AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 99 · 4 months ago

Russell S. Talk 5 + 41st Anniversary at the 12 Step House 01/25/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 5 + 41st Anniversary at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 01/25/2022

I want to thank the group for the medallion. All, today is my actual birthday, an AA, and have my my name's Rolfil. I'm an alcohol I had my high. everybuddy, everybody had, Zoom Land Cody with eleven years, God bless y'all. So I had my last drink on January twenty five at around twelve or one o'clock in the afternoon. So this is my forty one birthday, but now it's late at night, so I'm way deep into my forty two year. I've never been here before. I'm seventy two years old. I've not been, I've never had I've never been into my forty seven year. So I'm looking forward to it. The adventure I'm gonna try to Lord Willing, I'm trying to come back and report to you what's going on, what I found. You know, every year, every minute, every day has different things going on, so it's good to be here. I'm going to talk a little bit. I know there's couple guys that broke the ice for me because they mentioned the word, they mentioned God, and I actually December, actually a month before that, on December twenty five, which is Christmas. You guys know that I'm just at three o'clock in the morning, I had been kicked out of a party because I was a drunk. That was by by some down a father to kick me out, and I was all alone on Christmas. And if you don't think about this disease of Alcoholis mean a little bit about loneliness. And so I was alone on Christmas. I mean there's loneliness, lonely, lonely. Loneliness is few do they say here and then an alcohol dry at the moment says feel better, look better. I haven't been a time we laugh at such SALOM. You know who'll find you old, will try the old game of gay because he's not happy with this part. So No, no, loneliness is for you do and it was too three o'clock the morning. I was lonely. Now there's loneliness and then there's loneliness. On Christmas. It's an altogether different type of loneliness when you know everybody in the Atana Universe has somebody and they're all sitting by fireplaces with their entire family. Then there's you, all alone, the only planet on the plant, only person on the planet that has nobody. I turned on a TV second and some preacher was on. I tend to think that preachers when they're talking at three o'clock in the morning on Christmas morning, they have a sense that maybe talking to some alcoholics or lost souls. I don't know. But he gave his testimony and I'm a socker for testimony. I still amb what it was like, what happened, what it's like now, and the way I remember it, although I don't remembered word for word, is I was thirty one years old. I thought my life was over and it was never going to get better again. He said, if you want to change your life, you know if you're sick and tired of in sick and tiger wants change your life. He said Lord's waiting for you to give give your life to him, as Jesus into your life, and I got down. This is my story, by the way, because the big book says each individual and his own words and mean his own language, talks about here how he developed a relationship of God. That's that's what it is all about. For anybody else should never be never be ashamed of God. We never apologize for God. We're on a new basis. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We let him demonstrate in our lives where you can do. At once fear vanishes.

That's saying he is a is about cated with your relationship with him. His writing, great events will come to past view and how this other's. He is the one that says, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness, we must our kills. This God makes that possible once you make a sincere, sincere surrender to him. Sincere surrender makes him the number one thing in our lives. Also, it's remarkable things happen. Being and all powerful, all powerful, there is one who has all power. You know, one of the things I discovered at ten years sober and thereafter, is that the god of my imagination, made up God of my imagination, although he may keep me sober for ten years, the God of my understanding, my imagination, is not necessarily the one who has all power. You know, there's a higher power and then there's a highest power and and as things go on and things go things continue to happen your life and you suffer the vaguaries of life, you may find that there comes to a point in your life where where, no matter how many means you're going to a matter many times they say don't drink, even if you ask, falls off. No matter how many people you sponsor, you may reach the point where somehow it's just not working for you. You're sort of treading more and then you sort of like in a difficult position. I'm going to talk a little bit about that because that's my story these days about emotional sobriety. Bill Wilson had the same story at twenty three or sober, when you start going into a depression, and he started. He was just he was a founder and he had no he had no answer. He had no answer because after you've done