AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 105 · 4 months ago

Russell S. Talk 9 at the 12 Step House 02/22/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 9 at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 02/22/2022

My Name's Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. Can y'all hear me back there? Great remember the South Tics of rope? I'm a recovering, recovered alcoholic. I don't want to get involved in any controversy. Excited swing both ways. You know, I'm recovered from I'm a I'm an alcoholic. Used to have a drinking problem. So now I just Sawer from alcoholism, that thing that you know, what is its is alcohols, but symbtom oars. These are really thea said, it's on mine, on our body. So I'm seventy two years of age. I've been sober from a little forty two years, not little forty one years. I'm in my forty two year of sobriety. You know, I was just thinking. Shouldn't do that. I don't think that my I don't think that much any I used to. Used to be a great thinker. How people, how many people here, think a lot? Yeah, how's that working out for you? That working out for you? Well, I'll tell you. That's alcoholics, for you great, great thinkers. So I was yeah, you know, I drank for fifteen years. I started drinking when I was fifteen years old and no record in here, but you know, and I stopped. I came day when I was thirty one. That was fifteen, sixteen years, something like that, and so I've been sober over forty one years. So I don't know, I can't do the math. It's too would I would require me to think, but like I do that. I don't know. That's twenty six years of recovery, more twenty six years of more of not drinking and recovering and alcoholics anonymous than when I spend time drinking. And I'm looking at them steps that we look at right there, and you know what I noticed? The first step talks about alcohol and the rest of the steps talk about God. First step talks about and tilly ready have God. Remove that. I mean we admit we were palace over alcohol and a lots of become unmanageable and then we stopped drinking. The rest of steps talk about faith, thank God. You know, I know not all the steps say God, but I've read them all and I've done them all and I know what they're doing. I know that four step and that fifth step is all about and removing any impediments between our self and that divine spirit that God that's going to transform us. And I know that six and seven is about becoming entirely ready, now serious, in serious, entirely ready to have God remove all these deficts of bad and I know that that's the thing that separates us out, the men from the boys. And I know that the book says that the six step is about that man or woman who are seriously trying to grow in the image and likeness of our creator with the capital Cy God. And I know what a nine is, because I know what that's all about. I know why we have to make amends, because I've read sermon on the mount which is one of the primary books a is based upon, and I know about the concept of before you go to God, you have to get rid of that crap that you did other people and you make amends, you know, and that whole thing, and sermon on the mount where it says if you bring your sacrifice to the altar and you know something your brother has against you, first go to your brother and fix yourself up with your brother and get right with that and then you can come to me. So I know that that's all about God and I know the Ted step is all about clearing away any of the other crap that's going on continuously. So, instead of worrying about what they think about you or what he thinks about your what she thinks about you,...

...or why did you do this and why do they say? Instead of thing of that God stuff, you can focus on God with a clearer conscience. And I know the eleven step comes right out and says it improve your conscious gontact with God. So, and I know it took says that's what we talked to other people about. So I know I got one step that talks about alcohol and I've got a lot of step the talks about God and how to get to God and everything like that. And I go to these a means and I essentially hear two things. This more than two things. This is a generalization and I'm not putting it down. I'm just an observation. I hear because we're supposed to tell what it was like, what happens and what it's like. Now you've heard, then this is what I hear. I hear people when they tell this story, no matter how so long they're sober. What they say is that they say what's called but we refer to as a drunk alot. It's an interesting concept when you think about I've got what forty one years sobriety, right, my forty two year, and there people here with ten years and five years, fifteen, twenty years, three months that recovered from that hopeless state of mind, the body. We're not drinking anymore. And so we talked about and we luxuriate in and we like to hear and it's okay. We like to hear drunk a lot. You know, the good in your drunk a lots. It sort of reminds us of what it was like for us. What does God done for us? If you're a new person, you know, I'll show you belong here. And you hear a drunk a log. You say, yeah, that's me. I'm like that. It's identification. So we got a lot of drunk a lots. And then if you go to some means, you hear a lot of your some winding and crying. Right, there's some thumb sucking cry. You here's I'm my girlfriend left me. I'm like very depressed and I lost my job. I feel like killing my you hear that stuff, you know right, but you know what, you don't hear that much it's kind of surprising when you think about it, considering that eleven steps are devoted to it and nobody's drinking here. Nobody's drinking here and we're all recovering from what was it? You know what? You don't hear a lot of you don't hear a lot of faithful logs. You don't hear a lot of faith the logs, do you? You got eleven steps talking about the Bellomy and a faithful God. Never apologize for that. Faith in God, understanding that all men of faith have courage. They trust their God. May your real reliance has to be on God. The thing that separates a member of the boys is the men of those were trying to grow in the image likens to their creator, God, and that's the whole thing. And nobody hears. Nobody here has a drinking problem. And all the other steps are about faith, but you don't here anybody talking about get up there and said, I want to give you my faith, a lot, as a matter of fact, and I may be wrong about this, but I want to say it right here and right now. Just in case I'm right, I'll put in a copyright on that sucker. I think on this is the first time in forty one years I've ever heard anybody use the term faithful lot. So if next week in California somebody says that, I want to make sure everyboddy knows he got it from me. Think about it. Here we are in alcoholics anonymous and we talked about drunk a lots. We talked about our problems,...

