AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 107 · 8 months ago

Stevie B. Step 1 at the 12 Step House 3/8/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Stevie B. Step 1 at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 03/08/2022

Sorry, Bouty, my name is Steve. You be I'm recovering alcoholic. Remember the Golden Text Group of Hollywood Florida, and I'm really, really happy to be here with you guys tonight. So step one we made where powerless or alcohol, that our lives become a manageable I just took a phone call just now in the middle of a meeting, only because the text said it was a nine one situation, and so I ran over there to take the one situation. It was for my friend that I spoke to this afternoon. Youn't want to let go over his apartment. This is apartment and stuff will really, really important to him and his car was really important. So he didn't want to stop drinking. Could admit that he was powerless or alcohol. Couldn't see this life as a manageable we're talking to him for about a month. An amazing job, that great car, a nice apartment. Did want to let go with the car in the department. It just passed just now to make it through the night. I spoke to him his afternoon. He said, I'll get back to you. I can't like over the car. I can't look over the apartment. I said we're going to get a whole team of people where to get them over there. I got painters, I got friends will put your stuff in storage. You don't have to do anything. All you need to say yes, just admit that you're powerless and we'll have alcoholics, anonyms will come in with alcoholics and nons will coming with painters. Will Get yourself moved out, like I did for Jerry, and we'll put your stuff in storage and you can get and you can get this thing. So I'll call you back. I was hanging out with some other men this week and from the west side of men's group, they had a retreat. I was hanging out with these guys on Saturday and I appreciate them being here, and this girl was texting me. She said, I hope you're not disappointed to me. I said no, of course my wife and I. We think the world of your name is Janina. We've been working with her for about two years. Said, I hope you're not disappointed me. I said no, of course not. My wife and I love you. Speaking to all night on Saturday night. She died yesterday. She's got two kids. If I can't admit that I'm powerless, over my addiction. My addiction will be more powerful than me. Two deaths in the last two days totally unnecessary. We have a totally treatable disease. As Paul says, we are the fortunate ones, but we're going to have to know where fortunate this program, these twelve steps. I'm going to highly recommend that, if you want to do this twelve steps with us this over the next over the next week's that I'm going to ask you to bring a big book. I could to judge you if you don't, but we're going to be in the big book. I'm going to be going page by page. I don't sound that sounds Bory, but it's not. It's going to be life changing. And you want to have the basic text of our program. It's called alcoholics anonymous basic text. You want to have it. And then when we say on page sixty three, you'll be able to go to page sixty two. When we talk about the third steppery be able to go to sixty two. When we talk about the fifth step, would be able to go to that. And you'll have to see see what these people did before us with this amazing text. I know you guys are coming off this high with Russell and it was incredible and you don't have to you know it just he does all the work for you. But that's not going to be me. I'm going to be where. I'm going to ask you to participate with you and ask you to go to the page. I didn't have a dream to come into alcoholics anonymous is not my dream, not my go other than like, it was exciting thing for me being from Long Island New York, like, Oh, someday I'm going to be hanging out the twelve the house with you people. I saw myself as like a wise guy, like a bronx tail type of guy, like you know, like I want to be on Mulberry streeting CANNOLI's.

