AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 116 · 4 months ago

Stevie B. Step 11 at the 12 Step House 5/4/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Stevie B. Step 11 at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 05/04/2022

Everybody. My name is Stevie Bam, recovering alcoholic and a member of the Golden Text Group of Hollywood, Flarida. And before we get into it, and we got a lot to go over tonight, last week we had twenty minutes and so this week we're going to do seventy five minutes to just, you know, relax. But before we do any of that, I'm just going to ask you. We're going to take a moment of silence. One of a great sober men that carried this message to countless people across the country and, I would imagine, across the world, lost his battle to brain cancer, a very short battle that was only six weeks today, by the name of Paul D Paul de Leo. His wife, Karna, is a widower and and it just happened just real fast and it just happened today. So we're going to take a moment of size and I'm going to say a prayer as we do that for the guy. We don't know how these things work, but we do know, Lord, that we could stay sober to anything, Lord, and we pray for Corina now, as in this meeting there's so many widowers and people that have lost loved ones, people have as children in the last couple weeks. Tonight our heart goes out for Krena and lot. We pray that polls watching us from the big meeting in the sky. We know that he heard today. Well done, good and faithful servant. We totally believe that, as he would always say, he's a recovered alcoholic that loved you and loves you. So we pray that tonight would be a blessing for him, as hopefully that you peel apart just a little bit of heaven so he can watch this meeting tonight, knowing that he loves the eleventh death and would pray all these things in your mighty name. Amen. And Paul was one of the greats. And now what does that mean? One of the saints? One of the saints means someone that's a believer and someone that carried this message to other recovering people and practice these principles in all his affairs. And he will be surely missed and as hope that people on line felt that. And it's great to see Paul Baker here and the guys in the back room. I thought how special that was. I know if you guys saw that was a whole line of people from the back room. Yeah, and I'm not trying to influence this group. This group has been around before I, you know, I could ever be in of an existence. But they're all coming up here for thirty day chips and sixty day chips, and so I'm not trying to change that. That we didn't that we don't do that here. But it was so cool that there's a whole room of people that are so excited about having been coming back, that they came all the way to the front and that they're excited to be back or excited to be here for the first time, excited to be picking up thirty days and sixty days and nine does. How cool is that? Right, let's give them around of the plug. I do want to tell about how amazing God is. Of course we're talking about God tonight, but I'm just in a just a personal story, not that it concerns the eleventh step, but maybe it does. You know my sponsors here and, as you guys know, none of his talks really makes sense to the last five minutes. So maybe that's what's going on in here. So I couldn't walk an hour ago and I was walking my dog and I couldn't walk and and I had called somebody and I said, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make with that. You guys know how much I love to be with you. I canceled my earlier group, my seven eight group, as some of you guys know. And and I lets just laid down and I said to...