...but nobody would dare get up and say I used to drink alcohol. I haven't had a drink in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Let me tell you about my faithful lot. As a matter of fact, there are some rooms and some people that would take offense at that. They would take a fan, they would say they come and say we don't talk about that stuff. In a you might chase the way a newcomer. And yet isn't it strange that people come in here and they stopped drinking and you hear about and every day and they aint. You hear about a guy who says I had a year and then I drank. I'm coming back. I got ninety days again, had twenty three years that I drank. All the time you hear about people drinking again and drinking again and drinking again. Sometimes they have to learn to long from sobriety right, but rarely do you hear a person say I've got forty years and I've been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. I've had God remove my fear of people in an economic insecurity. I've learned to experience heaven and I know peace. I'm experiencing the joy of living. You only hear that that often. You know what I mean. You're drunk, a logs, a lot here, problems, a lot O faith alogs. You know I'm thinking. I'm just a theory of theory. Maybe the reason there are so many people that are slipping and sliding after they have after they have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. Maybe the reason why people, someone people are drinking is because they come in day a and they hear about drunk a lot and they hear about problems, but they don't hear about any faithful logs. Maybe the lack of faith alogs is why people drink. Maybe the lack of faith a loogs is why people aren't rocketed in to the fourth dimension of existence. Maybe people just don't hear that there's something more than just not drinking. Maybe people don't hear that you really can experience heaven. Maybe people don't hear testimony where people are excited for God and are experience too much of heaven. Maybe there's just not a lot of that going around. Maybe people basically see that when people even hint it stuff like that, other people say, you know, we don't. You don't talk about that stuff in AA. Maybe that's maybe that's the problem. You ever think about that? I wonder what means would be like if even if we just hadn't balanced out. Some people talk about drunk lots and some people talk about Papal Lots. I wonder what. I wonder whether many would. Maybe. I wonder if there are many more people that drink after ninety days, six months, ten years of treading water in here doing what I knuckle sobriety and not thinking there's anything more. I got ten there's nothing more than this. I wonder for people would really be at a different level of this deal and really doing the second step and really chasten after God, if there were people that at the courage or the ability to share their faithful lots. You know...