I don't want to hang out with you people. But I was born with something inside me. I was born with an alcohol is a problem inside me before I ever took a first drink. I didn't become an alcoholic because I drank too much. I drank too much because I was an alcoholic before I ever took my first drink. Hey, John G I didn't even know I had a problem. I just thought everybody else had given. They had given the kids in the school, all the answers and I missed that entire quarter. When I got to the playground and everyone's like hey, high five in each other and spinning that thing that goes around, the merry go round, and I wanted to push it the other way and the kids like, why don't you just go with the FAM like, no one looks like it's going to be more fun that way. I've been doing that my whole line. I thought that my problems were of you're making. You made my problems. Everybody in my neighborhood had big brothers, and in my neighborhood, if you had a big brother, that's where you would get your backing, that's where you would get your juice. There was the wagon is, the Mundinger's, the Mata's, the woolies, they all had big brothers, two or three big brothers. When they would walk to the playground, everyone would give them respect because they would walk like as a pack. I had a Chubby sister. You get no juice holding your little sister's hands, no juice. So I felt that if I had a big brother or two, like everyone else in my neighborhood, it that I would have had built in respect and I was resentful I was the only kid that only had a little sister in that big brothers. And then when I was in the seventh grade we had a visiting coach, that can or new coach, I'm not sure, and the coach came into the school. I went to a big school, at two thousand kids, and the coach was going down the roster and he gets to my last name. He says Boyarsky and I say yes, coach. He goes, does your brother play for the Pittsburgh Panthers? If you don't have a brother or he doesn't play for the Pittsburgh Panthers, it's a very easy answer. But I know right at that moment my life's about the Cham. I'm not going to just pass this up because I don't have a brother. Got Let a little nuance like that change my life. The coaches as me, if I have a little I'm a big brother. That place for the Pittsburgh Panthers. So I took this opportunity to say yes, I do. You know what I'm saying, Hudson Right. I took that opportunity and all the kids that were around me that knew I had a step brother that was a pummer from Massachusetts. They all looked at me. Look, what are you talking about? I'll go that's my brother, because when you don't feel like in anybody and you can lie and maybe possibly be a somebody, you're going to realize that lying to be a somebody is worth the price you must pay if you're a nobody. And my whole life, before alcoholics, anonymous and a relationship with God, I was a nobody. I had a spiritual ailment before I was ever a Lem, and I did that thing with a brother, Jerry Boyarsky. I had newspaper Clippings and jerseys I carried around...

...and that tastes shake case of information on him, and when he got a drafted into the NFL, it was like the greatest day of my life. My parents were like, why do you make it such a big deal of the guy with the same last name? Because he did. They didn't know that I was telling everyone school that that was my brother lying for me. It's second nature. The principle behind the first step that we're talking about tonight is honesty. I want to share with you if you have having problem with honesty. Everyone has problem with honesty when they come in, but you're going to have to be prepared that honesty is going to be the thing that keeps you here sober in the program. Alcoholics anonymous. Now, don't worry, don't freak out if you're a liar, cheater or a thief right now, because if you haven't worked the steps that we're going to be talking about, that's going to be a natural attrition. What she means. It's going to go away. You're going to see where dishonesty is not going to be your friend down there down the line. Would get to the fourth and fifth step when we do that in here or when we discuss it. But honesty is the principle behind the first step, because without honesty you can't stay clean, can't Hazel. Now that was a big deal for me because I've been lying like professionally since I'm eight, really even younger than that, but I know I'm in a room of liars. Yeah, yeah, that was our original drug of choice. I like to say I was unmanageable when I was eleven twelve years old before I ever took a first drink, because I wanted to always hang out with the cool kids in school. I always wanted to be with the cool kids. I, like anybody, would write, but I didn't feel worthy. So one day I was the first day that I was alone in the House with my little sister, and, by the way, she grew up to be a super model, beautiful. So that that's Joe Garny. She was just her and I in the House and my parents were out for the first time. I was twelve and they had some very serious emergency situations going on and I knew this was a great opportunity to go and ring the doorbell of Kevin. Kevin was the toughest guy on my blood for for our age group. He had got left back, so he was he was older than and he was already and he was tougher. And so I went to go to rig Kevin's doorbell and asked him if he would want to come out and and back then we'ld say, would you like to come out and play with me? We can't say that now if you get arrested. So, but I'm just going to, you know, tell you what I meant. HMM, would you like to hang out with me? But we didn't have those words, and so I said, would you like to come hang out with me? And he goes. Why? Why would I want to hang out? You Go because because my dad's not home and you know we have guns. By the way, I just wanted to take a moment out my first step series that I was ever blessed to do, which was in two thousand and nine here in the twelve stubhouse, is because Wendy and Jimmy and the twelve, the twelve step needed this group asked me to come and do the steps here when I certainly didn't feel worthy, I certainly didn't want to do it, I did. I told them though. My Wife said, why did you? Why should you just tell Jimmy know? I said because I think that's where. That's not for me. That's what we're also. That's for Pauli. That's not for me. And my wife was there next to me. She was with that doesn't really show a lot of gratitude. And I called back to Jimmy and I said, Jimmy, I'll do it and I came here and I was scared out of my mind and and that was the first time the Lord had me speak here. The reason I bring that up, right when I talked about my dad, is my dad and mom had never missed a step series that I have ever done here in the last twelve years at the twelve step house. All my dad just passed away. He went home to be with the Lord and six months ago. This would be the first time that they're not sitting over with Wendy and...

