AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 100 · 5 months ago

Russell S. Talk 4 at the 12 Step House 01/18/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 4 at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 01/18/2022

My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic the South Tis of group. It's a privilege to be here and it's great to see all you guys, and so some young guys here. I don't think I was ever then young' tell you. I'm seventy two years old. I came in when I was thirty one. I I haven't a found lessaid have a drink since January twenty one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's it is a privilege to be here. I all my friends on zoom. That a lot of zoom friends. It's good to see Tracy from Mexico. I know her friend Zoom too, and and a whole lot of other people, a lot of new friends all over the world actually. So it's great to hear so. One of the if you've ever heard me before, or if you've been here for last few weeks, you may have noted that I have a tendency to talk a lot about God. It's I mean you may you may have thought, may have crossed your mind that, even though this is a step series, it seems like every meeting I'm always talking about God. Yeah, I might have to do something about that. I don't know, but I'm I want to explain to you, based on my own experience, what's going to me. Why that, why that happened to me, because, you know, we all have our individual journeys here. We're all going to wind up wherever we wind up. Personally, I think as you got older in this thing, if you have the a bitch of reaching forty years or fifty years or something like that, you want to. You're probably want to end. Well, you know you don't want to. I have a lot of guys, you know, a lot of people that I met who I love and I'll help them. I'll do whatever I can. Say things like they say things like this. I hear this a lot. I one of the changes that it's happened in my life. Now, my my life by a life is is different than it was when I had five years. It's different than I had twenty years. For instance, I used to go to have detox as. He used to sponsor a lot of New People and I love New People and I'll do anything I can to help them. They call me. Most of people I sponsor now have over twenty or thirty years and it's it's a different type of deal when you're sponsoring some we with twenty, thirty years or still at first of all, for the most part, they actually they listen to you. Well, these days they they pretend to listen to you. They'll let you finish a sentence without saying no, you don't understand, after you get at the second word, you know what I mean. So so they'll do so they're a little more mature, you know, the less excitable, you know, and and the problems are a little bit different. Their problems are a little bit different and there and they're, quite frankly, more tuned to the idea of the God thing, you know what I mean. So and I guess. I guess they're attracted to me. I can only guess because maybe, well, maybe they want what I have and maybe maybe it has something to do they reach the point of the life, they're in their s or s or s and and they feel like they're missing something. You know, that can happen to you. You can be working this thing for like ten or fifteen years and twenty years and somehow you get to the point in your life you feel like they're missing something. You read. You read the chapter about being rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, experiencing much of heaven and you will know peace. You read this stuff about you lose fear of people and that could economic insecurity. You read of all the stuff in the big book about being on a new basis, trusting and relying upon God and having courage and all ment of faith. Have encourage and you you may not talk about this in a mean if you have fifteen or twenty years, but you say to yourself, you know, why isn't that happening to me? I mean I've been doing this thing pretty hard and pretty heavy for like fifteen twenty years, but not talking about fifteen twenty minutes, fifteen twenty years. And you may get to the point we're actually started thinking to yourself, you know, what am I going to do? I've been doing everything. Happen, sponsoring people, I've been going to meets, I've been doing everything and and and I'm quote, relatively happy. You know. Well, you know, alcoholics have this other consequence in their lives as we have the ability for some reason, I don't know whether we're delusional or or stubborn or whatever. You know, I don't know what name to put up pin on it, but we have the ability, before we come in here and even after we coming here, to live lives that are sort of miserable or really not that good and somehow tell ourselves that we're doing okay. You know, in some I you know, we get sort of both sides. We have people, sometimes a lot of people in here. I'll be with somebody who feel like they're doing horribly and they're doing terribly, and the truth is they're actually doing well. Sometimes, sometimes you're feeling horribly, you're actually doing good and sometimes when you're feeling good, you're you're actually not doing that good. You know, you send yourself up being bad, feeling bad. But but...