...what I mean? I mean, look, let's face at the trunklogs he's drug a logs. He anybody can do a drunk a lot. I mean, you know, you want to get up in front of a two hundred, three hundred, three thousand people and, you know, for half an hour, an hour, and try to hold their attach and just talk about and then I drank and then I drank and then I drank, and then I drank and then I drank. Ain't nobody going to criticize you for that? You know, always gonna say what, we don't talk about drinking an AA, you know, but what nobody needs that nobody's drinking an AA. What happens they after you stop drinking? Is Not what the problem is. Isn't the problem? The problems really not the drink it is it. It's about what happens to your life and who you are and what you become after you stop drinking. Isn't that right? I got a bunch of people in here and you wanted something. Not even worried about drinking. They're not even concerned about drinking. Drinking has any recourse their mind. Some people I come from, you know you might want to do this. Is that this? Hey, don't even worry about my droll business. You got your prom I'm not even thinking about drinking. Drinking is the last thing on their mind. And they go to a meeting and the meetings talking about drinking and drunk a lots, and so they drink it. Well, I'm at an AA meeting. But here's the deal. They're not getting fed anything they actually need, because they figured out the drunk a lot thing ten years ago, five years ago, six months ago. What they really haven't figured out, like Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I keep talking about and tell other people. or Dr Bob said, if you're an atheist agnostic, I have some sort of intellectual pride that keeps you from understand what we're really trying to tell you this book. I feel sorry for you. You're heavenly bought father will never let you down. You know so. So I we got this deal where the stuff that is really important, that will not only keep you sober for five years or ten years or fifteen years or twenty years, but until you die and rocket you to the fourth dimension of existence, or in my case, the fourth dimension of existence nobody talks about. They may slip it in a little bit, they may say grateful to God everything, but nobody even dare say I'm going to spend the next hour talking about my faithful lot. They wouldn't say something like that. You know, I'd beat a booed off the stage. Well, you know, unless they were so crazy that they didn't really care about what the twelve the people in the twelve step. We thought they only focused on God. You know, if the thing they say in the big book, the great fact is this, and that's the less, that God has become the central fact of our lives. We are convinced that who lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is the miraculous, is doing fress we can't do, because you think they just threw that crap in there. You know. Instead, above everything, we must get really selfishness. We must start kills. This God makes that possible. What's the deal? We sincerely, we utterly. What does it say? We utterly abandon ourselves to God. Abandon yourself to God and to your fellow and, you know, help your fellows, and it's all about the God. See to what your relationship with him is. Right, right, what about that? Stuff. I don't know. It's there's some connection between the faith along and the faiths? I don't know. Is there something? Is Two through twelve really about doing two through twelve? Or is it about in two? Is there? Or is it about doing two through twelve so you can have solid faith? I mean, is it just about sort of like checking the boxes?...

You know, I did through, I did three and did four, did five, since seven a Oh yeah, I did the steps, but as a year lady, you're drinking. Or is it about doing the steps and somehow, in some way, developing a solid faith in God? Really called the Archer Freedom? Do you archer freedom? You know the God thing? No, I mean, I mean, what's it really about? So why shouldn't I talk about my thy flogs? I'm it's all a little about my favor and because I think I had some do with the eleven step, probably has something to do with it. It probably has something to do with the second step, the third step and all the other steps too. So I wanted time. I'm going to tell you a little story because I and you know when a drunk a log you guys have heard drunk a logs before, right. Tell me if I'm on and it dry, because I could do a drunk alog. I'm singing there. Dad. Really don't do drunk like I never you know, somebody said I never heard you do a drunk eyes. I took the drunk a logs. I've done that. I've done a million drunk logs, but when I think of it, they're really not drunk a loogs because I never did anything really bad when I was drunk. Well, I crashed the car and almost killed the Gal and almost killed myself, but I'm not you know, that's not really bad stuff. You know I mean, because when I drank I and I maybe I get in wanted two fights and always lose, you know, but I never did anything really bad when I was drunk. It's a trick because most of the time when I drank I just go to sleep. You know, like if we were all drinking here, you know what I mean, right now, we're all drinking out at a party. They'd say where's Russell, and I'd be lying down right here sleeping. You know, I serious, I'd be sleeping. I just drink myself unconscious. I just go into my my house and turn on the phonograph and think about all those girls and how they hurt me and how lonely I was and I yeah, yes, laughing, you don't know what it's like, and I think about that stuff and then I play a song like only the lonely or I'm Mr Blue, or rainy days and Sunday. I play something like that, you know. So I didn't hurt anybody really when I was drunk. You know, the truth is I heard everybody on my way to getting drunk, on my way to get drum like when my wife was waiting at home. You understand what I'm saying, for me with my one year old child, and for five years I didn't come home until one o'clock in the morning and she didn't have a husband. I didn't hurt anybody in the Alibi Lounge, but I heard her because, I don't know, is that a drunk along, because I just didn't show up, you know, I mean, it was like my hurting people had to do with me putting alcohol, worshiping it, in the front of my life before anybody. And the other way I heard people is the way we hurt people now sober, because I'm a selfish son of a bitch, and so if I owed you a hundred dollars. Good fucking luck with that. You know what I mean. You know I ain't gonna Happen. You know what I mean. I just didn't pay. I didn't you know, I'm just not gonna you know, I'm just I'm just a bum, you know. But I could be a bum. Listen, I could be an obnoxious bum. So before I came to day a listen, I'm so good at being obnoxious. I am actually I have been told by guys I sponsor that I can be obnoxious with many years sobriety. I've got that thing nailed down pad, you know. So why is this idea of this strung along I'm sat faith a log important? So let me let me and all I could listen. So I start off. Before I came day, way, before I can...