...and so I just wanted to mention him. My dadd was a Korean war hero. He fought on Pork Chop Hill in that war and we had guns. So Kevin said, yeah, he'll come out over what because we're going to blow stuff up. And we started blowing stuff up and then Kevin got bored and he started to leave and I didn't want to leave because I, you know, I was feeling worthy, you know, because I was hanging out with someone cooler than me and tougher than me, and so for a moment I felt like I was somebody out of you've ever been there where you're like in the end crowd for like whatever that moment is, and you don't want that to end? And he started to walk away and I said, don't leave, we could play another game. Why don't you shoot at me? And I gave him a one hundred and seventy seven caliber pistol and I said shoot at me. I was willing to be shot at then rather to be alone. And I only have an he blew out my eye. Of course it wasn't his follies. Thirteen is one in a million chance that you can get your eye bowing out in one shot and I did and I was I was lying there. He wasn't aiming. When I was lying there with my eye all over a red and my sister crying on top of me, I was so already so low self esteem that I was thinking about how Kevin felt. I was saying myself, don't tell any whether Kenn did it, tell everybody that you did it. You don't want to lose the friends of a Kevin. You don't want him to judge you don't want the kids to school to judge you. Then he maybe he won't be a friend. And for twenty years I told people was a Ricichet, that little boy that had never had a drink or drug, but I had alcoholism and would give you a gun to shoot at me just so I wouldn't be alone, that little boy. It took a long time to grow up and alcohol and drugs kept me in that eleven year old spot for a very long time now. What I want to see with you is, on any given day, that little boy still in there. And I could be a thumbsucking crying as Russell would say, and I could whine about things that are in important and I can beg you not to leave me, but if I'm standing right with God, I I'm standing righteous with God, if I'm standing in knowing who I am because of who he says I am, everything's going to be okay. I took a I took trench just shortly after that. I'm half Jewish. My Dad's Jewish, the one that my my dad staying. He adopted me when I was born, and so he's the Jewish and then my mom's the Catholics. I'm a half Jewish, half Italian. Turns out I'm really all the Tali but but I grew up have Jewish, half Italian, and so my first drink it was jeck Manas Chevit's Jewish table wine, and you know what that is? It's like the drake of your people. And so when I had that glass of Manna Chevin, Jewish table wine, my life change. It was like I didn't have to lie anymore. About my brother was a that I had two eyes, that my brother was a professional football player. Jewish table wine changed my life. As soon as it went down my stuff, I was like, you know what, screw you, I am here, I am cool, I can dance, I can talk to girls, I am good in sport. All that stuff was the children to say. It felt like this is the magical licks. So this is exactly what I've been missing. I don't know if alcohol did that for you, alcohol in any form, but alcohol did that for me and I'm not just going to give up something the so magical like that just because of some incarcerations or or...

...getting kicked out of school or or some back bankruptcy type of situations. Alcohol and me are like this. The big book says there's nothing that gives us the sense of relief and comfort that that at once. As a matter of fact, one drink for me, which still, after all these years, still be phenomenal. Before I come up here to speak, I like to take a little whack before I cut. But the problem is that I wouldn't come up to speak. I'd be already on dixie highway, half naked and be on one of the trains wind up in old CALAGO. How did I get here? And so I have to admit that I'm powerless over alcohol that on my life had become a management. But it really is easy to see, isn't it? I was so easy for my rich, rich seat, Jerry's by the way, rich from total appliance that had the car. Rich is the one that just died, just a great guy, my buddy rich, are so easy for me to see that he was powerless. It was so easy for me to see because I'm sober. It's so easy for us to see. The moment I take a drink, I have the ilusion that I'm powerful. The first step we have been with a powerful of alcohol that allies it become me as well. That's my as my buddy Chris there say hey, Chris, one year today, Chris, Chris is a real alcoholic. I'm a real alcoholic, but I'm not a pure alcoholic. Chris is a pure alcoholic. Chris is one of those big book alcoholic drink anything that there is given to you, the wicked or the better, the Spicier, the better, the more powerful. He's a serious alcoholic. Today Chris is I want. Today, Chris has one year surbriety. He has one year of sobriety because a year ago, when we pull them out of a motel, completely obliterated by the illusion of alcohol being powerful, he surrendered and he surrendered for the last three hundred and sixty five days and I'm telling you, he was one of the word. My buddy rich just went to be with the Lord. Just a couple minutes ago, my buddy Chris one year sobriety. Some girls just came to see me over at place that we have called JAC's and they came back to graduates. They had three, four five years of sobriety. My friend Janina this Sunday night died with two kids. Here's our choice. God either is or he isn't. What is our choice to be? I'm going to admit that I'm powerlesus our alcohol, that my life is a manager. When I'm going to give that away, I'm going to make an offering. I'm going to give the alcohol away and then got what God is going to return to me is a life beyond my wildest dreams. I think that's a pretty good that's a pretty good exchange. I'm fully closed today. Thank God. That's a big deal. So I came, I I liked. I'm not going to trust me, I'm not gonna do some really serious. People from alcoholics anonymous or the snaples men's group are here that they're taking notes. I'm not going to mention drugs, I promise, except for tonight, but then, but then, for the next eleven weeks, I'm not going to. So just hang on, don't anybody run out of here crazy. Okay, I want you to know there is drugs in the in the big book of Alcohols Anoos, because I before you start getting crazy, there's drugs in there. Okay, if you don't know where it is, get a big book a find drugs in the big book. Drugs is...

