AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 102 · 6 months ago

Russell S. Talk 6 at the 12 Step House 02/01/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 6 at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 02/01/2022

My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and I'm a member of the Group of South Dixia Group. Haven't found that set ever drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's as always. It's good to be here. I think this is the oldest step meeting either in Florida or and with later Dale a brown county or something like this. I've been doing the steps here every year for I think thirty years from something like that. So it's good to be here. It's always good. I love being here and different groups I get to go to and it's a privilege to be speaking with you. And I'm just going to give you a little information about my life, because my life is the only thing I have any business talking to you about. I my own experience and my my own deal and of course, along the way, not don't have I learned my own experience, but I've been I've been actually paying attention most of the time. I've been paying attention to a lot of people that I sponsor, probably hundreds of men and and so I see things, I take it all in. So I'm I'm not going to try to give you any false information. Anything I give you is going to be based on what's happened to me and what I've seen, what I've heard, and and you know, I don't really plan anything because it would just mix me up at my seventy two years of age and and I used to do these. Listen, there's a whole bunch of tapes and everything on the Internet and everything. You know. I would go to the ones between two thousand and three and two thousand and eighteen, before the senility it, you know what I mean, and they're a lot better. I'm changed. My story has changed. Your story will change. Your story will change. Your story will change. You know, I mean pro promise you. When I came in at thirty one years old, I had us. I didn't have much of a story, but I had a story. It was all about drinking and drug and all that Shit, you know, and and but I haven't had a drinking what forty one years. I'm in my twenty seven years of sobriety. I don't have a I don't have a now. I could do. You know, I've had the honor of working conventions and going all over and stuff like that. When you do a convention. When happens is, you know, when people are eating or something on Saturday night, and I don't want to say it's entertainment, because it's more than that. It's important stuff. But what you supposed to do is what it was like, what happened, when it's like now. So your forced, and and I don't want to say I'm forced, I can do it. I like doing it, to talk about the drinking, the drinking which isn't even the disease, it's a symptom of disease. So you you do your twenty, thirty minutes, whatever it is, on the on the Jaywalker, on the drinking, and then I drank and then I drank and then I drank and and then you talk about something that happened to you, what happened, and then you do your whatever period of time you have left thefteen, twenty minutes. Somebod it's like now, and you know you obligated to do that. You know people need to hear it. New guys need to hear the the drinking thing, the older guys need to hear you know what it's like now and what's going on. And how do you, how do you handle the fear and the irs and the crazy life and the kids. And I've been married forty one years and I have four kids and seven, some to be eight grandkids and self supports among contributions. But the truth of the matter is, the actual truth is is for the last forty one years I haven't had a drinking problem. Now you can do whatever you want with that if you want to make believe I'm saying. I'm sure that's your business. I'm not saying that. I believe I'm prowis over alcohol. I actually believe that an hour after this meet I could be drunk. I believe that. You know, I think if I'm sober, I'm so with the grace of a loving God and I just need to stay close to him and performers works well and that's one of the reasons I'm here. But the truth of the matter is, for last forty one years I have been dealing with drinking, which is just a symptom. I've been dealing with the real disease that centers in my mind, not my body. I've been dealing with that disease that tells me I don't give a shit what you think about me and all I do is think about what you think about me. I've been dealing with the disease where I'm broke all the time because I spend money. I don't have to buy things. I don't need to impress people I don't like, you know, because somehow I feel like I'm insufficient. You know I'm dealing. I'm dealing with the disease where, every once in well I'm driving my car and I say things like I'm an Asshole, I want to kill myself and I got ten years sobriety and and I don't know. I look around and say, who's saying that to me? And I'm the only one in the car. I'm dealing with the thinking disease. What you worry about? Stuff. You worry about stuff. Whether they called I'm nervous where they call it in the book? I haven't what. What's your name? Jordan? I like you. How much time you know? Come down, come up here and take over. Jordan, Jordan, I'm hinting. I'm finding that was an age. I like you, Jordan. I hope you...

