AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 98 · 5 months ago

Russell S. Talk 3 at the 12 Step House 01/11/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 3 at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL. 01/11/2022

I'm Russell Stats. I'm an alcoholic. Remember the South Day Room, south Dixie Room, and I haven't done that. Start of drinks. This Januarine, twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one and and I do celebrate my forty first birthday, God willing, on the twenty five and I think I'm going to be here until we discussed, until March first, and at least I want to say, you know, God willing, you know man plans of God laughs. I'm going to talk a little bit about something. That's my plan to talk about something for about forty five minutes and then we'll all leave and everything will be wonderful. This is my this is my deal. When I say this is my deal, this is my experience. I can promise. It may not be your experience. You don't have to have this experience. You have to do anything I do. You know, do Ralcohols, do whatever the fuck you want to do, it doesn't matter. You know you want to get offended by what I say, feel free. You want to drink over what I say, feel free to drink and tell everybody that you drank because I said something. I mentioned God or Jesus or something. Just blame me. I'm fully capable of taken. I have no problem with that. Don't worry about it. I want to welcome the newcomers. I'm sure they must be some old time is here that say don't listen to me because I'm going to upset you and drive you out of the rooms. Because if I'm going to talk, I'm going to talk about God, because I'm gonna talk about my experience, and so I'm going to I'm going to throw out some I can tell you this. My my first sponsor I've had were sponsors Bob Sullivan for about five or six years, seven years, they died cancer, and then Joe Schnyder for about ten or something years and he died enough to see him, and then John Glenn for about eighteen or nineteen years. I'm talking a lot about John Glenn and my current sponsors, Deon and Andy. So I want'm I'm going to talk a little bit about what my journey has been, all about, my deal, my journey, my my experience. Now I can tell you this. My first monster one said to me Russe, when a man with experience me to man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money, and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. Now to me, I understand what that means. I get that. I've had you come to say what does that mean, and then I have to spend twenty minutes sort of explain that. You know, and you know, we're all alcoholics. I know you're all brilliant. I know there's a bunch of people in here, somewhere in this room, that's saying, this guy's full of Shit. I should be doing the talking. You know what I mean them, I guess. And because we're all so smart, and one thing we're definitely all smart about right is ourselves. Nobody knows me. It's got doesn't know me. You know, nobody knows you better than you. I understand it. That's why this isn't about you. This is going to be about me. You know, my sponsor said, you know, you're selfish, it selfish. All you do is think about yourself, he says. I all you do is anybody says. What I supposed to do is say is what you got to go to meetings, you got to talk you and so what I talked about, since you talk about yourself, I said I I'll get it. You know what I mean. You know Dr Bob in the in his story Dr Bouts Nightmare, he closes by saying, if you have, if you have some sort of intellectual pride, intellectual pride which keeps you from understanding what we're trying to tell you in this deal, I feel sorry for you. Your heavenly father will never let you now and look you'll find. Is this a great line I have? I send out an email every week. It's a weekly email with all the zoom meetings of different means I go to and a lot of different resources of their talks and stuff like that, and one of the quotes I have in the email. This is quote and it says a man can a man or a woman. If I say man, I mean man or woman. A man can look at something nine hundred...

