AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 106 · 6 months ago

Paul B. Step 12 at the 12 Step House 3/1/2022

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Paul B. Step 12 at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 03/01/2022

... I have a service commitment at the old timers meeting on Saturday night because they needed a GSR and I didn't want to do it. So I've volunteered it. I've on here because I was taught just do all the stuff you don't want to do and you'll be okay. So I do that today, but most of the stuff I like to do today. My sobriety dates April seventeen, one thousand nine hundred and eighty five. I am fund necessary to take a drink since then. I didn't have continuous sobriety. When I first came around, I was just here kicking tires. I was looking pretty easier, softer way. I was looking for a girlfriend with a house in a car. Yeah, actually I did more than once. And I tell you what, it's great to be in this room tonight. At the end of the meeting we're going to have a moment of silence and I I'm going to ask you two favors. I want you to keep Russell spats in your prayers because it's a little bit under the weather and a guy like Russell only come around once in a while to do the service he does with his message. We are so fortunate to have a guy like that in alcoholics anonymous. He goes any lengths, travels all over the country doing meetings and Stepe series and he's the wrench for most of us nuts, that's for sure. And also, I was wondering if they if they had so we want to have a prayer for Russell and I was wondering today if they had meetings and in Kiev. So I looked it up. Tonight at seven o'clock. The name of the group in Ukraine is a spiritual awakening. Group started seven o'clock. So I guess that you'll keep the alkey's in both countries over there prayers for them. To go through what they're going through and not pick up a drink would indeed be miraculous. So we just want to send out some prayers and good thoughts for those people. I went to my first meeting, I took up my first drink when I was thirteen years old in Miami shores and I had my last drink in New Orleans when I was thirty three years old. I say...

...that to qualify to show you that I do belong here. I went to my first meeting in New Orleans. I didn't identify, I did stay. I love the people that brought me there. They were people that I was running a nightclub and they bought non confidence approve white material from me and they paid up front and they shared. You know. So when you got clients like that paying up front and sharing, you love those people and I love these people. And she was attractive and he was a a rough nose Toalian, but they drank or I worked. They were good tippers and that's all I knew about people. That's all I could identify with was how you treated me and and how if you acted like me. and Liz goes away one day to home for the nervous. Today they call the treatment centers. Liz destroyed everything in the apartment in some kind of psychosis, so they take lizawet at home for the nervous. I'm concerned about Liz because I like Liz. I know nothing about drug addiction and alcohol. The only problem I have with drug addiction alcohol. It's a problem when I can't get it. But worked in a bar, so I didn't have any problems with that. And I ran into Liz one day at a barbecue and she's I see her coming. So, Liz, how are you doing? CONCERNED ABOUT LIZ? Now I got one foot in the grave. I'm killing myself a day at a time, but I don't know it. and Liz says something totally far into me. Just Paul, I'm doing great. Set found this program that teaches him I don't have to use drugs and alcohol anymore. And I said, man lives, what a drag. That must be hungry. I felt like I should have been in that meeting. And Ukraine. I didn't understand that it all, but there was a certain look and Liz's eyes that was something different, the sick and suffering, and I was I saw it in a couple of weeks later they brought me to my first meeting. That was contempt prior to investigation. Anybody in this room ember have contempt prior to investigation? Yeah, yeah, so I'm in that meeting. I'm reading all the twelve steps and working them right there thirty seconds and I know this ain't going to work for me. I know there's people, the people I see in the meeting. I don't really care for him because I've kicked them out of that night called I'm running it and and I don't stay very long and eventually I work...