...here next week. We're going to see how that works out. Okay, I love you. I love you guys. You guys are great. The same exactly. Well, people's anonymous, is it? You know, it's a good thing. Yeah, I love you. I don't love you push your perfect I love because you're as fucked up as I am. Yeah, yeah, you're good. I'm going to carry you with me, you know, I like in my pocket. You're like an audience all to yourself, and I'm great. That's great. I'm glad you're here, Jordan, God bless you. And so I'm going to. So the point is what I want to talk about. What I you know, it says he he's like a giant toolbox, as a wrenched bit every nut that walks through the door. And there are guys that are going to be a great drunkalogs, and that's important, I suppose. And but after forty one years of work from this thing, what I want to talk about his emotional sobriety. I want to talk about the end game. I'm not at the end yet, but you know it's coming up, you know it's and you know there reaches the at the time. You know, Jordan, you know we're young. You know what are your thirty Twe and twenty three. You look like you're fucking thirty. Okay, but hey and join that. Listen, people like you really shouldn't drink or drunk. Just cool. Okay, sorry, ain't working for you, Buddy. Okay, so I like to Ordan. You see, some people would be upset with Jordan, but I tould me Jordan's exhibit them to to, you know what I mean. He's like that. I love guys like Jordan. I play off them, you know. And so the bottom line, so there's and what happens is at my age, you know, what I've been dealing with is staying sober, raising four kids, grandkids, jobs, you know, traffic accidents, flat tires, irus audits. Also, it's a Horse Shit, cancer twice. I'm dealing with. How do you stay sober in a world with they're firing live ammunition at you and you're supposed to not drink and act like a human being? You know, you know what my one of my my my mentors, John Wayne, once said. Life is tough, and when you're stupid it's even tougher. And and how do you, how do you stay sober in the face of being stupid, you know what I mean, and doing stupid things for stupid reasons and trying to figure out how did I get in this situation and then all of a sudden, your spots tells you're in the situation because you fucking volunteered to be here. You know, you stood up and you said, I'm going to marry that that Gal, you know, the guy with the heroine had have it. I'll marry here because we have something in common. We're both sick, you know, and I mean I can understand where I went wrong, you know. I mean how do I, how do I get myself in me and what you ultimately find this, even when you stop doing stupid things, there's enough vagaries of life and inconsistencies in life and craziness in life, which I have no control over. where, even if you do everything perfectly, you know one day you're going to wake up and something bad, it's going to happen to you. Know, how do you stay sober when you have a mindset that wants to tell you things like I can't believe this shit's happening to me. How do you say, stay sober when you're in when you're in a traffic a traffic deal with his tenzero cars and they're all, you know, bumped aboutcabar traffic and you're sitting there. I can't believe this is happening to me again. How do you stay sober when you have a personality where you could be walking through a cancel ward where children a died of cancer and walk out and somehow managed to feel sorry for yourself? You know I mean, that's an alcoholic. You know. The only thing I think about is me and how is this affecting me? And why is this happening to me? You know, and it's all about me and selfishness. And here's a great thing. I don't even see it. It says above everything it says, it says selfishness, self centeredness. That's the real disease of an alcoholic, driven by a hundred forms of fear, a hundred forms of here. You know, you may know two or three forms. You Got Ninety eight to go. A hundred forms of fear. You know, self delusion. We're diluted. Our alcoholic life seems the only normal one, the way we think. We think, we think normal. That's why we have the second step. You know, something that we store us to sanity. Can't be restored to sanity unless you're in stain. But we don't think we're insane. We think we're fine and we hang around with people that are crazy like us. We like the crazy people. They think like us. They pat us on the back, they say you know, they these are the only people that understand us. So we don't think we're crazy. We think we're alcoholic. Life seems the only normal. We can't separate the truth from the false. We don't believe that. We think are thinking makes perfect sense, perfect sense, until somehow the room blows up. We blow up, something goes wrong and we get to the point where we get sober, fuddled and so bad and we hit bottom, so bad that we're almost forced to admit that are best thinking on our best day got us in this. But, I mean but, but I came there. I had to listen. I graduated with department laters and mathematics, you know. I...

...was going for my PhD and Algebray topology. I went to law school. I become a division chief in the state's attorney's office, trying murder cases and major crimes. I thought was the smartest guy in the block, because so I thought. I everybody told me I was smart. I had the diplomas to prove it and I had to get to a point where I walked into alcoholics anonymous. I only have two neurons working and they were waiting goodbye to each other, you know. And I came here perfectly situated to actually listen to somebody. And even when I would rise in my defense and say you don't understand, my sponsor knew exactly how to hand only, you'd say shut up and sit down. Let's shut up and sit down. You know what I mean, because what I had one thing going for me. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to drink. So I what I like to talk about when I do and do thing. These things I used to many years ago when I was actually talking about the steps. Now you, I know you may find this started to believe. I say this at everything, but it's the truth. I'm a product of alcoholics anonymous. I've gone to thousands and thousand meetings, sponsored hundreds of men's I've done the book, I've read all the material. I still love a a in the whole bit. So I am a product of alcoholics anonymous. So if you don't like where I'm at it, what's going on with me? That's okay. They'll be somebody else you like. It says if you want, we haven't a willing go to any late to get it. And I maybe I don't have what you have. You know, maybe I'm at what you want. Maybe that's okay, that's no problem. But the truth is miss matter is understand. This is a seventy two year old man who is a product of alcoholics. Anonymous. So if you have a problem with where I'm at, you don't have a problem with me. You have a problem with a term me. You know, and you would have to know who I was before I A and what I did in the damage I did in the people I heard and don't understand where I've come from, what's going on in my life. You know, and and that's the deal. So I want to try to give you in one hour. You can't. There's no way. You know, I when I started going around and talking. You know, when you walk in here you don't have it says our stories the close in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened, what we like now? I had no story. There's no store. Alcohols don't have a store. Here's my story. You want my story when I can day. It's not my fault. I'm not to blame. You don't understand. I mean, yes, butter, I mean if only. It says you don't understand her. My story is when I'm ever, I'm disturbing out of what the cause is? Something wrong with you? If this didn't happen, I wouldn't have done that. If they didn't do this, I'm want to do. You don't understand how it made me feel. My story is about my feelings and my emotions and how screwed I've been and how it was never my fault and I always tried to do the right thing. That's my story. I have no clue as to how I got here, what's going on or how to get out of the jam. You know, and its not fact. If I had any clue whatsoever, I'm going to say I need money, I need to get laid, I need a girlfriend, I need to get I don't want what you