...ninety nine times and look at it the thousandth time and see it for the first time. It is possible to read the big book about blocks an anonymous and somebody asks you have you read the Big Book and you say yes and you think you're telling the truth and then, ten years later, read a line in the big book at three o'clock in the morning when you think your life is over and all of a sudden, having epip me and see it for the first time and say that's it, that's it, that's the deal. And see it for the first time because we are informed. Our intelligence is informed by our experience. You can hear all sorts of speakers. If there's two hundred people, hundred fifty people in this room, there's a hundred fifty stories. Hundred fifty people are hearing a hundred fifty things. And there are people that are here in ship that I'm not even saying, but they think I'm saying it. And there are people are not hearing anything. You know, they're just closed off, you know, and that's just the way it is. You know, you you hear what you want to hear. You discount you don't want to hear. You think you need the big book, but you toss away lines like there is one of us all power. You know. You toss away lines like utterly, you know, abandon yourself to God, you do. You See, you toss away all that Shit and you get to the Jaywalker and that makes sense to you. And whatever it is. You know, you and and the way we get a new perspective in here, according to the big book, and I found this is true according in my life. So everything I'm talking about is I found this true. The way you get a new perspective, they say, is unbelievably painful. It's by repeat the humiliations and the final question of our selfsufficiency. It's not because people like us spot we have a wonderful sponsor. Inspite repeated humiliations and the final question of my self sufficiency. One of the things I was interested in recently, recently I've been sober. You that what's going to be forty one years. Recently I saw this line in the big book, but I mean the DCR Botom God all the time. As I start off by talking about this, I I happen to read this for the ten million of time, the line by Dr Bob and the last paragraph of the story. If you have some sort of intellectual pride which keeps you from understanding what we're trying to push new your dense skull which keeps you from understanding what we're really trying to say here, I feel sorry for you. Your heavenly fathers. Never let you know I've I've read that, read that hundreds of times. I've talked about it hundreds of times, thought I understood it. I actually never really understood it. So about a month ago and I'm reading it and I realized that I didn't really understand it because I didn't understand the word intellectual pride. See, sometimes you can understand something when you're press you said, well, what do you think he means by intellectual pride? Because he says intellectual pride is the thing that will keep you from understanding what they're really trying to say. And so I thought about that for a while and I came to an understanding which made a lot of sense to me. And the reason it's made a lot of sense to me is because my experience would staying sober and being rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence and having what I hope is emotional sobriety. My experience has informed me, when I think about myself and what I've been through, what that means intellectual pride, because I graduated with departmental honors in mathematics, I was going for a PhD in Algebraic topology.

I went to law school, became a division chiefs and states attorney's office, a professor in a law school and I've been educated far beyond my capacity to understand anything. And I can tell you something. Nobody has more of a right to explain to you how fucking brilliant I am. Then me, and I made a fucking mess of my life long before I came to alcoholics anonymous with all the those degrees, or as my first sponse used to say. When I said these are my degrees, he said, well, Russ rectal thermometers have degrees and you know what they do with those. And so I came to an understand what I know, what Dr Bob was saying. Who is a doctor and was fucked up. There's no alcoholic in the big book who wasn't brilliant and smart. No alcohol here isn't brilliant smart. So here's a question. If you're brilliant, then you're smart, and I believe you all are. Why are you so fucked up now? Why are you so fucked up? You ought to ask yourself. You're so fucking brilliant and you're so smart and you're your best fan and you would never do anything unless you thought it was to your benefit. And the best thing I wouldn't do anything unless I thought I was going to gain something? Why have you made such a fucking mess out of your life? Just bad breaks and misunderstandings? Call Manager in the book, managers himself writ in one thousand nine hundred and thirty five said alcoholics men women who are out to destroy themselves. I mean is there's something going on inside of you because you're an alcoholic. It's not the drinking believe in. It's not to drinking. You know what? I know it's not to drinking because most of the people I fucked open over and most of the things I did my life that was fucking stupid. Got Myself in big trouble. I did a cold stone sober, or somebody else told me when I was driving, he said it should be stone cold sober. Whatever fuck I was, I was sobering. Those people are hurt with my mouth and my inaction and lying and cheating and stealing. Even after coming into alcoholics anonymous. I did it sober because the drinking is just a symptom my disease. My disease centers. My disease centers in my mind, not my body, as do my p and and you see, they don't arrest you for driving while being selfish. They don't arrest you while for driving, while spending money. You don't have to buy shit, you don't need to impress people you don't like. They're don't arrest you for driving. And while you're fearful or while you're lusting after somebody else is wife, they aren't arrescued for Shit like you got an all sorts of other trouble. You have a miserable life. They don't arrestue for that. Eventually you drink or you drug, you do something stupid, and that's the Shit, the shit that you don't really see, that they don't arrescue for. That's the stuff that gets you drinking after fifteen years. You know, the most common thing in alcoholics anonymous, that I see after forty one those the most common thing. Guys that put time together in Aa who drink again. How long you been? A day? I've been around a for thirty five years. Well, how long you sober? Three days. I'm not putting you down if that's your deal. I'm just telling you you ought to ask yourself about that. The most common thing in alcoholics anonymous is people that come in here, listen to all this, read the big book, even do summer, all the steps, even stay sober for five, six, seven, ten years, fifteen years and then drink again. The most common thing in the world in alcoholics. Anonymous. You know it's the rarest thing in alcoholics. Anonymous. The rarest thing in alcoholics, anonymous, a man with forty years who is sober and excited and enthusiastic about his sobriety and is happy with this sobriety and grateful to...