Aa and you've done everything he talked to you to tell you to do an egg and you find yourself sober and unhappy, you have a big problem. You have a big problem because then where do you go? You know, when any big shot, then where do you go? And they'll come a point in everybody's life. Well, there'll be no there will be no defense against the first drink. They'll be no defense against the loneliness, they'll be no defense against the depression. Even if you got forty years or forty one years of sobriety, and your defense is going to have to come from something else. Suffer from another deal, and you need to have that deal available for you. Some of you will experience what I'm saying. There's no need to panic because obviously a lot of us go through that and some of you are on your way. You'll soon, you'll, you'll experience it one of these days. There's no secret that alcoholism is not about drinking. Nobody in alcoholics anonymous has a drinking problem. They're here because they've resolved the drinking problem. But they have is they have a problem that centers in their mind, not their body. Big Book is very clear. It's not. What we need to do is we need to be rocking in the fourth dimension existence and experience much of Heaven, and then we'll know peace. We got to know the new freedom. We got to know the new happiness, not drinking, putting the plug in the jug. There's not the new freedom of the new happiness. It may be freedom from the initial bondage of alcohol, drinking, which isn't even the disease, it's just the symptoms of the disease. But the freedom to free yourself from fear of what other people think about you the freedom to think about, being free of worrying about money, having that keep you up all night, or anything keep you up at all night. What do you worried about? People or situations? That kind of freedom, you know, the joy of living, freedom, the freedom where you you don't have...

...you, you're anxious for nothing. That kind of freedom. That's a whole different deal. Rare is the man who has that going form and alcoholics anonymous. And the question always becomes, you know, you can do everything right and all the Aa stuff and somehow not getting that thing. How do you gain that deal? So I got down on my knees on December twenty five, nineteen eighty, and I follow with the guy told me. I foll directions. You know, I think if somebody was to ask me, what's the best thing you do in alcoholics anonymous, and would very, very few alcoholics can actually do I was on re lay for eight years. Anybody called up in day county wanted to speak somebody alcoholics alms, they got me, which is why nobody got sober doing that period of time. And what I found in Aa is and, and I'm not this is a generalization. They say all general is Atians are wrong, including this one. But what I found is that the real key to hitting bottom and taking the first step, because the man that follows directions, you know, because one thing I do know about me. When I came some guy told me to get down on my knees and give my life to Jesus, and I did it. I said the Lord's prayer. I mean I said the sinner's prayer, which is pretty weird when you consider I'm a Jewish kid from New York. But what that tells you? I'll tell you what that tells you. That tells you that the intellectual pride was gone, Bob Smith says, and in Dr Bob's nightmare, the last paragraph he says if you're an atheist, by the way, it takes a standing on safeteist. They say this sort of thing. It has to be abandoned. I'm your code of morals. Yes, mere code of morals. You know, through the next right thing. Who In orderly direction? If I'm mere code of morals, a better philosophy of life would have helped us. We have been sober a long time ago, but doesn't help us. We lack the power to do it. They needed power. Was In there. We had to find a power, which means you wrote a book where we talk about God and then he says this. Here's the problem. When we tell alcoholics what the answer is, that happles in the next stand up, because they hate the solution. The one thing you can tell about alcoholics is a consequence of alcoholism is you hate the solution. It doesn't surprise me at should surprise you that alcoholics say things like if they had spoken to me about God, I would have walked out the room, of course, because that's a that's a sign of alcoholism. Unless until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, the sobriety will be precring some the true happiness. They'll find none at all. And one of the consequences of alcoholism is alcoholics hate the solution. That's what they say in the big book. And yet they say, but this sort of thinking has to be abandoned, and that's why, for so many of us, including me, hardship is the pathway to peace. Somehow, for some reason, alcoholics get a new perspective as they go along through years and decades and multiple decades, on what they have to do and who God is and the way they learn is by repeated humiliation and the final crushing of their self sufficiency until they get to the point, like they say in the book of James, where they learned the value, the value of suffering. So if you're an alcoholic and...