have, I want what I used to have. I want the car back, I want to girl back, I want all the stuff that I chase after for thirty one years. That got me nowhere, but it makes absolute sense. The God thing doesn't make sense. The steps don't make sense. Going what makes sense is. Money makes sense. I know it's not a bors, just right up there with oxygen. I think about it all the time. If I'm not think about money, I'm thinking about girls. I'm thinking about if I had money, I get girls, I get a car and then I can get a Gal. All my mind is so wrapped up in the things of this world, which would make me feel like a man. I don't even understand the reason I need these things. It's because I feel so insufficient, because I'm going to tell you I'm the greatest. I got one part of mine that says I'm better than everybody and smarter and people just don't understand, don't appreciate me, and another part of my mind I would kill myself because I'm a piece of Shit and the only thing I make those things come together is Scotch. You know, somehow or just nothing. I can tell you no woman, no car, no matter of money, at work quite as well as just a few drinks. And if it's still work for me, the way it work me when I was eighteen, I'd still be drinking it, but it stopped working for me, so I don't drinking. In the sad part of my life, it's stopped work for me about ten years before I realize it stopped working for me. And I heard a lot of people and all this stuff I'm saying to you. I'm saying you at forty what I had no clue. I don't know. This isn't like I understood this. I had no story. I come to I'm very well defended. I'm an alcoholic. I'm ready to tell you'd understand. You don't get what's going on. You know I'm ready to do battle. You can't approach alcoholics, you know, head first, unless maybe you're a sponsor and you can get their attention by whacking them over the head. You know they'll run away or tell you're an asshole or whatever. It's still tell you. You know. You know. You Work Your Store Program I work mine. You gotta sort of like flank them. You got a fool them. You know what I mean? You're sitting there. I'm sitting there in a chair. I got three weeks and four weeks. I hear some guy talking about this crazy freaking light. I start thinking, man, that fucking guy is crazy. Then all sudden the next stor is, Holy Shit, you were doing that last Wednesday. You know what I mean. All of a sudden I start telling us, yeah, I did that, and I did that and I did that one I was just getting. I did that and I didn't realize how. Yeah, that was great, yeah, I did all that. All of a sudden I start...

...developing stories. Every day and so sober I have a new story. I don't even know I'm developing stories. I walk in the group, I'm three months ober, I'm saying. I'm saying to my group, you wouldn't believe what happened to me today. My Wife said this, the girlfriend said this, the judge said this, the money went. I was going to kill him, I was going to do this. I Blah, blah, blah, blah, Blaha, all these horrible stories. Because when you knew and you got that alcohol is I'm going where, you're alert the all the bullshit is going around you, around you and all the assholes in the world, and there are plenty of them, you are constantly barage with how crazy and sicknest world is and the battle you're involved in, because they're firing live ammunition, because your mortgage company or your landlord doesn't say you know us, I know you're a man so you don't have to pay the rent. This right. I know you're an age so we're not going to fire you from this job. You've got it for life, you know I mean. And we're gonna give you a race. You know. You know it's some Gals, some goodlooking blond looks up to you and, since you know, I know you're a and you're crazy, but you know something, I love you, you now and and. But no, it doesn't work like that, does it? It's like, you know, they're just doing all sorts of shit around you when you least able to handle it, where you're least able to handle it with your mind is exploding and all you can do is rundle a meeting and say that and vomit all over people and somehow not drinking, and then you explain. But you know, some I didn't. I went to a me and blah, blah, blah, to calm down and I did this and I did that and didn't have a drink. They don't even realize you've just told the story. It should. It's a story. And so the first week you got a story, and after three months you got two stories and after six months you got three or four stories. That means something. To have means guster stories, all about you, all about your disease, all about the victory, all about what you did and alsodden, you start gathering up these stories and they're like true starts. Is All about you, they're all about you when you were thirteen, they're all about you before you, when you before you started drinking, while you were drinking, after you started drinking, and the stories have to start drinking. I have nothing to do with drinking. They have to do with not drinking and they have to do with amazing things happen. They have to do with you saying things and doing things and you and alcoholics say things like this. And then I'd said this, this is what they do it when you're here. This is one year and six months. Here's what they say. Have you ever heard this? And then I did this. HMM, and that's not me, and that's they're like amazing. You understand, that's not me. I never do stuff like that. And the guy gave me the finger and I said God bless you, and I let him. Guy Says, and that's not me. It's like a fucking story, you know what I mean. And everybody, all of a sudden you start noticing the changes and people sid noticing the changes and and all of a sudden, lie ten years Ober and I'm speaking all over the country and I'm going to different conventions and I've got all these stories and they're all like ten or fifteen minutes long. I got one story called the Fifty Years Story. So takes a whole hour to tell because it happened over fifty years. And so what happens is is, I know, I don't have a problem talking or figuring out what to say. I have a problem with what story I'm going to tell because they only got room for three or four. Now I'll go to a convention in Orange country or some somebody will say, tell the Camaro story, tell the chicken on the roof store, you know, tell it, you know, tell me, you know, tell the folders coffee story, because I've heard of tape and everything. I said, that's a whole lie, but that Burns a whole lot, you know, and that's like a whole hour. I can't tell all the stories. I can't do it. And one day I made a list of the stories because I was going around there with two hundred and ninety stories developed over thirty years, two hundred and ninety stories. I got to take out three out it to it. So here I am. So you go to a meeting. How do you tell two hundred and ninety stories, which is basically the framework of your life? You can. You can't do that. You know so and so. That's not what going to happen tonight. And and so. What happens, though, is what I want to talk about. Is I want to talk, but I can promise you this. Whenever I say through the next thirty minutes, okay, it's going to be all about alcoholics. Anonymous all about alcoholism, and every step is going to be in it, whether you see it or not, it's all about my experience. So you might want to be interested in because this has to do with you and if it doesn't have to do with you now, it's going to have to do with you in ten years, it's gonna have to do with you in three months, it's gonna have to do with you in thirty years. There's some guy with thirty years here. He's going to hear this story say, Holy Shit, I'm going through that. Now there's another guy here with, you know, ten years. He's going to hear. Somebody's gonna say, Oh Shit, I he's talking about something I'm going through. Now, you know, they and so, there's whatever. And if there's a hundred and fifty people here, whatever it is, there's a hundred and fifty stories, because it has to do with what you would hear. And you'll can one personal come up and he says, you know, when you said Soandso, and you'll pick out like one thing you heard. Not of God come up and says, you know when you said Soland so,...