God. The rarest thing. And fucking air, the rarest thing in vision for you. It says here and there, once in a while, a former drinker dry at the moment, and it doesn't say it's got only two days or five days or six years or whatever. It is. A former drink of dry the moment. Says feel better, look better, having a better time. We smile at such sally. We know he was going to try the old game again, feels he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll try the old game again. He'll know loneliness, as few do. Will be at the jumping off place. Do you know? Do you believe that there are people that are sober for many years that aren't happy? Do you think that sort of character exists that with twenty, twenty, five years, that's not happy with this. Sobriety, how you doing? I'm hanging in there, one fucking day at a time, hanging, hanging, I'm hanging one day at a time. I'm sober. I haven't had a drink them thirty years. How are you doing? And is that what this is all about? So you can hang in there? You know the fact that. The fact is I came in I drank myself how this is how I did the first step. I drank myself into the first step, which I want to tell you something. I enthusiastic good door endorse that way of coming. To alcoholics, anonymous, I say just drink your way into it or die. You know, you don't want to come in here, not really. You having a doubt or maybe you're not sure where you like the coffee or Friday feels good. You know there are people to come in here because they want what we have and they're willing to go to any length to get it. You know, I read that. You know I when I read the book, when I came in, I read the Jaywalker. Anybody read the Jaywalk? You know the Jaywalker? I don't know what else was saying in the book. But when I read the Jaywalker I said, let me, let me tell you how bad it was for me. This is my story, you know. By the way, you know what the big book says. I'm supposed to talk about. This is seldom talk about an egg, but the big book says I'm supposed to talk about it. Says each individual, in his own way and in his own language, talks about how he how he developed his relationship with God. That's what I'm supposed to talk about. You know what? People presumably don't want to hear about an a egg. Well, they want to hear about the problems. They want to hear about the bullshit, and they don't want to hear about that stuff because it may drive away the newcomer. And Shit, if that shit is going to drive you away, you might as well walk out right now and drive away you. I'll tell you, there's going to come up one in time with the only thing that's going to save your life, between drinking and not drinking, or screwing up and not screwing up, is going to be a relationship with God, if you even have one, whether he's just sitting in a glove compartment somewhere. I'm just doing my experience. The only thing I have about this, the understandings I have today, is I have, and this is the way you're going to develop your intelligence about yourself is I've got forty one years of repeated humiliations in the final Cro I'm seventy two years old. I came when I was thirty one. I've forty two, forty one years of repeated humiliations and crushing of my self sufficiency. Nothing wrong with five years of repeated humiliations and crushing of your self sufficiency. Nothing wrong with ten years of repeated humiliations of, you know, crushing of yourself in it. But I got forty one years of crushing, forty one years of learning what's...