...one of the things we and that's why it's so good to have sponsors, to have some sort of guide so they're not relying on your own thinking and but but the truth of them as we do have the ability to sort of like, you know, settle, or else they wouldn't talk about it so much. In the seventh step, settled in six and seven, we settle for what we have so far. You know, we know we're settling because we're not doing anything different, we're not growing, we're not doing anything. We're doing the same thing. Over and over and again. There is something good about doing the same thing over and over again, you know, like going to meeting, sponsoring people. But the truth is we don't seem to be digging deeper in the well. We're not going further anything like that. And and when that happens, and one of the things I say is that if you want, you but and then what happens is we run into people in AA that seemed to be doing seem to be at a different point in their sobriety. Like I talked about Al Kennedy, but I had more than I have the Alt Kennedys of this world. The Guy saw speak who was dying of cancer and you was the happiest guy in the room. And I'm looking I said, how do you do that? How do you? How do you die? How do you? How are you dying of cancer and you have the joy and you're happier than anybody else in the room? How does that happen? You know what I mean. I mean stay away from alcohol. Is a big deal. You understand, you know what I mean. But but stay away from alcohol and having an attitude of gratitude, to be a happy trying to help other people while you're dying of cancer. That's like a huge deal to me, you know, and so I wanted what that Al Kennedy had. I don't know how. I don't know how to get that. You know, it's not I don't know how to get you know, one of the one of the interesting things about drinking alcohol, one of the reasons I love drinking alcohol, although I didn't realize this at the time. You understand, you don't realize this one drinker. It's just a way of life. My alcoholic life is the only normal, normal life for me. But one thing that you have to when you're drinker's alcohol, Work Fash, the work trash. I mean you can walk into a bar and, I feel good about yourself and be a little bit down or, you know, be worried about what other people think about you and be lonely, anything. You know, you can have a couple of shots and all of a sudden you're like Superman, you know what I mean. It's like it's just something we're so well, so fast to get you out whatever the deal is that's going on with you. and Aa doesn't work like that really over the long run. I mean you might have to go to two hundred ladies get the same effect, like two shots will give you. You know what I mean. It's like it's a long, long term sort of thing. And the other thing about this deal we're involved in, interestingly enough, is and we're always for many years. I was always surprised at this. I didn't really understand it. A lot of this stuff you had. You know, this is my bottle way, this is my experience. Okay, you're not to buy into any of the stuff. This is just my experience. So that's what I'm going to talk about. My experience is growing older and a a my experiences is, as you're going through this, at least for the first ten or fifteen or twenty years, what you really see is your problems. You you, you spend a lot of time in AA. I mean you're excite, you're happy and you're grateful that you're sober, but you sure do. You sure are alert to your problems. You Youre's certainly alert. I mean, I don't know what kind of spriety you have, but I can tell you something. There ain't nothing like sober fear. There ain't nothing like sober anxiety. There ain't nothing like having being ten years Ober, having a wife and four kids and being broke, and it's very plopping one and in two months behind the Moor. There ain't nothing like a sober mind who is doing alcoholics anonymous who's got fifteen thousand voice saying where am I getting the money? How you do this? What's gonna Happen? There's nothing like living life at the vagreas of life, some of which are consequence of life that are caused by me and my actions. Some would or consequences of my life that are not closed by me. They just happened, because life is like that. I mean, Shit happens, you know. You know, you get into an accident started it's not even your fault, or you find that you have cancer or somebody dies or whatever. Crap just happens. There's nothing like living life. I mean there's there's a there's a there's a there's a kind of thing where you can live life and experience the problems and drink. is a drinker's life, you know, where you experience life's problems and you drink and that shitty. But you know, at least I'm used to it. You know, at least it's it's something I'm used to. I'm used to experiencing. Why, a lot problems and go to the bullshit and they go into the bar. This is like the bar. This is like the bar, this is alcoholics anonymous, this is the bars are waiting room. You know what I mean, the guys, everybody in here, everybody in here, they're the same people I hung out with the bars. You know what I mean. I used to love hanging out with alcoholics. Those are my people. I still do, you know, I I still do.

I can't get away from you all. You know what I mean. And so there that. That was my life. My life was hanging out with alcoholics, getting drunk and going through the bullshit in life and complain about it, okay, and I I what I did was I threw in the towel on that and I went to another bar. I went to alcoholics anonymous, and I stopped drinking, and then I went through the next ten or twenty years living life and all the bullshit and all the bullshit people and all the stuff that was happening, all the complaints I have and everything, and I go to another bar, and it would be called like the twelve step room or something like that. I dump them all in here and it's a different type of deal, you know what I mean. But it ain't rock it into the fourth dimension of existence. I can tell you that, whatever that stuff is, they're Tomaut the big book about being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, losing fear of people in that Canot consecurity. I don't know, you guys might a latched on to a different sort of Aa than I lasted on too, but I was hitting this thing real hard with sponsors and all sorts of stuff, and I was still I I don't even know when I stopped worrying about the money thing. I don't even know when I stopped worrying about what people thought about me and AA, or what people thought about me outside of Theay. I'm not saying I do this thing perfectly, and I really don't. That would be a lie. I'm not saying I never had a concern about money or anything like that, but compared to the the constant, almost every day, every week, something going wrong, something to worry about, something to obsess about, the worrying about the people to worry about, this not even know when I was worried something that I have to have a sponsors, that would point out to me, well, you're scared of this and you're if you're I didn't even know what the problem was, you know I mean. And in the midst of this, I would have periods where I felt great, like I'd go to a meeting or I help somebody and I feel great. So I thought and that I was doing the program because I would feel great, like temporarily, and that is doing the program but it didn't. It does some like last it's like you feel great and then you you're scared. You feel great and then you can't sleep, wake up at three o'clock in the morning. You feel great and then you got a problem. It's like it's not like that rocket ship ran the fourth