...part of my story. What am I to tell you? I tell you that I wrap myself up in a carpet and peeped out of a window for three days because I was on Scotch. That's still I'm not going to sound authentic. I tell you I was in a club and I did this for an entire night until my feet eight and I fell out because of perspiration. And I'd say that I did that because a wine. That that's not true. Drugs are part of my story because I'm always looking for something more and if there's not more alcohol, I want to do more stuff, and it doesn't matter what it is. I suffer from the disease of less then. So if I pour in more, I'm possibly going to be a something or somebody, and I'm looking to pour in whatever I can. So at twelve years old, of thirteen years old or fourteen years old, aft I went through all the surgeries on my eyes. Of course they would always have to give you medication, Oposycotton, different things, because I surgeries incredibly painful and I was just a child. That didn't make me an alcoholic. I was an alcoholic before I gave someone a gun. When I took the pain medication, I realized that that was like alcohol and it was in a pill and I said, wow, this produces the same type of effects quicker. And then I did something amazing. I put the two together like a reese's peanut butty comes the JAT. I was like wow, incredible. What would I give that up? And then, because I'm a product of the S in New York, I did okay, you I care to get around and I'm like I can. You know, we have our family from Italy here and I'm sorry I need to say that. And when I say I started wine, it doesn't make any sense. So I apologize. Means Beon. But because I didn't have much money, I was a waiter in the you know, one of those of the dirty dancing resorts in the Poconos, and I didn't make a lot of money in and and and the white powder costs a lot of money back back then. Even though some of you guys from the Miami area imported in. We appreciate it that you did your job, it's still cost money and you're on a waiters salary. You can't afford it, no matter how much you like the smell of it. And saw him in college. I'm in the POCONOS, I'm getting involved in this substance and but I don't have enough money to really get in trouble and I'm enjoined me in fraternity and I'm about to graduate and I'm in the Student Leaders Committee and I'm the he's going pretty good. I was never good scholastically, but I can do a good speech and so I was doing okay. I was making I was I was getting buy in school with it, with my white teeth in my hair jail. And and then, and then my uncle, who was a genius. He was down here in the Holy Cross Medical Hospital and he was a chief internest and he was the closest thing to me that that he was like my hero. He was Italian and and he didn't speak a talian. So he went to Italy and he learned how to be a doctor in Italy while they taught in Italian, while he was learning a time. That's big stuff right there where you saying, you that's big stuff. He didn't speak he was learning how to be a doctor while they were teaching him in Italian. I felt out of English in America. It was big. So I would like so I was like, wow, my I love my uncle Jaj everything that he did. He had a Jaguar when nobody had jaguars and the S and and he imported it and it came in from London and they had a household the water and an intercoastal in Fort Lauderdale and and he would...