...really going on. Now, even though I say that ten years now I'll probably see other things, maybe I'll get a little more crushings of my self sufficiency. But I believe what they say in the long version of the of the prayer, the serenity prayer, understanding and accepting that hardship is a pathway to peace. There is a long versions righting pray where we understand that hardship. We did humiliation learning the value of suffering. Is The answer you. I can tell you. You buy into this thing. It ain't going to be all fun and Games. It just doesn't. You know, yeah, you can go. That's nice to go to a banquet or to a convention and how people make you laugh. And I can make people laugh. You know, there are people here to know I can tell a joke and make people laugh, to be humorous. It's nice to have a great time in AA and saying, man, wasn't that Guy Great Speaker, man, he was so funny and every like that. But the truth of the matter is is when people get sober it's not necessarily all funny games. You know, people come in here, some people are ready and some people are not ready. Some people want we have the willing go to any length to get I came in here. Let them tew bad it was for me. I got on my knees on the CEMER twoyth nineteen eighty. I gave my life to Jesus at three o'clock the morning on Christmas morning. Ask him coming to my life. And I'm a Jewish kid from great neck New York. Now listen, the only way I can explain that if you're not Jewish, you wouldn't. Maybe you understand that is the only way that happens is you're fucking desperate. You understand what I'm saying. Some guys are saying here. Well, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that, and I'm and I was raised a Christian. I wouldn't do that. Well, listen, the only reason you wouldn't do that is because you weren't where I was of the seven twenty five, nineteen eighty. If you were where I was at December twenty five, if you're at the jump in all place and you thought your life was over and it was never going to be better again, I was so happy to advise Jesus in my life. I'm just lucky that Harry Chrishnas didn't show up, because I be at the airport right now with a fucking amberen you know. So, unless you have some if you have some sort of intellectual pride which keeps you from understanding what's going on your I feel sorry for you. So what I understand when intellectual with Dr Bob was trying to tell me, is intellectual pride is believing that you actually know something and therefore, no matter what you hear or say, you run it through the filter of this. I ain't going to do it unless it makes sense to me. How's this? I'm not going to do it unless it makes sense to me. Now, as soon of the second step is right and God will restore you to sanity, therefore you are insane, because if the second step is we come to believe that God will and can restore us to sanity, that must mean you're insane, because the only way you can be restored to sanity is if your fucking nuts in the first place, if you're already saying so, unless you admit to yourself somehow, even though without knowing it, that you're in saying that there is a power that can restore you to sanity. So if you come in here, you don't come in here because you're well. This is alcoholics anonymous. It is not well people's anonymous. It's a bunch of crazy people trying to not drink and stay sober and drive some sort of happiness, having no fucking idea what they're doing and trying to see what...

...there's somebody that can help them, that they can identify with. and not everybody's in that deal. Not Everybody's unified on that deal. One guy went to a meeting in the sunset room and in the meeting he said this. He says, you know, I've been in about a month, I have no friends, nobody will help me. I'm all alone, I don't have anybody to talk to. Nobody cares about me. He said it was a there was a heartbreaking story. My heart went out to my head. About a year I went up to manthe me and I said, Hey, listen, listen, we go for lunch and sizzlers right after this would be my sponsoring five guys. Why don't you come with us? And he said to me that's okay, I'm gonna go home and watch the the and I turned to my sponsor and I looked at him and said, Russell, some people want help, other people just want a tension. It may take you years, you may have to be unreal Aye, like I was for a years to determine the difference between people that really want sobriety and people that just want attention but just want to feel better. You know, you know, may take the years to home that sort of discernment. Understand that, but I know this the only reason I'm sober. Is that? Some way, some point at time, at time, I decided to do shit and follow directions and do what I was told, even though it you're ready to this didn't make sense to me. I decided. You, like my spots used to tell me all the time, Russell, your best thinking on your best day got you where you are right now. He says, why don't just listen somebody else and do it? I don't really give a shit with you. And he gave me a twenty four our because I don't want you to read this. Each day, get on your your your knees and ask God's help to stay sober. I want you to do that every single day. I don't remember him asking me. With the right believe in God. I just don't remember that conversation. I remember one time I said I was going to hold hands to say the Lord's career, because I didn't want to be a hypocrites. He said, too late, too late, you mean hip Pritty, say one thing. You doing nothing. Too fucking light. You're an alcoholic. You busted hypocrite long time ago. Long time ago, Buddy. You just do it. You know what I mean. Doing that's the real interesting thing. How many people are willing to do shit that they're told to do even though they don't like it and they don't understand it and they have intellectual pride? And how many people, when they hear a talk like this, we'll just walk out the door because they didn't come here for that bullshit because it doesn't make sense to them. and Dr Bob, the good old timers. They show a twelve step called done by a guy named Dr Bob Smith, and Dr Bob Smith called on a guy named Clarence, the brew Master, who became very well known with many years sobriety in a and the first question he asked Clarence, this is Dr Bob Twelve stepping somebody. Dr Bob. He says, do you believe in God? He's sitting on a hospital bed. The guys thirty five years old. He's got his like I, hundred thirty five pounds. It's in the book. You can read it. He says, do you believe in God, Young Fellow? Do you believe in God, Young Fellow? First question right off the bat. Clarence says, what does that have to do with it? Dr Bob says everything. Everything. So here's the end. So now we're in this wonderful fellowship. Eighty years later will people will tell you if you mentioned God and a mean you'll chase away the newcomers, you know, while I'm of a different opinion, because if they walk out the room because they don't want to hear...