Lo I want to be here. I'm mean, I want to be much sponsors coming up marks, bringing them out. I got I didn't know Cindy was going to be here from out of town. I know the Miami continuency may come up. They're here, which is so cool, and and and but I couldn't walk and I laid down and I just said the Lord Lord, if you want me at the meeting, you know I need some extra help here tonight. And and and all's good. We just prayed outside. Sheldon has this. I was hard to believe, and I'm not making on them, but but he had this healing touch on me just now. I feel great and it is not incredible. The power of God, the power of that seeking him and and and asking him for a miracle. Well, I'm not saying as you use Merk. I'm not saying life changing miracle, but an hour ago I couldn't walk. And so as I was as I was coming in here tonight, and I was excited, anticipatory because we're this is like a PEP rally every week, Pep Rally for what God has done for us in our lives. We got to see. But Don what was it? Twenty seven last week, done, twenty eight years down picked the twenty eight years. Praise God. That was Incredibul he at Paul with thirty. You know, I don't know, pull Mane thive, thirty, thirty seven. I'm so thirty, thirt thirty seven years. We just had this big celebration last week and and we didn't have that much to go to time to go over ten steps. So let's just briefly go in the good to a writing to the elevens them and then next week is my last week here, and then you guys going to be blessed because you have Paul. That it was like a world famous speaker, speaks at all conventions and she's coming here this meetings. Incredible just continues to just bless US abundantly. This brings us the step ten, which suggests we could take personal inventory. We take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. I didn't really have a chance to about last week. So step ten is a couple different things. It's spot check inventory during the day. You know when you're wrong. You're going and making it right. Continue to take personal inventory. When we were wrong, promptly admitting it. So going and making it right right away. That's the best way to do it. But some times that's not that doesn't happen in reality. That does doesn't always happen. We always get to meet that person or or right it wrong. Or sometimes, as you're going to see at the end of the night when we're doing our nightly inventory and we go through the whole thing, where we're we selfish, were we dishonest? We go to we read the book on page eight five, eighty six, hundred and eighty seven and eighty eight and we see that the things were supposed to be looking for and we're supposed to look for selfishness and we're supposed to look for resentment, was supposed to look for dishonesty and was supposed to look for fear. And do we owe someone in amend's. Did we do? We wrong someone and how we do that? For me I like to do it on my knees. That's the best way for me to do it. Not Everybody does it that way. My one of my guys, Brian, has this incredible imatory list. It's on PDF. I'll bring it next week. I didn't have a chance to print it out, but I'll bring it next week if you'd like to have it's a great imatory list. He does a written imatory every night and that's highly recommended, especially if you are if you're very diligent at that, and you and you do a written imatory. I do a I do a mental inventory, but a written Ivatory is definitely the way to go. And who can I make amends to? And then the big book tells us to go in and right that wrong. And where do they get that? They got that from the Bible. The Bible says if you did something against your brother, leave your gifts at the altar and go settle with your brother. And you don't want the son to go down on anger. You don't want to take this into the next day and then, God forbid you do what's the best thing to do? You wake up in the morning and try to set that right. Because what happens if you haven't done that right lily, if you haven't done that, then it all of a sudden you got to start doing four steps all the time. You got to start doing written invatories all the time instead of taking care of your business and that day promptly. Right now, all of a sudden it's built up and now you're being weighed down and you got to worry about who you're going to see and Oh, I wrong that guy yesterday or I said that note to handle your business. And for you that are married or in relationship with somebody, I'll tell you. I watched my...

...mom fifty two years with my dad, and very rarely, if ever, if ever, if ever, they let the sun go down on their anger without clearing it out before the end of the day. Because what does that do? It just it festers and it breeds on itself and and and anger breeds on anger and resentment builds on resentment. And as I said last week, and I just want to remind you, don't text you're amend's, don't text, don't text your hey I, because it the whole thing could be totally misconstrued. texting is not a pure form of communication. It's open to all. Matter of fact, Joey, and I happened with me tonight. I was saying something beautiful to you and you thought I was correcting you and you're like a no, texting is is not the you can hear a person's voice and first of all, you probably did the harm. Now, if you texted the harm, maybe you can go and promptly admit the harm in the text. I don't know about all. You know about all. That the best thing for me. We've had stuff, sheldon and I have had stuff where guys iron, sharperns iron. You're going to have stuff right, you call up that person, you meet with that person. Let me set this right. Tonight, let me set this listen, I said something. I don't know about you, but my tongue is fiftyzero times faster than my brain. That's not a good quality, that's not enough. That's not a character asset if your tongue is faster than your brain. So what does that mean? That means I say stuff all the time that needs to be retracted. Okay, and I don't end sometimes I can't even as I'm seeing the words go out. I'm shocked it's coming from my mouth and then it lands on you and then I'm like well, well, maybe they'll know. No, you go promptly and take care of that. Okay. So that's the ten step. And here's the great thing about it. This sixth step, the