...he had a credit line at Ruth Chris Steak House and and it just was he was a big deal. And then one day he went to Ruth Chris Steak House by himself and order two bottles of expensive champagne and drakes by himself, ordered the invited some waiters over to his house from Ruth Chris Steak House right there on the intercoast on and he died on the bottom of the swimming pool. It's like my buddy rich died tonight. My uncle Jaju, who was a millionaire and he was a genius and he was a chief interns that holy courts hospital and he had a Jaguarre and he had a house on the water and he was everything that I getdy and he traveled around the world and went to Boor a board and he did all these things. He died on the bottom of a swimming pool from alcoholism. We thought he was just a centered. Turn out he has alcoholism. My mother's only brother. He couldn't admit that he was powerless because everything in his life pointed to powerful. Dr Cascone, Dr Cascone, Dr Kascone, Dr Kascone, and he died alone on the bottom of a swimming pool. The differences his only system. My Mom, she is forty, four years of recovery. She had missed that. She's powerless. My Dad, may God rist his soul went to over twenty eight years of recovery. He admitted he was powerles over gamily. admitted he was powerless over alcohol. Twenty one years and alcoholics, and not just twenty eight years in gambles. N My uncle Jim Day was there's the richest person in our family. Had JACKUARD, lived on the coast. Couldn't admit that. It was paralleous. died on the bottom of swimming pool. And then I'm the only male heir in the family, which I'm the only male in the family, so that I inherited a lot of money. I'm in college. I like to smell cocaine. I inherited a lot of money. And then one of my butty says, you know, while we go down to Washington Heights, I don't know Washington Heights it. I know, Don knows what Washington heightss and some of you guys doing that and that guy back there with the cross and the hair, he knows what watching the heights, but I didn't know what Washington High Puns. I'm like a kid that went from like Long Island, like you know, passed the boy midspin and went to college and I didn't never hear about Washington night and he takes me down there underneath the bridges, underneath the George Washington Bridge, and then, and then I got I got schooled real quick. I thought I was a gangster. I thought I was a tough guy. I thought I was a mobster. I was nothing. I went back. I was so now I'm purchasing stuff and and and I go back and I'm having Sunday dinner with my grandfather JAC and Jason. My grandfather JC goes stevie. He opens up the paper. Back then they we always had the paper out of my houses, the Long Island, whatever we had. And he picks up the paper. He goes steade. I go, yeah, GRANDPA, it goes. Make sure you never try this stuff. It was a time of new Jack City. They had a big article in the new and the New York time and the New York without not in New York time. We didn't read the new time. Newsday. If you try this drunk once, you get addicted. No, was Newsday. It was not the post. It was newsday. Don't just start streaming out stuff. And so my GRANDPA says don't. If you ever I go, I go, GRANDPA, I will never try that stuff. I will give me the paper so that I see what I will never try. On my way back home to college, to the Poconos, you have to go through Washington Heights. I was that. I was out there with the paper, like has anybody ever seen this stuff? And I went from a kid that was going to graduate college to a kid that never came out of this. Underneath the steps in is in the fraternity house until the...

...entire house graduated and I came out one night like Willard and everyone was gone. I missed a whole semester. I smoked a whole semester up. I came out of what happened? Everybody's gone. Well, we all graduate, we're home. We couldn't find you. I was under the steps. They like you have a problem, like, I don't have a problem. You have a problem. Said No, you have a problem. I didn't feel like I had a problem, that I ran out of money, that I'm like, I have a problem, like this is a problem, I need to do this stuff now. I have no money. So I ran home to tell my parents because I didn't know what to do. I said I have a problem, but before I before I told him, I had a problem. I had hit a deer in the POLKOS. I have a lot of deer and I was a waiter at one of these destination resorts. Will you wait on the people all week and you don't get any tips until Sunday you get a nice thick Gamblo Jewish families. That even nice to Camblo. Thank you. And on my way to go to the resort I hit a deer and the deer took out the side of my car and I called on my mother and fault and I said I can't get paid because a deer hit the side of the car and they set me a bunch of money for the side of the car. And every week until I was able to get home, they every week I hit a deer like hawkwork every Friday I was like the deal hunter. I would took out of the entire population on the poping off. By the time I got home and told my parents I had a cocaine problem, they were like relieved. I they're like thank you, we could not understand what was going on. A terrible thing you telling us, but at least we know there's a reason. And then they came up with this plane to send me to the middle of the United States for kids, for under twenty one year olds. I just turned twenty one and they said me too, a place in the middle of the unit, says, and this is where the story begins. This is where the story begins. They told me you're going to go to something cold treatment. Now, back thirty two years ago, whenness was this is not common. Nobody my neighborhood went to treatment. We didn't have a neighbor that went to treatment. Not like today, when treatment is like a fourth option. You get work, you got, you know, career, marriage. Treatment is not. It wasn't like that back then. Treatment was something rare and there was a movie that just came out called no, clean and shoulder with Michael Keaton, and they got the HS tape and they put it in. They go, listen, you watched it, this is where you're going, and then they went brought me a sixpack and I watched the movie and we didn't really understand the whole concept of society. I just knew about one thing, one thing only, and and alcohol was not a big deal. So so I would drinking, my friends were coming over. Everyone's like paying respects, like I was a down. Oh, I heard you going off to the war. I'm like yeah, everybody bring it like a little basket. And so I'm watching this this movie, and I and I see that this looks actually fun and that there's there's dating and there's milkshakes, and then it's everything's going to work out, and and so and and I was used to I didn't know a lot of the United States. I being from New York. I don't know if this is other New York has maybe descended and down, I don't know, must well, west of Pennsylvania seems like almost to me, there's like a black cloud from Pennsylvania on, and then there's California. I'm not sure if I missed like an entire semes but I knew that. I knew about spring...