...and it will be a completely different thing. They hurt. Then some guy comes to me says, you know when you said Soandso. That's exactly what happened to me, and I'll think to myself, I didn't say that, but it's what he heard, you know. So that's the mystery of this whole thing. And then you start getting about your own stories. So when I was about three years sober, I'm sitting in the call Gables Group of alcoholics, anonymous, and I'm three years sober and I'm bad. It's birthday night and and I'm going to pick up my daddy and I look on the wall of all the birthday celebrants they had it on the wall with the list of them. Is like twenty of them, you know what I mean. And the one with the longest sobriety is Harriet Rawls, and she has like thirty eight years, as another got like thirty seven, thirty six and twenty four, fifteen and twelve, all the down to like three years and two years and like that. And so I'm looking at this and I'm looking at all these old times, I'm looking all these people and I'm saying, man, man, I'll tell I wonder what it's like to be the person the group of the longest time. I'm comparing myself. I'm thinking, when to be man, I wish I had thirty eight years, I wish I had thirty nine years. What's it like to be like Harriet, you know, with the longest time in the room? I want to be the guy with the longest time in the room. You got was the most time in the room, and then you realize all of a sudden sort of flashes across your mind, because you're not all that well, that in order to be the guy with the longest time in the room, Harriet and everybody else above you has to die and you're okay with that. You're okay with that, you know, because I don't have a mild form of this fucking disease, you know what I mean? And now they're all dead and here I am, you know. So that's the deal. And and you see, that's the problem, because one of the problems what it says lesson, until alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobrietal be precarious enough to happingess will find that at all. And a consequence of being an alcoholic is that you are terribly inpatient because, you see, Scotch works quick I walk into the bar. I'm not feeling that great. I'm worried about what they're going to think about me. I'm worried about the group is going to think about me. I'm worried about that. But that blond's going to think about me. I want to approach her. I'm a little bit scared. I'm worried about this. I'm worried about that. I take a couple of shots of Scotch, whack whack. I feel like I own the group. I'm in charge of the group. I can do anything. I welcome back Guas as you want to dance? No, I say hey, your loss, sue, you know what I mean. You're loss, you know, and it's just does some sort of magical thing to me, you know, and that's the that's the deal. But you know, some sobriety doesn't work that way. You don't get thirty six years in thirty six minutes. You may have to go to two hundred AMIS to get the same effect that a couple of shots of Scotch gives in five seconds. And you know, some alcoholics don't like that. They don't like things that take time. You know, they just get pissed off, they feel, and then they panick. They think they're not doing you know, there may be actually people in here that are not happy where they're so not happy when wish they would go with they were father along. I've been here three years, five years, ten years, fifteen years. Why do I still worry about money? Why do I still worry about this? Why do I still worry about people? You know, the greatest job I ever had in the world, the greatest job I ever had. I don't know with you guys have ever experienced this. I had a job when I was about six years sober as an attorney where I had decided to leave the job and go off on my own and open my own office, and I'd already made the decision. I was trust in God to do it and I told my boss and he asked me stay on for three or four more months, and I did so. I had a job where I didn't care, I was not afraid if they fired me. As anybody ever had a job where they weren't scared with they fired you or not, you have no idea of freedom. I'd say to my boss. I said, okay, I'm leaving. It's five o'clock. He's just you can't leave, we got to go do this. I said, listen, I've got to go speak in an a room. I'm leaving out the door. He says, well, listen, I don't know how I can keep you on if you're going to leave like this. When we got worked, I said, listen, I don't know you can keep me on it either, but tell me whether I should show up tomorrow because I'm going to the meeting, because I didn't care. You know, it wasn't that I was mean spirited about it. I was doing my job and I was there for Extracida and AA was more important. I was going to fulfill my responsibility. And guess what...