of Minionshin of existence and all that other stuff you see. And so, you know, I ten years sobriety. I'm saying to myself, what is this going to kick in? I mean, it's not like I it's not like I mean, I've been doing this stuff for ten years. I don't know about you, but I pretty much think ten years is I mean it took me four years to be a lawyer, three or four years to be a lawyer, you know what I mean? And I pretty much think that that after ten years I have pretty much had this thing down and it seems to me like I'm just scratching the surface. I'm still worried about stuff. And says in the big book here and there once in a while, former drinker says I feel better, look better, having a better time. We laugh at such sally. You know who'll try the old game again because he's not happy with the sobriety. Soon the loneliness, as few do. And they talk about the difference between the men and the boys, the division. They say the boys are those that sort of settled for the way they are right now. They just settled, you know, they said, well, this is the way it is, this is the way it is. Just staying sober, hang in there, one flipping day at a time, you know what I mean? That kind of like you're doing time and they doing time in an, you know what I mean, and just picking up your medallions and not drinking and the part of the not drinking club. And you know, the truth of matter is you finally may found this hard to believe that that can get old, that can get it's hard to explain how that can get old, because you really have to expead some of these things. You may not understand it ellectually. I didn't understand it electually. You know you I mean, you have in your brain this idea, but once I have thirty years and once I have fifteen years, I'm going to be a supers I'm be right, it's going to be perfect. You know what I mean. And then all send you got. What happens when you get fifteen years and you're still lonely? What happens when you get seven or eight years and your you feel you still feel like you're not good enough, you're still scared. What happens when you're still scared, when you're doing this thing and you're not drinking and you're doing all the stuff you're supposed to do? What happens when it's not, in your mind, working for you? And you know, one of things I was thinking about and is I said, you know, Russell, you know this is a step series. You ought to talk about a step hm as a well, and I said I have like three left to go. There's this and I would technically be on step ten. So so I figure I'm going to talk a little bit about step ten, but I'm not going to talk about step ten the way you used to having step ten talk about because because unfortunately I got to talk about God. So I'm going to talk about step ten and why it's important and it's connection to God. Like faith in God, my faith in God doesn't have...

...to be your faith in God, you know. And so maybe you'll understand me a little bit more about why I talk about that all the time and why it's important to me. Maybe you'll get something out of it, maybe you won't. But you know, here's the deal. You can argue with me about facts, but you can't argue with me about my experience. And I think what the big book says is we supposed to share our experience, strength and hope and and you know what, if I go to a convention, I go somebody's outsid. I'm going to tell what you're want to say. What it was like, what happened when it's like now. So what happens? If you guys have ever been to a convention? What you're supposed to do is you don't do stuff like this, you don't do like things like what I'm doing that. What you do is you tell what it was like, you tell a story and it includes like a twenty or thirty minute. Some people do use it for a whole hour drunk a lot and it's always like it's for identification and people love it because they identify and it's funny and it's like entertaining and it's good. It's nothing wrong with it, okay, but the truth is I did one the other and I had a I had a I actually I used to do them all the time and I don't do much anymore. I do this stuff, you know what I mean. And but when you start talking about what happens to you after you stop drinking, after the obsession is gone, after the craven is gone and you're dealing with life and real terms as a sober alcohol you're sober now, you're not drinking. Well, I hunt even say you're sober, I'll say you're dry, you're not drinking, you're an AA and you start dealing with handling life sober, it's not so comical anymore. It's not as humorous. You know what I mean. It's not something there's not too many jokes going around. You know. You know, and by the way, I want to say I one of my friends is on Zooma's names. Ali just came out of a operation for cancer and I was been praying for him and I just want to tell you I love you and I'm so glad it came out okay, you know what I mean. And so for you out. You know, I hope they did something about that brain thing to I told me, since he was on the table, I said you're going to be on the table. They might do the randy thank grain transplant. You know. I it's a possible cure for alcoholism. I've been working on you know. But in any event, so, so I that's what I want to talk about and what the big book says. So what is the connection between faith and God in my life and the tenth step? You know I mean, and you know, there's this there's this story. It's supposed to be a true story, who knows? It's something I heard in a and the story is there was a guy from New York Times following mother teres around and she worked with the poor in the slums of India, the worst slums. He followed around for a day and one of the things he said to us, supposedly, was it's a good story. Whether it happened. Not, he says, you know, I wouldn't do what you do for a million dollars. She said, neither would I, and neither would I. What what causes a person to find either pleasure or whatever it takes they get out of it to live their lives, to help other people in the slums of India? You know, I mean what there's something going on there. You know there's something going on there. And I'll tell you something. When people think about people that make a difference in this world, they think about people like mother's racing. I think what people think about people that make a difference in AA or in any type of life? They think about people that are servants and are committed to helping people. I don't think they think about people that are whining or crying to thumb something, crybabies, or selfish, or you know what I mean, or obstinate or, you know what, are you all the time? I think they think about people that are always there. You can always rely on them. There's something like their steady at rocks. They build their house on a rock, their stable and the mature and they're grown up. I think that's what people I know, that's what I look for when I look for in a sponsor or somebody's spot to sponsor. Now and ands and so and and and that's so one of the things that when I when I used to do, when I used to actually do the steps, you know, because it was a time when I actually did the steps, steps like step I, when I did the step ten step, and I still feel exactly the same way as what I'm telling you now. I said, what's the most important word in the ten step? except I've even changed the way I look at it now, and I said the most important words step is continued. You know, whenever you hear somebody who has gone out and for twenty years, you can thos or five years. You know, when you hear you say why did you go out, this says I stopped going to meetings. Why do people stop going to means? Really, a lot...