...you hate the idea of God, like Bill Wilson Did, Bill Wilson Dad, he said the God idea was horrible to me. I hated it, and that's when they said, well, that's okay, use your own imagination. They said, come on in, your whatever it is that gets you in, come on in. But anybody who reads the big book with an open mind that understands what they're saying. They didn't say the bill you can just stay there for the next thirty years. He's like a spiritual kindergarten. They knew that an order to stick around, his his idea of God, had a not only maintained, it had to grow, and it did grow with bill and it did grow with Bob. And that's why Bob said, if you and out an atheist or an agnostic, orb some sort of form of intellectual pride that keeps you from understanding what we're trying to tell you in this book. We feel sorry for you because Your heavenly father, you're a new employer, you're the he's the principle, you're the agent, your new employer, your heavenly father will never let you down. And what I learned is my real problem with something called intellectual pride. Now I'll sometimes say to people, and is the truth, that in my earthly life, in my earth life, I would graduate pro problem with a lots of mathematics. I was going for a PhD in Algebraic topology. I went to law school, I was the Venci the SI atturney's office, I was a law professor. I was arguably not only a success but a very bright guy. But the truth is you don't need all those degrees academically to be a very bright guy, because I've never met an alcoholic and alcoholics anonymous, that didn't think they were smarter than me with no degrees. That's why all my sponsees would say things like they would ask me a question, I start to answer them and then they'd stop me before I got to the second word and say no, no, no, you don't understand. So you don't need degrees to believe you're the smartest son of a bitch in the world you and that you know more than anybody else and you're not listening to anybody, you're doing anything. If, unless you understand it, you just need to be a sick, insane fucking alcoholic. You know. So, if you have a feeling, if you find yourself an obedient somebody's fall about God or talking about the stuff I'm talking about and you say to yourself, I hate this shit, don't worry about it, you're in the right place. Yeah, because that's a sign that you've got rampant alcoholism, because that's part of the insanity to hate the only thing that's going to keep you sober. And you get, guess that, guess what, I'm not telling you what to do because you wanted some. You get to hang on to that for ten, twenty, thirty years. You get to say things like, well, I've been an A, A, I've been an AA for thirty years, round a for thirty years and I got ninety days now. You get to say stuff like that. You get to keep on slipping and coming back and slipping and coming back and all that sort of stuff, because what happens is when they start talking about the serious stuff, the stuff that will keep you sober and have you grow the hell up and be a mature man and woman. You know the thing they talked about in the sixth step, the old timers steps, the steps that separate out the men from the boys. You know the definition of that is the men and the women are those that will repeatedly try these things so they become entirely ready to grow in the image and likeness of their creator. You know the Creator. You know the the one where they talk about if you want to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much...

...of heaven. You know, it's very simple. The great fact is this, and nothing less. Just make God the centerpiece of Your Life, make him the central fact of your life and become convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous, doing for you what you can't do for yourself. Just do that. Just just listen to what they say in the seventh step when they say you can even say you believe in God and your belief is bad R and won't do you crap. You know why? Because your life is not built around God. God for you is just rabbit's foot. You're really a spiritual agnostic or spiritual atheist. You say believe, believe in God, but the God you believe in is some sort of made up thing in your mind that doesn't really touch your life. You keep them in the glove compartment or you keep them in your pocket, or you keep them into in the trunk next to the fair tire. You bring them out when you say the Lord's prayer. You bring them out when you say the serenity prayer. Every once in a while, if things get really flipping rough, you know what I mean, the three o'clock in the morning, you may get on your knees and say God, help me with this. You know what I mean. But but the truth of the matter is, you know how they say God is everything or he is nothing. There's no middle of the road solution, HALF MEASURES OF AL you're nothing for you. I know God is everything and I know God is nothing. I know it takes a stand and says it says this sort of thinking, atheism, must be abandoned. I know God. I know the big book says God has to be everything, but most alcoholics, like myself, take a middle of the road solution. God is everything but blonds or something to God is everything, but money is like really important. I mean it's not that money's important. Is just right up there with oxygen, because we all know that it's important to have a spiritual life. But everybody in here knows if they just give me a million dollars, everything would be okay. You know what I mean. A million dollars trumps to God thing. And we all know that God is