how they're insane, how these arein the say. It says. So you understand that when you're insane,if you're listening to your brain, it's a bad thing. So the bottomline is is, so, how do you stop listening to a brain that'sgoing to million that miles per hour telling you all sorts of Shit, mostof which is unreal and it's never going to happen? But it's not evenside presented. Things you think are going to happen aren't going to happen.And the one thing that's going to happen is going to happen differently than youthink it's going to happen anyway. You know. I mean. So howdo you stop that Shit? How do you how do you stop a situationwith the mind? where? where? I mean, because really that's thetruth. The truth is ninety five percent of everything that's going to your brainis unimportant and not necessary for your life, and the five percent that is goingin through your brain, two and a half percent of that. Halfof that you don't need, need to think about it. The other twoand a half it's going to take care of itself and all you have todo is learn how to go to the bathroom one time, go to sleepwhen you're tied and eat when you're hungry and that's it and all sort ofworks out anyway. You know. But how did how does that work outwhen you're so scared and you have that corrosive threat of fear and you haven'tlost fear of people in the economic insecurity and everything is just fucking terrorized inon the planet. And so they have this thing chapter to the agnostics.They say, I'm are code of morals, or better phossy of life, wouldhelp us with the okay, a long time ago, different help usbecause she lack the power. We lack the power, we have no powerto be transformed and the transformation which is mapped out by Dr Young with RowlandHassard, he said you have the mind or chronic alcoholic. I've never beenable to help. Some beaus that say to mine exist. And he saysyou have to have a complete psychic change and that's put on by a beliefin God, some sort of spiritual thing, some sort of God thing where youhave to believe in God, and happens here in there once in awhile and he describes it. He says ideas, emotions and attitudes which arethe driving force of these men's lives. Ideas, emotions and attitudes, mysponsor said, why do you do the things you do? Why do youthink the things you think? Why do you say the things you say?You know, he says, you know what your problem is. Rush youthink everybody should think the way you think. You're fucking crazy. Why do youdo the things you do? He's and I say that's just my personality. Says, well, your personalities killing you. I know how to getrid of the booze. How do you stop being you when you're a fuckingnut? And I said, why could you be like your brother, GaryWill? How the Fuck Do you do gary? I don't know how todo that. I've been doing me all my life. Me feels comfortable,me feels guy. I'm Sun. Dr Carlmentager said, alcohol, Tire Menu. Women are out to destroy themselves. It is book on suicide and againsthimself. I'm out to destroy myself and I really don't think so. Ireally don't understand. How do you change? And the answer is you don't change. You can't change. It's impossible to change. You're trying to thinkyourself. I have guys coming to me. This time I'm really going to dowhat I'm going to do. The fourth step, I said. Letme get the straight. You're fucking insane. You've never been able to do anything. You never been able to change. Instead of coming in here and askingme for my help, you're telling me what you've diagnosed yourself and whatyou think you have to do. You think it has to do with abetter fourth step. You think it has to do with a better ninth step. Has Nothing do with any of that Shit. All that shit is designedto get you into one place, and that is to abandon the entire world, all the blond's, Brunette's, the...