...of people stop the ever think of that now, you might. You might say, well, this is what you might say. This is what I said. I said, well, I'm never going to slip because I'm never going to stop going to means. I just sat in the chair. I said, I ain't never going to stop going to meetings. But then I realized that at one time that guy was sitting in a chair and he said I ain't never going to stop going to meetings and and then I think about my life in my total lack of integrity. I was married to five years to a very nice young lady and I had a child by her and I left her, I walked out of her life because I wanted to date other women. That's that's the reason. That's the reason. I want you to understand that I walked away from my house, my wife and my child because I wanted to drink and have sex with other women. You know, I'm not proud of that, but I but it's something about my life. But I need to expose that to people. So you know, I know there are people that say I'm spiritual, not religious, and I have a whole I can do an hour on that one. But I just have never, in no matter how many years I've been sober, no matter how much I've done a name, I've never quite attained the rank of spiritual. You know what I mean. It's just I've never it's never. I've never even thought of myself as a spiritual person. I know what I am because I've seen clearly we see you a glass darkly, I'd see clearly who I am. I'm a selfish, self centered, even evil type of person. That my tendency will be left to my own devices, without God in my life, my tendency will always be to to count out to the lower powers of this world, to fallen over the things of this world, to fall up with the blonds and the Brunettes and the redheads and the cars and the bars and the money and and all. And you know how? I know that? Because for the first ten years and twenty years and thirty in my sobriety, those are the things that haunted me. Those are things that pulled me away. I mean it's not that I didn't quote believe in God, but there was the car, the women, the money, the job, the prestige, and God right here, you know what I mean. And it's like, you know how they say in the Bible and Awesome Big Book, God is everything or see nothing. There's no middle of the road solution. I'm a middle of the road type of guy. You know. I'm willing to say I believe in God. I'm even willing to live once in a while get down on my knees. You know what I'm talking about making the central fact of my life. I'm not even sure what that means. Does that mean I can look at a goodlooking girl and so of the last day after her? Does that mean I can't, you know, spend money? I don't have to buy things. I don't even need when a big car, to make myself look like a big I mean what, what does that mean to make God the central fact of Your Life? Because the big book, it says you want to be if you want this deals, you want to be rocketed, this sort of reconditions. It says the great facts is this and nothing less than this. You gotta you got to make God the central fact your life. You got to be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is de Miraculous, you know. But what if you're not convinced? What does it mean to be convinced? How do I know I'm convinced? You know, it says that you can even have an advid belief in God and it means nothing. That remains barren because your life is built around them. He's not sitting on the broad of your heart and so and so I you know, I think about that and I think about the concept of continuing in a you know, continuing. You know, why do people stop going to meeting? Why do people stop doing why do people stop to stop talking to my sponsor? Why do they stop tothering this sponsor? I stopped helping other people. Why they stop helping other people? And usually when they're stopping helping other people and they're stopping talking to their sponsor and they're stopped going to meetings, they're they're going to restaurants, then they're going on vacation and they're they just live in their life the way most people live their lives, lives of quiet desperation, and they're in the world. They're in the world, you know, they're in the world saying, well, I'm a spiritual God, you know, in the world, subject to the forces of this world, the gravitational force of this world, pulling them back into a materialistic life. So I never delude myself, because what if I started believing that? What if I started believing that I'm I attained forty one year sober. I you know, I belong to a church and all that sort of stuff, and I've done a lot of what if I start believing. Like I'm a spiritual guy, thank God. I used to be an alcoholic, I used to be a material guy, used to lost after women, I used to do all that. Thank God, because I know the inner workings of my mind that now I've become spiritual, not religious. I'm even better than those religious people, those people that hang out of church and every those good and tushes. I'm like, I'm just like spiritual. I do good orly direction, you know what I mean, the next right...