...my way back here. So Ross would normally be on the twelve step tonight. We think and twelve step reads having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. We tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Now that's kind of a tough order, but because I've worked the first eleven steps, I've had a spiritual awaken I try to practice the principles behind all of the steps and then our duty is to carry this message to the next person God puts in front of us. And you see it in this room. This room is full of people that are involved in service. Jimmy's coming here every Tuesday night for thirty years making sure this meeting's going Nancy's here quite often put the decorations around the him. Sheldon comes here and set ups the zone for Rust Andrew Dawn. These are people that are carrying a message. These are people that are in the midst of a spiritual awakening through service, a profound personality change. You know in the back of the book it talks about a spiritual experience, spiritual awakening. The term spiritual experience and spiritual awaken I use many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism, as manifests itself in many different forms. Now, when they wrote the book, this wasn't in the first edition. This didn't was an added to him one thousand nine hundred and fifty because alcoholics around the world started writing General Service because bill had a white light experience and people weren't having that white light experience and they were wondering if they were doing it right. So they wrote this chapter to show that it's more minds, more of the personality change, like, I would imagine a lot of the people in here. But I don't understand I'm having it, why I'm going through it now. I know there are people in it I've had white like experienced a sponsored one that had one and they can never explain it to you, they just know...

...they had it. I didn't have that. Mine was when I meet Tony and Liz and they bring me in to my first meeting. Mine was when I began for me, when I put my hand on the first door of the AA and room I went into. Mine was when I picked on my last white ship. Mine was when I someone offered me a drink for the first time. I said no and I understood the question and I said No. Mine began when some one gave me change for twenty and I had given them a ten. I said no, that that's the wrong change. Now we don't understand what's going on within this one. We're going through this stuff, but if you keep coming back here, it's promised. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, you try to carry this message, you practice these principles. There's a power in these rooms. Is a power in each and every one of us. The book tells US deep down inside of us there's a power. There's God within us. So I had to start working on finding that God within me. I had to really know that I was powerless over alcohol. My life was unbearable. My last drunk took away all the reservations I needed. My relapse on Mr plane leaving New Orleans twice. So I end up in a cab outside for a loader to the airport, and cab drivers is where you've been. I said, I've been in New Orleans, have been party in a weekend and he says I don't drink anymore. And that whole ride on the plane back I'm thinking I'm not going to pick up a white ship. I've got that Ping Pong match. You know that reservation. GO TO PICK UP A chip. You're going to make a commitment. You're going to try and roll the dice and get away with this again the back of our coin, assist to that own best self and true. So tell the cab drivers and man, I've been on a relapse all weekend. I said, how do you? How you not drinking? Says I go to AA meetings of all the cabs, I watch go buy and I end up in this guy's cab. A little wakening of my spirit. Damn right. I should have had a white light experience there. And I tell them and he takes me home and put my suitcase away and he brings me to a meeting on the Wednesday April, Seventeen Bo and that's when I picked up my last white ship. That's when I can see...

...to my inner most self, so that my mind is gradual and I don't know when I'm going through it, but I know what I'm going backwards, U Pint. Careful reading shows that personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism, as manifests itself in many different forms. So those are a few of my forms, as many more. Yeah, it's true. In our first printing gave many readers the impression that their personality change is a religious experience. Must be able the nature of a sudden and expected spectacular upheavals. Bill gets on his knees and says, you know, if if you're out there God, reveal yourself to me, and the whole room lights up, the breeze comes through it. So that's that's what they thought it was going to happen to them. What happened to build. But it wasn't. They weren't sure if they were doing it right. So that's when they put this in, happily for everyone. This conclusion is erroneous and the first few chapters a number of sudden revolutionstionary changes are described. Bill Story had becomes and talks to bill. Dr Young Tells Roland you need a deep and effective spiritual experience if you want to recover. He asks there any hope for me? Says yes, we must change your ideas, our emotions, in our attitudes. If you came here tonight, that's a change in your ideas, in your emotions and your attitudes. It's going on for you like it's going on for me. It's happening. You're in the midst of enjoy it. God's doing for us. Well, we can't do for ourselves. In my case, absolutely, I kind of understood that I belonged here and then I started to plug in. So the next part of my spiritual experiences, I want to drink. On that Friday after picking up that white ship and I go to a meeting. For the first time ever, I'm going to plug into a group that I'm at say I feel like drinking today. I right on the disease. I tell on it totally far know anything I had ever done before. You know, I'm thinking, how easily does a this too shall pass, and then you leave romancing and drinking. Before you know, you thinking about drinking. But I did some totally against my nature. I humbly raised my hands I feel like drinking today because I knew what I was an alcoholic and I didn't want to drink. And a group came around me and I started using that group as the power greater than myself. So it is a power in these rooms, whether you know what it is or not. Look around you. People Ain't drinking here. Try to hold on to that. If...