...redheads, all the money and focuson God. And you've never been able to do that because you're an alcoholicand you hate God and hate the idea of God. I know that becauseI've read chapter in the agnostics and one of the consequence of alcoholics is you'rean alcoholic and you are told something or you hear something, you read somethingyou don't like. The confuses you and you hate the person who told youso, even though you read the big book. They never really read thebig book, but suppost stuff in the big book that it says, youdiscard it and says it doesn't apply to me, and then you worry aboutwhy you never get the thing and never rock it in the fourth dimension ofexistence. The big book says if we could do this thing, the problemis lack of power. That was our dilemma. We had to find apower. Of that wet me. That means you wrote a book about God. And then the next line is is here's with a trouble star with thealcoholics, because the hackles in their neck, like like cats, you know,stand up because they don't want to hear that Shit. And it's prevalentthroughout every room. Every guy who says to you, don't talk about theGod thing, you'll scare the newcomers away. Bull Shit, bullshit. The newcomerswho are really serious want to hear a message of depth and wake.The guys were five years or ten years who have put God in the trunkof their car and maybe they'll bring them out of naming, but want tofuck around in their wives, have no integrity and don't have any intent ofever given their lives to God because it's too scary for them. They wantto make sure you don't talk about it that much because then they might wantto have to do it. And the guys that got scared out of herebecause somebody says God and says I'm leaving this place because he said God orJesus what everything, they ain't staying anyway. They'll use any issues to get outbecause I'll tell you something. I came in here because I hit bottomand, more than anything, I didn't want to drink again and nobody wasgoing to say anything to scare me away and I'm just looking at lucky thatthe Christians and come down to get me, because I be at the airport rightnow with a tambourine dressed in orange, you know what I mean. Andthe great thing about Aa, the great thing is alcohol, because everytwo years the alcohol comes through and wipes out all the fucking bullshit and allthe eye ain't going to get on my knees and I don't believe in Godshit and it's all a bunch of bullshit. They all got wiped out and theygo to prison or they drink or they die or something like that,and they keep on. Alcohol keeps. I'm wiping it out and wiping itout and wiping it out, and there's a few guys that are around formaybe thirty, forty, fifty years then have actually been forced by rapid humiliationsand they've learned the value of suffering that all of a sudden they've been theylet go of some of their old ideas that they didn't even know they hadin the first place. It's not really doing this thing seriously and all ofa sudden when they start talking about God and thinking about God and praying toGod and proclaiming God to other people. They noticed that they've lost fear ofthe judgment of other people and fear of ECNOT insecurity. And it happens isas soon as they were able to take God out of the trunk of theircar, next to the spare tire and let him do the driving, noteven put in the passenger seat. Let him do the driving and you canbe the copiler. That's the deal. And they're no longer sitting in ameeting worried about what they're going to say or whether they're going to talk aboutGod because they're worried about some guys in next him or Gausson next them doesn'tpay their reason bill. I think about what a crappy way to live life, what bondage. I didn't come into a a and stop drinking so Icould worry about what people in Aa think about me. You know, I'mmore concerned about what God thinks about me. And God is very simple. Itsays. It says, as long as you stay close to me anddo my work well, and his work is I'm supposed to tell other people. And that's why in the big book all they do is talk about God. They put in a writing. That's what Dr Bobom Bill Wilson talked about. It's all right, it's all during the big book and a thousand thingsI haven't even mentioned. That's why, Dr Bottom, the good old timesthey said the books that we found absolutely essential in order to stay sober isfirst twins in thirteen summer, the amount in the book of James. That'snot me talking, that's in your literature, you know. In one thousand ninehundred thirty five eight was started. In nineteen thirty nine they wrote theBig Book and the said, really, I would seen a person of failwho was thoroughly followed our path. You do what we did, you'll getwhat we got. You'll get what we got. This is what we did. You know, this is what we did. You know and you knowwhat it says. It says we lose prejudice against organized religion. We beginto see where organized religion and people of that deal is right. We incur. You know, they say that. We said we encourage church membership.It's actual, but we encourage it. Then it says most of us dothat. Ten Years Sobriety. I got to the point where it wasn't workinganymore. Always working. I could have stayed sober, I think. Ithink I was doing a lot of Shit. You can do enough activity in hereand work enough in here, and Di stratcher not solfing up in here, so you can hang on and not...