...about God, believe me, they'll walk out of the room for all sorts of other reasons. To you understand, they're gonna Walk Anyway. They're going to. I'll tell what. They don't suffer from disease I suffer from. I wasn't fucking going anywhere. I walked in here, I read the Jaywalker. I was so I was done. I was well done. Put a fork in it without any question. I knew one thing. I was powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable and I was told by my spot. I wasn't told by my sponsor, if you drinking, can always come back. That wasn't a lot of sold. I was told you drink, you may never come back. I absolutely believe to this day, right now, with forty one years, I believe I drink, I ain't never making a back. I never thought I would make it back if I drank. I was never I never thought that was an option. I mean drinking is an option, but I never thought it was an option for me. And so everything I read in the big book for the first five or ten years, whenever I read, what I really heard in my mind is don't drink and go to meetings, don't drink. Even the as falls off, the most important thing is drinking. They're handed out with Dian's for drinking. Drink and drink and drink and drinking. And the primary motivation for nine even cent of the Shit I did really for eight years and through a banquet chairman for two years, doing service, helping people, sponsoring built the primary reason I did all that is because I understood if I didn't do that stuff, I my drink, I might drink. And what I read was a book that said the most important thing is not drinking. So let me tell you the truth about that. In my own life, my own life and I did the God thing. I would tell you I believe in God, I believed in the higher power. I would use the word God, I would say all that. I would pray during the means, I might even talk about God, but the truth is God was like he was there, but it was like I said in the twelve and twelve and step of seven. It says I believe I had some sort of face, that there was a higher power, but he wasn't central fact in my life. It wasn't, like they say in the big book, you want to be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, experiences much of heaven. The great fact is this, and nothing less, that God must be the central fact of your life. You must be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous. He will do for you what can't do for yourself. Once you make that sincere decision. For God, there's no half measures of value, nothing. He either is or he is and make a decision. What is your decision going to be? There is no middle of the road solution. Once you make that decision, remarkable things will happen for you. Being all powerfully, you will give you everything you need if you stay close to him and perform his work well, and his work is that you go out there and you try to use maximum effort to help other people, because you're now part of the royal priesthood and that's what we do. Here's your father. You know you are the children, he is your new employer, this is your job. That's the deal. I didn't believe that way. You understand what I'm saying. I believed enough so I can say the Lord's prayer to me and hold hands. I can maybe talk about I said believe in a higher power, H or something like that, but it wasn't. It was just like one more thing. You know. There were the steps where my sponsor that was this wonderful fellowship, and then somewhere along line and there was God. He's around there. So we stuck at the truck of my car. He's in the glove compartment. He's next to the spirit are. Three o'clock the morning, all else fails, get on your knees and pray to him. You know, he was there. I was in an atheist that was an agnostic. You know, I wasn't one of these guys that turned away. You know, it says it says if you're ANA. Said not. It says there's a chapter agnostic, which basically stands for fact. This sort of thinking has to be abandoned. If a mere code bet if a mere code of morals, a better philosophy of life, like good, orderly direction or something like that would have sought. We would have solved a long time ago, but didn't. That why we wrote a book, because there's no power. We don't have the power to stick with this thing.