seventh step. Not a lot of said in the big book about it. Okay, you got to have sponsorship, you got to have people around you. Thank God we have the twelve and twelve, which was written to fifteen yeears later. That really expands on six and sevens, because if you would just use the big book, you think, wow, the six is doesn't seem to be that important. It's only really a paragraph, and seven is really only a prayer. But when it comes to step nine, ten and eleven, it's it's exhausted. It not exhausted, but it's expounded upon. And page eighty five, eighty six, hundred and eighty seven and any, okay, and and and really the great thing it says when we retire at night. They starts off later. I'm you know, Russell can quote at all. It's totally amazing. He just quotes it, you know, right from the from the book. I'm that's not my my experience. I don't have that ability. So I just want to tell you that it starts off on page eighty six and says upon retiring at night or on retiring at night. So then shows us the things on how to review. Okay, now that's all I want to say. On step ten, it's one of the most spiritual steps there is because it's directly taken from from the Bible. Okay, it's directly taken from you don't want to take this stuff in into the next part of your day. So and then here's the most beautiful thing. You did your ten step the night before. Guess how you get to wake up in the morning with this blank sheet. Oh, new day, knew day, new mercies. God gives me New mercy today. I don't have to take all my poop and from yesterday. I got a blank sheet. I get to start again, and isn't that I don't know about you. I'm not sure how you do it, but it me I can create World War Three on at eleven o'clock at night. Everything is going to Poop, I'm selling everything, I'm moving to Tennessee, my whole life is down the toilet and then I wake up in the morning and I'm like, Zippity do nothing's changed. Zippity dudes, a whole new days happened and God's grace and God's mercies and his love are new every single morning. So why would we want to take Junkin that we could have cleared the night before? But if we do, then we get in touch of that person and we promptly handle our business. And I'm looking at some people in here that I just recently had situations with and you know, we cleared it. It's very we...

...don't when I see you. I want to be a love I want to be a love month. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not a people players, people pleaser, because that's not my that's not what I want to but I want to be a loved person. I want to make sure that I'm not cutting myself off from the sunlight of the spirit because we had some silly words. That means something with a tongue that cannot be bridled because it's wicked in nature, and then we said something off hand, and then we're going to throw away an entire relationship that was either built on one month or two months or ten years or twenty years because some off words I kill that stuff. I kill it dead and and I go and I do exactly with the step says, continue to take personal inventory and when we're wrong, when we're wrong. Sorry, I'll promptly admit. Okay, that's beautiful, prompt. So, and we've had our stuff right. We've had our stuff right and and and and my mom and I would want we on times. We've we don't always see. I. I politically doesn't. Don't, don't read into that. Don't read in if it's but, but picture, she's from New York, right, and I live in Florida. You can imagine this difference. Right. So, no, so we don't always agree. So we've had stuff. We clear it like that, like that, like that, because that festers and then the next thing you know, not with my mom, of course she's the light of my life, but infests in. The next thing you know, our relationship is spoiled or soiled because of because of nothing, because nothing that means anything. Like like anyone's paying attention to my political views anywhere. Like anyone's changing course of action because of the what I think. Right. Know, no one's asked me my opinion on anything, okay, and, like I said, I'm powerless over carbohydrates. Let along the economy. All right. So step eleven. This is it, all right? This is sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, who I mean praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that. Prayer Meditation are our principal means of continuous conscious contact with God. That's from the twelve and twelve. I mean, it doesn't it did it. The whole thing is summed u bright here. You please get one of these books, these books. This is great. There's a woman standing up right now. I would imagine it is one chair. You guys could lads, is there a chair right here? Man, we have. We have a chair in here. There's chairs everywhere. There's chairs everywhere. So through prayer meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us, in the power to carry that up. Now, I want you to know that in my first sobriety, before I met Russell, I had a god of my understanding. I hadn't too taken the step and change it around. I had a god of my understanding and I had a sponsor, not myern. They God rest is soul. He was really high quality and credible sponsor. But I had lower sponsors during the days. What does that mean? When I had a sponsor that didn't tell me what I like, I got a lower sponsor like, you know, like like a, like a look, let nobody do right. So I I had a real sponsor, which was Myern, and then he would tell me something that I didn't like and then I would get a lower sponsor. Right. And so one of my lower sponsors, and good guy, he told me that I could create a god of my understanding, which I liked, which I liked. So I created a god of my understanding. And maybe have heard this, because in the big book it says that your concept of God, however inadequate, is an old lay place to start. And I like that and I stayed there for like forever. And so my God, right, I used to I put down all of him. I put down I put down real qualities of God, just not the total concept of God, not the totality of God. So I put down all loving number one right raising and if you like that, all loving God right, of course that's a big deal. Right there, I put down all forgiving, right, Raigie hate, if you like, all forgiving God, right, yeah, I put down all...