...you know nobody's drinking, anybody thinking about drinking. It's okay if you are. Look at that roomful alky's. Nobody's thinking about drinking. Some them are full of Shit. I know that. I understand. I was like that to man. I could tell the truth that ten years so I tell the group and they come around me and I start using them, and what it did for me is it made it much easier for me to tell on my disease every other time among a rapidly growing membership of thousand. Such transformations, though frequent, are by no means the rule. Most of our experience are what the psychologist William James Calls the educational variety, because they developed slowly over a period of time. That's my story. Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes, he finally realizes he has gone to a profound alteration in his reaction to life. That such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. I can never do any of this stuff on my own. The grace of God has entered into me through you people at meetings like this to show me that you don't have to drink today and you can have a spiritual awakening as a result that he steps, that there's a power here. The we part of alcoholics, anonymous. Together we have the power to stay away from a drink. So I come to believe I start using the group that was slowly restoring me to sanity. I'm coming up on ninety days and I'm going to you know, the code for I want to drink starts swirling in my mind. All my relapses were in New Orleans and I'm thinking my daughter, my oldest daughter, lives there, to hey, I should go see how Julie Storm which you know. That's code I want to drink. I want to see how my friends in the bars are doing. I hung out with nothing but musicians and other bar people and people have played golf with, and when I would see them, I'm comparing my insides to their outsides. It look like they're having a good time. Very common for people like us, and never be contented on the inside. You know, if I had this girl, if I had that car, if I had this job, this amount of money, my life would be okay. In a book tells us, you all, where we're going to get that stuff is we put spiritual needs...

...first. Never before. You want a good job, I have, the spirits will awaken and as a result these steps. You want a good relationship, put the first eleven proposals into your life and the principles before them, and it can happen for you. I'll promise you. We find a new freedom and a new happiness here. Even on our bad days, even on our worst days, we see people both through horrific stuff and they don't drink. God makes that possible. God is the one who has all power. May you find him now, deep down the side of us, he's living. It's my what I have to do is continue to search for him and connect with him on a daily basis. So on this first page, on five hundred and sixty seven, change change upheable's change, change such transformation, the education of variety that develop a slowly, over a period of time, profound alteration, change. And what that brings me to is a god consciousness that I need him. I need him at all my affairs, not what I want to pick and choose, because when I pick and choose is I'm screwed. I've been picking bad since I was a kid. So that's why I got to have a home group and I got to have a sponsor and I got to participate in that home group and I got to really find out what alcoholics anonymous is about. So I use the group and then I make a decision to to turn my will in my life over to the care of God, the Care of God my father, our father. I used the Lord's prayer, the God within me, how I'm going to connect with the God in you. And then I start reading the book, because that that's what the book tells me. If you honestly, when you honestly want to and you find you cannot quit entirely, or when, if drinking, you have little control over the amountain you take, you're probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may suffering. You may be suffering illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Lack of power. That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live and had to be a power of greater than ourselves. Obviously, but where do we find that power? Well, that's what this book is about, tells us right here. Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object isn't...