We don't have the power to stay sober. We don't have a power to keep on the Diet. They're not drinking diet. We had to find a power, and that means we talked to road book, where we're going to talk about God, because God is everything. That's what this whole thing is about. You're on a new level level of trusting. Believe in God. We never you never apologize for God. You never shamed about God. Instead, you let him demonstrate your life. But he can be you know you. You just don't do that, but we might not be able to find out for you. Well, with hang out with you. That's not the point. God will determine who you're going to hang out because your real realizes must be on God. He will show you how to create the Fholoso you crave, see to what your relationship with him is right and great. Events would company of ASS for you, encounless others. Tough thing to swallow when you're sober five years and ten years and you think they're doing the AA program because they giving you medallions. But God's not really the central fact in your life. And if God's not sen sense, you're a fact in your life. You're worshiping other things. The worshiping the things you always worship. You'll worship the your worship being the sex, the girl, the boy, the money, the power, the cars, the job, your weight, how you look, your skin color, you know whether you're buffed or not. You're worshiping the things of this world and God is just something on the side. Whenever when the Shit Hits The fan and the IRS comes the load of do in, the check bounces and you get fired and realize that none of those things can help you. Another those things can save you, because not permanent. And then what happens is somewhere along the line, for me it happened to ten years. I know people that happens at twenty three years. I know one person to happen at thirty seven years. At some point along the line the plug of the jug doesn't put the plug of the Jug doesn't work the at some point in time the Jaywalker is not enough. The Jaywalker not drinking will keep you around treading water, the Jaywalker. Go to means and do this May keep you here five years longer than you would have if you drank again, because out of routine or whatever, because you're still long to not drinking thing. But it's like the old marble commercials. Are you smoking more and enjoying it less? And then a becomes less. Something you're enthusiastic about and you're excited about, but you fall into the trap where you're not happy with your sobriety. But as a true alcohol you don't know you're not happy with your sobriety. You just don't know, because the funny thing is the amazing thing about alcoholics is, even though I used to say to my sponsor a sensitive he said you're not sensitive great artists as since you're just touching. The amazing thing about alcoholics is how, what, what a miserable light they can lead and somehow still managed to think that they're doing okay. If there's anything that's proven by the alcoholic experience is you can sort of like have no money, have no job, have nothing, have no respect, feel alone and there's bill in your life and somehow, some way, you think you're doing great that's the one. They dead. That's why we all come in here ten years later than we should have come in here. You're not. That's that's why we take so long and we got to be beat up so hard and why we have to hit bottom because us, through all sorts of illusion and excuses and selfishness, we tell ourselves it's their fault, we're better than because we're insane, because we can't really see what's going on. And so somehow, some way, maybe you get to a point, and I got to a point of ten years. We're well, how do you do that? I get people all the time. Most of people are sponsoring out twenty thirty years, ten, fifteen thirty years, you know, and they're sober and they sponsor other people and they're going to means that...

...just not happy with this sobriety. They're doing time in a one more day, one day at a time, one day the time, but they're not happy with their sobriety. They may have a little happiness here and there. You know what? You know that they've settled, just like it says in step six and seven. They've settled. They've settled, they settled. You know, whine because they're not number one. They may not even realize that there's something more. Because what there is that you know when you're ten your sober like I was, and you've done it all. You've done it all and you're working hard and your sponsoring everything that moves and you've done the steps and everything and you're talking and teaching the steps. I've been doing this shit, you know, for like ever since I was seven years sober. And you're doing all this stuff, you know. And let me tell you something. I'm forty one years. I've been divorced, I've been marry. I'm married forty one years. I got seven grandchildren, one on the way eight, you know, four children. You you remarried cancer twice. I've been that. Yet you just imagine my own business. I've been broke. I've been with money, without money. You you imagine all that Shit that can happen to you in forty years of sobriety. I've been through it all, except death, and almost that. You know what I mean. Losing people, I haven't. People betray you, bounce chats, whatever it is. Imagine all the stuff you go through. And you can go through a lot of Shit and still not get the point. But if you're lucky, you running too. A John Glenn used to call himself future astronaut, John Glenn, future astronaut, and I'll tell I want to tell you a little about John Glenn, so you understand where I'm coming from. Okay, so what happens? I got to a point, a ten years sobriety, that I wasn't happy with my sobriety, but I didn't know I wasn't happy with my sobriety. I get people that call me up, you know, and they got ten or fifteen years. I'd want to call me up. She had seventeen years. She said. I don't know what it is. I'm still bothered by people. I'm worried about this and I