...knowing but not judgmental. I put that there. I like to have a God that's all knowing but not judgmental, and that's that. Those three attributes. You could take a God like that to strip club and I did. I took him all over the place. I mean my God, we traveled together. That was at my home boy. I had that God is my homeboy, Tshirt, and he was my cold pilot, all those things. God's my cold pilot, he's my homeboy and we go to strip clubs together and we hang out and he's all loving and he's non judgmental and he's totally forgiven. So I'm in good. And my sponsor, which was not my real sponsor, but like my my sponsor that nobody knew about, he was like, as long as you have a god of your understanding, you're good in a a and I want to share with you what that God did for me. A God of my understanding is not the creator of the universe. Today I have the creator of the universe. He already has opinions. He's got a first name. It's God. He's not going to be swayed by my but my to and fro like hey, maybe I want to change the laws of the universe. He's not impressed with me. He loves me, but he's also going to correct me. My God today doesn't go to strip clubs with me because I don't go to script clubs because I don't want to take them in there. Because that's my creator of the UNIM I follow him and so when I seek, through prayer meditation, to improve my conscious contact with the creator of the universe, I want to make sure that I know who I'm talking to. So that that was a big blessing for me. When I met Russell, he was very unequivocally sound on who God was and he wasn't going to be fooled or he wasn't going to be talked into a lower God, a lower g God, and I had of many lower g gods and I was sober seven years. I had gambling, not that I was a gambling attict, but I like the feeling of gambling. I like the smell of gambling. I liked I like the smell of sexual places that have gambling. I like the smell of places that have I don't even smoke. I like nicotine places. I like anything that's ced. I like anything that has a film to it. I like anything that where you go to, you have to shower afterwards. I don't know if you understand what I mean. And so that's not conducive to a relationship with the creator. It's not conducive to sobriety. So what did I do? I picked up, I used, I relapsed. I traded in February, seventh of one thousand nine hundred and ninety three, even though I had that for seven years. I traded that in for the idea that I was going to be able to drink fine wine, which I had never even, which I never knew what fine wine was. But one time I was at a restaurant and I saw people drinking fine wine and they put it in a decanter in the middle of a table and carry you probably know about this, and they poured it in there and they let it breathe and they weren't even drinking it, they were talking and there was fine wine in the table and it had like a thing coming out of it, like a bomb, and they let it breathe and I thought that's amazing. I can drink stuff like that. That's something I never even tried. I WENT STRAIGHT FROM CRACK TO MED dog two thousand and twenty identity and drive fine wine, and so I knew that maybe I wouldn't be powerless over that kind of stuff, and I tried to do that and I left alcoholics anonymous. I told Wendy the back. The person I told is the person sitting in here today. I told her leaving the group. I thank you so much, and I told my iron I'm leaving, and I left my good friend Danny Apel, may God rest his soul, and Myron, God rest of soul. They are, they are tried the best of me, and Patsy and Lindsay and my parents told me not to leave, and I left and and I went and I hit rock bottom in all different areas. So what did God give from me? God did for me, Claudia, he let me see that all substances are in direct opposition of him. I want you to hear what I just said. Any little G God that I have in my life, what does that mean? Any false idol that I have in my life is in direct opposition for my in my...