everything. But the job is more important. Where the people like you is more important. Your car is more important, your weight is more important, whether you're getting late is more important. We all know there's all these two thousand things on the planet that everybody celebrating on team and everything that are that are more important to you than God. And over here in AA every one's wily. They talk about the God thing and that's where God is for most of us for ten or twenty years, until we continue to drink, drink again, or decide. We decide, we just don't. We don't want to be unhappy anymore. Understand what I'm saying? So, so the only thing. So in these days in my life. You know, as they say, and I think this is true, your story changes when you come day. My story is changed. You know, I have a different story now. You know, forty one years my story is not so much. I'm not saying I'll talk. I Love Newcomers, I'll talk to anybody, I'll try to help anybody, but the truth of the matter is my story has always been, for the last, you know, ten or fifteen, twenty years, about emotional sobriety, about making God the centerpiece of Your Life. That's been my deal. And you know, people don't have to like it, they don't want to have to want theyn't want to want it, you know, or anything like that. It's okay, it doesn't matter. There are some people that are looking to need to hear that story, you know. So I'm not going to give you a drunk a log or anything like that. What I'm what I want to tell you is I want to I want to say to you that there's something more in here than just not drinking going to meetings. There's something more going on here than doing time in am. You know what I mean. I mean you...

...could, you can do this thing halfass, and most of us, including myself, do it Halfass, not even knowing we're doing it halfass, because we're spending so much activity doing stuff that we generally don't want to do and we're staying sober. Isn't that the only thing in a? A Don't dream go to meetings, even if he asks, falls off and collecting these medallions. Isn't that the only thing? These medallions are the only thing in a isn't that it? But there may come a time in your life, like they came a time bill willsons life, like they came in time of my life, where you do this. For a long time I was doing I let me tell you some I was ten years ober. I was sponsoring everything that moved. This meeting's been going on. I'm not sure how long this is. This group seventy two years old. It's the oldest, one of the oldest steps series in the state of Florida and I think I've been doing the steps over the last twenty, five, thirty years every year and I was doing all sort of step being inside ten years sober. I was starting to cut speak at conventions, you know, around the country, and I was I was doing all the steps. I mean actually you know, doing them. I could teach I would. That was a time in my life when I did a step series where I actually spoke about the steps. I really did. I would tell of here's how to do a four step and I would talk about the steps. You know, I might have been good at it. I don't even know, but I've been think and everything. But the point is that, you know, and I was. I was doing the deal. I was on relay for eight years. You know, I was Secretary Group, I was the Integra Backu Chair invan to. I was doing I stack what I was doing before anybody else. And yet with all that work I was doing and everything I was doing and having great sponsors, I found myself a ten years and I wasn't happy with my sobriety. I was still experience experiencing anxiety. Now I would be happy to tell you I was still experiencing fear, I was still still experiencing lost, I was still experiencing selfpity. You know now now I had I would give you reasons. Well, of course I'm scared, I'm two months behind the rent, I don't have any money. Well, of course I would. I would give you reasons that made sense to me. But here's what happened. Every once in a while I would run into people and alcoholics anonymous, usually guys with thirty or forty or fifty years and they would have like terminal cancer and they would be happier than me. And I didn't understand that. But I'll tell you what I witnessed it. I witnessed people going through a lot worse stuff than I've ever been through and they were perfectly okay. My sponsor ten years said you know why you're upset and I said I tell the story all the time. I'll leave out the details. I was going to get divorced. I was upset with my wife and said you know why I upset, and I told him why I was upset. He said that's not why you're upset. I said, that's not why. I've said this is no. I said, well, why am I upset? He said you're upset because you're acceptable. I Sa what is that? What? I don't have you have you? The Guy Bounced to check on me. How could you not be? My Wife said that. How did you not be a how could get it? I said, I'm just telling you. You upset because you have Europe S. let me tell you something. In this life you will have problems. There's no set. If you did everything right, and you suffered. So you had no consequences as a result of you're screwing up because you was so good. You did every you did the next right thing at every turn. One day you're still going to go out there and get slammed in an automobile accident. Somebody's going to disappoint you, you know, somebody's going to violate your trust. Shit is going to happen, you're going to get cancer, the child is going to die, you know, all that stuff is going to happen. Then what are you going to do? Where...