...he said. Okay, come back. You know, it's the greatest you know, it's the greatest feeling in the world going day when you don't care what other people think about talking in front of Group, when you don't care what they think about when you don't judge who you are and what you are based upon what you think they're thinking about you, when you when all you have to do, when you're not you're not concerned about impressing them, you're just concerned about being right with God and doing what God wants you to do. And the only thing he wants you to do is it says in the big book. Ab Alcoholic sounds because not only they've been schooled in the book book. Nownd that you understand it the big book. Not only do you believe in God, you believe what God says, and what God says in the big book it says, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness. It says selfishness, selfcenterness, that would say, is the root of our problem, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking. We step on the toes of us. They retaliate, seeming without probablycation what we learned. We've made decisions in the past that put us in position to be hurt. So alcoholics are self will run riot. We can't. We can't, we cannot wear powerless over our drinking. We're palace over our thinking. That thinking last much more the fear. We're powerless over everything. We do shit and we cause problems and we say crap and it just kills us and we're selfdestructive. Commented just said, alcoholics are men and women. Are Out destroy ourselves and were self destructive and somehow we have no idea how to do how to how to control ourselves, and we look back and we say, why did I do? Why did I say? Why? And we gotten, we don't have a clue. We can, we can sit up at night till three o'clock in the morning worried about the same shit we worried about for two weeks and we can't stop worrying about it and we don't have to stop and we say, I got to stop worrying about this, because we finally figure out that we're mean about the money does not put money in the bank. All it does is. Now you're panicking because you got to go to work, then you've only got three hours, think I got to stop worried about this, and then find this lady start worrying about it because you can't stop worrying about and you know what that is? That's the real alcoholism, that's the real disease, where you marry somebody because you're in love with them, and you're in love with them and you have a child and you're in love with them and you're happy and you're excited and all of a sudden you're somebody and you're something, you got something and you're okay now, because that's the whole point about being an alcoholic. You're nothing. You're always going to be a nothing. You've ever been nothing but a nothing, no matter how much money you have, whatever it is you are, ain't nothing. I used to put something in my body at turn me into and almost when you're nothing, almost a top of the world. So you get married, you get the Ferrar, you get the Mercedes, you get the car, you got the whole thing, and all of a sudden you're king of the King of the world, you're a good guy, and then six months later, you're in a bar looking at blond s, when that's in redhead saying, if I only had that one, I'd be okay. If I only had a different wife, I'd be okay, if I only had it. You're saying I got to have that job, if I have that job. You know, if you're an alcoholic here, an if all your wake up everyone saying, if only I had this, if only I could get that, I'd be okay, and you don't realize what you're really saying yourself is I am just not okay. And you run around like crazy trying to get that or feeling sorry for yourself because you don't get that, or how you going to get that again, man, people to get in your way, and then you get it and then five minutes later, one year later, same man, I hate this freaking job out, if I can only get another one, and there's nothing that makes you feel okay, and you coming here and they tell you to do stuff that you would never do. God, stuff crazy, you know. You go up to your sponsor, you say don't I need money, I'm broke, I can't pay the rent, I don't know what's going to go. I happen he says, Oh, I know what your problem is. I said now I can solve your promise is what's any says you need to start making coffee for the group, and you're thinking, there's no conversation going on here. I'm thinking he's understanding me. I am broke, I need money. Just give me a thousand dollars, I'll be okay. And he's talked about making coffee the group. Only because you don't want to drink, and only because that you actually believe that somehow this man is keeping you sober and found his directions. You walk over the Coffee Pot, he shows you how to make the coffee. The next day you don't want to go back to the meeting because you're still broken. Nobody came in and your no, you're not depressed, you're very depressed and you don't want to go back to me because you don't feel good and because you worship your feelings. You worship your feelings more important than anything. But you have to go back to me because you got to make the stupid coffee. So you go back to the meetings and you make the coffee and do that for three months and the money comes in and everything works out. Some guy walks up to you and says I'll make the coffee. I said, I'm the coffee maker. Who I have a point of you you know, and the truth is he told you the truth. This...