...relationship with him. Anything I put in front of me, if I take steroids again, if I'm in the gym every day again, if I'm if I'm with twelve different girls, all the stuff that's all little g gods. That's all going to do is it's going to create a greater whole inside me, a greater God sized whole, to where I'm restless, irritable and discontent. Inside the program of alcoholics anonymous, I did not get better in the program of alcoholics anonymous, by its sheer form of sobriety, I didn't start get it wasn't like year one, I was a little sickier too. I was better. You're three, I was pretty good. You're four, I was very well. Five I was the spiritual giant. It didn't work like that for me. In the first year I got better because I put down cracking out and alcohol and x Annix and all the things I was taking. So of course things get better. And then two, three, four, five and six. was waiting for me to get to seven where I completely combusted. Now, why is that? Because I didn't work this program. The program is intible in nature, but it's in it's absolutely imperative to work it the way that they're saying. It's actually absolutely imperative. And when I walked into the to the West Stacy clubhouse and I heard that name that's back there today and he was talking about God and he took out the Bible and he spoke about the power of the creator of the universe and how we needed to act the Good Samaritan every day. And maybe if he comes up next week, maybe he'll say a few words in that which would be really, really cool, because when he said that that we had to act a good Samaritan, he took out another book that they were reading, one they wrote, the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, and he talked about sermon on the mountain, to talk about First Corinthians Thirteen in the book of James and about Matthew Five, and he took that book out and he referenced that and he said for anyone that is reasonful, well, you need to just find this book called Dr Bob and the good old timers, which is conference approved literature. What does that mean? It's like people in Aa that are like in the conference that approved the literature. They say the Dr Bob and the good old timers. Not only is it approved, they helped write it and they said this is what we were doing. These books are absolutely essential. Why they were absolutely essential? It means that they were absolutely reading it and that's how they came up with rarely have you seen a parison fail. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly following our path. Don't you want to know the path? If I see someone that lost weight and they look good, I'm not telling us, I'm not smoking crab, but if I see someone that, if I see someone that lost weight, like my friend Tony, right, my friend Tony that's watching tonight, he's eating at the same time. I hope it's healthy because I'm about to use them. He lost a ton of weight, right, and I saw him and he looks good and I said, Tony, because he's Italian, and how do you at times? Don't just usually lose like fifty, sixty, seventy pound? I go, Tony, how'd you lose the way? Like say, you know, I didn't cut out the bread and I don't need sugar and I don't need this that, I don't need this, and I said, wow, that really, really works right that really really works. So it really really works because the evidence was there. Right. So the evidence is if rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. I want to know what the Path is. I'm not just going to rely on someone that says they're recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body because they work the steps. That doesn't impress me. My sponsor has been through three or four forms of cancer and hasn't picked up. His wife abuses him, rightfully so, a lot of the time. Okay, rightfully so, believe me. Rightfully. So what impresses me? What impresses me about him is he wears life like a loose garment. He's like Teflon. Okay, he's able to get you know what impresses me about my mom? You know what impresses me about Joanne? That that her son went to be with the Lord this week. PJ McManus, he when we had a memorial for him this no one presses me about Joanne. She's got thirteen years sober. She's in a meeting of alcoholics, anonymous on a Tuesday night. She just buried her son. To Do to do to this disease. That's a recovered alcoholic in my book, someone that is stand stood the test of time.