...thing, and I'm you know, I mean the truth is, you know, I go to a means, but I really don't need them. Mean that I'm a spiritual God. You know, I finally attained the rank. Understand somehow for me, I'm just going to tell you from me, it works better if I just sort of think about who I am and what I am. Assumed that I'm just a selfish, evil son of a bitch and that if I continue to worship God and I have relationship with him, you know, I have a shot of maybe it and you know well and being a decent person, you know, but I mean, it's just works better for me that way. So what does that have to do with continue? I mean that's the only different word in the ten step. I mean it's continue. Take personal intitor. If you read the ten step, it's all about continuing to do make an amends when we do wrong. It's about continuing to take inventory, like, of course, that Vatory is that continuing to pray and all the other stuff we learned. The only word that's different is continue. So so how do why is continued so important and why do people stop continuing? Ere We ask yourself that. How? How you? Ever, maybe some of you've never seen this happen. I see it happened quite a lot. Maybe you've ever seen a guy with twenty, twenty, five years, thirty years, fifteen years, walk into a room and pick up a white ship? I'll tell you what. You see it a couple of times. You know, you start scratch and said what that? How does that work? You know, how does that work? And no matter how many times you're going to tell yourself when, I'm never going to do that. And then there's this line in the big book as to what we're supposed to talk about this and quite an interesting line that most people don't talk about. See You, I don't know what most people think. There's those talk about it an I'll tell you what my big book tells me. It says in this big book we talk each person. Each person talks in his own language and from his own point of view how he developed his relationship with God. You know, that's in the big book. It says what we do here, what we're supposed to do, is that each person, in his own language and from his own point of view, discusses and describes how he developed his relationship with God. That's what we're supposed to be doing here. Now you wouldn't know that because that's never done. And alcoholics anonymous, because people will tell you to scare with the newcomer, hurt people or whatever it is, but that's never done. And why is that all so importantly? Relationship with God, and what does that have to do with continuing? So I'm just going to talk a little bit about what I found and what I believe based upon you know, they you know, car in the alcoholsund of some of the three. You can look this up and check it out. Build outs in the man on the bed to the man that was sitting there. They're reading the Bible to them bed. Alcoholics out of Sumber. Three he said when he was talking about his sobriety. He said, I knew there was something I hadn't got, something I thought a man ought to have, a sort of release, just something that I didn't have that other you had. You ever? You ever think to you? So I know I used to go to meetings all the time, step series like this that men were doing, like real Keith, you know, or Joe Snyder or different people. I looked up to an air. I know, we know suplet's put them in the pedestals, but a he's always been a program where one person passes on to another. I mean, you know, there were people that love bill and there were people that love Bob. They're people that loved bill and hated lot of people. I love Bob and e Bill, you know, and build up Bob and Boblah bill and it's always been one person who has something that you want, that you won't go anything to get and handing it down and showing the way. But we're all alcoholics. And what this guy said, Bill Docs said I knew there was something I hadn't got, some sort of release that I hadn't got, a thing a person ought to have. And he said I was sitting in my home one day. This is white in the book alcoholics. Anonymous people don't see this stuff. They see other stuff in the book. And what it said, what he said, is that this is the quote from Bill Wilson and bill Docs and said this. I was sitting in my kitchen and bill turns to my wife. It's called the golden text, by the way, and he said this. The Lord has been so wonderful to me currying me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about him and telling other people. And he said, man, I had the answer. I had the answer. He said Bill was very, very grateful to God for his sobriety and everything he had, every change, yet everything had. He gave credit to God for everything. He wasn't well, I'm spiritual nothing. He was religious. He read the Bible, he belonged to Calvary Chapel Church. His real sponsors were Sam shemaker and Ed dolling, the well of clergyman, who said the definition of a man who is separate it out and a a separated out from the...