...is how you resolve your problem. It's not the money. You're upset because you're upsetable and you don't know how to get past the upsetable. You don't know how to get past. You know. The Guy Bounces the five in dollar check on you, because that happens. But Shit happens and you want to kill him and you spend the entire you spend two weeks think about how you got to rip out part, kill, m kill his wife, rapers, dog, whatever hell is they're telling everyone moves. He bounced five hundred dollar check on you. You tell you a sponsor, you know. He says, look, he looks at you. Well, how would you feel that didn't bother you? And he said, I say what say? How would it feel? How would you feel the didn't bother you? I said, I'm sorry, I understand the question. How would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said, Bob, I'm serious, I don't understand the question. The question simple. How would you feel if it didn't bother you? I swear to God I don't understand the question. God bounce the problems all check to me. You know I mean if you best on you you feel, because that's my life, a bounst on you, you'd understand what I was talking about. The guys in the barbered of understood what I was talking about. The whole world understands what I'm telling. A man he says, listen, listen, a question. How would you feel that didn't bother you? We do you mean? How would I feel if his bouncing a five the dollar check and cause me about check? How would I feel if it didn't bother me? That's it. That's the question. Well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine. He says, there you go. He walks away, but the fuck I still know and I'm goose in me. I don't understand what he's talking about. Ten years later, I'm ten years sober, I go up the rail keep. I said, what am I going to have? Financial Security? What do you mean? I said, I've been doing this thing for ten years. I've been doing it by the numbers for ten years. I should be a multimillionaire. I'm broke again. I'm broke again. You have to take broke again. I'm not supposed to be broke. I'm soked that millions of dollars and all sort of stuff. And he said what are you talking I says fight, it says it, says it's in the book. He says financial security. I want to financial insecurity. Says it doesn't say that. I said it does say that. I read the other day it's one of the promises. I mean, have ten years. I'm more. I what do? He says, Ross read it to me. I said they're fear of people and financial insecurity will leave he says that's right, that's right. He says rust. The fear will leave you. He says, you see, Russell, you will always be broke. It just know. It just won't bother you. You know. So I'm twenty year twenty five years sober and I wake up one morning have to going through a whole lot of shit which I won't go into. I've talked about different meetings, sponsoring, speaking, going through repeated humiliations and mean crushed button clan my self, sufficiency being crushed, getting closer to closer to God, hanging on to him focusing on her, not only believing him but believing what he tells me, and he tells me if I must get rid of the subfisness I muster, it kills me. God makes that possible and instead of being one of these bananas ebacts and well, they told me about God, I would have walked down her I'm not going to do that shit or anything like that. I comply and I surrender and I start hanging around guys that are going to Bible Study and God becomes the central fact of my life. And then I read where it says once you make a sincere decision for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful of give you anything you need if you stay close to them in performance work, well as work is to help other people and not worry about your stupid money or getting late, which is ninety percent of AA. You know what I mean. That's where they're worried about, because you find out in order to get the things that most people never get, because most people never be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence experience much of heaven. You know, most people never get that. Because the great fact is this and nothing less, that they got to make God the central fact of their lives. They got to be convinced that he lives in their hearts and minds of the way, which is deed miraculous, and he's doing for them with a can do for themselves. But most people never get spiritually sober. They become spiritual agnostics. Most people, when they talk about God in the room, instead of being the people that say I need to hear this guy because this is what I'm lacking, most people the hackles in the next stand up and they get pissed off. They said come here for this bullshit, and those people will never stay sober and they will never have emotional sobriety and they will never get rocking in the fourth dimension of distance, because in order to get the things that most people won't have, you got to be willing to surrend yourself and do the things that most people will not do. And they'll only be the only thing that be as members of the not drinking club, children, and they'll never know what the six step is, with six step, which is what separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls, because they'll be girls and they'll be children, they'll be thumbsucking crybabies and they won't be able to hit that take the hard knocks. And they may not, they may not drink, but I will never feel happy about their sobriety. They'll always have problems because they won't surrender, because they just members of the not drink club. It's all about picking up my dallion's, having people...

...with clatform. That's what it is. That's the deal. And then one day, at twenty five years you wake up one morning I have to go into a a and then going a Bible study and do all sorts of crap that I'm not going to go and do because the big book says we encourage Church membership, says most of us do that, at least the old timers do. And so, instead of being like most people do, say, well, that's optional, that's extra credit, that's not for me. So I say, well, if it was good enough, if if the old timers and the fathers say we encourage it and most people do it in the reason they put in the book is because they were doing it, I'm going to do it. And so you hang around men for ten, fifteen years that all they're doing is talking about the same problems. It's about and talk about how God can solve the problems. And you get and and what you find that it's the man you'll become in the next five or ten years will depend upon people you hang out with, the books you read, and the books you read will depend upon your thing. That will depend upon the the people you hang around. And you hang out people are all they're doing is focus above God and think about God and talk about God. You become a believer. You believe what he says and what he's going to do. And if you're talking around people that are just trying to get ahead and get the money again so they can be well and cool, cool, because, God forbid, you're so worried that people don't think you're cool, you're never going to get this thing. And so one day you wake up at twenty five years and he said, thank you God, because you notice that your whole day revolves around focusing on him. As you're driving into work, you say thank you God, as you're in the word you say thank you God, as you're in the bathroom and say thank you God. You focus on God and you notice that you don't look at your bank account, that you are not your bank account. You're not your clothes, you're not your weight, you're not your shoes, you're not your car, you're not any of that stuff because what other people think about you. Don't even think that way anymore. You don't have to get a new car every year. You get to used car. You don't have to. You don't have to look prettier any that. You don't need any of that stuff because you're not out to oppress anybody, because you just to help other people and love other people, treat other people like they have a broken heart, because they probably do. And the only thing gives you prayer pleasure is going to place like this and hang around people and telling what God has done for you. Or it's Bill Wilson said, alcoholics. Anonymous number three. The Lord has been so wonderful to me, cure me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about and