...to name enable you to find a power greater than ourselves to solve your problem. At this time I'm reading this it's the drink problem. But as I continue in the steps and I find out that I'm consumed with defects of character and shortcomings. I know that's hard to believe looking at this angelous face, I'm consumed with them. The booze is just but a symptom my selfishness, my self centeredness, my pride ego image. It's all on page forty eight, the twelve and twelve seven deadly sins. If you're struggling in some area your life, please look at those. Read this book. Most important senses, the shortest sense in this book, top of one hundred twelve. Read this book because this is where I start to find a power greater than myself. Based on the story, Bill Story from we agnostics, the whole first four chapters are talking to me about my alcoholism. I can see it, I can feel it. I can understand it. Page forty seven. Asked once. This is my second step. Question. Do I now believe? Am I willing to believe? There's a power greater than myself? I see you, I see it in this room, working with you people. I see it as a power. Nobody's drinking here. I can see that, I can feel it. So how am I going to what am I going to do now? I get on my knees, I say a prayer. Leave me in the bonds yourself. Show me how to do the show me the way, Lord, and I go on and I pick up a pen and for the first time, I do a fearless and moral, honest inventory of my fears, my resentments. My arm's done other and I got to look at this shit because this is me, this is me on this paper, and I got to own up to it and I don't feel good about that. I had a little something came up on facebook this week, something that brought back a lousy memory for me. One of my girlfriends I want to put up at the worst part of my drug addiction, alcoholism. She got married. Beautiful picture her on facebook and I was happy for her, but this was the kind of guy I was when I was dating her. I'm the kind of guy that goes out with a roast beef sandwich. She comes back two days later. I got the sandwich, but that's the kind...

...of in considerate guy I am. Unfortunately, she gets pregnant. We got to go have an abortion. Two weeks later I ask you for half the money back. That's pretty sad right, but that's how selfish and self centered I was. I did give a shit about her. I needed the money to buy some dope. What I put her through to be where I was. To be sitting up here tonight, coming up on thirty seven years, quite amazing. Only through the grace of God, people like you and meetings like this I'm able to show you what God can do for us. Doesn't matter. Our deep, dark past becomes our greatest asset. So if you're dealing with some lovesy shit you did, write it down, share it with somebody and move on. The book says we do this quickly and then we really get to the exact nature the defects, in the shortcomings, the things that keep me separated from you, keep me separated from God. They're on that paper. I'm going to share it to another person the end of my isolation. Anybody in here holding on a secrets tonight? Yeah, okay, Richard, beautiful, and I the only one. There is a saying here we're only as sick as our secrets, man, and that is my experience. They held on the secrets my first ten years and recovered I was baring my boss of money. He didn't know it. It's called himbezzelment and I had to deal with that and I had to go to him and tell him what I was doing and once again what it was. I had no faith, I had no trust, I didn't trust God. I started running my own show, lying to myself every single day. I'll put it back, I'll do this, I'll do that, just horseship until I surrendered to that part of my disease and I went and talked to him and we set up this pain plan and I worked my way out of that and he very easily could have fired me, but he was one of us and he understood how nuts I was. But he also saw a lot of good qualities in me and he gave me a break more than once. My resentment to him. He he cheated me out of five hundred dollars in a deal one day and that's how I doubt what it instead of talking to him man on man, because God gave me brains to use, I should go talk to him about this. Not Me. I was enjoying that resentment, sick suffering, but...

God brought me to my knees in that area of my life with those defects of character. That's part of my awakening the spirit. I can't live that way anymore. So if you're struggling with some tonight, please get it off your chest, because that's the kind of stuff that takes us out the door. Secrets. Try to let go and find some faith and trust of God. As you understand them, talk about it, write it down, you know. And then we were willing, were become willing to let that stuff go and we humbly ask him and then we make a list and we start making amends. We humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. Humbly. When they first write the book it's only two paragraphs on six and seven. But fifteen years later bill has a lot more direction and understanding about alcoholism and his own life and his own record. You know, he's sponsored half two people in and alcoholics anonymous, starting meetings all over the place. And this is an important paragraph that I've been reading lately. It's the last paragraph and step seven in the twelve and twelve. Step seven is we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves and towards others and towards God. The whole emphasis on step seven is humility is really same to us. What we now ought to be willing to try, humility and seeking the removal of our shortcomings, just as we did with alcohol. I ask God to take away the obsession of drink and it went. Now I got to turn the money and the relationships and the job and the stuff that people like us deal with every day. I got a humbly ask him to direct my thinking in those areas. You know what, when we invite a love of God into our lives, he'll take care of it. The quicker I can surrender, the better I am. Please surrender quickly, identify the problem, humbly ask him be willing to try and seeking the removal of other shortcomings, just as we when we admit our apolos of our alcohol and came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sammy. If that degreed humility could enable us to find the grace by which such a deadly obsession could be banished, then there must be hope the same result respecting any other problem we could possibly have. So we try...