...scricture of kin to God and as a man who's trying to grow in the image and lightness of his creator, build on a bill had the same problem. He had the same problem and Dr Bob had the same problem I have. In the end, all he wanted to do was talk about God. There's life was centering about round God. The message you wanted to carry to everybody, even know alcoholics didn't like and he didn't like it. First was what God had done from his life, Dr Bob, when he first sponsored Clarence, the room master, the first guy it's and it's in Dr Bout the good old times. He walks in on you know, Clarence is a hundred thirty five pounds, sitting on the hospital bed and he looks at and he says, do you believe in God? Him, Fella, and Clarence says Clarence says what you would have said. He said, what does that? and Dr Bob says everything. Everything he says, well, I guess, I do. Says Guess Nothing. Neither do or you do. Clar said, well, I do is good. Now we're getting somewhere. Get Down in the knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. How and I guess you know, just follow him and with Dr Bob was asked what is the first things? First mean? He said, seeky first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things will be added. Unto you, and the books they found absolutely essential. or first corinthiansert thirteen, sermon of the amount of the book of James. They were believers. You know, in the big book, believe or not, there is even a whole paragraph about losing prejudice against organized religion. There's a whole there's two paragraphs about encouraging church membership. Say Most of us do that stuff, you know. So the bottom line these guys were guys that talked about God, guys like b was the guys who started thing. They were like they were like Gout of folks, you know. I mean they were likely, they were into the deal. But what does that have to do with the ten step? And I can only tell you what my experiences when I came to alcoholics anonymous. I mean what really? Why do people stay here? I mean some people don't stay here right. Some people have leave after nine months. They don't say there's no staking, I don't stay here. Somehow it doesn't. Three months and they're gone. One year and they drink. We got a lot of people that you know are short, like short time as they drink after three months or six months and nine months, two years and they're gone. But then there are people that stay so for ten years and they leave, and twenty years and they leave. I mean, how do you explain that? And I can only tell you how it worked in my life and you draw your own conclusions about your own life and what's going on, about how it works into the idea of continue and commitment and integrity. One of the reasons I left my wife a five years. There's not anything she did wrong. It's because I had no integrity. I had no I remember once I told my sponsor I didn't want to hold hands and say the Lord's prayer because I I do want to be a hypocrite, and you look at me, said too late, left you need. Being a hypocrite is saying one thing and doing another thing. He said Lens all, you son, you have no integrity. You are a hypocrite. You promise that you would stay married to that down till death. Do you parn't and you just left her because you wanted to get laid. You have no integrity. Your one evil son of a bitch. When they're talking about you, selfishness, selfcenting this. That's the route of our problem room. My how the forms of fear, selfolusion. We step on Toll Mons. They Italian see move, that provocation. But we made decisions based upon self. To put in a desision. There's you know, that means. That means you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. You know, and I just told my sponsor, I'm sensitive, no great artist, a sensor. You're just cut, you know, and M so. But but what was the difference? What was the real difference in my life? That's the one. Why am I here forty one years? Why am I here? Listen, I'm married, I got four kids, I raised them, I got seven to the eight grandkids. I've got a law firm. I mean, I'm self surrounding my own contributions. Why was I at six meetings yesterday on Zoom? You know, why did I go to a three, Urmy, a six that? Why do I? Why have why did I drive an hour and a half to get up here for twelve weeks in a row and then up to boat on another? Why do I do this crap? And I'm not saying look at what I do, but I mean why do I do it? Not Not only that, not only why do I do it? Why do I do it and get pleasure from it? Why would I rather do that than anything else? You know, I'd rather do that then play golf. I'd rather not used to play golf, but I'd rather do this. That's like God. Why? What? What is it? Because the guy's I hung around, you know, the guys I admired, they were exactly the same way. They were they they didn't sponsor people because they felt obligated to sponsor people. They wanted to help. They wanted to talk...

...about this, they wanted to talk what was going on in their lives. What is what is the magic? What is the weird thing that turns a guy who would walk out on his wife and kid because he wants to get laid into somebody who would drive an hour, you know, or two hours, whatever it is, twice a week, can get on, you know, just to try to carry the message what God has done for him. Is Life. Talk like Bill Wilson. I mean, what is what is the deal? When I first came here, you know one and I joined. I joined it my sponsors said, I want to join the home group on group. So I joined up group called the killing pots group and that was my sponsors group to and we met every Friday or so every Friday and others a few other things to and at one point I was doing very I was having a problem, and I've told the story before, maybe even here, and I was having a money problem and a money difficulty, you know, and I was worried, I was too much beyond the red. Told my sponsor and he said I've got the solution for you and I said you do it. Says Yeah, he says you need to start making coffee for the group and for the life of them. You know, there's a line in the in the Dr Bob's nightmare where at the very last thing he said if you're an atheist or agnostic and have some sort of intellectual pride, intellectual pride means you think you're so smart and you so understand something that the only thing you're going to really do in here is shit that makes sense to you and if somebody tells you to do something that does make sense, you're just not going to do it. Now, understand this. This is alcoholic thinking, because as you're thinking this, you're insane. You understand, alcoholics are insane. They're crazy. That's why they keep on drinking and doing stuff. But they don't know they're crazy. Don't know how crazy they are. They think it's bad breaks and misunderstandings. So they think in their minds. I'm not going to do that, because that stupid shit, you know what I mean. So he says this to me. I'm telling them I'm broken, I need bunny. I'm not talking about bullshit, but I'm talking about real shit. You know, kids being kicked out, evicted, I need money. I don't need to be and he's telling me, I got the answer to your problem. You need to start making coffee for the group. And it makes I'm thinking, there's no conversation going on, you know. I'm thinking he's not understanding what I'm talking about. I'm thinking, certainly the guys in the bar would have understood exactly what I was saying. You know what I mean. This guy is like