worried about that, and I'm just off a my husband, blah, blah, blah, and I'm just I'm just pissed, you know what I mean? I sponsor people and everything. I'm not happy. I got this problem, that problem, I don't you know. And but they know how to speak of day a meetings and they sponsor me and they got seventeen years. You know, who's going to tell him anything? And the just I said, so you're so you're upset. He says, yeah, I'm upset. So you're mad. Yeah, I'm mad. So you're angry. Yeah, I'm angry, so you're you're not happy with what's going on. No, I'm not happy what's going on. You're really pissed off. You're really unhappy. Says, yeah, I'm really unhappy. You want to know how you can get better. You know, you realize there's something wrong with you and you need help, right. He says, yeah, I realized. You Not by never realize that's something wrong with me and I don't know how to get out of it. I said, Hey, welcome to the six step of alcoholics anonymous. You're on the road to becoming entirely ready. Have God remove the shit that's stopping you. You became entirely ready to stop drinking seventeen years ago, but you weren't entirely ready to to get rid of all the other fucking chains that's hold you down on the planet earth and the Fox and stopping you from being rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. Let me tell you a line in the big book, which is the most important line in the big book, which the big book is all about, and no matter how many steps you do, no matter what you do, you will never achieve true happiness. Listen, let me tell you. I was telling somebody that said they were discussing. I said I got forty one years. I'm seventy two years of age. I've never been happy in my entire life. I have no bucket list. I have no bucket list. You say anything, is there anything? You'd like to do? Everything you need to do anything you would try, and you haven't done anyone. Nothing. Zero. You know why I'm here? Because I would rather be here than any place else. I've just one...

...beggar shown another beggar had where to get across the bread. This is my life on this is what God wants me to do. I have a God that has saved my life, that I love and he loves me and these personal means more. He's really to me than you are. He helped me out of more jams than you can possibly imagine, miracles stuff that in every gay and saw because I left it up to him. You know I got that God. You know what I mean. Why wouldn't I be? I'm so excited that when I see so many people that are so sad because they don't have that because they don't understand what it says in the big book, the one line that's the most important line in the entire big book, and every step in the big book and everything you do in the big book is designed to Gab your black black onto this line. And you don't even know the line. You think you know it and you don't know. And here's the line. There is one who has all power. There is one that has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. I turned to HP. I guess that's a cool way of saying that you're in a a and you're kind of cool, but you know, you're not a fucking fanatical like Russell. You know I turn out my higher power. You know, because you're still too embarrassed. I guess you're ashamed of him. I know the big book says we never polosizs got's way of apologize for talking about God because it's acceptable, and a and a a. If you say HP, it's not acceptable. You say God because still worried about what other people think about you, aren't you? That's why you don't talk about God, that's why you don't ask questions about that, because you worried that other people will think you're a fanatic like me. Unfortunately, for that, for you, you will never attain the promise. You know. That promise would says we will lose concern of what other people think about us. See, here's the problem, here's the buy off. You either devote your life to God, sacrifice your entire life to God and and not use it as just a statement. There is one who has all power that when it's got me to find them now, but actually believe that he exists. Believe that God either exists or he doesn't. What's your decision going to be? Believe that he's he's important, did he exists, and make him in the central fact of your life, and be convinced that he lives in your hearts and lives in which indeed the maculus, and believe that your job is to be a maximum you either believe that and not worry about what people at the twelve step house thinks about you on October Eleven, two thousand and twenty two and you can be yourself, or you continue just be a scared, thumbsucking fucking cry baby. That's the choice. There is no middle of the road solution. You either for God or your for other people's approval. Reather, worry about what other people think about you and their approval. or You or more were concerned with God and you believe he exists. Now how do you get there? How do you get there? I mean I was like this the ten years. Remember, I had a crisis of faith. Well, you get that by repeated humiliations, the final question of your self sufficiency. You know, it's not a white light or anything. So they had been start for me. How did I develop my they had they start going to Bible study. You think if I walk through the I said Yeah, I got to Bible, I would have not God, not, even though they did, even though the founders, between nine thirty five nineteen thirty nine, that's all they did. The books they found absolutely essential were first met the thirteen some now on the Mount of the book of James. It wouldn't have but a ten years. I was ready. I didn't want to do it. Didn't make sense to me, but I did it anyway. Sat next to a guy named John Glenn when my second sponsor died. He was a Baptist preacher in a missionary and he was sober fifty years. My second sponsor died. I was sitting with men who were sixty, seventy, eighty and ninety years old. They were studying the Bible, which was source material for the...