...day worshiping women leave me. I wanted what she had. I would go to any length to get it. You know what I mean. You know when the book it says if you want what we have and are ready to go to any length to get it and you ready to take certain steps, what about when you want what she has? I don't want what they had. I want the only time I haven't wanted what Maddie had. is if he was good looking. Now, then I want what he had. Or if you had a car, if you want, that's the things I want. I lust it after and desired to have the things of this world because I knew. I knew and I didn't have to go to any meetings for this. It was so clear to me that if I only had a million dollars, everything will be okay. If I only had a good looking galop and everything okay, I've only got laid, everything will be okay. If I only had a good job, everything would be okay. It's so clear that that's the case. I don't have to go to meetings or read a book about that. You know something now? Is it clear to me? It's class clear to the rest of the planet. I mean I have to is watch TV and see if you move reason. Watch a few ants on TV and you know what's clear to the planet. You know. I mean watch a couple of biager commercials. You'll see what's clear. You know I mean if you're not nine years old and getting late five times a week, you know what a name. There something wrong with you. Know. Watch what's importance of the planet. So how could I be blamed? You know? So I come in here and so so somehow, some way, I now. I come in at thirty one, I'm now seventy two, got a wife of forty one years. How the Hell did that happen? You know, I have no idea, no clue. And seven four kids, seven grandkids, one on the way going to be eight. So supporting. How did this end? And get this Jewish kid from New York who does it? Doesn't believe in God. I believe American, expressive Playboy Bunny's and I wind up a stark ret raving born again deacon in a Presbyterian Church that starts a ministry that every time I have a chance, I want to talk about the Lord and what he's done for just like Bill Wilson. Now, if you ask me, if you say to me, how did that happen? How did you make that happen? If I tried to tell you how I made that happen, I'd be L I don't even know what after forty one years of meetings, you have to meeting thousands of people, after hearing thousands of deals, after go the steps, you think I could tell you? Oh, it's when I made the coffee, it's when I did that. I mean I it's like it's like a conglomerative. It's like somebody put the whole deal into a giant milkshake and I drank it and all of a sudden I'm here. I can you can't even blame me for the way I am right now. I am a result of the program of alcoholics anonymous. Now I'd like the thing that I'm a decent example of what this program could do for you, because I've been rocketed in the fourth dimension existence. I have no bucket. I don't wake up and saying if I only had this, if I only had that. The only thing that really does pleasure is going to meetings and trying to help other people, whether alcoholics or not. I'm perfectly satisfied. I don't I'm happy to be going on a cruise of my wife for fifteen days. I've been a many cruises and all over place and I'm doing it because my wife wants to do it's not because I'm Joneson to beal as. A matter of fact, to be honest with him, you know I be honest with me in my life. Knows this. I'd rather be here than on the cruise. I don't need money out of anything. I mean, I'm fine, I'm happy. You know. How does that happen? So I think so. I don't know whether I can tell how it happens, but I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you something tonight. I certainly can't go through the thousands of things I've been through the men, but many things I've been through the list. But but I want to tell you a couple of things and let's see when you can...