...are you going to do? A big shot, and that shit happens when life all of a sudden, when you're doing everything life or right, and life isn't going your way. Like my sponsor asked me, how are you doing? I said Great. He said, well, you must be getting your own way, and he was right. How do you do when you don't get your own way? How do you do when you're sitting in the meeting and somebody's talking about God and you don't like him? You get all you do? What's that a sign up? What's that a sign up? It's a sign of alcoholism, but it's a sign up. So I've actually lived three lives, they say. You know, one of the things that you say in the bit and in the books. I ready say, well, I'll call get live two lives. I think it's sort of like three lives. I think it's three lives. I think I think you have an essentially sort of like three types of you got an alcohol I lived a drinking life. I know what is drinking life and and alcoholic life seems the only normal one. He can't separate the truth from the false. I know what it's like to live in the bullshit, in the total lie, in the drinking life. I know what it's like when they say we have recovered from a hopeless state of mind the body. I know what a hopeless state of mind the body is. And I know somehow, some way, without any knowledge whatsoever except desperation, not because I was a good guy or I did anything right, because the desperation I was given a gift, the gift of the gift of desperation. They can't doing anything, turning to anything, any imagine everything, anything. I became entirely ready to give up the drinking and so I made I don't care what it was, my sponsor, the God, the group, the God, I don't care what it was. I had no idea what God wasn't. But I became ready to surrender myself, so much so that when I was depressed and I was going to kill myself because I had no money and I didn't know what to do, and I was two months ober and I walked up to my sponsor, and I was even willing to have a sponsor, and I said to him, I'm broke, I don't know what to do, all sorts of Shit is going to happen, and he said to me, I know what your problem is. You need to start making coffee for the group. You think I fucking understood that? Would you have understood that? I didn't think he understood what I was trying to tell him. You know what I did? I followed him over the Coffee Pot and he showed me how to measure out the coffee and what to do. And here's the crazy thing, the next day, then next day when I was even more depressed because no money came in and I didn't want to go to the meeting because I was more depressed. You know, what I did. I went to the meeting because I had to make the coffee. Now Up, you want to know what a miracle is? If you're an alcohol that is a miracle. You know what it is when you say I'm not going to mean this. A A is bullshit. I'm going to get another spons yet you know what that is. That's intellectual pride, the concept that you're not doing crap unless it makes sense to you. The stuff that will keep you sober, the stuff that will rock at you into the fourth dimension of existence, the stuff that will make the difference between you get forty years or you get forty months, is the stuff that, trust me, is the extra credit, stuff that makes no sense to you. You will tell yourself you're doing everything, and the truth of the matter is is what you're doing is everything you will agree to do and nothing you don't want to do. And what you ultimately find out is, in order to get that thing, which most people will never get, an Aa, you got to be prepared to do the shit that most people never do.