And what you guys don't know is that. Well, I'm not saying you don't know. What some people don't know is when they wrote the Big Book in Nineteen Thirty Nine, between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine they were preparing the big book and then they wrote in it that we are one hundred men of women that have recovered from the seemingly hope of state of mind and body. By the time they wrote the twelve and twelve, there was like twenty percent of them that died. So they weren't recovered after they had been through fifteen years of abuse and getting hit, like my sponsor says, going in the washing machine and getting hit like this, and going on tumble zone and and and repeated forms of humiliation that life is going to give you. So why would we need to seek God during the why would we need to see God? Because it's exactly during those times that we're going to need to seek him. And if you have a higher power, or just a power greater than yourself and you're in a jackpot, it's very hard to make the connection unless you know who you're speaking to. When I'm in the Jackpot, which is a lot lately, lately, right, all, right, now I'm in the Jackpot Zone. You know that means, I think John coined it, time in the bucket. I think that was your phrase, the time in the bucket. You're going to have your time in the bucket. Look what just happened with Paul. Paul was totally fine six weeks ago. He slipped, he fell, he got a contusion on his head. They brought him up to the hospital. He said this is silly, it's it's nothing, because Paul so funny and he just you know, he doesn't probably did even miss a meeting. He just made the joke and they had to do an MRI and when they did an Mri they found a mass. Today he's gone. Now you could take a look at it. Say God, why? Paul is a incredible warrior for you. He he's a mouthpiece for you. He goes around everywhere telling everybody about you. He tells everybody about the big book of alcoholics, anonymous his him and his wife Karina, they do step series all around the world. Well, what? How? Why would it be? Well, we will never know that answer when til we get to meet the Creator. But we have to have faith during those times. We have to have faith during those times that God has a plan. But if we're not seeking him, if we're not trying to improve our relationship with him, then on the surface you could get totally disillusioned. If you're only have a very superficial relationship with the creative of the universe, if you're not seeking to improve it, if you only casually, if you only casually stop in Him, if you only talk to him once in a while, if you only speak about him in a meeting, and then the moment you get out in the parking lot, you people would be like, I can't believe that's the same person that was in the meeting talking about God, because your words don't line up, your actions don't line up. You're not practicing these principles in all your affairs. You're only practicing it inside it an a meeting or at work, when no, when when people are watching. Sought to prayer, meditation, to improve my conscious contact with God. That's the only thing that matters. It's the only thing that counts, and I do want to say that you know Russell's been pointed out to me lately and other people point out to me lately. Now now that I'm in the bucket, I'm having my own bucket time right now, you guys. So had like tonight. I could even walk. That's just one of like twenty things I have going on physically right. But then I look at my friend now, who's battling cancer right now, and he's sitting there totally happy, Joyson free, sitting next to my friend Ivan, who just lost her husband eight months ago. Another warrior in alcoholics, anonymous, that served JAC's House last year and cooked all the food, tanging food and different things, donated the food. Another warrior that just want home to be with the Lord. How is it that we're losing these words? I'll tell you how it is, because this is life, and if we only have some superficial casual hey, what's...

...up? God? As long as I get, as long as my bank account is full, as long as my pecks her up, which are not, as long as I'm feeling good, as long as I have the car, as long as I have the relationship, as long as I have the job, God is good. But how about God is good regardless of that. Job or no job, car or no car, relationship or no relationship, money or no money, not that I like to have no money. I'm not fond of this time right now. I much prefer to have the money, but I would much prefer to have a relationship with the create I am and he's got a plan. Yeah, bring it, baby. Who Listen to this? Lord? I want to. I just want to repeat one word. Lord. Lord. Does that sound anything like a higher pot? Like it like like like a door KNOB? Does it? Just asks you. I'm not putting anyone now. I'm not putting it a please don't get offended. Does it sound anything like like nature? The DOORKNO, the Chris. I want you to say Lord. Say Lord, Lord, Say Lord. I mean that's right, that's got some power. Now what now' say door not. Yeah, I mean you choose. When I used to do cocaine, I went straight to the guy that a just stopped from Bolivia, oh co Columbia. I didn't go to the guy that stepped on its seven hundred fifty times so that it was a nest at all. I went to the source. I'm sorry, this might be the wrong crowd. You know what I was referring to. I Apologize. I'm figured with all the people from Miami. You got to go what I was talking about. Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring long that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness, that where there is discord, I may bring harmony, that where there's error, I may bring truth, that where there is doubt, I may bring faith, that where there is despair, that where there is despair, I may bring hope, that where there are shadows, I may bring light, that where there is sadness I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand and to be understood, to love than to be loved. For it is by self forgetting getting out of the way. It's by self forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. The principle of forgiveness, the principle of love, the principle of seeking, the principle of God, the principle of purity, the for absolute st before alcoholics anonymous was even invented. ABS Salute Purity, absolute love, absolute unselfishness and absolute honesty. Are we seeking those where are they in our daily life, the conversations that we're having? Are we are we keeping those four things in the background? Is the eleventh step prayer that we attribute to St Francis? Is the eleven...