...break in Florida because if you're from New York, you always go to Florida for spring break. So I packed some of the same stuff that I would pack to go to spring break. Okay, I packt like a Guinea tea, five different types of Guinea teas, five gold chains, a lot of Hand Gel. I had my balloon muscle pants. I had my after last members only jacket, which is like a windbreaker and then I would always wear that like over my Guinea tea and my gold chains. And I arrived in Minnesota, Charlie, I'm February seventh, ha ha, Ha, one thousand nine hundred and ninety, not understanding that that is not a spring break type of area, and it was like negative forty two when I landed and they whisked me off to this treatment center with that which was like it was like the most freezing experience you could can imagine. I'm in a TSHIRT and and and Pajama is. Basically that's what what workout pants are, and and I get to the treatment center and then I see him, I see them. We were powerless or alcohol and then our lives would become a manager and I was not expecting to see anything about alcohol. I know thirty five thou dollar check in my pocket for my dad. I was not coming there for to get off alcohol. I just turned twenty one. I was coming there to get off one thing and one thing old. And I told the guy this, and I don't know what's going on over here, but you must not got the memo. I'm not going to try. I'm here for one thing and one thing only and and you know, basically they knew you couldn't leave. You cannot leave an indoor facility in Minnesota after nine in any place during that time, because it's just so cold. And and I went to go leave and I couldn't meet and so I stayed because I was waiting for to warm up. What's going on there? Okay, and I tell you that story because it doesn't matter why you're here. I came into alcoholics anonymous because it was frozen outside and I couldn't go anywhere. It was like Fargo. It doesn't matter if your wife ordered, your husband ordered, your code ordered, your family ordered. It's freezing outside. Your family sent you to treatment the Florida. You can't get back. You're already here. I was already there and I stayed sober for at months just on the sheer fact of I didn't have any place to go because my parents had joined a program called Narnon, which kind of teaches you tough love for attics. And back then, thirty years ago, it would they had some very serious things, like non native. It was like serious. They sent me out to Minnesota were like woefully ill prepared and then they wouldn't receive me back. I'm like, I'm freezing out there. Like go to a me would you learn that? We never even heard of a meeting like last week. We're in a program. Stay out there, and I did and I met alcoholics anonymous. It was a beautiful man by the name of Myron. Sorry, myrone was my sponsored down here. May God rest of soul. I'll be talking about him many times. But a man named Raymond Myers and he was from New York and he had a car and I was in Minneapolis without a car. So he had what I wanted and it's important to have with us as your sponsor, and I only I was looking at the outside stuff. He's Jewish, she's from New York, he has a car, you're going to be my sponsor. I think that was gon. And he showed me alcoholics ans. He took me around and I went to the oldest meeting club in Minneapolis, which is called two thousand and eighteen. Is the oldest in eating house is awesome. Charlie's or you've been there and and I met Aa but I wasn't an alcoholic. I wasn't going to stay, I was going to come in,...