telling other people and giving God all the credit for it. And you start learning that that that when they say thing, run a new basis, base of trust, relying upon God. All men, all men, all men who believe in God. He says. It says this. It says we never apologize for God. All men who trust God, have courage, they trust their God, they let him demonstrate and set in their lives what he can do. And then you talk about an a meetings and if they cringe and they get worried, you're not worried about it because you know the bottom line is. You know what the answer is, because you live in the answer. And for every person that's cringing, as another person, I wish I could do that. I wish I could have that deal. And you meet the people who were dying of cancer and they're happy because they know where they're going and they love God. And you meet the people that got twenty years and are scared and they're not happy with their sobriety and they're just going through all the problems over and over again and they'll never have a shot because you want us some because they're arrogant and they won't listen, they'll never surrender and they're not willing to do the things they got to do. And so that's what you end up talking about. You end up talking about what? What? What Emotions Rock Bill Wilson? We all hit these these glass ceilings. He hit into twenty three years. I hit it at ten. Ye there's I know people have heard it. Hit it at thirty seven years. These these deals we used they used to be commercial. You guys, some of the older people, Remember. This is Marlborough commercial on TV when they advertise Seletts on you, instead of you smoking more and enjoying it less. What happens when you're the oldest guy in the room and you got a lot of time, you got ten or fifteen years, and you're remember the dropt lot drink club and you're going to all the meetings and your sponsor all people and you're doing all the Shit and because of that you're like trading boarder. You Watch staying sober, but you're not happy. What happens when the means start becoming boring? What happens when everything you do, no matter how much activity you do to to basically distract yourself from the sorrowful, pitiful life you have, isn't enough? Where you're going to go then, ghostbusters, wise guy. When are you going to go when the meetings and the sponsoring people and all the stuff you do, all the activity you do, only thing it does is maybe temporarily keep you away from drinking and there's nobody you can talk to because nobody looms, is talking about God, nobody's done what they were doing in nineteen thirty five or nineteen thirty nine. You're talking about their problems and don't drink, even fast falls off and all that Shit that you've been doing, but it's not working for you anymore. And then you wake up with twenty five years because you've been doing it and you woke up and all of a sudden your experience, enjoy, your experiencing. Enjoy because...

...you're not worried about what other people going to think about you. You know, worried about losing your job. You know worried about how much money you have in the bank. You're not much worried about you to just not worried and your experience some you've never experienced before. At Ten Years Sobriety, you've been working like a son of a bitch and you're still a basket caste and you're still going at you can still saying what am I going to re rich one? We got have money, and all of a sudden you you double up your efforts, you take it to a new level, you start doing things you never think would be doing and most people won't do it in a and all of a sudden, twenty five years, while you're doing is focusing on God and you're not worried about anything else because you know that that God has proved themselves to you over and over again. But twenty five years and no matter what has happened, cancer, whatever it is, it always worked out okay to your benefit. It never worked out the way you necessarily wanted to work out, but God always put you in a position where you're better off at the end because of the turmoil and trials and the tribulations and the crap you go through, and you do get a new perspective, but the new perspective is not because you got all the money the world's because you've been through repeated humiliations and I find a question of your self efficiency. You'll learn the value of suffering and you realize that hardship is the pathway to peace and you become a better tool to help people because when whoever comes up to you, no matter what they're going through, you're able to say, you know, I've been through that, to young you're going to be okay, you know, I know, I know what the answer is. What's that you you start making coffee to the group. You need to start making cough with with WHO needs to spont some more people. I've been there. This is what happened and you're able to help somebody. Was the only that supportans you anyway. And that's what you do and that's the deal. And you wake up and all of a sudden your twenty five years and like for the last fifteen, it's not like it's perfect, but it's pretty damn close. And you know you don't you don't think about how horrible the day is going to be and what's going to happen do and you're not projecting, you're not doing all that Shit you did up to twenty five years, where you thought it was never going to happen to you. And why did it take twenty five I'll tell you why. It took twenty five years, for the same reason it took Israelites to walk forty years to the Damn Desert. We all go through our desert time, you know, when it was only a three week walk to the Promised Land. You know, I'll tell you why. I took that time. So at the end of it you put value on it, because if you got it right away, you would piss all over it. And you realize you've got a gift. And somebody asked you went in at when did it happen? When did you lose the fear? When did it all come together? You would have to say, I have no freaking clue. All I knows one day I woke up and it was all gone. It was a whole different deal. Every promise in the book happened to me. I never thought of it and one day I woke up. I don't know where it happened to twenty four years, like three years the week before. Well, how did it happen? I don't even know how it happened. I's just been doing all at all time. I woke up on one day it happened. Of course you don't how it happen because you had nothing to do with it. Because God, and I hate the clue this, it is not really asking your opinion. When he starts rearranging the fact the furniture and it does what call what Carl Young said that he does that side could change ideas, emotions, attitudes, that of the guiding force of these men's lives are pushed one side and they become dominated by hony set of ideas, emotions that out to a profound personality to change. You're reborn and all of a sudden you're completely different human being, and then you go to AA meetings and then you're rocking in the Fourth Dimension Existence and you love your life. So now it's too late for me. I've got forty one years. What am I going to talk about? Drinking, I'm going to talk to you, and then I drank and then I drank and then I drank. There are people that can talk about that. There's nothing wrong with talking about that and I can do that. I can talk about the drinking and what I did when I was drinking, the people I heard, all sort of stuff. I've done here before. But what do you really want to talk about? You want to talk. This is what God has done for me. This is what God will do for you. This is what is waiting for you, because I believe I may be wrong. Alcoholics are interesting people, you know. You don't necessarily have to tell him how anything like that. If they see something they want, just like I remember Al Kennedy, I went to a leading I know regard about two minutes over. That's okay, you won't die. I remember sitting in the bar with a wife at home, with a little baby at home, and I've been there for three hours and I stayed there till two o'clock at night and then I went home drinking, looking at the girls. I don't know one guy saying to me. You know, rush, you got a wife and a hit at home. What the hell are you doing in the bar? You know you're wife and fit, what the Hell's wrong with you? You know what I mean? I didn't give a shit about I was looking at my way much...