...connect the dots. I had my first sponsor was guy named Bob Sliver and and you know I was. I graduated from MC Lana's and Math Max. It's going for my pig and algbreak to apology, became a lawyer and all sort of stuff, smart and everything, and I came in and I knew everything and I was believing. I wanted you to know how smart I was because I knew I was brilliant. But by the time I came to alcoholics anonymous, I had like two neurons working and they were waving goodbye to each other. So I wasn't doing real well and I thought I should have been sponsored by Albert Einstein and Jesus, but they weren't available, so they got me, disused car salesman from Chicago. We didn't even graduate high school, but but I was in no position to argue with him and he used to say to me he used to sit in my office and I have all these diplomas. You've heard the story before, but it's true and it I pointed the Woms, I said these are my degrees, and he'd say, well, you know, rust wreckles, the MOMS have degrees, and you know they do with those. And he'd say you know as much about life, because dog knows about his father and he and he'd say you're best thinking on your best days. Got In here. Now. Here's the key about this. Here's the crazy thing about this, here's the absolutely nut anything about this. I Love Lob Sullivan. I followed him around like a puppy dog, and you know why. Now this is a I know, I here's the problem. I can't even get intellectual about this because I wanted what he had and get guess what? I didn't even know what the flick he had. I was like a month sober, two months Ober, three months ober, I had no I hadn't done any steps, except maybe step one, and I swear I didn't know what he had, but I wanted what he had. How do you explain you know, I see a goodlooking blond man, I want what she has. Somebody asked me, why do you want what she has? Well, I can't explain it, but I know I got it. You know what I mean. I know I got that desire to have what she well, all I can tell you is there was something about Bob Sullivan who at Fifteen, sixteen years that I wanted what he had, and so when he told me make the coffee or do this, I did what he told me to do, even though I didn't understand it, because I wanted what he had. I respected him, I loved him and I wanted what he had. So Bob died. Well, before Bob died, he took me to a meeting. Three Months Ober. I went to a meeting, you know group, and there was a guy speaking named Alan Kennedy, and many of you guys have heard that name before because I've been telling this story this how much it impressed me. I don't know how many people. Well, a lot of you guys, I know, have less than a year and everything. It's probably true, but I'm how many people have many, many years sobriety that to this day remembers something that happened to them that impressed them when they had like thirty days or sixty days? You know, it's a funny time. I've been to over Thirtyzero AA meetings. I can't remember them all, but I remember an a meeting I went when I was three months sober. That like blue my mind, and the guy spoke, Mendal Kennedy, had like thirty years. I'm sitting there watching this guy and I'm just like transfixed watching this guy. I mean I'm hanging on every word. I can't even repe for you what he was saying. And at the end of the meeting I turned to my sponsor and he was like helping people and he was. It was incredible and he was enthusiastic and he was loving and he was strong, but he wasn't arrogant and and so I turned to my sponsor and because I wanted what he had, he could, you...

...know, it says in the book, If you want what we have, on a will and going to any light together. He was part of my week. He went into the wheat bucket. You know what I mean. He you know. Listen, I love you guys. You're the best. I know a lot of you. I sponsor a few of you, and I don't say this, I mean we. I really don't want what you have. Okay, I mean they're I mean maybe, if I know you, I might want what you have. But well, here's the reason why. You know why? Because I have what you have. I have, I've had what you have. You understand I'm saying. That was one of my impetus is for following these old timers round because I wanted to get rid of whatever the hex going on. I didn't want to be worried all the time. Not that you're worried all the time. Don't take this personally, telling alcoholics, don't take things personally. Don't tell you. I'm not. I'm just making a fool. The point is. The point is I didn't want what everybody around me had, the whiners in the card. I want with certain people had. And I got to tell you, the people that I want what they had. They were like one and three hundred. They weren't like all over the place. And so I'll Kennedy, I'm looking at out Kennedy. He's like an amazing guy, an amazing testimony, honorable remember any of it being about drinking. And I turned to my sponsor. I said that guy's great. Which is going to meet? And that's when my sponsor says, you guys heard the stories that you store? He says he's dying with cancer. I'm an ask my sponsor where's he going to meeting? This is the same guy who I said I need money because I'm broken. He said, I know, it'll help you. You need to make caught for the group. So I've always used him saying stupid shit, you know what I mean? Not Not answering my question. So I said I like that guy. What's going to meet? Says, well, he's dying of cancer. So he did one of those fine his can't I don't know they teacher that in sponsors school. I'm saying no, you know I'm talking about. No, I'm talking about that guy who did the me eating, the happy guy, the joyful guy, says yeah, he's not a cancer's that six months to live. So that hit. I mean, I can't tell you that because if I have a hang me. Oh that's good for five meetings. You know what I mean, and is this is guy who's dying of cancer. You doesn't even mention it. And so and you want to know something? I I didn't know what he had, but I'll tell you this. I wanted what Al Kennedy I wanted Al Kennedy Sobriety. Let me tell you how much Al Kennedy impressed me. That story I just told you, and most people know this to have seen, I've told that story for the last forty one years at every convention I've spoken to at, at everything I've spoken at, I always tell the Al Kennedy store because that's a real important stories to me, because it's part of my it's part of my you know, it's part of it's part of my faith alogue. It's part of my faith alog because I wanted what he had. I didn't want to just not drink. I wanted what Al Kennedy had. How do I get that thing where you're not worried about dying? How do you get the not worrying about dying thing? How do you do that? Deal? Okay, because I was always worried and then I met Joe Sneider. It was my second sponsor, the one who told me you're upset because you're upsetable. One the game of the book, sermon on the mound, the one who talk to me about Bible study and things like that, and the real keiefs, one real key. These are guys. They broke the mold and they all had thirty years or forty years. Sobriet, at want of what. Yet then I met. Then I started going to Bible study. I've got John Glenn, fifty, sixty years sobriety, sitting next to me. Preacher, you know what I mean, the guy who I go out to dinner with and I started and say what are you doing, Russ? He says, I'm eating. He says rush Kenny. Yeah, we have to give thanks.