...step prayer the principal guiding force in our lives? Or are we doing the opposite? Are we being a object of cacophony? Are we trying to bring in noise and we're trying to bring in discord and we and we love to hear about political nonsense, so we could throw more, more gasoline on it. Are we trying to to hurt people that we should be helping? Are we raising the bar? We have plenty of seats. We got to see right there. Are we raising the bar when we should be lowering the bar? If alcoholics anonymous is all inviting, all loving, are we raising that bar instead of lowering the bar? Now, what does that mean? Are we going to be some soft sided water down, as Russell taught us a couple years while? Shared with us a couple years ago about when, invoked in in Palm Beach County there was a doctor that was handing out and selling water down chemotherapy drugs and people were dying because they needed real chemotherapy drugs. But for profit and for for money, the person was watering down the Chemo therapy, the chemotherapy drugs, and people are dying. Are we going to a meetings where people are dying? Are we going to a meetings where people worried about offending other people that worried about that? Talking about God is going to offend the newcomer? There's tons of newcomers in this room. There's tons of newcomers in the back. I speak at all different places where there's newcomers and very rarely, it ever has any a newcomer ever ran out and said I'm totally offended. You know why? Because an hour and a half ago that we're doing things, or week and a half ago, or a month and a half ago or six months ago that really were offensive and that's why they had to come to alcoholics anonymous. So if God runs you out, as my sponsor talk told us on Sunday night, if God runs you out, you are going anyway. If they told me there was another hit and I had to be a satanist for the hour I was a Satanist, what does that mean that I proclaimed Satan to know. But I did evil things. I stole, I lied, I hurt my parents, I hurt my grandfather, I hurt my wife so that I could get another hit, so that I could get another drink. I pretended that I had seven years of sobriety while my wife was sleeping, as I could did terrible things in the bottom floor of our house. So I come in alcoholics anonymous, and I'm going to be ran out by God. I'm not going to be run out of by guy named Chooch. I'm not going to run out by guyed by but someone saying God. Now Meditation. Now, I'm not going to act like I am an expert in meditation there. So let's just get that. I'm not. Okay, I'm like the beginning, entry level. Now this began okay, but I have friends like John, I have other friends like Ivan, I have other friends that are phenomenal in meditation. So I get their stuff. They send meither stuff. They send me they're reading. Shellon says me the reading. Every day. I get the reading, I get the Jesus calling, I get different books and I read it and I listen. I read it and I listen. I don't have all these different MONSCHRAS. I'm not very guruish. I don't have any time. I'm not doing oppose nothing. Now what I like to get there? I do. I think it's all amazing. I want to do all of it, and so I'm seeking to improve my conscious contact in that area because I am not there. I do a lot of talking with God and I don't do as much listening as I should. But where does the real stuff happen? It's in the listening, because I'll tell you why. All sorts of absurd things come about when you're only doing the talking. And some of you guys know what I did on Monday night and my mother doesn't even know. Oh No,...