...drinking. But after while it seemslike Yel time. It's just another fucking meeting. It's just one more day. It's like doing time in a a. You don't drink, so they'll giveyou the medallion. Eleven years, twelve years, fourteen years, fifteenyears. You only think about suicide once in a while and all of asudden everything you hear in a's the same old bullshit, same old stories,same old crap, same old bullshit. Nothing changes. But you're going tomeetings because you don't want to drink. Let me tell you some people whoare only going. I'm not saying this to newcomers, because when your newcomersfirst five or ten years, I'm tried that. I'm sure ninety percent ofmy motivation. I know it was for going to mean this because I didn'twant to drink, because I was scared to drink. But I'll tell yousomething round ten, fifteen, twenty years. Sobriety or maybe even before that.If the only reason you're going to meeting is not but is because it's. If the only reason you're going to meetings is so you don't drink,you will drink. You will drink because after about ten or fifteen years thisstuff gets fucking old and boring. Same Old Bullshit, same old story.You're not drinking and you're not happy with your sobriety. Here and there,once in a while and Alcoholic says feel better, look better, having abetter time. We laugh at such sally. We know he'll try the old gameagain because he's not happy with this sobriety. Sooner he'll know loneliness isfor you do he'll be at the jumping off place, you know. Andso you come here and you say all the the key words. I'm spiritual, not really, I'm spiritual, not religious. Bull Shit, Bull Shit. I'm not spirit till I'm a selfish prick. That's what my big booksays. I'm selfish. You want to see how spirit you are, I'lltell you what. You stop going to meetings, you stop talking to yoursponsor, you stop praying, you stop breathing a literature and six months laterwe're going to see how fucking spiritual you are. You are selfish, selfcentered, only give a shit about yourself. That's what you are and that's whatmost of the world is. Quite frankly, they just don't have thedrinking problem. If I do this stuff in here religiously, I started lookinglike I'm spiritual, I start acting like I'm spiritual, but only if Ifollow these rules, and after a while we're not really good at following rules. I'm going to tell you something. Alcoholics are not good for. Theyget bored. So what's the answer? The answer something around the sixth step. That's the launching pad. It's a step that separates the memforable. It'swhere it's where you don't like in a rocket that's going in the fourth dimension. It's like where it separates and the rest falls back to Earth, becausethere's a there's a gravitational pull of alcoholism back down to Earth. And thenthere's the rocket that goes what's called the scape velocity and escapes velocity of ofthe gravitational pull of alcoholism. And there's a step called the six step,and that's the step that separates them from the boys. And, as awell Lad Lord loved clergyman said. It said the man or those who arecontinually trying for a lifetime to grow in the image and likeness of their creator, with a capital say. Those guys are not here. Those men areno longer motivated because of a desire to stop drink. I don't come toany means because of a desire to stop drinking. Don't get me wrong,and I can't explain this to you, I happen to believe that if thatan hour from now, after this meeting, I could be drunk, because Iabsolutely believe I'm paralacel over alcohol. I believe that anything that I havenow that keeps it from drinking alcohol and puts me a position to safety hasto do with the loving grasp and the grace of God, and that aslong as I focus on him and try to do the things he wants meto do, I'll be within His grace and I won't drink. I believeit's nothing in me that will stop me from drinking, except there's nothing inany alcoholics, as in our book, that will come a time in anyalcoholics life that he'll drink again and the only protection will be is the graceof God and it doesn't say that's not going to happen yet forty years,and so I believe that. I don't go to meetings, though, becauseI'm worried about drinking. I go to meetings because I want to help otherpeople and I want to do what God tells me to do. And everyperson who comes in here is part of a ministry and as work cut outfor him and my work, my job, is to try to help other peopleand share this message, and I'm fully capable of sharing this message becauseI don't give a shit what you think about me. I really don't.You know, all I care about is whether I'm sharing the message and beingtransparent and not holding back with this bullshit. Well, if I say this,they won't like me, or if they say that, because I knowyou won't like me, because the big book tells me once we start talkingabout God, once we talk to about God, that happens in that listen, if I ain't pissing off twenty five percent of if I don't have twentyfive percent of the people in this room walking out saying who invited that Assholeto speak, I'm not saying anything that's...

...worthwhile. You know, if you'responsoring pissing you off nine percent of a time. Look, I went upto my sponsor three months ober and I had no money and I was brokeand I had a wife and a kid and I was three months behind themortgage and I was scared and I didn't know what to do and I wasn'ttell anybody. I wasn't going to tell my I wasn't going to tell mygroup that the big shot lawyer didn't have any money. It's broke. Imean, not that I give a shit going to tell him. So Iforget. I out to tell my sponsor. That's what's funny. We will giveme a thousand bucks, a couple thousand bucksers. I'm so I toldmy sponsor that. I mean, you know I mean. I need money. I'm taught. I'm not too about a bullshit. This is a realearth problem. I need money, I'm going to be evicted. I gota wife and a kid. And he listens to me. He says,Young Simba promises, yeah, I understand, and he says, I think Ican help you. Says Really, says well, he says, well, I think it's about time you start making coffee for the group. NamThree Months Ober I graduated the pubmical honors and mathematics. Some a smart sonof a bitch. I got to be honest with you. I didn't thinkwe're having a fucking conversation. I really didn't. You know what I mean. I didn't see any connection between me getting money and making caught for thegroup. And yet here's the magic thing. He walked me over the coffee machineand I followed him. You know some I now know, forty yearslater, that that's why I'm not drinking, one of the decisions that I made, one of