And so one day have to sponsoring ten billion people and doing all the steps and doing the circuit and doing the bullshit and staying sober and collecting the medallions. I remember was Mynaday I got my first medallion, my first years of medallion, and the next one I woke up and it was listen and I tore apart the bedroom look at my badaion. It was like gode and I was panic because I knew I was going to drink that day because I didn't have them a dallion. And somewhere along the line I got this thought and the thought said I it was a thought from God. That's what it was from. He said, Russell, the reason you're you're not drinking. The power that helps you not to drink has nothing to do with this piece of fucking metal. You know, I never carry this right. I mean some guys put on. It's okay if you put wear like a whatever, a rabbit's footer. I think that's not what's keeping me. So you know, the sponsors not given me so right there, the group was not keeping a's not my God. He's not a, not the one, the one that has all power. It ain't a, it ain't the trustees of a, it ain't my sponsor. You know what I mean, when you're lying in your deathbed and you've got cancer, or some really bad shit is going on. Hey, he's not going to have the power. Sponsor is not going to have the power, best friends not going to have the power. They're going to find out there's going to some be some serious shit going on if you're growing up in this world where you're going to need one who has all power and figure out who that is. And Somehow, when I had ten years, I got to that point where I was sober. I was stark, Raven sober, but I wasn't happy with my sobriety and I to somebody that I trusted regarding that deal and he said to me, said, you know, you need to you need to you need to get to the next level, you need to get something else. He says, need to go to Bible, study this men's Bible. So you need stuck on that. And I immediately knew that that was wrong. I knew that that because I've been an AA. I knew what they thought about religion. I heard I knew that religion was bullshit and that all spiritual reality was within the complines of our fellowship, although basically a fellowship is not exactly well peoples anonymous. But you know, the boy I knew that all the saints and all the people that really knew the stuff were the guys that used to hang in the bars that were here now. And I knew he was wrong because an AA, we hate religion, in a religion bad priests, bad ministers, bad you know what I mean. I'm spiritual. I'm a spiritual guy. Was a blond books in the room, you know, but I'm pretty much spiritually, you know, grown up. I'm spiritual, not religious, and you don't have to be here a long time to realize that. Aa Hates God, don't you? And the way you learn that is through your fellowship. That's why you don't talk about God. You say HP. Are you some sort of other words? You don't talk too much about God. That right, everybody. Yet you don't know that, don't you? Every better. Sin In here knows that you don't talk about God. Some people here are saying, I'm understand how this assholes got away with this shit. I do it all the time. I'm talking about Jesus of pre groups of three thousand people. You know why? Because I've read the literature, because I know what age is really bad. I work a program about bobs, anonymous. I don't work the fellowship. About Bobs, I know what the big book says. The Big Book says we encourage Church membership. You probably didn't read it...

...or if you read it, you popped in the ply to you. We incredit says, it says. You know, reading that book, it says really, ever seen a person of bail who has thoroughly followed our heath and says we encourage church membership? Doesn't tell you what church he said. Most of us belong did these organizations. You know why? Because these are going to thang some made of people, believe or not, people are not necessarily alcoholic, who focus their whole lives and every problem in the same problems we have and try to look for answers in God. And you know we have a set eleven step men, I've seen it, where we're trying to improve our conscious contact with God. So where else you going to go? The KOWANAS club? Hang out in here with a bad mouth God and people believe in God all the time. No, no, that's what it says. But of course it says of course this is optional, so that if you're real alcoholic you can be like an alcohol lawyer and look for the loopholes and say, yeah, they all did it, all the founders did it, they encouraged it, but it's not I'm not obligated to do it, so I'm not going to do it. And then you can say to yourself in a book that says rarely haven't seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. What kind of sobriety is that? What kind of surrender is that? What kind of mature person is that? And then maybe you'll read something in the book where it says we lose prejudice, even against organized religion. We begin to see where religious people are right and you say, well, what do they mean by that and why do they put that in the book? And you start reading even more and you realize that in the sixth step, where it says this is a step that separates men from the book boys, the men from boys, it says this is a well loved clergyman, a well large clergyman, said this is the step that separates. That basically tells us that the man who's going to do the sticks six step, the true six step, as a man is trying to grow in the image and like is. They're creative and so I don't know what happened, but like the Coffee Pot, I came to another coffee