...it was Sunday night after Russell's meeting. Russell came to the Tut to our house, and he an he won't me up and shocked us, and and and I got fearful. I got fearful because I realize I'm so far away of where I need to be. I'm not a good I'm not even close to where he's at right. He doesn't care. There's so much stuff he doesn't care about it doesn't even register him right and I'm like, I'm not there I'm still worried about here. I'm still worried about this, I'm worried about that, I'm worried about finances, I'm worried about this thing. I got this going on. It's all about finances, raising hand. If you worry about finance, not a lot of people. I worry about finances. So I left the meeting. I'm like, I confess to the group I'm not all that, which I thought was a good step. And then I went home and I started walking the door and then, while I was walking the dog, fear got me. I'm like, not only not only with us, this is great. Not only don't I have money, but now worried about not having money. Right, the fear of economic insecurity not only has not left me, but now it's encompassing me and not what am I going to do? So I just came up with this great idea and I didn't ask the Lord about I didn't go to God. I didn't go to God, I didn't call my butt nothing, and I couldn't call my sponsor because his wife was at a town of the time. I could have called him. He was taking calls up to the living third, but I didn't and I didn't seek God, and so I just filtered it through my own alcoholic, my hockey brain system, and by the time it came out, it wasn't prayer and meditation. I didn't approve anything and I wasn't loving and I wasn't self forgetting and I was thinking about me. And I came home and I said to my wife we need to have a sit down at thirty and nine. I said we need to sell everything for the you guys that are in the Great House. We weren't going to have a place to live for my son and my wife that lived in the house. We were live and they were going to have a place to live. We're going to sell everything, we're going to go to Tennessee, which to me sounded like I heard it from the Lord as I was walking the door. I had never been in Tennessee, but I knew that there's a better life in Tennessee and I don't even know anybody in Tennessee, but I just know it's better than here because it's less expensive, and I just look, and so I looked at before I spoke to my wife. I put in Zillo, cheap and big, and there was a place in Tennessee. So I figured we're going on Tennessee and I didn't talk to God, I didn't pray, I didn't meditate, I didn't listen and I told my wife were going to Tennessee and she looked at me just like you looked at me, like you're a real whackle. She goes, what's the plan? I go what's she goes, what's the plan? I we're going to get her like a farm type of place and we're going to do JAC's over in Tennessee and maybe with a twain and and I don't know. It sounded amazing to me in my brain until I set it out and my wife looked at me like what's wrong with you? And so what did I do? It because I didn't check with the Creator and I didn't seek through prayer, meditation and I didn't listen. I came up with all sorts of absurd ideas and it filtered through my alcoholism and it was totally counterproductive to what he was trying to say to me. What Russell was saying to us on Sunday night is that it needed to trust. And what I heard is I'm not all that and I have to remember that I have a thinker that, just twenty two years ago, when I was sober seven years, told me to take substances that were not drugs to get me high, but drugs that were could kill me, because I thought I was a bodybuilder. And that's the same brain that I used this Sunday, twenty one years later into sobriety, to come up with the idea where we were going to be living in the next six months, because I was running on fear. So what I needed to do? First of all, I...

...needed convest it to the people closest to me, my mom, and apologize to my wife. She still, she still, she's you know, it was just a couple days ago. It just happened on Sunday. This is Tuesday. So I totally immediately apologized because I made the whole house on safe and then, and then since then, what have I been doing? Just a me on then we're going to end. You know I've been doing. I've been doing a lot of listening. My sponsor, who never really calls me because I'm supposed to call him, called me twice in one day, first time in the history, on Monday, not knowing that I was a complete mental mental case called me twice and one day its what's wrong with you? I've got my mental case. He's like, you have alcoholism. I'm like, but I have no money. He goes, you didn't have any money. Has the what's the problem today? I going now. I'm aware of it. I listened to people around me, I listen to my mom, I listen to the Lord. I sought through him, I saw to prayer, meditation to improve my conscious contact with him. I'm going to get through this. How's going to get through this? Ivan is getting through this. Joe Anne's getting through this. My Mom that just saw my dad fifty two years may God dress his soul, Korean War. Here she's getting through it, one day at a time, with one hand on the Lord and another hand of people were going to help. We're going to get this through this together and we're going to listen to him and he's going to show us what to do and I'll see you guys next week. I.

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