I was going to get better. I was going to get off cocaine and I was going to go back home to the Lord and I was going to finish college. So now you guys bamboozled me and and then and and and told me that this is going to give me a better way of life. And I didn't even want a better life. And you told me this is going to help them with my defects of character. Even think I'd defect scared. I know I had. I know I had a cocaine problem, but I don't know I had a defective character problem. Said you're going to have a life beyond your wildest dream. Who even talks like this when you first come in here? Right for the people that are new, who even comes up with these terms? It's not like when we come in here we're going. You know, I wish I could have a light beyond my wildest dream. What is this? The wizard of Oz? We're not. We have one thing in mind. We're dying, we're throwing up, we're being arrested, we're overdosing, we're hanging on the parking lot trying to make money putting shopping cards together, and we come in andto people pulled mee to how you do where they or we lo where the fortune is. You're going to have a life behind your Willste I didn't want to like be on my wildest dream. I just don't want to smoke crack. Don't worry, it's gonna get better. Sit Down, we're going to love you. I don't want back off. I I don't even have a hunger another man in my entire life. Now everybody wants to hug you. I was using crack yesterday all but then slowly you wear us down. Let me become hugging people. We start hugging you. We just don't hugging ups is like Whoa. And I hadn't even work to step yet. And because I hadn't work a step, but I love the fellowship, I got eighteen months with no steps except for hugging in the first step, and then I had no mental defense. I had no mental defense after that. For the first drink, someone said to me, I heard that you're sober and and I have a problem with drugs, and I said that's not a problem, I have money. I had no mental defense. I was eighteen months sober, I was eighteen months clean and I had no mental disadfence after the first for the first ray, I hadn't worked. I hadn't loot of a relationship with God because I figured I was like grandfather. Didn't had Jewish entertie. I'm who knows about God more than us. We got the Old Testament in the New Testament. It doesn't work like that. And so I picked up and I found out something. But I picked up picked up these, I drank again. I found out something when I drank again that during those eighteen months my alcoholism was doing pushups and it was waiting and I did things in Minneapolis that I didn't do and a Pennsylvania when I was in college kid, because my parents did tough love and they left me out there. And it's not something I recommend that you relapse in Minnesota at that takes. You relapse here. You can just fall asleep at the beach. You relapse the Minnesota. That takes planning, takes plans serious. When is Negi, three, thou forty two bease that you don't just just hazard the relapse to freeze. So I just had to develop some new skills of survival and they're the only place that would take me in. Was a native American detox and Man Cato, and I'm not made of Native America. I told him I was. I didn't stream much in there when...

...they asked me. You know, I just not ready to be killed. And I had went from a kid in from Long Island, New York, with five gold chains and three peach matching Gucci luggage to a kid that was in a native American dtops in the middle of the Tundra of Minnesota. And I came in there the only thing I had was was a target bag, because that's what they that the main store out there is target. I had a target plastic bag and a thirty two ounce bottle of night with I went from a kid from college to to a native American. And if your name, I appreciate thank you. I'm thanking you. And I went from there to there and nobody was out to rescue me. I was going to have to figure it out. You know who is there for me? Alcoholics, anonymously God. Alcoholics anonymous of God will never let you down. I'm in the middle of Minnesota. So that's the moment I spoke a full sentence. They could see I was not native. Men and alcoholics anonyms. My sponsor came to pick me up and took me to my meeting at the Central Pacific Group and I met my next sponsor, Jerry Bear, and Jerry bear helped change my life until he placed me in the hands of Russell's pats. And Russell's fats helped change my life, as he put as he placed my hands in the in the lovely hands of our creator. But it took me a long time to get there. And next week I'm told. Me Talk to you about step too. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could well restore us to sanity and that the insanity of the second step is not just the insanity of the things we're doing when we're out there, it's the insanity of the things we do when we're in here. If we have it, turned our life on our will over to the care of God and as myself and John Gee and other people that in here that have years and years sober, we gave that away because we let the insanity come back into our sober lives. The insanity can creep back into your sober life. That's why step meetings and fellowship and service commitments and a sponsor and a relationship with God and all these things will keep you saying so that the that the desperation of insanity is does not return. Because I was insane at eleven when I gave another childhood gun, and that's still insane. Boy still lives in me, and who I feed wins and who I starve dies. Tonight, right now, in this meeting, at this moment, insanity is far away. I'm calling upon the name of our Lord. I love alcohols anonymous, I love you, but in a moment's knowness, insanity can creep back up, and that's what the magic of the second step is. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restores the sanity, sober or not sober, and sanity is a real thing. Now I'm going to either ad minute or I'm going to walk around here like, Oh, it sadity's impossible for me. And then at that and that moment, the moment I say that in Sanitay said, as I got you and I'm going to share with you next week, when I was in the eleven step group with Wendy and how the insanity of of me, of Stevie B took over my life and how it's six years and five years sober. I became more insane because I was not working the steps getting closer to God, and I'm going to tell you those stories next to you. This is some fun stories and they and maybe I might have to mention drugs one more time next week, but that's ITA for next...

...week. Thank you, guys. I.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (142)