...to live it turned over life and we try to do it quickly, and then I go on and I make my eight step, my ninth step, and I have a daily routine that I take my own inventory. Most of the time will leave me somemer. You are in it quite often, but I'm aware of it. A book is meant to be suggestive. Only we realize that we know only a little. God will continue is to disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation where you can do each day for the man who still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmitting something you haven't got. See to that your relationship with him is right, and great events will come to pass for you countless others. That is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and your fellows, clear away the records of the past. Give freely of what we what you find and join us. We shall be with you in a fellowship of the spirit. It will surely meet you, some of us, as you trudge the road to happy destiny. The God bless you and keep you until them. So the other thing I want to close with is this pamphlet here remembers, I view of alcoholics anonymous Best Cape secret and alcoholics anonymous is a literature. This guy, I always look for the slender threads on I've got puts people in our lives that kind of give us a message. So this guy, his name is Al McGee, and he's going to speak to a group you see la. He's going to give a talk on he's talking to people that are going to be doctors and therapists training in the field of addictions. And Al Goes and he has dinner the night before with this guy by the name of beard P and beard is a trustee at general service in New York and he said, Hey, what are you doing out here? And he says well, I'm going to give this presentation and he says let you know. Hey, can I read that? He says yeah, sure, and he reads it and the slender thread is beard really likes that and he sees something in it. So he brings it back to New York and that's how this pamphlet skipt written slender thread. Those guys don't...

...have dinner together. He doesn't read this, we might not have this. This is the pretty cool part in here. Should this heart hard one understanding of and feeling for others could be confined to the meeting halls and members of a A. He's he's talking about the people are shit around them, people that normally wouldn't mix. Catholics, Americans, Frenchmen, Mexicans, Jews, muzzled HINDAM black and Brown people. I'm aware that I'm only sitting next to an alcoholic. That's pretty good, that we try not to see color in this room, that we try to really try to help each other. Book says we got to lay a lay aside all prejudice. Can I there, in the house hold of God know what, I am sitting next to another white man, another Catholic on the other, American or French in Mexican, Jew Hinto, black or Brown, not even another alcoholic. And and I can finally, at long let please, God, come home from all the wars and say are very depths in my soul. I'm sitting next to another human being. Ladies and gentlemen, we would dare to attempt to analyze the phenomenon, a diagram, a wonder, a miracle. The answer is only a fool, and I trust that tonight I have been such a fool. I have tried to do is tell you what I've been for the past sixteen years, some things I have come to believe because of my journeys. This coming Sunday, in churches many of us, it will be read a portion of the Gospel of Matthew, which recounts the time when John The baptist was languishing in the prison of hard and hearing of the works of his cousin Jesus, he sent two disciples to say to him, Art Thou, he has come to or shall we look for another? He wants to know you, the Messiah Jesus. Don't answer them, and Christ did as he's so often did. Does Not answer them directly, but he wanted John to decide, and so he said that the disciples go back and report to John what you heard, and what you have seen. The blind can see, the lame...

...can walk, the lepers are cleansed. The deaf here the dead rise. The poor had the gospel to preach to them. Back in my childhood Kazar Kism days, I was taught that the poor in this instant did not mean only poor in material sense, or also meant porn spirit. How was your spirit when you showed up here? Huh, pretty bad porn spirit, I was taught. But also meant those who burned with an inner hunger and inner thirst and I wanted to stop drinking and news and I just didn't know how. I had to something going on. I had turned it in a person I said I would never be and that the word Gospel meant quite literally, the good news. More than sixteen years ago, four men, my boss, my physician, my pastor and the one felt I friend I had left working together, maneuvered me to an AA meeting tonight. If I were to ask, tell us, what did you find at that first meeting, I would say to them what I now say to you. I can tell you only what I have heard and seen. It seems that the blind do see, the laying do walk, the lepers are cleansed the deaf. Here the dead rise over and over again, in the middle of the longest days, in the darkest nights, all poor and spirit had the good news told to them. God granted always be that way. So here's the good news for people like us. It works. It really does. Thank you very much.

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