dance. Now here's the case. You're say important thing. I thought it was stupid. I thought you'd understand me. And they said, let me show you how to do it, and I walked over the coffee and I followed him and I followed him. That may not seem like a big deal. Sometimes would have gotten a different sponsor. So you know, my sponsorially doesn't understand you. We got but I followed him. Why did I follow him? And instead of intellectual pride keeping me from understanding, you know what I did. I followed directions. I don't know why. You know what I think I did is because I liked him. I felt that somehow I knew more than anything else, I didn't want to drink and I thought somehow, somehow, by knowing him, he had something to do with my not drinking. And so from the next seven years, Bob Sullivan told me to do all sorts of stupid things, just stupid ass things, sponsoring people, becoming secretary of the group, doing the Internet banquet and for Miami two years, and doing stupid things that have nothing to do with staying sober. And I did him. And the next night after I started making coffee. I didn't want to go back the next day to make but because I had no money and I was still kind of depressed. But I went back and you know, I went back because because I had to make the coffee for the group. So the truth of the matter is, to be honest with you, a lot of my staying sober and doing the stuff I did it's because I didn't wanted to suppoint the other people. Now maybe that's because if you're an alcoholic, you're also a sort of like please love me, a haul it. You want people to like you, and that's okay. That kind of stuff that used to get me in trouble outside and doing stupid things like to save my life inside, because I wanted you to respect me. I want that's maybe why I did the third step. Maybe that's why I did the fourth step, and because the actual the power of the group and wanting the group to like me and wanting all that committed me to doing stuff that on my own. If I was not part of the group, it was not just one of these guys that sit on the wall. Don't really become a part of one. That I wouldn't have done. I would have peeled off, but I wanted I became part of the group. But what happens is sponsors die, groups go away, things changes. All the guys that sponsored me, all the groups that were around when I was, you know, growing up, my first editor, they're no longer around. Things Change. I change and you grow up and...

...you get better and you get weller. My sponts said, they get too well too fast and and you don't sort of look at the group. At least I didn't want you in ten or fifteen years. What happens when you're the guy in the group that has the longest time? What happens whenever any meaning you go to you have the longest time, people are asking you questions. You're not asking anybody else question questions because, quite frankly, you've been there and done that. What happens when that the longest time in the group? You know and and somehow it's a different sort of dynamic. When you become like, quote, either an old timer, elder statesmen or you get double digit sobriety and something that what happens then? Now, here's what happened to me. What happened to me, and I'm going to make this is similist one, because I can't get any simpler, is a men I had. I've had for sponsors, my current sponsors then, but I had Bob Sullivan, Joe Snyder, John Glenn, who's a big, big influence in down and there they've all passed away. Every one of my sponsors were not only focused on AA, they were focused and focused on the big book. There were focused on God. They were like Bill Wilson, Dr Bod guys. They were like the Lord's been so wonderful me. Pre John Glenn. I met him in a bottle because the ten years ober I wasn't doing well. I didn't know what it was. They suggest that I go to Bible study. What is Bible study have to do with staying sober? For me, everything, for me, everything didn't make any sense to me. I mean I've been to a meaning say saying I'm spiritual, not religious. They look down on really these people. They'll laugh at then, you know. But I did it. It was in the big book. They didn't. They did it. The old timers didn't, but I did it. I don't know why I did why did I do it? I did it because my sponsors yes that I do it. I risk you not like me and I did it. Changed my life. I met a guy in there, but John Glen, who went fifty years recovery. It was seventy years old. He was a baptist preacher and a missionary. You gave my next sponsor for twenty years. John Glenn was like John. Let me say what John Glenn was. Johnathan was the guy. You go out to dinner with them or lunch and but and if you started and he said Whoa, and you're in a public place, he says we got to give thanks to the Lord for this and you bow your head and he starts praying for five minutes and you're looking around to see whether other people looking at them. But you do it because you know something, because your hanging around with John Glenn and you're doing that all the time. Then you become used to doing it. And then he looks at you and he says now rust of the food will taste better because it's got that special agreedient. You know that's your John Glenn is. John Glenn is the guy to start taking the other Bible things. Hang around with other people who are, believe me, spiritual and religious. And what happens is when you hang around people that are doing or who were serious about God, they're not people to say I believe in God, but really he's in the trunk, he's in their glove compartment. God is in the trunk next to the spirit tired. So when things get bad, turned them. You know, maybe you talked about in a name room once in a while, but pretty much keep quiet about you don't proclaim them. You don't say things like the Lord has been so wonderful to meet journey you don't say that stuff. You're sort of like what they told about an AA. You're a guy who says you believe in God, but your belief is barren. That means it does nothing for you. Fish want US something. It's like bullshit. Really believe it's what I call becoming a spiritual atheist and a A. It's not true. Believe it's a spiritual atheist, it's a spiritual anostic, it's a it's a same. You believe in God, but the truth is you spend most of your time thinking about stuff and other things and you feel uncomfortable when anybody's talking about God. But I hung around these men in a a and these other men, and what happened is all of a sudden, somewhere along the line after hang around these men, because I do believe that alcoholics tend to succumb to much home pure pressure. We tend to become and malar selves. After the people respect and we hang out with and you can't hang out, how around with those type of people and not develop a relationship with God, a serious relationship with God. And what happened to me is God became instead of something I I I made up in my own imagination. What are they called? Your own understand what do they say? In a god of your own instead a god of my own imagination, imaginary God, like we're Rabbit's foot, you know it like a rabbit's foot, rabbit's foot God, you know what I mean. And he became a real deal to me, a concrete real deal, and which is what's supposed to happen with the eleven step. And I started thinking about him all the time because I had somebody that was helping me telling me who God was, and I was listening to him. And here's what happens, an amazing thing that happened...