...big book. They were talking about the same things we talked about. The only thing is to them, God would they were serious about God. There was nobody in that group that was saying, well, if they talk to me about God, I would have walked out there. That was the whole thing. The center because of their life, was God. I'll let me tell you something. Man of woman you'll be in the next ten years will be depend upon Pete, the hang out with the books you read, and I'll tell you something. The bottom line is this, and this is the truth. If you want what most people will never achieve in a a. will never achieve an a a, you better be ready to do what most people will never do. You know, not drinking and going to meetings will only get you so far. You know you got to somehow get to the point where there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now where you believe that's true, that I have to get close to God, I have to find God. You know that says in the seventh step. I'm not saying stuff that is in in the book. It may not be in the rooms you go to. It says you can believe and have a belief in God in the seventh step, but if he's not the centerpiece of your life, when you think about him all the time, where's the number one thing in your life, your belief will remain barren. The one how you will have no power, you'll not have no power to do you will always be worried, you will always be anxious, you will always be scared, you will always be subject to the vagaries of life and the whims of circumstance and worried about what's going to happen to you. And you will never, ever escape this disease. You will never have the escape velocity of need to escape this disease because you will pull back into the alcoholism by its gravitational pull because, God knows, the things of this world are surrounding you every day. They play on your two seven and maybe for one hour a day if you go to a meeting every day, you might escape the worry about the things of this world, but probably not, because of most day meetings they don't talk about stuff like this, and that's why you have a group of people, where a large group of people, where most of the people end up drinking after five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, are unhappy with this sobriety and maybe there's one guy with thirty or forty years that's excited, excited about his sobriety because he's excited about the fact he's great. Bill Wilson says, in alcoholics anonymous number two, the build dots. The man on the bed, you know, the man on the bed, came to believe this is the line, this is built. Don't blame me, I'm pupils of man if I was only spied by bill. This is Bill Wilson, Buil Dotson, the man on the bed said. I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got, something a person ought to have, and I was trying to find out what the story was. And when they built Wilson was in my kitchen. He was talking to my wife, Henrietta, and I heard him say this. Henry Attam, the Lord, has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about and telling another people and I realized bill was very, very grateful, very very grateful, and he owed, he believed everything he had. He gave full credit and credit only to God, and he focused on God. That's the deal. That's what he said. Dr Bob just was just as adamant about that. Why do you think they have in the book? We encourage Church Man, knowing how alcoholics feel. Why do you think they put in the book? We encourage church membership as way of getting closer to God. That's the eleven stud he why do you think they put the book? Most of us that tend such organizations? Why do you think they put that in the book, knowing that alcoholics didn't like that stuff? You know what they put in the book, because that's what they did. That's why it's in the big book. Of course. That's the extra credit stuff. That's your stuff. You don't read. That's the stuff that you think, well, yeah, you could do that, but that's not really important. Let me tell you something. The stuff that you don't think is important, the stuff that does make sense to you, that's the stuff that's going to separate you out between the men and the boys. That's the stuff that's going to separate you out between...

...the Olympians and the Non Olympians, between the spectators in Aa and the guys that are on the field playing the game. So it aim it. That's my experience. You can take it or leave it. It's just another aim. Thank you very much.

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