the things I did. I guess it's because I had onething going for it. I didn't want to drink and I thought hewas part of my not drinking. So even though I knew he was crazyand it didn't make any sense whatsoever. See, with my intellectual pride,I knew he wasn't listening to me and it was bullshit. But what happenedwas I decided to do something that didn't make any sense to me rather thanfollow my own thinking, because he had told me so many times you're bestthinking. Unless they got me in got got you in here. He haddrilled it to me the fact that I was fucking crazy. So I didn'ttrust my own thinking. So I walked over and he showed me how tomake the coffee and the next day I didn't want to go to the meetingbecause I was depressed. I was very depressed because nobody had come in.But I had to go to the meeting because I had to make the stupidcoffee. I made caught for three months of that stupid group going to thatmeeting, you know, and somehow the money came in and everything worked out. Some guy came up me says I'll make the corfe sound the coffee maker. Who Tell a you, who made you the coffee maker? Go Getyour own coffee group. You know what I mean? They cough right thingfucking months for that group and I'm soberday because I made coffee for that groupand now I have someone. Now I have some understanding of what that's allI got because in God's economy, notwithstanding what I see and I believe inmy brain logically, in God's spiritual economy, first things first, seeking first theKingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things will be added untoyou. And the first thing he wanted to do is not worried about themoney, but make coffee for other people. And I made cough for other peopleand he supplied the money. I don't understand how it works, butthen again he's all powerful, he has all power and I didn't drink.So when you have an alcoholic who's chief characteristic is definance, how do youteach him that? And you don't teach him that, because faith isn't taught, it's caught. And somehow you got to get to the point where youhit bottom and you're willing to go to any length to stay sober, inany any length may mean. They mean making coffee when you're dying. Yousee no reason to make coffee because you aren't to like it. You stopbelieving your own bullshit and you stop believing your old ideas. He just tolddo what you're told. How about that? How about that for a deal inAA one, why don't you just go get a sponsor and do whatyou're freaking told? Follow directions even though you don't understand. Isn't that?Well, I want a whacking mate with a major deal. That is shutup and do what you're told. Got A lot of guys call me upand they ask me for help and then they tell me what they need meto do and what they need to do. I said once you just shut upand ask me for help and tell and then do what I tell you. How about that deal? No, you don't want to do that.I may tell you to do something that you don't want to do. Makessome poking. So at ten years sober. Now I'm going to end because we'refive minutes over and nobody stay sober after five minutes over the meeting.So ten years sober. They told me go to Bible study. I wentto Bible study because that's what we're doing. Between Nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirtynine I met my third sponsor, who had sixty years sobriety. Wasa baptist preacher and he was the real deal. He really believes in God. I met about forty other men who were between seventy and eighty years old, sometimes ninety. They believe in God and they were reading the Bible andI start reading the source material of what...

...they would talking about when they weretalking about the good, smart and all the other stuff in a when BillWilson said, an out ball. So down the stumber three the Lord hasbeen someone's will meet curing me of this doubles. These I got to keeptalking about and telling other people start getting alive with that start, and themore I started hanging out with people that were believers and we're serious about theshit, the more I the same thing that like to kill me out onthe street. Because you see, what alcoholics do is we think we're selves'swere leaders. Next time you think you're a leader, look around and seewho's following you. You know what I mean. And so what happened wasthe same shit that used to tell me on the street where I wanted toblend in. I want you to like me, so I do whatever youtold me to do. I use the cocaine, I do whatever, becausethat's what everybody else was doing. I wanted to be like these guys,so I mom with myself after them. The man and woman will be inthis. Five years wipend upon people you hang out when the books you readand the books you read a depend on who you hang out with. Andso I follow these guys five, ten, fifteen years, and next thing Iknow, slowly but sure that I started looking at God instead of lookingat the redhead's, looking at God, instead of worrying about the money,looking at God and just focus on God. And and then all of a sudden, when I read that part in the big book it says we encourageChurch membership. Most of us are involved in that because you want to getcloser to God, like the eleven step says, like the sick seps downsays, and I started doing that in my whole life. Change in thebig book turned from Black and light to technicolor and I started discovering that ifyou really want the shit that most people never get in here, you gotto be prepared to do the shit that most people won't do. And mostpeople are just the kind of people they talk about in chapter the agnostics.If they hear about God, they say, I'm not going to do that stuffbecause they're scared to not going to have the money of the woman,whatever it is, or what they think they need, and then they're theones that end up drinking again or falling back to Earth and never get inthis thing. You know, that's the deal and that's how it works,and so that's the end of the month. Deal thank you very much.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (94)