pot decision. The Guy said you ought to go to a Bible study and I this is what I thought. I said, why aren't I going when all the Shit is being said? And they all did it and I'm saying, well, I'm not going because I'm scared. I'm scared with the people in a will think about me. Oh Man, what old what kind of sober life is that? I've been scared all my life about what other people out there think about me. I'm going to sit in a room of alcoholics, anonymous where God is all of the wall, and I'm going to be scared of what some banana who sitting next to me, it doesn't pay my bes of milk, thinks about me. What kind of I don't want that sobriety. I want the new freedom, I want the new happiness. And so I started on the Bible study and hung around with a forty fifty men who we were twenty of thirty, forty years old. Than Ei there were sixty, seventy, eighty and nine years old. They've been dealing with the same crap we've been dealing in the same life and and all they did was talk about the Lord, all they did was talk about God. All they did was a quote stuff like look like the goods matter of the stuff that we talked about. I said, man, these guys are serious. HMM, they're serious about the God that they are very serious. And I found my third sponsor and there he had fifty years. He was a Baptist missionary and he's the let me how serious these guys are. They go out to dinner and you start diving in. They said, Whoa, what are you doing? The packed restaurant says you can't yet. We have to give thanks the Lord for this with you. And then you sit there and you bow your head while every and you look around you and he's found his head. He's seen when these long Baptist prayers and you're looking around to see who's looking at you because you're so scared that other people what other people think about you, that you don't even know. And he goes to the prayer and then he says that you Lord, and then he looks at you, this man and he said has now rust...

...the food or fit will taste better because it's got that special ingredients and you hang around with men like that, who aren't ashamed of God, who don't apologize for God, who based their whole life upon God. And then what happens? You know what happens. You become the person will becoming five years will depend upon the people I hang out with, the books you read, the books you need, depend upon who you hang out with. And all of a sudden, without even knowing it, you're changing. It's not not only you're changing, you're modeling yourself. You want what they have, you want the peace that they have. I'm an ended, I'm and end up there. I'll give you. I'll give you what's and that's the deal, you know, and I'll tell you something. That's the second life I lived in. The second life I lived in a is, making believe that I was spiritual and I was doing the program when I was really just as material as I was before I got here, still doing the same things, looking after the same things, but making believe that I believe that a make believe God. And then the third thing, in a is, where I had been, I utterly abandoned myself to God. And, by the way, the terminology I'm using utterly abandon myself to God, to relationship. These are all quotes from what's called the big book of alcoholics anonymous, which is our basic text. So if you have a problem with that, you need to write New York and come rip that Shit Out of the book because you don't like it. It talks too much about God. So I was at a meaning where a guy said, and I understand this and it's true, he said this statement. Let me give you the statement. I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to think to yourself about. He said I wake up every morning with untreated alcoholism. Did you hear me? I wake up every morning with untreated alcoholism, and so I have few vigilant how many people believe that's true? Raise your hand. So I got a question I got to ask that. I woke up this morning, I got out of bed and the first thing I said was this, thank you Jesus, thank you God for my life. Did I wake up with untreated alcoholism? That's my question, that I wake up with untreated alcoholism or did I wake up with treated alcoholism? So for many years I would get on my knees when things that really bad and I would try to turn my life or turn something over to God, surrender it to God, put it in the God box, whatever you want to say about it, you understand. I think it's a standard thing we're doing egg every day, every second, every problem, trying to put it in the God box and turn over to God. Well, what would happen if you got real serious about this thing and so serious where you were thinking about him all the time and pray with it, praying without ceasing, and hanging around guys like John Glenn? What would happen? Do you think it's possible to live a turned over life? Do you think it's possible to live a turned over life where you think so much about God and all the people you hang out with think about God and you don't hang out with people that put God down or roll their eyes? Do you think it's possible to live such a life where you're so involved and he's the centerpiece of your life, where when you wake up in the morning, your first lords are not about your day, First Lords about thanking God? Did some it's absolutely possible. It's absolutely possible, Dr Bob said, if you're an atheist or agnostic, have some sort of intellectual pride that keeps you from this thing. I feel sorry for you, your heavenly father and that wo let you down. Thank you very much.

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