...when I was drinking. You know that wasn't happy. No, No, when Alcoholic Sid looking at they only get started looking at the watch when they get sober, when they really don't want this thing because they got to get back to play fucking part cheesy or something, or they got a shampoo the Canary or whatever hell they got going for you, when you know you got nothing going in your life that's more important than this. But you know your alcoholics. So you're restless and you're hearing able and discontented and God forbid I go for more a minute over and you're going to explode, and you know what that is. That's alcoholism. That's alcoholism. But I'm not talking to you anymore. Anyway, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that one guy, because there's a guy in here and there's a gallon here that wants to hear this shit. I'm here for the hungriest person. I'm here for the guy that's really interested in this one than anything, I'm here for the guy saying I want go for three more hours. I want to talk to that guy. I'm not here for you, but I'm here for somebody you know. And so the bottom line is is that's what happens, that's what you become. And I believe I was three months ober, and I'll tell you this last story, one of my stories. They all Kennedy Story. Three Months Ober. You can have the same three months ober, I went to him. There was got am Al Kennedy at forty years and he was talking, I guess, doing the same thing I was doing. I know I can't remember the talk, but I remember sitting there watching him and I can never understand these guys. They were plumbers, mice. One of my sponsors with close used car salesman. Another one was was a mail carrier, postal worker, and there was ault Kennedy, who was a mechanic. And they sit up and I was trying murder cases, murder cases for jury's of twelve, and maybe sit up there talking like I'm talking for an hour. And I'd be sitting there as I'm paid. And over and over I stand on my feet in front of people in a court room and and and put on cases. And I'm looking at how Kennedy and these guys and they're talking for an hour seamlessly about their lives and who they are and what they are. And I'm saying, is what I'm saying. How the fuck do they do this? I couldn't do this. I couldn't do this, and I do this for a living. I can't. I couldn't talk more than five minutes, maybe ten minutes. You know, I wouldn't even know what to say. Okay, how do they do this? Because when you're so self involved and worried about what people think about me, you think it's such a piece of shit. You can't do any of this stuff. And as soon as you know who you are, what you are, who you belong to, you can do anything, and all I'm saying is I wish I had when he had. And I turned to my sponsor and I say, man, what group does he go to? Him Want to hang out with him? He says he's going to die. So what he's done? And says he's dying. I said what you mean? He's talking to just think, given a toil. You didn't say that, Russ I don't tell you. He's got. He's got cancer, inoperable cancer. He's got six months to live. And I said, this is the same sponsors who said what would you do with their bother you? So he's always saying shit like this to me. You know, he's always saying stupid things to me that. I said, Russell, I don't tell you, but he's dying. But he didn't say anything. He didn't say nothing about you. Is just trying to help people. As out, ten and six months later, out Kenny was dead, and let me tell you how big a deal that was. That was when I was three months Ober, when I was thirty one years old, and I'm seventy two years old now and I've been telling that story for forty one years. That's how much that story and Presse I was telling. I got that. I don't know whether anybody else knew that story. The only reason I knew that story is because they all left the only reason I knew that story is because I turned to my sponsor. He said he's dying. I don't know what there any about. Some room knew he was dying, but I knew it was dying and six months lady was dead. And how could I? How if you saw, I witness this shit? This is real. This is what this I said. Man, I don't know about the drink a thing. I want whatever the drug that guy's got. I want that Shit. You know what I mean? I want not being worried about dying crap, because for me, if I have a hang me, Oh that's good for three out, that's good for fifteen meetings. You know what I mean. I'm gonna Hunt of work fifteen me. I want the out Kennedy. Sobriety and so now, when my guys come up to me and they say they're worried about the money and they're worried about the girl and they're worried about this as how I don't worried about that. You'll be okay in twenty five years? YEA, O, can't twenty five. And they saw. Yeah, they do that, they do. They're the nervous laugh, you know, they sort of laugh because they think it's funny. But there's a problem. Yeah, they think, Holy Shit, I think he's telling me the truth. This is shit. He en up. But then again it's sort of helpful because you guys who are out there and you're not experiencing this and your experience, what I experience is the up in the down of the worry, at least you can say to yourself, well, maybe I'm okay, may not, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Maybe this is supposed to work like Scotch. Maybe one of the things...

I have to go through is all the tough time and all the bullshit and all the bullet boot camp in order to get to that place. Maybe you can't get forty one years in forty one minutes. Maybe I shouldn't panic some much, should worry about it and just enjoy the e right of Disney world. Okay, so God bless you all.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (132)