...to me, but happened to me, is I started schledge developing true relationship of God. But I wanted to, like I used to feel obligated to my sponsor in the group, I'll felt obligated to God. I was grateful to God and I was saying to myself, you know, God has been someone that journey of the several disease I get to keep talking about and telling them people. And what happened was is when you, when you all the sun, start doing things because you believe that God exists and he's as real to you as anybody sitting here in this room and you really believe that there's God in your life and it's a real deal and you believe, what happens is you feel not only grateful to God, you don't want to disappoint God. You don't want to disappoint God. You know, and someone the big book says things. How do you? We must give an assumptions. You must start tells us God will make that possible, which you make a sincere decision for him and utterly abandage off to him. All sorts of remarkable things happen. It will give you whatever you need. You stay close to reformance work. Well, you believe that Shit. You become of but you believe that God is implant. You pray. You believe that if you pray over the food it will have that special ingredient and you pray for see people and you that you become. You become what these people talk about, an a is like sort of stupid, uncool, you know, one of these God guys that they don't want to hear about. But here's what happens. What happens is you start doing the things that the God, am I understanding, wants to do. You know the guy who's talked about, the Good Samaritan. He's in our book by the way side of the book. A look the Good Samaritan to apolog have less, who basically a couple of good things once in a while. It's enough. You've got it. You got to help people all the time. That's going to be your life, because writ it's in your book. It's in your big book, believe it or not. So and you start believing that you want to do. What does it say? It will give you everything you need. You need if you if you stay close to him and perform his work well, and his work is to be a maximum service to others. He's your new employer. And here's the crazy thing that happens. You become, as a believer, so so close to him. He's so important to you that you're going to do this shit, whether you have a room or not. You're going to do the stuff where they have a sponsor or not, you're going to be committed to do this stuff. You're going to continue to do this stuff. You're going to continue to help people. You know you're can continue to carry this message. You're going to continue to talk about God, like bills and did and your and you know what's gonna Happ when you continue to do that? You're going to wake up with day and notice that you're not scared of other people, what they think about you. You're going to notice that you don't worry anymore if people don't like you and Aa because you talk about God, because that's not important to you, because what people think about you is not important to you. Well, it's more important to you is what your God thinks about and you know, some you're going to find that you've got in a hold of an incredible gift that you can't even imagine you have and not even how you got there, but you realize you got there as soon as you actually did exactly said in the book. Make them the central fact of your life. That they weren't joking about, that that not only you believe in God, you got to believe what they say about God and what you're supposed to do, and all of the sudden you start realize then you're not so worried about economic situations and you don't have this deal. What you feel lows you when your back account is low and great in your back downs high. You just sort of feel the same way. Either way, you're going to start being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and you're experiencing much of heaven and you're going to experience the joy of living, and it might even occur to you at some point one of the road that your belief in God, your true belief in God making central fact, had really something to do with this. But the problem is is that we're in. Well, people's in on that. This isn't exactly what people's anonymous. So it may take a long time for that to happen because you know, and I know, that no matter how much, how much it's in the book and how much it's on the God is on the board. You know? I not. I know that most people in a sort of figure out, because we take the temperature of the room, that people don't like people that talk like this. Right, you know you're not supposed to talk like this. Is People Laugh. I can roll your eyes and you're so scared about what other people think about you. You know what I mean. You make sure you don't want to get involved in this stuff. So, but every once in a while, if you're we're fortunate, there's still people around that are doing this stuff. There's still people around that are saying God has been so wonderful to me, cure me of this. Doubles these that I want to teach, talk about them and telling other people, and those are the people that continue. Those are the people that don't drink for forty years. Those are people that do it okay, with the without a group, with them, without a sponsor, and I have a sponsor. Okay. Those are the people who are committed. Their committed because they're committed to God. Thank you very much.

That's all. I.

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