I mean, this wasn't an A. I can understand an aim your whole pants. I could say understanding A. Mean when you say, you know, the serenity prayer before I get that. I can do that, okay, but like in public, I mean really in public, where people can see you, where you stand out like a soft thumb. You know that will. That really takes week. We you know that party says we never apologize for believing in God. That's like taking it to a whole other level. You know what I mean. You know, when you're in public, you don't even have to the group's nobody in the group is doing it. You're the only one the whole restaurant nobody's praying. You're the only one. That's like taking it to a whole different level. He's saying we can, he says we gotta, we got to give thanks first us all. It's almost like like he really believe this shit? You know what I mean? Now, an a a, we do it, we say the Lord's prayer, but we don't really believe even because we do the half measure thing. You know how it's say. You know, it says there it's either God is either everything or he's nothing. We are either the nothing guys or someone less, that somewhere, less than everything, like the half measures. You know, that a value. You know what I mean. But he's like the everything God. God was like everything, the central fact of his life. And so I said, I bow my head and he's praying it when he's long Baptist prayers, you know, he's even mentioning Jesus, and I'm going like this, I'm looking around, you know, to see who's looking at me, you know what I mean. And then he finally finishes off and he says now, Russell, now we can eat the food because it has that little taste better because that it's got that special ingredient. It's got the special ingredient. And like, I'm a cool, smart guy and I'm part of my brain is saying this is totalble Shit, you know what I mean. But there's another part of my brain that's saying, man, I wish I could believe the way this guy means. I wish I could have the faith this guy has. Do you know, I'll tell you a little secret, and this is an absolute, honest to God truth, when I was drinking in the bar and my wife was at home and I was trying to figure out how to get laid with with another woman or figuring out how screwed up my life was because I couldn't go out with another woman because I was married, when I was at my worst alcoholism, where I was putting down religious people, where I was making fun of religious people, where I was making fun of people that weren't living in life, I was this is the absolute truth, because I know this is true because I've there was a part of me that wished I could do that. There was a part of me that wished I could be that man, a decent, righteous, church going, synagogue going, whatever it is, man, but I knew was bullshit because I knew I could never do that, I could never be that. I would always have to be a drunk, because that's what I am, and there was a part of me that wanted that deal. But what's the point? I'm a drunk, I'm a piece of shit. That's the way I am. And so as I go along in life with John Glenn, Real Keith, all those guys, there were maybe five or six or seven men in my life, some women with me, mostly men that I wanted what these people had and and I would go to any lake to get it. And I got to tell you something. When you hang around with men like that and you focus on men like that and you want ment what and you want what men like that have, even if you don't know what they have or how they got it. I will tell you this, and I believe this be true, who not only won't you drink, you will...

...become those men. You will become those men. Forget about steps or whatever it is. You'll do every step in the book, you'll do everything that's ness say, but when you focus on those men and you have a desire to have what they have, you will become exactly what they are. You know, if you're a real alcohol you know, because I'll tell you someone. I wanted something, I went after it. I'd mortgage the farm. You know, I'd kill people to get that stuff and I wanted what those people have. So I guess if you asked me, so, how did this happen with me? How do you take a drunken, nauseous idiot like me and put me in the position I'd have? I would just have to say it's kind of simple. You know, I don't have to I wanted what they had and I was only going in to get laid to get it. I wanted what they had. And you know, some I can do a lot of things, but I can't. You know what I can't do with you, even with guys I sponsor. You know what I mean. I can't give them the desire. I can't give the desire if they don't want what I have or want with this, if they'm have somebody that they're looking at, if they just want what they used to have, because everybody that comes into your even if you want what I have, what they have, whoever it is has, there's this other desire that those things will say there's a there's a thing, a desire, a lust, the craving that sticks with us, called worldly clamors. I don't care what you call it. We're we're always being torn away looking at the bright, Shiny Shit always. I mean the world is powerful, powerful and no matter how much you're looking at that thing, you want that thing, there's another thing out there that's looking to tear you away, and I'll tell you we don't have a shot on that deal unless you hang tough. I hanged I hung tough with these men every day, went out with John Glenn every night. I was hanging around with John Glen or real key or Bob Sullivan. I mean, I hung onto these guys. I hung onto them. I had to keep close, you know, because the world doesn't stop. It's like seven, Buddy, seven women don't stop. I'm I'm not when done. It's not their fault, it's my deal. Women, cars, money and also never stops. The ever, as a matter of fact, if you examine, if you're ever upset, if you're ever depressed, if you're ever going crazy, it's always going to be about that stuff. It's always have you ever figured out that whenever you're depressed, it's always because you don't have it or you want it or you need it or you're not getting it? I mean as a reason why in six step it says they talked about money, property of romance. Nobody's ever going to work that thing, but we don't stop working it. But somehow, some way, if I hang around those men that I wanted what they had it and I was one of the game like to get it, and they weren't rich and they weren't wealthy and they didn't have goodlook at blond's hanging on to him or anything like that. If I hang around with those guys, somehow it's like some sort of magic, it's like Osmosis, I don't know what it is. I somehow get to the point where I sort of like become like them and the things of this world. And you know why? Because they were focused on him. If you want when most people will not ever get here, you got to be prepared to do what most people will never do. You know, that's the deal and that's that's so there. So when I when I think about the eleventh step, for instance, which is sort of like what I'm talking about. How do you get closer and closer to God? The way you get closer and closer to God as you do your best hang around people that are trying to get closer to God. That's the whole reason why church, going to Bible study helped me out, because I was surrounded by men who were going through the same shit we go through, in the same stuff we go through,...

...reading the same book we're reading, basically and focusing on God through cancer. Do anything else. You know you got your choice of who you're going to hang out with. Y'A'll tell you who you are. You know who you are and who you're going to be. I can tell you right now you are whoever you hang out with. The man and woman you will be in the next five years depend up on the people you hang out with, the books you read. That's who you're going to be. You want to see you going to become. You look about you look about who you hang out with and what they're telling you and what they're saying to you and the conversations you're having. Just listen to the conversations you're having. There's about win in cars, money said. You know, listen to the shit that you're talking about and who you're hanging out with. And let me tell you something. This group and this group the same. Exactly what peeps that people's anonymous. Let me tell you something. In Aa you know that who what will drag you down the most in alcoholics anonymous, the most other alcoholist. You know how you keep a crab in a bucket thrown another fucking crab. As soon as the crab starts calling out, the other crab will just drag them back. You just come in here and talk about how you really went to a Great Bible study, how you really trying to focus on God. You see what happens in here, in this group. You know, all I have to read is chop to the agnostics and know God doesn't do well in alcoholics anonymous. That's why there's no faithful locks. That's why you're knocking to your shit like this. You know, I mean I say weird stuff, you know, but it ain't going to kill. You're right, you know. So you'll hear two hundred drunk logs and you know, like one thing like this, you know what I mean, ain't going to kill you. You know, you never know. There maybe one guy in here that's interested in this kind of stuff. Maybe maybe five years down the road, you'll remember this stuff. They never know. You never know when this thing's going to take it. Thank you very much. That's all.

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